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  #1  
Old 08-12-2008, 07:13 PM
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stinky_kitty stinky_kitty is offline
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Reunion Anger & Other Emotions

Since no one really can tell you how each reunion is gonna go, I'm looking for all the moral support I can get. I'll give a breif rundown of my situation.

When I was 2 weeks shy of my 15th birthday I gave birth to my son who my aparent's forced me to place (they told me abortion or adoption). I had a horrible experience with the social worker / agency too long to go into right now but suffice it to say it was horrible to the extreme.

My son's adoption was supposed to be semi-open, it turned out to be mostly semi-closed, for about 4 years it was totally closed. His aparents didn't tell him he was adopted until 2 1/2 months ago, he is 14 1/2 years old.

Fast forward to today. My son and I have been steadily building a relationship, we're in contact daily mostly through IM. I am also in contact with his aparents, everything has been going well. I just flew down to meet / spend time with him for about 4 days and it went great. Also spent time talking with his amom about things that I was told by the social worker / agency that were not true and vice versa. A lot of miscommunication was cleared up, it was a good thing, long time coming.

Anyhoo....I have this feeling that there is anger brewing underneath the surface with him. He already got mad at me over something that was not within my control. His amom told me something that I didn't know he didn't know she told me and he got mad at ME that she told me.

So how do I deal with any possible anger that he projects onto me?? I am also an adoptee so I have experience with that end of things as well, and I'm thinking that might help me in this situation but our adoptions were very different. I've also been in reunion with my firstmom for about 15 years and although we've had little tiffs I never had any real anger with her and vice versa.

Anyway....I guess I'm just looking for others who have gone through this. It's extra difficult because he is so young and I think also because he was not told the truth for so long.

Thanks for reading this if you've made it this far!!!
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  #2  
Old 08-12-2008, 08:07 PM
txrnr txrnr is offline
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Of course, only you know since you were there, but I would have to say, I wouldn't find a 14.5 year old getting mad and irrational over nothing unusual. I'm sure it's tough on you because you don't know if it's a reaction to you, his adoption, or just a horrible case of teenager.

I wouldn't borrow trouble. Chalk it up to being a teen unless you find out differently.
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Old 08-12-2008, 08:16 PM
wishfulthinker wishfulthinker is offline
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I agree. Teenagers are moody and going through a lot in their daily lives with drama, school work, growing up, peer pressure, etc. To top that all off with throwing a bmom in the mix, well that's just icing on the cake. I would walk a fine line with him at such a tender age. I mean, I remember how I was at that age and now I have my kids that age, and if I had had two mothers - wow, I would probably play them against eachother to get my way. The amom is his mother - the one who's raised him and lays down the rules, she has that utimate right. As the bmom, I think it would be a good idea to kind of lay low. You have his whole adult life to forge a relationship. He still has a lot of growing up to do - with the guidance of his aparents.
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Old 08-12-2008, 08:59 PM
katie52 katie52 is offline
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I am just speculating, but since they just told him @ 14, and went on to having you all visit, so quickly, I think they had a reason. Perhaps they thought he was rebelling, or he knew' something' but couldn't figure what. For some reason I think they hoped that having this reunion would help him in some way.

So I would stay in IM contact as much as possible, and listen to his concerns, and his feelings about life.
This is a very very difficult time in every boys life.
I am glad his aparents brought in some back up.lol

I would tell you above all, do not take everything a 14 yr old says too literally. They tend to exaggerate,and add a bit for drama. They may also play adults against each other, so take any horrible deed he describes, with a grain of salt. Ditto his 'anger.' do not let him
manipulate you with it. Just say sorry and move on and he will be over it.lol

I think the best thing he could ever have is you as a sounding board during these teen years. Congratulations to both of you.
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Old 08-12-2008, 09:14 PM
djvj djvj is offline
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Wink tough age

i agree,
reuniting with a young teen is probably a much more difficult experience then it will be in 10 years. i have no answers, except to keep reminding yourself he is in the most awkward, difficult period of a young man's life, his hormones are all over, he is in the process of defining the person he will someday be...and it's definately not all about you, even if it's all aimed at you sometimes.

i wish patience and calmness for you, because i think anyone in your situation is going to need a lot of it.

best wishes for continued growth in your relationship.
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  #6  
Old 08-13-2008, 06:51 AM
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stinky_kitty stinky_kitty is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katie52
I am just speculating, but since they just told him @ 14, and went on to having you all visit, so quickly, I think they had a reason. Perhaps they thought he was rebelling, or he knew' something' but couldn't figure what. For some reason I think they hoped that having this reunion would help him in some way.

So I would stay in IM contact as much as possible, and listen to his concerns, and his feelings about life.
This is a very very difficult time in every boys life.
I am glad his aparents brought in some back up.lol

I would tell you above all, do not take everything a 14 yr old says too literally. They tend to exaggerate,and add a bit for drama. They may also play adults against each other, so take any horrible deed he describes, with a grain of salt. Ditto his 'anger.' do not let him
manipulate you with it. Just say sorry and move on and he will be over it.lol

I think the best thing he could ever have is you as a sounding board during these teen years. Congratulations to both of you.

Thanks. That's what I've been doing for the most part. He initiates almost all of our communications. Although I very much enjoy talking to him (hello?! I've waited 14 years for the opportunity) it can be overwhelming at times.
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  #7  
Old 08-13-2008, 06:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txrnr
I'm sure it's tough on you because you don't know if it's a reaction to you, his adoption, or just a horrible case of teenager.


