[Tazer]

Hi Guys! I just officially joined this site today but I've been "lurking" for the past 4 months and thought it was time I was outed, so here goes. My name is Tracy and I am the reunited B-mom of a 23 year old daughter Jessica as well as mom to 16 year old twin daughters Alexa and Alea and a son Aidan born this past Saturday,the 26th, appox. 9 years after my d/h Adam had a FAILED snip and cut in an attempt to avoid this very situation (I am 38, he is 43.) I delivered 5 weeks early due to eclampsia but we're both fine and he weighed in at 5lbs. 13 oz. Our family is complete, at last.
I became pregnant at 16 during a drug-induced date rape. I am not sure who Jessica's b-father is b/c there was more than one attacker but before the rape I was a virgin and I'd never used drugs or even drank. I left the city weeks after the attack and stayed with relatives in California and denied to myself that I was pregnant until my 5th month. I placed her for adoption mainly to avoid the pain and shame I felt after the attack. Her adoption was closed but I gave the agency regular informative updates as well as permission to contact me should she ever search. While providing them with my new address in '05 I discovered that a former classmate was the social worker there and instead of waiting on Jess to search she contacted her and provided her with my contact info. It was then that we learned Jessica was never told she was adopted. My friend was fired from her job at the agency when Jessica's A-mom discovered what she'd done and tried very hard to prevent us from meeting.
Jess called and set up the reunion and seemed really happy initially but as the months passed she has grown more and more angry; especially after she learned we were expecting our son. I have been very open and honest with her, even about her conception, but its hard. I have tried to accept her in my life but she brings back so much pain. She has been so rude and demanding lately that we are currently "on hiatus" and communicating mainly by e-mail only. She did stop by the hospital on Sunday and brought flowers and the cutest onesie w/matching hat for her 1/2 brother. Before I left home to be admitted (I was induced) she stopped by and helped Adam hang curtains in the baby's room. Now that I've delivered and in no further danger I expect her visits to become more frequent and that scares me.
There's more to my story but someone is getting fussy and I don't want to bore all of you to tears tonight.
I think this is an excellent forum and I hope you guys don't mind the ear-bending that's sure to come, because I need help. See Ya! Tracy

[txrnr]

Welcome!! Congratulations on the new addition. I'm not in reunion, so I can't offer much but support. I certainly hope she straightens up soon.

[RavenSong]

Welcome to the forums, Tracy! We're glad to have you join us here!!

It sounds to me like Jessica may be having a bit of sibling rivalry, with the new addition of your baby son. I would imagine that seeing you be the mom of an infant may be triggering some adoption issues deep inside her. Even though most of our children understand logically that they were relinquished so they would have better lives than we could provide at the time, many of them still perceive it as abandonment on an emotional level.

You may think that 23 is too old for someone to go thru sibling rivalry. But in my experience, I've found that many reunited adoptees, especially if they are in their late teens or early 20's, tend to regress a bit for a while. When I reunited with my son, he had just turned 18 years old. And believe it or not, he seemed to go thru many of the earlier childhood stages with me. We had the "terrible two's", separation anxiety, temper tantrums, and an unbelievable amount of testing limits. It all eventually worked itself out. I've heard the same thing happening with other reunions.

Just hang in there. Jessica will soon see for herself that you aren't going to abandon her for the new baby. But it may take a while before she feels secure with you.

[Tazer]

Thanks Ladies for the warm welcome. As stated, I have lurked here for several months but with so much going on during my complicated pregnancy I decided to wait until after the birth to post but I've read and enjoyed many of your writings.
My reunion journey is a very emotional one as I am sure most are and its compounded by the fact that

a: Jessica never knew she was adopted so I actually destroyed the "myths" that her mom has given her as truths, which in turn has thrown a monkey wrench in their relationship

b: She is dealing with both adoption and reunion related issues all at once and refuses therapy

c: Can not understand why if I had family support my reason for placing her was not due to lack of funds, or lack of help but mainly b/c she is a product of rape. I can understand that she feels "rejected" but she can't understand why I at 16 couldn't separate her from "the crime." I am sure I was suffering from PTSD after the crime and I honestly didn't feel capable of caring for this innocent reminder.I simply was not able to see her as separate from what happened. Prior to the night this happened, I'd never had sex or even a boyfriend. I simply went to a party at a friends house and drugs were slipped into the glass of punch I was drinking. I woke up hours later nude and in pain and surmised what must have occurred. I distanced myself from "the event" by not seeing her as "my baby" or even a baby...I viewed the pregnancy as one does the mumps, cramps, chicken pox's or some other uncomfortable moment in time, refusing to even admit I was pregnant for 5 months. I wanted her to have parents who didn't have to deal with the fear, pain, hatred or any of the emotions I felt while I carried her, I wanted her with parents who wanted her so badly they'd meet every requirement an agency made them go through. I have never shared my feelings with her, its simply too private; but she knows the events surrounding her conception.

