[hubertw3]

At first she seemed ok with reunion. I think it was strange to have a birthfather initiate a reunion, and she is struggling with that. We have only exchanged emails, but even that has stopped. Very depressing. For those of you who wonder why birthparents don't search, it's because it was heart breaking enough to give up a child, but then to relive it all again because of rejection is almost too much to deal with. I wish I had an uplifting story to tell you, but I think I have tried to do the right thing, from adoption to reunion, but seem to have messed up again, and now the price is even higher. I hope those of you who search have a MUCH better experience.

[smccammond]

I'm so sorry. I am finding that it is rarely both sides that want to reunite at the same speed. I'm an adoptee and have found my first mom, but have yet to talk to her at all. I know that the fear of rejection is huge for her, but I wish she would at least give me a chance. As many people on this website have told me. Just give it time. The first couple of years are rough, hopefully it will get better.

Hugs,
Sommer

[hubertw3]

Thanks Sommer. I guess I was a bit naive. I read so many posting from adoptees, I assumed she would be excited to know. I'll give her all the time she needs...she has all my contact info and I have told her many times that she is 100% considered a child of our home, and can join us in whatever capacity she is comfortable. Not much to do from this point except wait with open arms...but I think I understand better now why some birthparents are scared to look...the pain of giving a child up was almost unbearable, and rejection, or even the perception of it, brings the pain back X2.

Curious...have you looked for your birthfather? Is that even a possibility?

[jrainbow]

I'm so sorry this is happening. It has to hurt a lot. Just a question - how old is she? I have 20 something kids who find it really hard to even connect with their dad and me - and they are bio. I have cut off the phone on my son twice because he doesn't use it to call me back and, as I told him, I assume he had lost it. They are dealing with "new, reunited" grandparents - a little farther away than bparents - but still, it isn't real in their lives. I imagine if they had a new bdad at this point in their lives it would be really difficult for them. They have so much going on in their "real" lives and any kind of parent really just gets in the way.

So just be patient. You have no idea what kind of peace you may have given her - just by being available. She just may need to process everything.

Peace and good luck,
Know that you did the right thing,
Jill

[jrainbow]

I finally found what I was looking for - I got this from a post from someone last year ... sorry I don't know who and the author was not identified. I will say that some of this rings true for me and some doesn't but I think it is all true in some ways.

Maybe this will help.
Again - Peace ... Jill



REUNION SOCIALIZATION (author not identified)

The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one doesn't speak the language or know the customs. Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food, clothes, mannerisms and social rules. The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.

Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing.These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to misunderstanding, hurt and confusion. Each person must learn to adapt to the other's-as well as their own perplexing, vacillating emotional changes. Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed format profoundly bonded teach other. We come together as "Familiar Strangers." Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions. Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has urvived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship. Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.

What happens Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?

Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth.

It is important to recognize that reunion is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon. Emotions are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us about ourselves and the presenting situation/relationship.

What happens when these worlds converge? One must learn to read between the lines. Be an observer of subtle clues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is. We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and lifestyle differences.

Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as:joy, sorrow, anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment. The person entering into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with some measure of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving acceptance but anticipating rejection. The seat of the power now shifts to the contacted party. The searcher now must transition from the fantasies that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.

Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the original issue of separation and loss (adoption). One thirsts to resolve unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full circle sustains what is often an arduous journey. The searcher's momentum increases as information is gathered. The emotional pressure to connect continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is toward the truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy defending the need to search.

The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m..p.h.. The person who is found and who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search is taken by surprise and does not have this momentum. When these two different energies meet an emotional collision occurs. The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air, for the wind has been knocked out of them. They need time to adjust and may have concerns about the meaning behind the contact There may be stress regarding the implications of meeting and forming this new relationship.

Each party is bewildered by the other's actions. Each has different needs. One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having support group exposure, while the other may not have even begun to contemplate adoption and reunion issues. Both parties have set their roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.

