[Mary2009]

My reunion story started our fairly well. I found my 20 year old son this past summer through a search angel. When I contacted him, he was very happy about being found and we exchanged emails daily. We decided not long after to meet face to face. The meeting went well, so I thought. We continued to have contact on a regular basis until a few weeks ago, when things began to change on his end. We went from communicating fairly often to pretty much no contact at all. I feel like the novelty of meeting me has perhaps worn off and he has decided that he does not want to get to know me after all?

I am certainly not going bring it up to him, because he is as aware that we have not been communicating as I, but I will say that it hurts very much to have been allowed into his life for a brief moment and then be cut off with no warning or explanation. I feel like I am held in very low regard, I guess.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do next, if anything at all? I feel that I just really need to get on with my life and hope the best for him. I don't know if I am really up for this anymore, to be honest. I am so emotionally drained...

[farn23]

I am a 23 yr old adoptee and found my birth mother about a year and a half ago. It has been such a special time for me and I have contact on a regular basis.
I know that I sometimes feel like taking a step back and slowing it all down. This is partly because it is so emotionally draining for me too and sometimes I think it will help to try and become less attached. I do know that your son is probably thinking of you all the time.
My advice would be to just give him some space and let him sort his emotions out. And getting on with your life can still include keeping lines of communication open with him and being there for him when he is ready.

[sstuart]

I have been in reunion for almost a year now. When I met my DD in July, our communication after that was decreased significantly. Before we met we emailed daily. Now it is just a couple of times a month. She is 22 in college and working. I think she just gets busy doing what kids that age do.

Try not to take it personal. He may just be taking time to take it all in. He may be trying to firgure out what he wants from your relationship. Give him time and keep the communication open. Try not to think the worst. He just may be out there being a 20 year old boy.

[BrockBaby]

Mary,

Reunion can be so difficult to navigate through, I'm sorry that you are at one of those points where it seems difficult to know exactly what to do. Has he told you that he doesn't want contact, or has it just dwindled to nothing, or nearly nothing? Keep in mind that he is twenty years old, sometimes that can play into it. What else does he have going on in his life. So many times we take things very personal, when in all reality it has nothing to do with us at all. Perhaps he "pulls away" from everyone, or most people, at times in his life. I know I go through periods in my own life that I am not as "available" to even my best friends, whom I love dearly. One piece of advise that I will give you is to assume nothing. If he hasn't told you personally, don't assume. Trying to assume what anothers actions means, especially someone that you are just in the beginning of a relationship with, can really set you up for inacurate assumptions and a lot of heart ache that isn't founded in reality. Could you send him a light-hearted email, saying that you hope that all is well with him, and that you wanted to remind him that you always have an open door for him?

Also, you mentioned the feeling of being a novelty and that the novelty of you is wearing off. I have felt the same exact thing with the extended birth family. The thing is, and this is what I had to come to terms with, in a way I was a novelty to them. I was that missing person from their family, and they all wanted to see what they "missed out" on, but the truth of the matter is that people have their own lives that they were living before I re-entered, and they have those same lives after they met me....so some of the novelty is going to wear off. The thing that we have to take from it is to enjoy the relationships that are, that cultivate into something, and realize that not only don't we "owe" anyone a relationship, they don't "owe" us one either. I am in no means saying that I gathered from your post that you felt that your bson "owed" you anything...just telling you what I had to come to terms with.

It is difficult, but with all difficult things, it's not always the result that we want that matters as much, as how we allow it to stretch us and grow us from where we use to be to where we are going....with or without that person we so desparately want in our lives....

Best Wishes!

[Mary2009]

Thank you all for your insighful reply's. I will try very hard in the future to not take it personal, as I do realize that he is very young and just beginning his life. I do not think he owes me anything whatsoever, nor will I ever feel like that. I would just hope that he would want to be a part of my life, in some way in whatever capacity he is comfortable with.

[JustPeachy]

I know this is hard, and I think with males, it's even harder. I think your son is going through a typical reunion "pullback" phase. It could be he's overwhelmed with everything, and needs time now to process his own emotions, which probably have hit him out of nowhere. It could also be he is a typical 20 year old, busy with school/work/socializing/dating/etc. My son is a little older, and we are not yet in reunion, but I am waiting for him to email. He has indicated he wanted to, and then just doesn't. I wonder alot about what he's thinking, but as Brock says, we cannot try to guess and wonder, it could be any number of things and may have absolutely nothing to do with us. I try to think back when I was in my 20s, and know I didn't want a lot to do with my mom in those days, as I was newly independent and living my adult life. Your son (and mine) may very well not keep in regular contact with their adoptive moms (or in as much contact as the amoms would like!) and now they are dealing with us birthmoms! Sometimes, too, the relationship will be more one sided and that is hard. I would drop him a line every now and then, let him know you are thinking about him, maybe suggest getting together again at some point, but I think I would also ask him directly if he needs some downtime. Also, let him know you are there for him whenever he needs you. I know this is so hard and can be very draining emotionally. I hope you can reach a point with your son where you are more "in synch" with each other.

