[Staley33]

Wow. What a wonderful resource all of you are. Hopefully I can get some good suggestions for Saturday. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 18 years ago, when I was 19 years old. His father and I had no future together, and I had come from a divorced home. I did not want that same experience for my son. Mine was an open adoption and I labored over it for months, finally finding a wonderful family. After the adoption, I spent months in counseling, went through a very difficult time, and finally learned to function normally. I married when I was 22 and have a wonderful husband, a 13 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. My bson's afather contacted me about a month ago and told me that my bson wanted to meet me. I've since talked to the afather many times and have cried with him, talked with him and learned wonderful information about my bson. The afather and I have a very good connection with eachother. You can't imagine how wonderful it felt to learn that my bson is a happy, well-adjusted, thriving 18 year old. To the point, I am meeting him on Saturday. We will meet in a park near my home because I just want to be alone with him at first, so we can work through whatever needs to be worked through without my husband and children watching. We'll then come back to my house for lunch. I'm just so confused about what to say to him, what he wants from the meeting, and how to act. Will an 18 year old boy really want to go into all the nitty gritty, emotional, aspects of this? I've thought about telling him that his bfather and I stopped in a parking lot on the way to the adoption agency with him in the car seat and seriously considered backing out. Is that a stupid thing to say? Or would that truth make him feel comforted? I want very much to respect his aparents and don't want to do anything to upset them. For example, I named him. They later changed his name, of course. Do I tell him that I named him and what the name was? Wouldn't that be offensive to his parents? And would that be just too much information on first meeting? PLEASE any advise or tips from birthchildren would be so appreciated. I'm also a bit worried about my kids and how they are reacting. My daughter is my oldest and seems quite emotional and worried about everything. Maybe she feels like my bson might come in and take her place as the oldest? Sorry so many questions all jammed together like this. This is all just so overwhelming. I'm excited and scared and worried. I would love a relationship with him but don't want to push it. It really is up to him. Help!

[longingtomeetyou]

embrace this moment with your son ....
ive waited a long time for a reunion with my daughter who just turned 18
enjoy this time hon

[djvj]

i'm a bmom in very recent reunion - 3 weeks ago today i met my 23 year old bdaughter and her family!!

my advice is to take it very very very slow. even at 23, my bdaughter probably can't handle a lot of my story.

let him lead the way. in a bmom's excitement and joy, it is hard to remember that to them we are kind of strangers. they don't remember the hour or day or week when we were together. they are scared and this is a big step for them.

if he asks questions, anwer them, but be aware that anything you say carries a lot of weight...so be gentle and maybe don't tell everything at once.

you will have the rest of your lives to form a friendship, share info, and get close -- it doesn't happen immediatly, and it takes a lot of sensitivity and understanding, especially since your bson is so young.

also, i want to share my experience with you, one week after the reunion i completly fell apart. i was drowning in grief, and couldn't understand why. the reunion was wonderful, she is everything i could have hoped for, and her parents are lovely and supportive of both of us. i learned that reunion entails a reliving of the pain of relinquishment - all these years of being apart, you've had feelings, and they are probably all going to come up at once. this is normal. read the posts on this site, and post here for support. while it brings great joy and peace, reunion is hard work...at least for me. there was a day this week i didn't get out of bed, didn't eat, shower...couldn't. i was a trainwreck. but things are better now, my emotions are still in havoc but they are more like clouds moving across the sky then a mactruck running over my heart.

congratulations on this wonderful event, and welcome to the rollercoaster!!!! best of luck to you

[JustPeachy]

Let your son take the lead and just be yourself. Also, I think it's hard for a lot of people to just sit with each other without constant talking. Realize you can just "be" together, you don't have to fill every moment with discussion and it certainly doesn't have to all be about adoption stuff. Ask him if he has any questions for you, and see where that leads, but you can also ask him about his life, interests, hobbies, school, etc.

Good luck to you! I hope to one day be able to have a face to face meeting with my son.

[Jo Ellen]

Staley,

I have been reunited 2 1/2 years and although my bmom has been so open to tell me everything it has taken this long for me to hear it all and I still havent processed it all. I will say though being honest about everything is the best thing to do as time permits you to share it all. Also remember your son will have things to share and some of that you may find difficult to hear. My suggestion is to take it slow and let this happen naturally. Best wishes for a wonderful time Saturday.

[Sherr34]

I know I met my birth mother for the first time in 35 yrs. Your Bson will probably have questions. I know one of mine was did she give me a birth name and what was that name. When I got her contact information I was also given my Original Birth name and that name is Rebecca Ann. My adoptive parents changed it to Sherryl Melissa and I hate the middle name melissa so I am thinking of changing it to Ann.

[Staley33]

This is really great information and something I had not thought about at all. I have indeed found ways to cope, turning the channel when anything about adoption came onto the screen and rarely sharing with my family, and burying thing so deep that I often didn't deal with them at all. I appreciate you letting me know that I might need to expect a roller coaster. I had not even considered that. Congratulations on your reunion! That's wonderful news.

[Staley33]

I'm still new to the forum thing and was trying to reply to each of you individually. You do not know how much you have helped me. It is so comforting to hear from people are going through or experiencing some element of what I am. Your wisdom is so appreciated. Nice to hear about wanting to know your birthname, Sher34. I have all the things I saved from the hospital, his bracelet, his blankets, bottles and even diapers. Do you think he'd want to see those things? And also, what does everybody think about my telling him about our (his birth father included) intense desire to never show up at the adoption office (we were going from the hospital to the adoption agency.) Is that too heavy for a first meeting? I have all sorts of pictures of me holding him in the hospital too. Should I show him those? Again, you guys are my angels!