So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth. There is chaos and confusion. How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness, frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation simultaneously?

Our identities are challenged. We will NEVER be the same as we were before contact. Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships may impede the ability to enfold the other party. One's previous history of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize feelings, and capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to empathize and relate to one another. Perception about the adoption experience--shame/openness, conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption experience, issues of inadequacy-- all impact the manner in which the reunion may unfold. It is a process that often leaves those involved bewildered and exhausted.

Unanswered Questions...Possible Challenges

Who knows the story? Does the reality match one's previously held beliefs? Who sets the pace? What are the expectations? What are the family rules, social rules-- i.e. holidays, gifts, telephone calls, letters, e-mails? How does one sign off correspondence? Will previous relationships dissolve? How does each person identify the other? How does one handle social instructions? What type of relationship is desired: casual, nurturing. answers only, close? How much emotional support does each person have? Are we open and respectful and non-judgmental of each other's needs? Will either birth parent be hurt if there is communication with the other birth parent? Will the adopted person want to merge their dual family connections or keep them separate? Will the birth parent desire acceptance by the adoptive parents? Will the adoptive parents want to embrace the birth parent or request that the adopted person not discuss the reunion? Will the birth parent's family welcome the adopted person or will rivalries surface? Can we let go of the fantasy of the reunion for the reality of a real relationship with a real person, flaws and all? Does one try to bridge the two different worlds? Does one become emotionally exhausted trying to travel through these worlds eparately? What happens if well-intended or misguided family, significant others, or friends attempt to steer the relationship? What about "genetic attraction"? Has the birth mother/father shared the existence of their child with family? Has the adopted person shared the search and contact with her/his adoptive parents? Does anyone have to "lead a double life" by keeping this reunion separate from other primary relationship! How does one deal with still being "a secret"? How do life changing events (i.e. marriage, divorce, childbirth, death) impact one's ability to incorporate this new relationship? How do physical or emotional health problems influence reunion?

Possible Phases of Post Reunion Relationships

* "Falling In Love" This is similar to a dating experience, when everything is running smoothly, energy is high, similarities are highlighted. Each party puts out a lot of effort, there can be a lot of sharing pictures, stories, exchanging gifts. Each party is open to accommodating the other's needs.

* "Pull Back Phase" The momentum of the relationship changes as one or both individuals may step back; one or both individuals may become confused, angry, frustrated, nervous, depressed. Problems may develop because of mixed messages or misread signals.

* "Establishing Boundaries" The relationship may be reassessed,. There may be need for ground rules. Both parties fear rejection by the other. One or both parties may be involved in a push-pull relationship driven by the need to connect, but governed by the fear of becoming too close (only to lose the person again).

* "The Relationship Dwindles" One or both parties shut off communication. This may bring excruciating pain to one or both individuals. This may occur because one--or neither-- party is flexible or because
pressure from the other primary relationships have created too much
anxiety.

* "Acceptance of the Relationship" Both parties are willing to commit to the relationship, issues still need to be resolved, reality overrides fantasy and unmet expectations, each party is willing to grow.

Reunion Survival Recommendations

* The other person cannot heal you! Reunion is a healing process that takes time, patience and a lot of effort.

* The reactions you see, hear, and experience can say a great deal about the other person's level of development, emotional makeup and coping skills. These reactions ARE NOT about you. Try not to take them personally.

* Develop and seek emotional support OUTSIDE of ANY primary relationship. It is very difficult to receive objective advice from persons who have specific role expectations of you.

* Each person has her/his own pace.... Respect the differences.

* There is no right or wrong way you must recognize and follow the cues.

* Seek out other adoptees or birth parents impressions when you get stuck.

* All relationships evolve over time.... Your Reunion Mantra should be "We have the rest of our lives to resolve this."

* Remember "E=mc2": for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you push too hard the other party will resist with equal strength.

* Flexibility is the key.

