[lacymarie]

I thought I made a break through. After all the turmoil I went through my bsister finally called me. We argued for an hour but she finally admitted her wrongs and told me she wanted the medical records from our bmother and that eventually she would want contact. Well, I got the medical records, but by the time she returned my call I was already gone from work and had no access to a fax machine. I wanted to also make sure that I got the letter from my oldest sister that I was suppose to fax also. Do you know she got mad with me and told me to never contact her because I couldn't fax the info over that night. Do you know that she told me to never contact her or her family again. I was furious. I went through a lot to get our bmothers medical records so soon. Its an outrage. Im starting to regret that I even found her. I feel that I hate her. I wish she wasnt my sister. She's insane. She's 28 years old and had some sort of text message temper tantrum. Any suggestions on how to stop the hurt from this entire mess?

[Jackiejdajda]

See her in her map of the world..
She is probably emotionally over the top and is having trouble sorting all the emotions..

Check out the letter in the first post in this thread.. it may help or may not..
Reunion Socialization

Jackie

[lacymarie]

That letter is funny because it is so true. I, however, have not been able to over come the feelings just because I recongize the stages or levels in this entire situation. The hurt, pain, the battle over control. Its all nonsense. I truly hate that I ever started this whole thing. People....thats all I can really say. This entire adoption reunion stuff is just a great big ole mess. This "thing" is just a way to open a door to a whole other rhealm of hurt. I have not even told my oldest sister because I fear that she is going to be so hurt. I cant stand this feeling anymore. I have decided that I never want the contact that I yearned for my entire life. The only feelings that I have toward the girl that was born from MY mother's womb is to want her to be miserable in the world of seperation that she has created for herself.

[wishfulthinker]

Lacey,

You sound like a very angry person. I hope that you can work through your anger. It is very disturbing to read that some one wishes another person misery, no matter what the circumstances surrounding your reunion my be.

[bakerjw]

Unfortunately the unknowns behind the door that you opened and the issues that you are facing are the same for any of us be it birth child, parent, or sibling.

I am no expert nor a psychiatrist or psychologist, but from the threads that I have read I see so a lot of anger, confusion, and struggle in dealing with the reunion process. The only advice that I can ever offer to anyone is to take it slow and back away if it is too much to bear. Along with that though, be honest with whomever you are backing away from as to the reason why you need a break.

People handle their anger and frustration in different ways. Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong and wishing any ill will, step back, count to 10, take a time out, whatever you OR your bsister needs.

Sorry if it is not much help, it just sounds like you need a breather. Not that you would, but if you do have some information that she someday may want I would suggest sharing it freely. Withholding information only creates more animosity as any of us with tight lipped aparents can attest.

Hang in there.

[lacymarie]

I am very angry. And you are very judgemental wishful. I asked for advice. Not your opinion. I am more hurt than angry. When you have something to say to me in terms of easing the pain I will be all ears.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by lacymarie

I am very angry. And you are very judgemental wishful. I asked for advice. Not your opinion. I am more hurt than angry. When you have something to say to me in terms of easing the pain I will be all ears.

Advice IS an opinion and she gave hers. Also, she is right in one regard, it is bad to wish hurt on other people. It's bad for YOU to hold onto the anger and pain inside. It won't help with your healing process.

Maybe you should find someone to talk to, a therapist, a support group, since this has taken such a deep toll on you it might be time to see if with the help of someone else you can sort out all your conflicting feelings and hopefully get on the path towards healing.

Reunion isn't always the horrible process that you are going through, and it's sad that yours has gone so well. You have to remember people are in or at different stages in their lives. You never know what the future might bring and it's bad to just completely write somoene off and close a door. With the passage of time people can and do change. Maybe sometime down the line you will both be at the same place in life where you can have a relationship.

[wishfulthinker]

Lacy,

I'm sorry, but unfortunately there is nothing I can say to ease your pain. I'm not trying to be judgemental I am simply making an observation that you appear to be very angry and it would be in your best interest to work through your anger. Someome else had suggested stepping back and giving yourself a time out - I would give that a try.

You know, I'm really sorry that your reunion is not going well. I must say though at this point in my search I would think I would rather be dealing with a difficult reunion than still be stuck here in the unknown. At least you know who your bfamily is, good or bad, that is something to be thankful for.

Good luck.