[JustPeachy]

I don't know if I would get too intense with things. Doing all of the above might be overboard for a first meeting. I think it is appropriate to say while you and your son's bdad ultimately made the decision to go through with an adoption plan, it was very hard, and you almost couldn't go through with it. Be prepared, though, that he will likely ask you why you didn't turn back, what kept you from doing so, etc.

It might be nice for him to see his hospital bracelet, but the whole shebang (diapers, bottles, blanket) might be too much, but you can let him know you have these things. Also know that you may wish to keep some of these things for yourself (I have several keepsakes from the hospital and that is all I've had of my son to hold on to).

Definitely bring the pictures.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Don't forget to take pictures. (seriously!)

I agree with the others about proceeding slowly. When my son had his reunion at 18, he didn't so much have questions about the past as he did curiosity about the present: what is she like? siblings? what does their life look like? He didn't need to solve any mystery of motives or history, as much as he just wanted to know what they looked like, meet in person and just see what happened from there.

My advice (other than taking pictures) is to make the meeting about the present, not about the past.

[Tazer]

I am a reunited B-mom having met my daughter 2 and 1/2 years ago when she was 19. You've gotten some wonderful advice already and there's really nothing new I have to add except take it slow and be yourself. I worried a lot about what I'd say, do, be asked by her in the 2 weeks between our first phone call and first F2F but it went much smoother that I ever dreamed it would. I just remember the shock at seeing how much of a Mini-Me she truly is! That in itself caused us to giggle uncontrollably and really broke the ice!

There really was this *bond* between us and while it's almost impossible to describe there seemed to be magic in the air and it was great.

I think meeting him alone and in the park at first is a great idea and if things start to stall you can easily change the pace by doing something different. I think some 18yo might want to get to the difficult stuff at first while others might not. You'll probably get a feel for his level of maturity and what he's interested in hearing by listening to his questions and you can take your cues from him. You had every right to name him just as they (his A-parents) had to re-name him so I would honestly tell him what his original name was. My daughter was shocked to know this was even an option before I placed her and was even more shocked to discover I had photo's of us taken together and still had her hospital ID band.

As far as your daughter is concerned just make sure her needs are not overlooked and encourage her to vent openly and use the resources you have here and you will do fine!

I am so excited for all of you and I pray it goes well! Hurry back with the update. Tracy

[djvj]

hi,
i too saved EVERYTHING from the time i had with my bdaughter as a baby - binky, diaper (clean)lol, wristband, flowerpots, bib -(we were snowed in, courts were closed 2 weeks, never left her side).

i told her about these things when we met, but did not show her. she wants to see them in the future. i also have video tapes (gonna have to transfer them) of us together. i think it would be great to tell him you saved all these things and see if he wants to see them sometime in the future.

ps - i felt just as nervous and excited as you did

[capesearcher]

I am so excited for you two I get goosebumps. I didn't get to meet my birth mom until I was 38 but I started my search when I was 18 and my needs didn't change much. Its hard to explain but meeting my birth mom and sisters was a looking in the mirror kind of thing. i just wanted to know why I was the way I am, where did my traits and mannerisms come from, I wanted my birth Mom to know she did the right thing and that I turned out allright. We all have different reasons and needs in the adoption reunion process, these are just my experiences but I hope it puts your mind at ease that your sons wants and needs may be very easy to satisfy just by meeting you and talking with you.

The dynamics between all parties of the adoption triad are very very complicated and it is easy for me to over analyze. Try and enjoy the moment, and accept that the emotions will be all over the place. I think the alone one on one time with your son is very important. And as others have said dont let the awkward moments bother you its part of the process.

I highly recommend if you havnt already to start a journal just for yourself and write down your thoughts and emotions as the reunion unfolds. I found it very helpful. And of course come back here we are here for you.

Good luck, Mark

[Staley33]

all of the warmth and kindess you have sent my way. Truly, and it sounds strange, but you have all been my rock during these last couple of days. I believe I can go into this with confidence having heard from all of you. Today, I'm cleaning my house like crazy, wondering what might be too "in your face" about my home (even took my Obama sign down, which I'd take down for NOBODY) because I don't want to overwhelm him with who we are. I want to find out who he is and make sure he feels comfortable with who he is around us. I have prepared a box of mementos and pictures from his days in the hospital with his bfather and I and if he wants to see them , I'll have them available. Feeling very emotional, crying all the time, but am not sad or overly worried. You have all given me such confidence and wisdom. Thank you all so much. I'll be reading this forum up until the moment I walk out the door to go see him in the morning...

[RavenSong]

Congratulations on your upcoming face-to-face meeting with your son! You must be so very excited, scared, nervous, all rolled up into one!

My son was also 18 years old when we reunited. The first face-to-face meeting, we were both so scared and nervous! I didn't go into any of the reasons I had placed him for adoption that first meeting. He did ask me about his original full name, however...it was important for him to know, and he seemed ready to hear it. Fortunately, he LOVED his birth name!

During the following year, the story surrounding his birth and relinquishment came out a bit at a time. I played everything by ear and took my cues from him. I never talked with him too much, though, about what effect the relinquishment had had on me. He knows that his birthdad and I wanted to keep him, that we regret not being able to raise him. But I've never really gone into all the grief and loss issues with him, mainly because I think that's an unfair burden to place on my son. It's my "baggage", not his. I think he knows that it was incredibly hard at times to live without him, and he knows I thought about him every day, but he has no idea how it almost destroyed me emotionally. I just figure that kind of stuff is for me to deal with with my therapist, forum friends, and support group members.

Try to relax...I know, easier said than done, lol! You'll do just fine. And like everyone has already said, be sure to take a lot of pictures with you to share with him. That is really, really important, IMO.