* Honor your psyche's need to grieve, seek appropriate therapy with someone who is familiar with post adoption/reunion issues,
or educate your therapist if you are comfortable with her/him.

* Don't panic ... take deep breaths.

* Don't act impulsively or out of fear or anger.... Most of us unintentionally hurt each other when coming from this place.
* Remember your reunion mantra.

* Get reality checks from a trusted confidant.

* Don't stifle your feelings! That's what you've done for years and that's when we snap and say or do things we usually later regret.

* Perhaps try your feelings out with several people who are
experienced with these issues first

* Let go; let the flow take its natural course...

* It's natural to grieve losses; honor your passage.

* Please remember..."REUNION CAN BE BOTH DIFFICULT AND ECSTATIC AT THE SAME TIME. BRACE OURSELF FOR A FLOOD OF EMOTIONS. TRY TO ENJOY THE JOURNEY SELF- DISCOVERY AND HEALING. "WE HAVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO RESOLVE THIS."

Few reunions run smoothly during the early stages ... let's face it, even mothers with kids they raised can't say that everything runs smoothly all the time.

I fear that many of you who believe your Reunion is "over" are jumping the gun. Most of us older birth mothers who relinquished our child during the post 1980s stumbled on that pothole when WE reunited. There shouldn't be disappointing reunions in this day and age. We have Support Resources that are boundless--IF, that is, we take the time and have the patience to make use of the support material. We really need to understand the complexities of reunion before we plunge into it.

Forums and Chats offer wonderful support--providing an opportunity to hear about other reunions and get opinions and suggestions from a mixed spectrum of birth moms and adoptees. But Forums and Chats can't replace a good therapist schooled in Adoption issues ... nor can Forums and Chats replace the treasure trove of articles, personal experience stories and books written by people who have managed to get through the swampland of reunion almost in one piece.

Believe me, we all have some sort of problem during our reunion; those who say they don't or haven't are living in fantasy land.

birth mothers carry a lot of guilt baggage and our healing takes a long, long time. Some of us got stuck in the Pity Pit and our ANGER at society, the system, etc. seems to spill out to absorb everyone close to us--children, parents, families and even friends. Sometimes we are misunderstood by our birthdaughter/son, and everything seems to fall apart. We need to step out of ourselves and step into our bdaughter's/son's shoes and try to understand THEIR feelings and THEIR issues.

They, in turn, need to try to understand what we are feeling and exercise some patience with us.

Reunion forces the birth parent to open doors we closed years ago, and makes us look back and relive those awful days before and after relinquishment. We should look at that as a way of finding closure. Absorb it, take the knocks, and bury that baggage once and for all time. Don't let your anger over past events you cannot change destroy your reunion and your future.

Yes, it hurts to look back-- AND it will always ache a bit, no matter how good or how happy the reunion. Even families not touched by adoption have those moments. We need to browbeat ourselves into discarding the past, and turn our attention to the future years with our adult birthdaughter/son, or birth parent

There's no place for anger in our relationship. We have no right to put a guilt trip on ANYONE. We need to devote our time to building a good relationship and loving, loving, loving...
Develop Patience! If anyone has ever been short on patience, believe me, IT’S ME! Throughout my life I've prayed for the gift of patience. It wasn’t until I reached my late 50s and embarked on the journey through Reunion and Recovery that I actually began to develop that gift. With the help of professional therapy supported by my activity moderating A Chat and Forum on Adoption websites I finally began to develop that wonderful gift. Oh, yes! I DO lose it now and then, but if I can put aside negative thoughts and feelings, ANYONE CAN!

Patience, however, is only ONE of many virtues we have to develop before we can honestly feel comfortable with our adult birthdaughter/son or our birth parent-- and the relationship we hope to share in future years.

Step lightly! Most of us come on much too strong in the beginning of a reunion. Sometimes we overpower the object of our love. We have to learn to slow down and let the reunion unfold as it is meant to unfold. Tell your story honestly, ONCE. Don't keep reminding the other of past pain, lonliness, rejections, hurts, etc.