d: She actually found a B-mom who has had intense therapy to deal with these issues and is fine now, even to the point of mentoring sexual abuse victims with the local police dept. but she never saw the broken mess I was for years after the crime. Translation: She feels like she was "out of sight, out of mind" and that she paid the price for my recovery. She doesn't have any idea of the pain I suffered, nor do I want her to.
Its very complicated and difficult to explain. She hates her 1/2 sibs b/c they are so well..."normal." Because my d/h had a vasectomy prior to my sons conception she frequently says she can't wait to tell him he was unwanted. (not true; he was unexpected but much wanted.) She's probably asked me 50 times if I considered placing him for adoption???
We live about 10 miles apart so she was a frequent drop-in but lately I've had to limit contact due to the pre-eclampsia during the pregnancy. She came over about 2 months ago and after she left my daughters discovered many items of clothing and jewelery also vanished. ( She wore a pair of the missing sandals to church.) She read one of the twins diary and shared with my d/h at the breakfast table that Alexa was not a virgin! This is not news you want served up with your cereal and Sunday paper. Because of this she no longer has the support of her sisters. They accepted her beautifully at first, and they no doubt still love her, but she has pushed them away with her actions and attitude.
That's just a sampling of my reunion saga. I don't know if we'll ever have a stronger bond or even if I really want to. The main thing I need from this forum is support with the feelings of guilt I have for not wanting to "hold on no matter what." I often feel like such a bad B-mom especially when I read stories here from other B-moms in reunion. Its a process, I know and I just ask that you ladies keep on doing what you do 'cause you RoCk. Tracy

[TAMArt7]

Congratulations on your new baby, Tracy! You sound like a great mom!

Originally Posted by Tazer

I became pregnant at 16 during a drug-induced date rape. I am not sure who Jessica's b-father is b/c there was more than one attacker but before the rape I was a virgin and I'd never used drugs or even drank. I left the city weeks after the attack and stayed with relatives in California and denied to myself that I was pregnant until my 5th month. I placed her for adoption mainly to avoid the pain and shame I felt after the attack. Her adoption was closed but I gave the agency regular informative updates as well as permission to contact me should she ever search. While providing them with my new address in '05 I discovered that a former classmate was the social worker there and instead of waiting on Jess to search she contacted her and provided her with my contact info. It was then that we learned Jessica was never told she was adopted. My friend was fired from her job at the agency when Jessica's A-mom discovered what she'd done and tried very hard to prevent us from meeting.
Jess called and set up the reunion and seemed really happy initially but as the months passed she has grown more and more angry; especially after she learned we were expecting our son.

My heart breaks for you that your reunion experience has been anything less than wonderful, especially considering the tragic event that started this whole journey! I am so sorry

As you know, the subjects of my (failed) reunion were a cold and selfish bsister and her cold and secretive amom. Although it sounds like you and your bdaughter have been able to develop a relationship (albeit stressful at this time), I see parts of your story that mirror that, and I hate that you have to experience it!

Now that I've delivered and in no further danger I expect her visits to become more frequent and that scares me.

I can't even imagine what a challenge this must be for you! While I think that at some point, you may need to put your foot down a bit with her attitude, maybe you could ask her what is bothering her, and try to address the issues. It sounds like you have done the best job possible trying to connect with her, so I would venture a guess that her attitude stems from being raised in a culture of secrets (and perhaps a touch of resentment, seeing what a great mom you are to your kids).

Giving your daughter up showed courage and wisdom beyond your years. Consider that because her aparents never told her she was adopted, they never took the opportunity to tell her what a brave and selfless act that was. It is sort of like that part of her was "born" when as an adult (or teenager?) she found out that she was adopted.

As with my bsisters amom, it sounds like the amom is filled with insecurity and hostility. No doubt this attitude (through no fault of your own) has in some measure rubbed off on your bdaughter. In inviting her to discuss her feelings with you, you are essentially saying, "We don't need to have secrets. It's OK to have these feelings, and it's OK to talk about them." Secrets cause shame, and if you demystify the secrets, the shame diminishes. Maybe you need to say some of the things to her (about her adoption) that her amom has been too selfish and insecure to say.

We don't know eachother, Tracy, but I'm proud of you! Hang in there, and feel free to email me anytime!
...t

[TAMArt7]

What awful complications! My heart just breaks for you!!

It is so unfortunate that she refuses to go to therapy, as it sounds like she REALLY could benefit from it. I think that it is also important that she understand that you will not allow her to hurt your other children any more than you would allow them to hurt her.

Good luck to you!
...t

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by TAMArt7

Congratulations on your new baby, Tracy! You sound like a great mom!



My heart breaks for you that your reunion experience has been anything less than wonderful, especially considering the tragic event that started this whole journey! I am so sorry

As you know, the subjects of my (failed) reunion were a cold and selfish bsister and her cold and secretive amom. Although it sounds like you and your bdaughter have been able to develop a relationship (albeit stressful at this time), I see parts of your story that mirror that, and I hate that you have to experience it!



