[Sherr34]

I have a question. Do you think that babies when they are adopted can face separation anxiety when they are older. The reason why I am asking is because when I was born I had a week of bonding with Birth mother than I was in foster care for almost 2 months and then placed in the adoptive home. And to this day I have a hard time with allowing people get close to me or me getting close to other people.

[mygrl4meee]

I really don't know, I suppose anything is possible. My question is did you feel this way, before you knew that you spent a week with your bmom, and then at a foster home. Because we don't have memories at this age, but we do form bonds, so maybe it's a form of hurt, that babies experience but they just can't tell anyone what they are feeling.

[MixedBliss]

Originally Posted by Sherr34

....Do you think that babies when they are adopted can face separation anxiety when they are older. ... And to this day I have a hard time with allowing people get close to me or me getting close to other people.

Hey, Sherr-
I have no idea how I missed this post and why so few people have answered it yet. YOU BETCHA I think that being separated from our birth mothers can have a huge impact on how we deal with relationships later in our lives.

Isn't that the premise of Nancy Verrier's book "The Primal Wound"? (<---question for anyone who has read it. My copy is on order).

For me, there are not that many people I've WANTED to be close to. But the only person I've really pushed away is my bsister. Wish I could have pushed her off a cliff to be exact, but doubtful that has anything to do with what you're asking about

[geogdeb]

I saw this post and had to respond. Yes!! I think it affects both adoptees and birthparents (particulary birthmothers) for the rest of their lives. For example, my raised daughter and I have always had a tumultuous relationship. Even now that she is an adult we argue a lot. And sometimes she threatens to have nothing to do with me ever again. Now I know she doesn't mean it -- I have been through this so many times, but it always throws me into a state of panic. It took me until just recently to realize why it affects me so much and my husband can just laugh it off. It is because I lost contact with one of my children for 26 years (and another child died in infancy). When I realized it I explained it to my daughter and told her she could fight with me in any other way, but never to threaten to not be a part of my life. I think she understands.

So the short answer is yes. But once you understand why you have the problem with close relationships you should be able to deal with it better. Let us know if we can help.

Deb

[dlb003]

Yes, yes and yes.

I do not know if I spent any time with my bmom after I was born, but I spent 3 months in foster care prior to being placed with aparents. I have always had a difficult time bonding - especially with females. And I have never bonded with my a.mom. Our relationship has...never felt right. Ya know.

Mixed bliss is spot on - The book Primal Wound is a great place to start in regards to understanding a little more on this topic.

But I have often wondered after reading this book way back in the 90's , if I had spent time with my bmom, maybe this was why I was unable to bond with a.mom.

From my non id info I have been told that she did not contact the agency until she was 6 months pregnant and then did not sign the papers for my relinquishment until a month after I was born. Perhaps intuitively we know and are afraid to be disloyal - and then of course afraid of being hurt again.

But seriously you need to read the book as Nancy can explain it so much better in depth. As those ramblings above are only my feelings.

But thank you for bringing up, I am glad I am not the only one who has ever pondered this. I hope there are others who add to this discussion.

[Jo Ellen]

I do believe there can be seperation anxieties after a child is seperated from their bmom. I know that I wasnt with my bmom at all after my birth and I know from reading my hospital records that I didnt demand a feeding for 4 days. I believe it was due from the seperation then I spent 3 weeks in the hospital with different nurses taking care of me. Growing up I would always panic when my amom was late from picking me up from somewhere.... which happened on a regular basis and I now know I was also suffering from abandonment issues. I just wish there was a way for all of us to understand all the issues that are faced when adoption takes place.

[bakerjw]

I am not sure of how the timeframes work. I was removed from my bmom at age xx and ended up being adopted at almost 4 years of age. I am sure that I had bonded with her by then. I never had any problems with my amom. She and I were always close.

[ukadoptee1968]

Hi, I read 'the primal wound', by nancy newton verrier.Now at last I finally totally understand myself aftr all these years.I recommend this book to anyone who is affected by adoption.