During the early months (sometimes years) of reunion we struggle to present ourselves as the person we think the OTHER is looking for--we are constantly walking on eggs. We have such an obsessive fear of rejection that we sometimes INVITE rejection. When we begin to feel comfortable and it looks like the Reunion is "for real", we begin to suspect our own "worthiness to be loved" and attempt to sabotage that oh-so-long-desired relationship with our birthdaughter/son, or our birth parent. That seems to be a part of the load of guilt and remorse we birth parents have dragged with us throughout the years of separation. It is difficult to rid ourselves of all those burdens., but it CAN be accomplished.

We have to learn to care about OURSELVES -- and after all that self-imposed penance we've subjected ourselves to, that, too, is a very difficult task.

I almost destroyed my reunion during its infantcy because I was immersed in fantasies about what my daughter was looking for in a birth mother. I got a hard case of the jitters over the least little thing: the wrong word, a look! I seemed to be testing my daughter's affection for me because of a driving need for her to understand and to love me. I was so centered on myself and my issues that I forgot to consider HER issues and HER feelings. I didn't realize that she already DID understand, and she DID love me.

I not only wore myself out, I also wore out my patient daughter and her husband.

How many of us have that experience?

During those early years I just couldn't shake the feeling of being threatened by her parents (that goes along with the feelings of unworthiness). At the same time, I was wishing they had adopted ME with her....I battled jealousy everytime I watched a warm exchange between Susan and her parents and even resented hearing happy memories of her growing up years. I was seeing again what I had missed all those years. It hurt when I heard her refer to them as "Mom and Dad." I shed oceans of tears during those early months. (Don't we all?)

Today you and I have the benefit of wonderful books and articles, Forums and Chats to guide us through the rough times.It wasn't always that way. My generation of birth mothers weren't even offered counseling at the time of relinquishment. In most cases, because of the badge of secrecy, there was no one we could confide in; no one truly understood our intense pain. We had no one to help prepare us for Reunion and to warn us of the pitfalls we will discover. I think if I could have read about Adoptees and their issues, things may have been easier for me. Instead, I lived with life-long fantasies and because there was no one to explain that what's done, is DONE, I played it by ear, and I made just about every mistake one can make during the raw days of my reunion.

We must learn to understand that we CANNOT go back and change what was done decades ago! We cannot expect our birth parent or birthson/daughter to heal our wounds and accept us as Momma or Daddy! We have to resolve to finally do what they cautioned us to do the day we signed the relinquishment papers --"put the past behind you and go on with your life." Reunion is time to move on, time to create a special relationship with our reunited kin--a special bond with one another that was started at conception.

Today we have the opportunity to prepare for reunion before it happens. By making use of the unique support system now available to us we can build an understanding that will help create an opportunity for life-long connection.

Even those who think their reunion is OVER can find help to enable them to find ways to mend a broken reunion after the fact. It will take a lot of time, self examination, self-discipline, honesty, patience and determination, but it can be done in most cases.

The wall of secrecy and shame is tumbling down. Society has reached the stage where it is much more understanding and compassionate. And those of us who have "been there, done that" are here to help. br>
SOME STEPS YOU CAN TAKE

I suggest that you make use of the archives of articles from ADOPTION WEEK emagazine and the stories you'll find in the Adoption Library. I have also set up a special page of Links to other articles you might find helpful; check the Index on the Carol's Place home page

In addition to all that reading, I urge you to read books like THE ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE, by Bailey & Giddens. Adoptee Karen DeLuca is also introducing a new Search book sometime in late Fall. Check out the announcements in Carol's Place "Newsletter."

You will find a surprising collection of tips on what to AVOID doing, as well as what TO do in books like ADOPTION WISDOM, by Marlou Russell; BIRTHBOND; THE ADOPTION READER; THE SAME SMILE. Books like ADOPTION WISDOM and THE ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE, by Bailey & Giddens are useful over and over again as we bump against issues we don't know how to resolve. One can just scan the pages for relevant answers and advice. They are perfect "bedside books."

