[shell50]

In reunion with my bmom 7 months now and although it has been an emotional rollercoaster all goes well. However, as I grew up an only child I am finding the sibling relationship strange.They are perfectly nice but we are strangers.
I suppose in time it will all fit into place.
I am one of the lucky ones,but, sometimes I feel disconnected with myself. No idea why!! My adoptive parents are both dead, I just miss them, they were my family!!
Life is a huge adventure!!
Anyone else feel the same?

[beulahcarol]

Shell50 - I can relate to what you are saying about your birth family being strangers. I found & made phone contact with both my birthparents in 2006 - both of them were in their 80's and have sinced passed. I traveled from Oregon to NY to meet my birthmother who was ill at the time. This did not turn out to be a very emotional WOW moment, it was actually anticlimatic considering I had been searching for over 20 years. My previous phone conversations had more impact than the actual meet. My birthfather somewhat was in denial but sent pictures, etc and spoke with me several times. Again they were both fading with age. I have however been in contact with my birthmother's 2 brothers and a cousin having finally traveled to N.C. this year for a week long event. They were absolutely wonderful and loving and I felt a real connection while I was there. There is a term called "genetic mirroring" which is missing with adoptees, a nonverbal language that exists between biological families. I had a taste of that mirroring when I first met my 1 uncle and looked into his eyes it was a sense of overwhelming relief, a "coming home" when I realized we had the same eyes. I also bonded somewhat with his daughter. Well 6 months have gone by and it feels like I've been essentially dumped. Here go the abandonment issues again. And, then again I remember we are all strangers and this is a bigger deal to me than it is to them I'm sure. I experienced a disconnect within myself as well even prior to my meeting anyone. Once the reunion process begins it somehow changes us. The person we have been has been altered and a new reintegration of ourselves needs to take place. I'm sure it is different for everyone. Reunion is an emotional roller coaster despite whatever else might be going on in our lives. My other uncle told me I was very brave to have searched and traveled to meet them. Life is a huge adventure and the adoptee's adventure is unique to us.

[MML1973]

Good morning everyone. I am new to this thread as well to these forums. I am a 35 year old adoptee that recently found her birth parents using a search angel. Let me start by saying the search angels really are that...angels. I cannot thank them enough for all the help they gave me. I emailed one of the angels from work and by the time I had gotten home, I knew my birth name and my bmom's last name at the time of my birth. I don't think anyone who was not adopted can understand how it feels to hear your birth name for the first time! The search angel helped me to narrow my search down to two women as the potential bmom. I chose the one closest to the age in the information provided by Catholic Charities. The search angel called and was told no one lived there by that name. I decided to write a letter and sent it to 2 different addresses. One was returned, the other I did not receive a response on. Using a friend involved in the adoption field (does searches) she identified family members and made contact and actually confirmed our suspicions. WOW! 35 years and all of a sudden I have all this information. About a week later I received a response to my letter and we have been tentaively communicating for the past several months. First by letter but that was taking too long so now we email a couple times a week. I know the experience is different for everyone but I was kind of hoping for an "Oprah moment" and instead have gotten a lot of anxiety and tentativeness. In a recent email she gave me several other email addresses, a physical address and 3 phone numbers. She didn't "ask" me to call but I felt the door was open. I guess I am just confused on how to proceed. Her response has been lukewarm so far and all communication has been initiated by me. I'd like to talk and eventually meet face to face (we live 8 hours apart) but I don't want to be disappointed. Any suggestions?

[beulahcarol]

Mama Mia - have you emailed and asked if you can call? I debated over my initial calls - I think I stalled for 2 or 3 months and over a year to actually make the first physical connection. For me the anxiety and pain of possibly being rejected clouded my ability to go forward. Sometimes the birthmother has not told her immediate family and is ambivalent about a reunion.

[MML1973]

beulahcarol, No I haven't asked. Like you, I think I am stalling because of my own feelings. I have thought of this moment for 35 years and so far it has been "different" than I thought. I don't sense a lot of excitement, anticipation, etc. on her side, so I am a bit afraid that if I call I might be disappointed and the illusion of the perfect reunion will be over. Does that make sense? I have never been so emotional or confused in my life! I know her family knows she had a baby and gave it up for adoption. I also know at least 3 of those family members know we have been reunited. My bdad passed away 6 years ago but they got married after the adoption and were married for almost 30 years! She is now remarried and her new husband is super supportive. I never thought it would be this hard, you know. I thought it would be like Oprah. I was searching for her, she'd be so happy to see her "baby" again and we'd have this tremendously emotional reunion and walk into the sunset. I think maybe this is all made so much harder by the fact that I lost my amom 2 years ago as well. Sorry to blabber on:-) Thanks for the ear...eyes

[bakerjw]

Just my take on the matter as a non expert. I would suspect that the passing of your bdad was hard on your bmom. That goes without saying though. I am sure that there were a lot of regrets since they ended up getting married eventually.

I'd say just give it some time and take things slow. We're all new at this.

[beulahcarol]

Mama mia: I'm with bakerjw regarding your bmother's loss of her husband, your bfather. A lot of emotions for her. Also, losing your adopted mother not that long ago must still be painful for you as well. The loss of a loved one takes a toll but especially for adoptees & those in the triad.

My adopted father passed many years ago and that still impacts me today he was such a loving wonderul man.

