[Goudvis]

It's now nearly 4 years since we made contact. As I've said before my daughter,28 lives overseas so distance is a problem. I thought things were going reasonable well. I'm more relaxed about the situation and have not been acting so desperate as I did in the begining. We've been chatting online now and then which has been great. I did still feel that she was guarded and not sharing a lot of her personal life with me, which does make it difficult to chat with as what do you discuss, once you've asked how work is etc. Anyway I was going overseas with my mother(79) to visit my sister in Oz. Since my b daughter lives close by I offered to fly her to Oz so we could all spend some time together. She eventually declined and said I should rather come visit her for a day or 2, which I did, thinking that maybe would be good for her and I to have some alone time. I arrived late the one Sunday evening and could feel things were a little strained. I felt that she was trying very hard to keep the conversation going, obviously worried about uncomfortable silences. It upset me a little and I wished she could feel more relaxed with me. So I started worrying if I had done the right thing visiting her on my own. Anyway next day we went round the different shops doing a little shopping. It was great, I have 2 sons and always thought how great it would be to shop with my daughter. Anyway I left the Tuesday to fly back to Oz and just before she left the airport I gave her a card, thanking her for taking the time off work to spend with me, and that I really enjoyed being able to shop with my daughter. Once back home, I received a letter from her, saying that she thought the visit went well, but after reading my card she realised that we wanted different things out of this relationship. She said it was sad and painfull for her when I called her my daughter in the card, as she felt that was reserved for her dad and her late mom and that it was disrespectful to them and the bond that she has with her a. dad and did have with her a .mom. So I've decided not to respond yet while I feel so emotional and try calm down before I respond. She says she wants friendship, but I feel she can't really give me that either, since she is unable to share part of her personal life with me. I am a very open person and find it hard that she has all the walls around her, yes I can understand the walls being put up to protect her but we are talking about 4 years later. This is the second time I have been over to visit her. I've tried , yes first too much in the begining which I think is only natural, but I have backed off and given her space. I also find it strange that both times I went over to visit her, she never once had friends over to introduce me to. So now I wonder if I shouldn't just back off completely. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of having my emotions all over the place, I don't mind her contacting me when she wants to but I feel like its time to stop persuing this relationship. I wander to if her letter isn't her way of trying to end the relationship, without saying it out directly so as not to hurt me, or maybe even putting the ball in my court so that its my fault the relationship didn't work out. I don't believe that my calling her daughter is the real issue here. If she felt she had to call me mother,(which she doesn't and that doesn't worry me at all as I realise she had a mother whom she loved very much). then I could understand her feeling disreptectful to her A. parents but I don't see how my calling her my daughter is disrepectful, she is after all my flesh and blood.

[LMNGambino]

She may intentionally be putting distance between the 2 of you. Sort of like, "Im going to see how far I can push her before she leaves me again."
That is common behavior us adoptees display in a lot of our relationships.
As far as the "daughter" comment goes, I can understand why she may be sensitive, especially since her a Mom is deceased.
She may not want to introduce you to her friends, because she feels they may be uncomfortable, esp if they knew her a mom.
I wouldnt completely back off, but just be "friendly" without getting too personal. I know it sucks....

[Goudvis]

Thanks for the reply, I'm just in such an emotional mess and getting tired of this and feel like " do I really need this in my life", but I will probably wait for the emotions to subside and take your advice, yes it does suck. She moved to anther country about 5 years ago so her friends don't know her adopted mother. I think maybe she feels the relationship is a strain and wants to make me the one responsible for ending it, sho knows though

[Anetscat66]

I am so sorry you are going through this hard time! I remember when I reunited with my birth dads brother, my Uncle Bruce. I called him Uncle Bruce in a letter I wrote and he wrote me back asking that I don't call him that! It totally hurt my feelings and I was just a mess over it for a long time! I put myself in his shoes and realized that it was probably really hard for him to hear that coming from me, since his brother gave me up, I think some of it was guilt because of my Dad. Give it time sweety, and don't ever give up! Time does heal, it just takes a while sometimes. Hugs, Annette

[txrnr]

Part of it may be what the word "daughter" conjures up for her. Like you said, you meant absolutely no disrespect and were simply coveying how special something was, and for her, it may have triggered something that made her feel disloyal to her mother, which may have been compounded since she is deceased.

I am sorry you're going through this.

[Goudvis]

I feel I've really tried, tried to keep this relationship going and trying to make it work. I think I've really also tried to see things from her side, but I feel that she has me like a puppet on a string, one minute everything is going well and just when I feel relaxed about the whole thing then something like this brings the whole realtionship crashing down. I lost focus just about with everything when she 1st contacted me, and just can't let that happen again. I have work, I have my own family, so I will just send a birthday and christmas card each year, no more money and gifts. Hopefully this just keeps the relationship open and when and if she decides that she would like to contact me she will.

[LMNGambino]

Im so sorry. Reunion is so messed up, and no two are the same.
Im going to project here, I hope you do not mind.
I can honestly say that if my n mom had contacted me when I wa that age, I would have played all sorts of power trip/guilt games. Im NOT saying this is what she is doing, Im only relaying my personal feelings and how I was at that age. Meaning I was a know it all, stubborn girl, out to prove a point, at all times.