[hubertw3]

Wow...what a great article! Patience has never been one of my virtues....I need to make it one in this case. Thank you very much for posting this. She is 19. I waited until she was out of high school until making contact. She was easy to find, but her adopted parents were not...they do a good job of hiding their contact info. She started off very enthusiastic, but it's been 6 weeks since I've gotten an email from her. I've emailed her 4 times since, but nothing back. She has sisters from my current wife (her mother and I were married...long story but I was in the army overseas when she left me and I had no way to support my daughter alone). Giving her up was the most painful experience of my life. The reunion is turning out to be almost as painful, because I don't know what she is thinking or going through. She may simply not have time, or it could be more than that. She may be struggling with the idea that it is me, her father, that sought her out rather than her mother. I never even understood why her mother left...so that wound is reopened to some degree too. It's the "not knowing" that will drive a person mad. I need to tell her sisters about her at some point, and that adds complication to the whole thing. It's a mess. I can't help but feel I've made wrong turns since the day I signed that hideous adoption paper, and it's not getting any better. The article helps, as does this forum. Thank so much for the response. I'll post as things change...hopefully for the better.

[mlassi]

Hubert, sorry you are going through this. My bmom has quit communicating with me so I understand how painful it is. I do have a good relationship with my bdad.

[JustPeachy]

Hubert, it sounds like some pullback is going on, and also, being 19, she is likely more focused right now on living her life, school, friends, dating, etc. All my friends who have bio kids in their teens and 20s complain they don't hear from them either! I would take a step back and just try to be patient. I know it's hard, but really what else can you do?

[Lillyanya]

I just got in reunion with my Bmom on June 12, 2008. It hasn't been long, but it's still so surreal for me. I keep forgetting to call her because I'm not used to it yet, and I don't feel I will be for quite some time.

Hopefully, she will contact you soon. You might want to do as Peachy said and just take a step back. Don't e-mail her. Hope she comes to you. I would say e-mail once a month just to give a general update or something.

I personally would send an e-mail saying sorry I haven't heard from you lately. I don't want to push this on you, so I just wanted to let you know incase you don't get e-mails. Please please e-mail me when you're ready. Something to that effect. I'm not saying do this because you have to do what works for you. This is just probably what I personally would do if my bmom stopped talking to me suddenly.

[Jackiejdajda]

hubertw3

Wow...what a great article! Patience has never been one of my virtues....I need to make it one in this case.

I like the part that says we have the rest of our lives to sort this.. We do not need to hurry.. and nothing needs to be resolved tomorrow.. or today..

Thank you very much for posting this. She is 19. I waited until she was out of high school until making contact. She was easy to find, but her adopted parents were not...they do a good job of hiding their contact info. She started off very enthusiastic, but it's been 6 weeks since I've gotten an email from her.

If the adoptive parents are not happy with the reunion then maybe she is in conflict with her feelings or her ability to write openly to you..
She may not know what to do and is just not doing anything..

I've emailed her 4 times since, but nothing back. She has sisters from my current wife (her mother and I were married...long story but I was in the army overseas when she left me and I had no way to support my daughter alone). Giving her up was the most painful experience of my life.

That must have been painful.. my goodness..
Dealing with this may be the task at hand while waiting for your daughter to catch up..

I know when birthparents go into reunion all the emotions long buried come to the surface..

I have a theory that this happens because we did not grieve the loss or deal with (through therapy etc) the emotions that were beyond difficult to deal with at the time of the relinquishment.. The signing of that piece of paper..

When we don't talk about the bad things that happened in our lives we do not get any outside input..

