[Bethewarrior]

Hi All -

Any advice on where to meet my birth parents F2F for the first time? We have only exchanged letters but they want to meet and so do I. I live in California and they live in Canada but they said they would come to visit me or we can meet at an intermediate point. First question, should I invite them to my city? Is that too much, too soon? I am single so there are no issues about them meeting my wife or kids, but they would still be in my world. Also, do we meet at a restaurant or airport? It somehow doesn't seem private enough. Although, my buddy says that it is probably best to do it some place public. His feeling is it will lend itself to a more relaxed, less dramatic, scenario.

Does anyone have any good advice? I'm sure I will speak to my parents for the first time this week so want to have a handle on a plan before getting on that BIG call.

Thanks!

Steve

[finallyamom0310]

Steve, I hope you don't mind my thoughts here coming from an amom that has an OA and is always thinking about where to have F2F with Bmom. Neutral is best. There is nothing wrong with meeting in the middle and then if all goes well, you can go more private like the hotel lobby or hotel room. We do our F2F at a restaurant first and then if DD does well (still very young) we have Bmom join us at the hotel so they can spend more time together.

I hope you get more suggestions from adoptees in reunions too.

[Bethewarrior]

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

Steve

[geogdeb]

My bson was also single. My husband and I drove to his hometown (long way away!) and he came over to our hotel room to meet us for the first time. That is what he wanted to do. He was so confident and I was so afraid. We had however, talked on the phone for several months previous to the visit. I would say do whatever YOU are comfortable with doing. I am sure your birthparents will agree. Good luck and I am so excited for you. This will be a life changing experience -- I hope it is great.

Deb

[Bethewarrior]

Deb,

Thank you! We have yet to speak on the phone but maybe after we do, I won't feel so keyed up about this first F2F. I appreciate hearing from a bmom's perspective. Steve

[jrainbow]

Steve,
First of all, Congratulations!!

Bmom lives in CA, bdad in MA, and I'm in OK. I'm single too. So, any time we meet, we travel. So I sure understand your situations. I went to CA for bmom f2f - she picked me up at the airport. Bdad came to OK for f2f - I picked him up at the airport. In CA, bmom came with her friend who found me - she was way too nervous to come by herself ... and she doesn't drive thru the city... so it was easier for her. After the airport, we went to a restaurant for late lunch/early dinner. We were the only customers in the restaurant so it was private but it was comfortable. We all talked and took pictures, etc ... it was so easy.

For bdad, I picked him up and had everything all planned ... chit chat to the hotel - drop him off - breathe - then pick him up for dinner and after 2 or 3 or more drinks, then really talk. Didn't work that way. He asked almost as soon as we were in the car - what was my big question? After I asked about the story, he talked almost an hour without stopping... never did drop him off at the hotel til after dinner, no chit chat.

Both f2f felt very much the same - the only difference was who was in charge of planning. When I went to bmom's, she planned everything and when bdad came here, I planned everything. I was glad to have public but anonymous meetings ... we did have private time but I was glad I began breathing again before they happened.

So, it is up to you ... just make plans - private time and something to do. Hope your f2f is everything you imagined.

Jill

[Bethewarrior]

Jill,

Thanks so much for your email. Your story is a big help. My parents were married about two years after I was born so it's going to be a double whammy! Steve

[Dickons]

Hi Steve,

Don't worry about the details of the where and how...you are going to meet your family...it really will not matter if you meet on the moon...it will still be the most incredible moment of your life...meeting your family.

Take pictures is my best advice as afterwards you will want to just look at them to believe it really has happened.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Bethewarrior]

Hi Dickons,

I appreciate your comments and agree it will be an incredible moment, but I worry about privacy and comfort level. They are, after all, for lack of a better word, strangers to me. Hopefully, this will change quickly! Maybe because this meeting is so sacred, I am trying to honor their privacy too. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and the "taking" pictures idea is brilliant. I am sure it will be a surreal experience! Steve

[txrnr]

I would invite them to California. I realize it's a great deal of travel, and at some expense but, they will have each other to lean on in a strange city, where if you went to Canada, you'd have no one. I don't mean to imply that things will go badly, far from it, but I think huge events like this are emotional, and even great, happy emotions can be draining, and you may need someone to just decompress with, or to give details to so they can help you remember what you felt, what was said etc... when the rollercoaster begins. They can go back to their hotel and talk about who you look like, mannerisms etc... and they'll have each other. This at least gives you an option to call or meet up with a friend to do the same, instead of being on your own.

Congratulations, and I hope you enjoy every second of it.

[Bethewarrior]

Thank you! Very specific and sound advice. You are right, they have each other and I might need my friends to lean on before or after the first meeting.

[zxczxcasdasd]

My son had just turned 18 when he reunited with his birth mother. She lives on the East Coast and we invited her out to CA where we live. It seemed to me from the birth/first moms I'm privileged to know that one thing they really craved was knowledge about their kid, and so by inviting her here she got to know him better than she would have in a neutral location. She saw his home, his college and his high school, she ate at his favorite restaurant where he'd just celebrated his birthday, she met his best friends, saw where he grew up and where he spends his time and who he spends it with. None of that would have been possible in a neutral location. Just my opinion.

[Bethewarrior]

Great POV! This is insight I never thought of. Thank you!

Steve

[Jackiejdajda]

I got to see my bson in his home and I love that..
I have images in my head.. that I will never ever let go of..

We have drifted apart.. but I have those images..

Jackie

[bprice215]

In my case we met at our Hotel where we were staying during our vacation. She was in college in another city so she came to our hotel. It was fantastic, scary and crazy all rolled up into one. I told her everything I'd been waiting to tell her, I answered all her question and some were really hard. But I figured she had every right to know because this was about her. So relax and go with the flow, make plans as they arise, heck your still getting to know your birth parents.

bprice215