That's the thing. We don't talk about his adoption, I'm not going to bring up unless he does and he has only done so on like 1 or 2 occaisions. But I can just tell that it is right there under the surface you know?? I'm afraid one day its just gonna explode and I just have this creeping suspicion it's gonna be towards me.
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  #8  
Old 08-13-2008, 07:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wishfulthinker
The amom is his mother - the one who's raised him and lays down the rules, she has that utimate right. As the bmom, I think it would be a good idea to kind of lay low. You have his whole adult life to forge a relationship. He still has a lot of growing up to do - with the guidance of his aparents.

I don't really know why you felt the need to point all of that out to me, I am quite aware of the roles that we all have. Keep in mind that THEY contacted me and not the other way around.
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  #9  
Old 08-13-2008, 07:15 AM
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JustPeachy JustPeachy is offline
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Wow, to be told you are adopted at 14 is not the best age to receive this info. I'm curious why they waited so long to tell, and then decided to do it in early adolescence! Yikes!

I don't have much advice for you, but I think you are handling this well. I would hope his parents would arrange for some counseling to help your son deal with his anger constructively, and also to help him process just finding out now he is adopted. Also, can you obtain counseling for yourself to help you deal with the anger and other issues that can come up on all sides in reunion?

Last edited by JustPeachy : 08-13-2008 at 07:18 AM.
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  #10  
Old 08-13-2008, 07:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustPeachy
Wow, to be told you are adopted at 14 is not the best age to receive this info. I'm curious why they waited so long to tell, and then decided to do it in early adolescence! Yikes!

I don't have much advice for you, but I think you are handling this well. I would hope his parents would arrange for some counseling to help your son deal with his anger constructively, and also to help him process just finding out now he is adopted. Also, can you obtain counseling for yourself to help you deal with the anger and other issues that can come up on all sides in reunion?

Apparently they told him because he was taking a biology class and they really have no similarities between them. He tells me that he asked them if he was adopted years ago when he was around age 7 and they told him no. I think that is what is bothering him the most, understandably so.

You know I've been thinking about seeing a counselor as his adoption was really rough on me emotionally and I worked through all of that and I really don't want this to set me back. It's difficult even when it's easy you know??
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  #11  
Old 08-13-2008, 07:45 AM
djvj djvj is offline
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imo

man, if you can do it, DO IT. even with a perfectly compliant 23 yr old reunion is hard hard hard. therapy can't hurt.
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  #12  
Old 08-14-2008, 05:14 AM
Jackiejdajda Jackiejdajda is offline
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stinky_kitty
Quote:
You know I've been thinking about seeing a counselor as his adoption was really rough on me emotionally and I worked through all of that and I really don't want this to set me back. It's difficult even when it's easy you know??

Reunion Socialization
(author not identified)

What happens when these worlds converge?

One must learn to read between the lines. Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is. We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and lifestyle differences.


Resentments about what happened helps no one..
Working inside the box accepting what has gone down up to this point gives us a place of solid..
It is what it is what it is..

Jackie
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:15 AM
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lacymarie lacymarie is offline
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Angry

Quote:
Originally Posted by wishfulthinker
I agree. Teenagers are moody and going through a lot in their daily lives with drama, school work, growing up, peer pressure, etc. To top that all off with throwing a bmom in the mix, well that's just icing on the cake. I would walk a fine line with him at such a tender age. I mean, I remember how I was at that age and now I have my kids that age, and if I had had two mothers - wow, I would probably play them against eachother to get my way. The amom is his mother - the one who's raised him and lays down the rules, she has that utimate right. As the bmom, I think it would be a good idea to kind of lay low. You have his whole adult life to forge a relationship. He still has a lot of growing up to do - with the guidance of his aparents.
I cannot believe you said what you said in this posting. I think you should try to be a little bit more sensitive toward this person for the courage that she has to come here and express herself. I also think that since her reason for giving her child up for adoption is what it is, she has all the right to be mom number 2. I really just cant believe you said such a thing. People really amaze me sometime. The amom doesn't have the ultimate right just because. She has the "legal" obligation. Just because she adopted this child does not take away the blood relation this woman has to her son. And the fact that she is creating a relationship with the boy prooves that. I for one do not believe that people should be treated with such disrespect because they had to give their children up for adoption. Be a little more sensitive to the entire situation. Please.
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Old 08-22-2008, 02:21 PM
wishfulthinker wishfulthinker is offline
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Wow - sorry I'm not "sensitive" enough for you. I still stand by my words. I think that being 14 years old and having mom #1 and mom #2 is totally obsurd. I really don't think that I was or am disrespectful towards birthparents either.

This whole ultimate right and blood relation thing are crazy to me. When birthmoms give up their babies, they do give the ultimate right of being the child's mom to the amom. It's not blood alone that makes the strongest relationships - it's what's put into it - the sweat, tears, love, communication, support, etc.

I see a lot of posts that are so negative of amoms and I happen to find that disrespectul, although I've never retalliated and told anyone to be more sensative. I have a right to my own opinions and so do you. Sure it takes some courage to come on here and express yourself, but when I reply to some one I always do so the courage to honestly share my opinions
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Old 08-22-2008, 04:18 PM
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taramayrn taramayrn is offline
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Thanks for coming and sharing your opinion with us Wishful. I'm sure it's been really supportive and helpful to Stinky as she tries very hard to navigate this reunion with her bson's best interests at heart. I know that is utmost on her mind.
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