No matter how badly I missed and wanted my n family my entire life, I would have taken the "Im in the driver's seat, now, people" attitude.

Heck, I called Human Services at the age of 13 to get my original birth certificate! I started "searching" when I first knew I was adopted- looking at the faces of strangers...sort of that story- "Are YOU my Mother?"

But- I was and still am a control freak. I would have kept her at bay, so to speak, to maybe "try and teach her a lesson". I know that sounds messed up, but so is adoption, lol.So many conflicting feelings.

I did not have any control over her decision to give birth to me, nor did I have any say in my relinquishment- I will CERTAINLY have control over my reunion...or so I thought. That was my frame of mind.

Im only trying to show you that there are so so so many messed up games we play in our heads. Just give her time- put the ball in her court. She will come around.

I know it hurts. I really know....

[Goudvis]

Thanks for the sympathy and the sharing of your thoughts. It all helps me with trying to understand and make sense out of it all. I'll just have to be patient and hope it all turns out for the good in the end. I hope your experience with reunion turned out good for you in the end

[Blessed2x.]

I'm sorry it is painful. Reunion brings up so many emotions, conflicted loyalties, surprising reactions. Even to oneself.

Maybe you can stay friendly, but allow yourself to back away, breathe, and enjoy your life.

Good luck.

[agathaj]

"I would have kept her at bay, so to speak, to maybe "try and teach her a lesson". I know that sounds messed up, but so is adoption, lol.So many conflicting feelings."
I believe my bdaughter is doing this too me - the lesson has worked! I want to yell okay,okay I'm sorry. But I don't think she'd understand.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by agathaj

"I would have kept her at bay, so to speak, to maybe "try and teach her a lesson". I know that sounds messed up, but so is adoption, lol.So many conflicting feelings."
I believe my bdaughter is doing this too me - the lesson has worked! I want to yell okay,okay I'm sorry. But I don't think she'd understand.

She will get it in time. How old is she? I have to say that reading "The Girls Who Went Away" really helped me to empathize with my n mom. It took away almost any anger I had regarding my relinquishment. Unfortunately, made me VERY angry with the system, but Im trying to work through that, too.

[agathaj]

18. She doesn't want visits but i am allowed to send cards for bday and xmas....

[Longtimewaiting]

Agathaj...

As a bmom who was forced into a closed adoption, thats all that was available in 1975....I would have to say that you are SOOO Very lucky. You know where she is, you have contact. Hang in there, she might take 10 years to agree to visits, but at least you know where she is.

[agathaj]

Longtime, yes I am lucky, plus I watch her on Myspace. 10 years, 20 years...hmmm I could be dead or she could still be playing games with me. Thing is I know bmother's whose daughters are in their 30s and 40 and they still don't have great relationships with them after years of trying. I don't try anymore. But I am grateful that she is loved, has wonderful parents and a good life.

[dpen6]

I totally understand where your daughter is coming from! When I had my reunion with my bmom many years ago I wrote her a letter telling her I could not be her "daughter" as I was brought up being someone elses daughter. Its all I knew, its all I wanted at that time. It had NOTHING to do with guilt," lessoning learning" or anything else. It was MY reality. To have this person place expecations or how I should feel about my daughterhood would have made me run for the hills! Therre were a few daughter comments made and I just skimmed right over them because I didn't know how to react, it caused me great discomfort.

The good thing is your daughter is being honest, and thats what we all talk about on these forums in terms of the relationship part of reunion. She is not able to be "your daughter" at this time. Let it go. Respect her feelings.

The whole "teaching her a lesson" crap is just that CRAP! WE adoptees are adult human beings, and have every RIGHT to feel what we do about OUR adoptions and how we manage OUR reunions. The teaching a lesson smacks of manipualtion and I know myself my back goes straight up if I sense a whiff of someone trying to manipulate me into something that I don't want.

If you are unable to have the kind of relationship you are having now then maybe it would be in everyone's best interst to back off and just keep it to cards for bdays and xmas.

Nobody may be playing games, there just might not be an ability on her part to give you what you need, she just may be very content with the way things are now.

You can not expect a person to be brought up in one family, be loved and respected as a daughter in that family and then years later just be someone elses daughter and get mad when they don't respond as you see fit!

Adoption breaks the bonds, they may be able to tentitivly be put back togehr but NEVER in the same way as if adoption didn't exist. That baby has had a totally different life and "family ties" are with them. At least thats the way it was for me. It all I knew, its what was family for me.

I know another thing that woulkd have helped me is for my bfamily to acknowledge that my afamily was my family and respected that...didn't push for something I could not give(though no fault of my own). I did have a birth brother that said to me, This is all in your control, you can do it anyway you want. ( Or something like that) And it was like a weight lifted off my shouldars..I was not expected to be anything just based upon my adopted status, I could just be me....That meant a lot. It meant that I didn't have a "role" to play in this reunion thing. I didn't have to play the "role" of daughter as not to hurt anyone else, that I was being understood as opposed to me doing all the understanding....JUST because I happened to be born at the wrong time, that I could attempt to put the pieces of who I was together without having to payback with emotion thats I was incapable of feeling. He respected me and that really felt good!