I made contact with my birthmother's 2 brothers first in 2006 and then went through a lot of emotions before I finally called her. Her brothers encouraged me to call her which helped. I didn't actually meet her for another year and glad I did because she passed ~ 6 months later. I recently met with her brother's and some of their adult children (cousins) a few months ago. I have a brother and sister on my bmother's side and 2 brothers on my bfathers side who do not know about me. I'm still too overwhelmed currently to take that on.

It can take a lot of energy to search, find and then connect with birth family. It can be a slow, careful process. I tried to follow my intuition as best I could and had some excellent resource books on adoption which were very helpful. Each one of us has a unique story and how we go about the process can be just as unique.

Reunions often don't go as planned, at least mine was very different in many ways than I had prepared for but very important for me and I'm glad I had the courage to do the work it took to reunite.

[goldeneagle]

Yep it's wiered I call it depersonalisation. I thought I knew who I was lol.xxxxxxxx

[MML1973]

Well, I finally addressed the elephant in the room and told her I'd like to me. She said she'd like to meet too but that weekends for her are booked through November. She then said it's a good thing the timing is the way it is because then we can continue to build our foundation. Maybe that will be my Christmas gift

[bprice215]

Of course you miss your mom and dad, you'll always miss them too. Your birth family is a poor subsitute for family, they may be able to help you in time. All the things you feel now are very normal. Be happy you have a birth family to enjoy, at least your not alone.
Best of luck to you.

bprice215

[snuffie]

Reunion is "unchartered water" no matter how many books we read or how prepared we may think we are.
Personalities and situations are all so different, I don't think there will/can ever be a "road map".

I have been reunited with my birth siblings on my bmom's side, a cousin of my birth grandmothers and my very own cousin. I have been extremely blessed in that it has been a wonderful reunion. I can relate to feeling different about myself - almost an "out of body" experience and I remember it took a while for me to have the two parts of me - the adopted part and the birth part come together to form a new me. It was scary at times as I wanted to run to the comfort of the "me" I knew and had been for so many years.

It does take time and things do feel "normal" after a while. I agree that it is almost a surreal experience to meet people who are so like ones self.

Relationships take time to build even though we are related. I had only 1 adoptive brother and now I have 5! And 3 sisters! And though we all have the same basic personality and even the same likes and dislikes (It's scary sometimes) we were raised in different ways. I shared photos with my siblings and they have shared photos with me and that opened up discussions about our childhoods. We talk about our lives and our families.

Both of my adoptive parents have passed away too. I, too, miss them terribly. I don't think that ever goes away.

Big hugs from me.

Snuffie

[beulahcarol]

Congratulations Mama Mia for having the courage to go forward Best wishes to you throughout your reunion process.

[williamsbird]

I come from a split familyl did not no my fathers side very well and no courousity about it, i have a step day who raised me and I am grateful to him for that and to search beyond that I feel is a slap in his face. I have been married for 18 years and my wife had given up a child for adoption and he has shown up in our lives and ruining our marriage. It turns out the father is an old high school friend of mine. I didn't know about all this. I would have never married my wife if I new this was going to happen, her past relationship is a little to close to home for me. Now my kids are going to come from a split family and I and my kids live with the embarssement and shame of it all and we are innocent victims here. It has effected my wife's and daughter relationship, my daughter does not think much of my wife's morals now. Though one should no about the medical history especially when they are having their own family and perhaps answer some courious questions like who do I look like etc. but check and see if you are welcome before coming to sunday dinner. Someone elses courousity has destroyed my life! sorry but from the other side it is not always a good thing!

[snuffie]

Williamsbird, you must be hurting and it must have been such a shock to you to find out all of this.
I don't mean this in a bad way, but could your feelings be influencing your daughters feelings toward her mother?
Your wife must have been very young when she had her son and if you read the many posts by bmoms on this site and the many wonderful books written by bmoms this may give you some insight into what she has gone through. Her road as a birth mom was not an easy one and girls were told not to tell anyone ever.
Is your wife's son causing problems in your marriage just because he showed up or is he being disruptive with his actions? If the latter is the case then definite boundaries need to be set. But if it is just because he found his birthmom, that is a different story.

I have friends who are birthmoms and have had to tell their families when their children found them. It is hard in the beginning but they have all found ways to integrate all of their children into a bigger family.

I am an adoptee so on the other side of the spectrum.

It sounds as though you have much to deal with in your own feelings. I know men are less likely to seek outside help, but maybe just talking a couple of times with an experienced counselor would help you.

I hope you can find some peace.

Snuffie

[bakerjw]

I agree with snuffie that speaking with a counselor would be of tremendous help in helping you through what you are going through. Actually it sounds necessary.

I may be wrong, but from my reading of your post it sounds like you are having the biggest problem dealing with the situation is that the father of the bson is one of your high school friends "her past relationship is a little to close to home for me". If that is not the case, I totally apologize for my misreading.

If yours wife's bson is being disruptive and showing up uninvited then some boundaries need to be set by your wife. She is the one who is in the tough spot now as she balances the reunion which at its most basic level is between her and her bson.

I am sorry that this has had such a negative impact on your life and I hope that you work things out.

From the perspective of an adoptee, I have to add that being referred to as a source of shame and embarrassment is insensitive at best. That is the attitude that caused many of us to not be able to be raised by our bmothers in the first place.