[M.I.Ur.Birthsister]

she might feel angry or just detached from you. she obviously developed a healthy attachment to her adoptive parents. she might feel like you just don't have the right to call her daughter because you didn't raise her. that's what gave her a.mother the right to call her daughter, she might have reasoned. there are loyalty issues, you know. i feel strong loyalty to my mother. don't know what i'd do if i had two mothers to divide my love between. probably it would take me a long time to realize that i don't have to choose--that i could love both. but u know, everyone is different, and you have to respect your daughter's individual feelings, expectations, and emotional boundaries. she evidentally doesn't see you as a mother. it's painful, but she might never see you that way. it's not all or nothing. you can be friends, you can decide that within yourself and let her know that u do feel differently from her but you respect her different feelings and you don't "need" her to feel that way you feel in order to continue loving her, that you don't mind being just an aunty-like friend in her life. i think it's really healthy to talk with her about how she doesn't feel, if she doesn't feel attached to you, or comfortable with you, or really love for you. she should know that it's ok with you, that you don't mind, that you understand that she can't just feel love biologically since you were not there during the times when her family bonds were forming and solidifying. as time goes by, she might grow attached to you in the capacity of a trusted friend. maybe you could demonstrate your respect and acknowledgement of her family ties by asking her how her father's doing, giving him a gift, or if there are other family members, showing an interest in her life with them and in them as individuals. of course, you would have to deal with a lot of emotions that you might have stored up before you could interact with them in a cheerful, reasonable way. if you need some help doing that, i suggest personal counseling. otherwise, you might end up laying your emotional issues on the relationship, and that might be too much and break it. just some thoughts. good luck with your daughter and feelings

[radiodoll]

This is so hard. For both of you. I think there are as many answers on this as their are people. Every situation is different. As much as we want to, we can't get inside another person's thinking - especially those we hardly know.

In projecting OUR ideas of what's right and wrong or appropriate and expecting that others will agree or even understand our position we try - as is humans do - to influence an outcome. Unfortunately - or fortunately depending on your point of view - we only have sway with ourselves. Pray as we might, each person can only be responsible for their own facts and feelings. You may never know why it is that your daughter feels the way she does right now. I may never know why my mother ler me go and has refused me twice more when all I requested was a simple list of history when it was clear that no contact would occur.

All DO know is that the one constant in life is that "everything changes". All of the time. Everyday. And that some given day my circumstances may change. Maybe not, but maybe yes. But just for today all I can do is self-evolve in order to be the person that I was meant to be in all of my own goodness. I can share this goodness with anyone who appears in my path and I can be ready at any given moment for contact by those in my own history so that they may too meet the best Me that I am.

Nothing makes this situation "right" or less painful. It just makes it our journey and our opportunity to learn acceptance. Mind you, I have never "accepted" much in my life without first slamming my head into a brick wall, but that's just my way. Hopefully YOU will have a more graceful transition.

You sound like a lovely person and a good mother. Don't be swayed by criticism. be kind to yourself and remember that "feelings are not facts". That helps me sometimes.

My best -

Radiodoll

[Goudvis]

"DO know is that the one constant in life is that "everything changes". All of the time. Everyday. And that some given day my circumstances may change. Maybe not, but maybe yes. But just for today all I can do is self-evolve in order to be the person that I was meant to be in all of my own goodness. I can share this goodness with anyone who appears in my path and I can be ready at any given moment for contact by those in my own history so that they may too meet the best Me that I am". Thank you,those are really true and beautiful words. I have to believe that maybe with time her feelings will change and so I will be ready if I don't let my hurt feelings get in the way. 2 weeks have past since I received the letter from her, I'm already thinking more realistically and not so emotionally. It still hurts but I'm trying to understand from her side that she loves her adopted family and that she is just trying to be honest with me that she is their daughter and not mine. She only wants to be a friend. It's just not so easy, but nothing in life is simple, I feel like my head has been rammed into a wall. So now I will pull back a little, which I think is my own way of not allowing myself to get hurt over and over again. I think it would make it easier on her if she let me meet her adopted father and family, but she doesn't want that and I think that must make this situation so much more stressful for her. I prefer openess with everything , but we are not all the same and so I will continue along and see with the changes in time where this journey will take me. You sound like a wonderful person and you are so right just try be the good honest person you can be and share that with the people that cross your path. I understand your hurt too.

