[sharkbetty]

I'm 41, and after 10 years of searching have found some family. I just got back with meeting b-aunt and 3 cousins. They gave me lots of info on b-mom, including amazing photos. My b-mom and I look so much alike, and have led such similar lives - truly amazing! However, upon making contact with b-aunt 1 year ago, she told me she told her sister about finding me, and her sister (my b-mom) made it absolutely clear she didn't want any contact with me, and did not want my b-aunt to remain in contact with me. I can accept that, and I don't feel bad about that. However, now that I know that we are so much alike (b-mom and I), and that she is older (mid 70s) - I really feel like I should try and make contact. Her 3 children (my half siblings) and her husband of 30 years don't even know I exist. Should I push the boundaries and make contact??? I know she won't live forever.....ideas?

[JustPeachy]

It sounds like you want to make contact. My view is, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Why not attempt it? Just keep in mind, given your aunt's comments about your bmom not wanting contact, and if she hasn't told her husband and kids, your bmom may still at this time feel she needs to keep the door shut or may need more time to come around. She was from the closed era, and back then, birthmoms were expected to never speak of having a baby, and had to go on as if it never happened. She may be fearful or ashamed (made to feel that way), or afraid of being harshly judged if she tells her "secret." Have you read "The Girls who Went Away"? It's a difficult read, but a great book to help understand what the women went through in the closed era.

[Dickons]

Sharkbetty,

If your aunt is willing, I would write a letter to your mother, give it to your aunt and then give your mother time to tell your siblings and I would add the timeline you feel is reasonable - not as a threat but as a timeline for her. After that, you have the right to know your siblings and should feel free to do what your heart tells you is the right way.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[shell50]

I met my Bmom 7 months ago at the age of 51. My half siblings knew nothing about me.
My Bmom's mother who died 6 months before I made contact had refused to discuss me or my adoption with her ever!! It was different times then. My Bmom is 69.
She is so grateful we have each other now. Perhaps your Bmom has never told her husband, but, I am sure your siblings would understand, perhaps your Bmom had no choise.
If your aunt wants contact stay with that for now. Take it slow. A letter might be good, your siblings should know the truth, secrets and lies are no good for anyone. Goodluck

[capesearcher]

Congratulations on what you have acheived so far. Its very exciting. Having spent a year just trying to getting even the slightest contact with an Uncle and 4 siblings on my bdads side with no success I can say it may not be easy. My siblings have flat out refused contact.

That being said on my birth moms side I have an amazing relationship with one of my half sisters that might never have been possible had others had their ways. If the Aunt and cousins are on your side perhaps as they get to know you better they can champion your cause for you.

Perhaps your Aunt could convince your BMom to loosen up and agree to at least a brief meeting. If not it would be great if you could get one of the cousins to introduce you to one of your siblings. This is a delicate situation but if your BMOM refuses contact and your siblings are adults in my opinion its your right to contact them.

Good luck Mark

[bakerjw]

I would write a letter and have the aunt deliver it. You Bmom may someday have a change of heart. Time heals a lot of wounds as we all know.