[lacymarie]

Wishful. I understand where you are coming from. We are on the same line headed in two different directions. I have to disagree with you though. I have to say that I was you at one point. I didnt have a clue about anything. And I once thought that anything would be better than not knowing. How wrong I was. I am so very hurt. Hurt turns into anger. I am not and cannot be thankful to open up the doors for someone who only wishes too impose on me her narcissistic personality. I do not feel grateful towards someone who had made it her and her family's business to try to strip me of everthing I am made up of. I have come to learn curiosity is what leads this entire ordeal. Our human instinct to find out things that we feel we have the right to know. And you know what wishful, curiousity killed the cat, or in my case, killed my spirit. Not only do I feel I want to step back. I am done. Finished. My presence here is only to forewarn people of what may be ahead. Adoption reunion or not, people are cruel. I have learned that most of our behavior is learned, and you are not only opening yourself to a complete strangeer, but you are opening yourself to everything that comes along with that stranger, including their loved ones and everything they may have been instilled in that person. So, for me, I have learned that there are too many variables to have to deal with in terms of opening yourself up to someone you don't know. So my advice to you, Wishful, would be be prepared. Sometimes what you don't know can't hurt you. Don't let that human instinct to conquer the unknown do to you what it has done to me!

[lacymarie]

Originally Posted by curiositykitten

Advice IS an opinion and she gave hers. Also, she is right in one regard, it is bad to wish hurt on other people. It's bad for YOU to hold onto the anger and pain inside. It won't help with your healing process.

Maybe you should find someone to talk to, a therapist, a support group, since this has taken such a deep toll on you it might be time to see if with the help of someone else you can sort out all your conflicting feelings and hopefully get on the path towards healing.

Reunion isn't always the horrible process that you are going through, and it's sad that yours has gone so well. You have to remember people are in or at different stages in their lives. You never know what the future might bring and it's bad to just completely write somoene off and close a door. With the passage of time people can and do change. Maybe sometime down the line you will both be at the same place in life where you can have a relationship.

Common sense. I know that it is not this bad for everyone.I actually had a WONDERFUL reunion with my oldest sister. I am not here to base my feelings on the usual consensus. I am hurting. And I am writing off this thing. I understand that people are at different stages. But when you are almost 30 and you feel that the only person that matters is you, well I dont think that this is a stage. I feel that everyone is judging the way that I feel because you dont know the entire story. Noone here received the phone calls with threats and screams and swearing and name calling. Noone here had to experience what my Oldest sister and I experienced. I am giving you all minor detail. Walk in my shoes and then tell me I am wrong for this human emotion called pain. My story is deeper than what you all may read. And as far as a therapist is concerned, how do you know that I am not seeing a therapist. I am here venting. Expressing MY STORY. I am not wishing pain on her. I said I hope that she wallows in the situation that she has created for herself. That is my only hope and wish for her. I do not wish her to be ill or for something to happen to her that she isnt already imposing on herself. I still feel the same. And you know what, if you had've experienced what I have, I think you could understand. I am not here to be politically correct. I am here to be honest. To use this sight as apart of my therapy. I am sorry if you guys don't understand. Adopted or not, stages or not, none of these things buy a person a one way ticket to impose hurt on someone. None of it. So, I stand by the way that I feel. I don't even care if she changes her mind. Nevermind what she wants. I could honestly care less. Now that makes me feel better

[SWGAgirl]

Lacymarie, You have a right to your anger. It's okay and it can be a healthy part of the coping process. I would be surprised if you WEREN'T angry. Pain, hurt, fear, anger,sadness...........all seem intertwined and you can just vascillate from one to the other in this reunion business. I DO!!!!!!!

And I understand you were venting........ and you didn't really mean you hoped something bad happened to your sister. you are just expressing your frustration. You are allowed to...........

I'd say most people that are having problems with reunions and are feeling hurt or betrayed or rejected DO feel anger at one time or another- it's only natural.

Ok Jackiejdajda- let's hear some of your wisdom on anger...........

Anger is a part of walking through your grief..........so walk on through............sometimes it's a long walk. I think that's why a lot of us are here........so we don't have to walk alone.

Take care!

[Jackiejdajda]

I do not think lacymarie wants this..

I am sorry this is happening.

Reunion can be very difficult..

Jackie

[scrapnel]

Okay, I have read a number, if not all, of your posts about this birthsister. I feel like that may not be the case of a lot of the people responding to you based on their reactions.

I think you really have a right to be angry. But I don't think you should be. She just doesn't seem worth it. It's one thing to experience "reunion turmoil" or whatever, but this sister of yours has been so unbelievably rude to you and your other sister. I can't even imagine how that would be. I know it's one of my biggest fears if I ever find my birth siblings. But even though it sucks so much, it seems like what you both need to do is just cut her out of your life. If she tries to contact you again, calmly let her know that you think she needs to take some time to sort things out on her own, but you aren't her emotional punching bag and you've tried to be more than accomadating towards her. You have as many rights in this reunion as she does, and she needs to realize that. Tell her that after some time, if she thinks she is ready to establish contact and be a decent human being, she can write to you. I'd avoid phone calls as they have seemed to just be heartache for you guys. And obviously...I'd avoid face-to-face for awhile too.

I don't know how helpful that was, but I really, truly, wish you luck with this. It seems like every time I'm on these boards there's some crazy new stunt she has pulled. I'm very thankful you at least have your other sister though, and I hope one day this whole mess works out for the best.

-rachel