[LiquidGlass]

Speaking from experience, you need to give him some space. My son & I have been in reunion since 2004, and he pulled away from me on several occassions. We worked through and now are relationship is great. I have a 3 yr grandaughter and our family have blended well.

Please give yourself time. Reunions are hard

[JustPeachy]

Speaking from experience, you need to give him some space. My son & I have been in reunion since 2004, and he pulled away from me on several occassions. We worked through and now are relationship is great.

LiquidGlass, I'm wondering how did you work through this? Did you just not say anything and wait for him to come around?? Or did you confront the situation and ask directly if he needed space??? How exactly did it reach a point of being comfortable for both of you?? This, to me, is what is so hard about reunion. Each party not knowing what the other wants and there are no "instructions" or set ways of doing things. It's all so "hit or miss" and I know I am always hyper-sensitive about being too pushy, but then sometimes I think I'm not assertive enough. I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I just think it would be helpful to have more specifics from those who have successful reunions.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Is it that he's not initiating contact? Or that he's not responding to your attempts? I think there can be very different situations depending on the answer.

[Mary2009]

To answer your question, both. He has ignored couple of emails I sent last week. Things have seemed to completle change in the course of a couple weeks.

[LiquidGlass]

I made the choice to give him up for adoption. I know that it is his life and his choice whether he wants me in each life or not. When he pulled back, I gave him the space that he needed. It was hard to do, and I cried every day but keep telling myself "This is what a Mom is supposed to do".

There is no right or wrong way to do it. You have to use your insticts. I told him on the day that we met that I would take it as far as he wanted to go. It has been hard, many ups and downs but in the long run it was worth the pain.

It is a roller coaster ride, and you need to take time off.

[EZ2Luv]

I have to agree with Just Peachy that males are especially harder in reunion than females. I know as a female adoptee I personally had no desore to search but when I was forced to and got involved in the adoption search comminity it was mostly females that were searching and it was not until later in life that males would become interested in searching.
My own abrother was given the oppurtunity to find his bfamily and he outright refuses to the point where gets insulted if asked.
I think to it depends on who intiates the search because that is the person that is wanting to find and have a relationship. Naturally the searching person has hopes and dreams and anticipates to be recieved in the same way while the found person may intially be excitedthey do not have that much time and hopes invested.
I agree with others too, there is little you can do except give him time and space as hard as it is.
Another thing also is at his age there are so many other things going on in his life. Jobs, college and the reality of adulthood brings enough issues of their own,, not to mention girlfriends and a social life.
ALl guys at that age whether adoptees or bios seem to be into other things that are not so family orientated.
My cousin has a son this age and he seems to be more or less off in his own world so it is fair to say that this is an age where mother's are in a postion where they have to let go. That is just the way it is.

I think too that alot of guys become more interested in reunion relationships once they have kids of their own as with many adoptees.


EZ

[HouseMouse]

Kids need space to process their emotions just like us grown ups plus kids have lives that don’t evolve around us. I know that I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions but my son wants to help me through it.

[Iyohi]

Hi Mary,

I just posted something similar, I feel like I lost him all over again, and didn't get to meet him. But I guess I am looking at it like this, I have 3 other children, and they come and go, and so if I do have another chance, when he does decide to come around, than I will just make sure I'm there for him. I think that is all we can ever do for our children. I'm not an expert just a Mom, but thought I would just let you know I read your post and understand your pain.

[cksmom]

Hi Mary,

I'm an adoptee but I was the one who searched. I think for the one that is found, it could be harder to handle reunion. I know for my situation, I was ready to look, ready to find her and prepared for what I may find. My bmom was blindsided. So at first it went really well and then she pulled back (well out actually). I think it all hit her and she was not prepared for everything that came with knowing me. It took me awhile to get that it was about her and not about me.

I'm not saying that your son is pulling out or back but he may need some time to deal, heal and mature. 20 is still really young and he has a lot of growing to do. While it seemed like he was doing fine with everything, he could be trying to wrap his head around all of it.

he could be busy with school or work or girl problems or anything. And responding to emails could be too much right now. How did his aparents take you finding him? he could be worried about hurting them or making them feel replaced. TONS of things could be the reasons he is not responding.

It's so hard not to take it personally or having to wait. I hate waiting! Hang in there!!