[Goudvis]

I know I’ve taken a long time to reply to your letter but I really tried to think about it all very carefully and look at it from all sides and I tried very hard to understand from your side. The problem is that to me you are my daughter, yes I agree, I have never been a mother to you and that’s why I would never expect you to call me mother as you had your adopted mom that you loved very dearly and who loved and took care of you, but unfortunately for you to me you are my own flesh and blood and I couldn’t just look at you as a friend, yes I would like to develop a friendship with you but there is no way that I can denounce you as my daughter. So in taking your happiness into consideration and not to complicate and intrude on your life maybe its best I pull away a bit. I will always think of you on your birthday and at Christmas so if you don’t mind letting me know if you change addresses so that I can at least send you a card or letter now and then. I just want you to know that I will always be here and if you need me for anything you just need to email or call me. My door and heart will always be open to you. Maybe I think I’m looking at it from your side and understanding but maybe I’m not, its not always easy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes but I’ve really really tried. I have never wanted to betray your adopted mom and I feel terrible that by me calling you my daughter you feel it a betrayal to your mom. Looks like reunions are quite hard on both sides and these horrible hurts and disappointments are par for the course. I don’t want to hurt you or turn my back on you, I just think maybe you are not ready for this and obviously you maybe didn’t expect the reaction you got from me. This is one of the toughest journeys I’ve had to take with my life besides having to give you up, but I was so scared and terrified that I let my parents make all the decisions, maybe I shouldn’t have but when your father wouldn’t marry me ( which my dad really wanted him to do) I didn’t feel like I had any right or say in the matter, I had hurt and disappointed my parents who were always so proud of me prior to me getting pregnant that I felt like a nothing and that’s why I just did as I was told. So maybe also further down the line we will be able to try once again at developing a friendship. I really hope we can. Take care and I wish you all the very best for 2009

[RavenSong]

Dear Goudvis,

I can hear the pain in your words, and I wish there was some magic wand I could wave over you to take the pain away. From what you've shared with us, I think you've tried your very best in this reunion with your daughter.

Everybody reacts so differently when it comes to reunion. My son, for example, has never had a problem with hearing me call him "my son". Actually, he would probably think he'd done something to offend me if I stopped calling him that. I know that when he leaves messages for me with other people, he always says, "tell her that her son called." I've always known that I don't have the right to call myself his mother...but he IS my son. I didn't give birth to a "friend"; I gave birth to my son.

I read a great line on another thread the other day. It goes, "If a mother can love more than one child, then why can't a child love more than one mother."

I've been in reunion with my son now for almost 19 years. And, yes, once in a while he slips up and calls me "Mom"...usually when he's not feeling well or if he's scared. Normally he calls me by my first name, which is all I ever really expected. (The weird thing, though, is that his parents have always referred to me as his "other mom", not as his "birthmom".)

I'm not sure what I would have done if my DS didn't want me to call him "son" way back when. I guess I would have just been super careful not to refer to him in that manner when he was around. But, really, I don't think anybody call tell you how to refer to your daughter in your own mind and heart. I think you have that right...

I've often said on these boards that I may not be my son's mother in the eyes of the world, but doggone it, he will always be my son. Not my "birthson", my son... I won't let society take that from me, too.

[Goudvis]

Thanks for the understanding and sharing, yes I'll just have to pull back a bit for now and hope things change with time, I don't know what else to do

[feb171983]

I would never, ever tell her that YOU want to back away. I know it's hard for you, but think about it in her shoes. Her mom raised her, and has passed. She's got a lot of emotion trying to balance the mother who raised her with the one she just met.

Just apologize for calling her daughter, saying that you understand that her (adoptive) mother raised her and that you didn't intend to hurt her feelings.

After searching and finally finding her, why not just let her have some space, and say you'll always be ready to develop more of a relationship whenever she's ready? And, drop her friendly "how are you" e-mails every few months until then?

She showed she was ready by being willing to meet, but the both of you have to adjust your expectations for everything, how you live, etc. You both have lives, families, and whatever.. and maybe they won't mesh yet. But, you can still make occasional contact to show concern. Hope the situation improves.

[M.I.Ur.Birthsister]

Did anybody see "Then She Found Me" before? It's acted and directed by Helen Hunt...kinda recent, I think. Not sure.

The plot is a 39 year old woman, childless and newly wed, gets divorced and finds a "true love". Another plot line is that her biological mother finds her. Her adoptive parents are both dead. She knew she was adopted. But she is not very keen about the relationship with the bio mom.

It's suppose to be a funny movie, but I found it really stale. I thought it might be a bit offensive to bio moms also...because the bio mom is ridiculously self-centered. However, it's the only modern movie I found that attempted to address adult reunion issues.

You can see it on YouTube, if anybody's interested.

Please let me know if it added to anybody's persepective, especially bio moms. I was thinking about seeing it with my mom, before we head out to Iowa to try and find my bio sister. But I'm not sure about it, cause the bio mom character is just nothing like my mom. Still, there are some important points, like about assumptions of closeness as the adopted adult character tries to establish boundaries.