I can't even imagine what a challenge this must be for you! While I think that at some point, you may need to put your foot down a bit with her attitude, maybe you could ask her what is bothering her, and try to address the issues. It sounds like you have done the best job possible trying to connect with her, so I would venture a guess that her attitude stems from being raised in a culture of secrets (and perhaps a touch of resentment, seeing what a great mom you are to your kids).

Giving your daughter up showed courage and wisdom beyond your years. Consider that because her aparents never told her she was adopted, they never took the opportunity to tell her what a brave and selfless act that was. It is sort of like that part of her was "born" when as an adult (or teenager?) she found out that she was adopted.

As with my bsisters amom, it sounds like the amom is filled with insecurity and hostility. No doubt this attitude (through no fault of your own) has in some measure rubbed off on your bdaughter. In inviting her to discuss her feelings with you, you are essentially saying, "We don't need to have secrets. It's OK to have these feelings, and it's OK to talk about them." Secrets cause shame, and if you demystify the secrets, the shame diminishes. Maybe you need to say some of the things to her (about her adoption) that her amom has been too selfish and insecure to say.

We don't know eachother, Tracy, but I'm proud of you! Hang in there, and feel free to email me anytime!
...t

Tam, I want you (and everyone else) to know that at this moment I am bawling like the wet, hungry newborn in the other room b/c you actually describe and relate to what is going on here. (OK don't panic, Dad and Big Sisters are all home so I'm allowing them to bond today and 'lil Aidan is in good hands; just slow hands-6- unable to multi-task hands.)
I related to your story as soon as I read it and I feel you're my on-line-sister!
Jessica's mom planned to take the secret of her adoption to her grave and she hates me for revealing it. Its weird b/c my friend from the agency was able to contact her b/c her parents actually still lived in the same house they had when she was adopted and even had the SAME PHONE NUMBER! I ask myself how the heck did she think this would work, but then I remember she actually kept the secret for 21 years. She called the parents number asked for Jessica and her Dad took her number and gave it to Jess without asking the nature of my friends call (thank goodness.) My contacting the agency led to this discovery and the years of lies her parents fed her. Then to top it off while I wanted to provide her with her history and medical issues I wasn't exactly looking for a reunion and instant mom-daughter relationship. There-in lies my guilt. Many of the b-moms here would give their right arms to be reunited and I understand that but until I actually met her I didn't feel anything other than curiousity about her. I can honestly say I've grown to love her over the past 2 and 1/2 years but her actions and behaviors are making me question if its all worth it?
She has had run-ins with her mom because of our interactions and she uses these to manipulate me. "Well Mom is so angry that I'm visiting you that she refused to lend me $250.00 for spring break, but I've already put a non-refundable deposit on the room so can you do it?" I did only to discover later that her Mom did indeed give her the money as well as her Visa card.
She frequently refers to her sibs as those "b*#*hes" smokes in my non-smoking home behind my back, (in the bathroom) and openly smoked marijuana in front of my girls while driving them to the mall.
This is not a person I'd think of having as a friend and in reality she's much more than a friend. Its so complicated and its topped off by post delivery hormones!
I've offered therapy and I'm considering making it a requirement for our relationship. She is at times a very nice person, but its a rare sight when she shows this side.
Thanks for being here and hang in there; don't get so wrapped up in my drama that you loose sight of your own needs. Tracy

[TAMArt7]

I related to your story as soon as I read it and I feel you're my on-line-sister!

Well I'm happy to be your on-line sister!!!
It helps me SO MUCH to hear others stories and hopefully help them feel that they are not alone.

I have to go... but I'll talk to you soon!
...t

[rainmon]

Tazer, I think its a great idea about you making therapy for your b-daughter a requirement for awhile.
it just makes so much sense for so many reunions that may be doomed without it. and if periodically you could join in, it could be so helpful for all concerned.

[txrnr]

Tazer,
You suffered enough. I'm sure you know that, but it appears your bd does not. Your pregnancy was a result of your victimization, yet you brought her into this world, AND, did your best to ensure she would have a good life. I can't imagine too many women being able to set aside what happened and raise a child, much less a teenager. That alone says was a "tough" woman you are.

It sounds as if your bd is a bit spoiled, and emotionally immature. You have every right to put down boundaries. She may have some issues due to adoption, but they shouldn't be yours. She's an adult, and perfectly capable of getting help working those out.

You've given your bd so much. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a stable relationship as opposed to the manipulative one she's trying to force on you now.

I'm glad you are no longer in lurker mode.

[curiositykitten]

I agree with all who've said that it is a good idea to put some boundaries on the relationship with the bd. Stealing, and spying and then using that information to try to get another sibling in trouble with their parents is crossing many lines all at once.

I wonder if she thought that by doing these things, she would get more of your attention? Along the lines of ANY attention is good attention sort of thinking?

What I will say is that I can't imagine what it must be like for her as an adoptee to suddenly find out she is adopted though, especially after years of not knowing. That in itself has to do a number on you and I think the suggestion of therapy/support group for her is another solid choice.

Good luck!