The reunion is turning out to be almost as painful, because I don't know what she is thinking or going through. She may simply not have time, or it could be more than that. She may be struggling with the idea that it is me, her father, that sought her out rather than her mother. I never even understood why her mother left...so that wound is reopened to some degree too.

I believe its best to sort what needs to be sorted.. First things first..

It's the "not knowing" that will drive a person mad. I need to tell her sisters about her at some point, and that adds complication to the whole thing.

As that reunion solization quote says.. you got the rest of your life to sort this..
Telling your kids is a part of it.. I told my kids and it was not that hard.. they accepted it.. heck my daughter and I became more intimate and she was able to tell me things when she was a teen because she knew I was not perfect.. None of us are perfect..

We sometimes do not make perfect decisions..
But IMO making sure your daughter had a good home was a good decision.. I did the same when I relinquished my son.. I made sure he was well cared for.. something I could not do at that time in my life..

It's a mess. I can't help but feel I've made wrong turns since the day I signed that hideous adoption paper, and it's not getting any better.

We do the best we can.. we make decisions based on what is in front of us..
Your daughter is maybe just having trouble adjusting.. or sorting things with her aparents.. That is growing stuff.. not the big picture..

Jackie

[Jo Ellen]

hubertw3

I am an adoptee and have been reunited 2 1/2 years with both my birth mom and birth dad. Things have been different for me in that my birth parents have been married 40 years so it has made spending time with them easier although the struggles of the reunion have still been there. As for time yes time is a big factor in a sucessful reunion but also even though you know your daughter has your information for contact you don't have to wait for her through this all. She may be wanting to hear from you. It is what I call gentle nudges. I have heard it said so many times that it isn't rejection that happens in reunion but the fear comes out in all of us. For me it has been the worry that I have pushed our reunion too fast and at times I have but we have worked through that and are at a steady pace now. It is okay for you to continue to send your daughter emails. Let her know you are here for her when ever she is ready. Let her know you love her and want her in your life. So much of this goes both ways but again it is the fear we have of stepping on toes that sometimes keeps us from saying what we want to say to the other person. This advice is just that..... my advice from seeing how things have been for me through the relationship I am continuing to build with my birth parents. I will say this too it has been easier for me with my bmom than it has with my bdad as far as communicating my feelings about all that has happened but I am now to the point I am ready to share more of this with my bdad and now understand how best to go about talking with him about it. I know it is hard to hear give it more time but that really is the big factor here. I wish you the best with your daughter and hope someday you will have the relationship you so much wish to have with her.

[hubertw3]

She basically told me that she's really busy, and isn't in a place in her life to meet me or her sisters. Soooo....again, for those of you who wonder why birthparents don't look....this is why.

for Birthparents....I suggest using an agency...don't contact your child directly. It hurts worse to lose them the second time.

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmom who is not in reunion, what you are experiencing is exactly what I do not want to endure. I understand what you are saying about the pain, the pain of giving her up for adoption was so deep that I didnt have children for another 10 years, and then I still was afraid. I have made the decision though that I will find her, and will accept whatever is presented to me. I cringe at the thought that I will find a young woman who hates me for "giving" her up, because I have hated myself for the same reason. When does the pain end (sigh).

[amyfk]

Dear Hubertw3,

I normally dont come on this board specifically but I saw your posting. ((((HUGS)))) to you after the difficult time with your birthdaughter. I can understand how it can hurt after you have been so interested and available to her.
Just remember that life is dynamic. You never know. Just because she isnt in a place to get together now, doesnt mean she won't be months/years down the road. I do feel for you though. Take care of yourself and try to keep yourself busy while dealing with the news you received.
Amy K, NJ

[Jackiejdajda]

hubertw3

She basically told me that she's really busy, and isn't in a place in her life to meet me or her sisters. Soooo....again, for those of you who wonder why birthparents don't look....this is why.

for Birthparents....I suggest using an agency...don't contact your child directly. It hurts worse to lose them the second time.

All is not lost.. It’s a process.. it takes time..

I am so sorry for your pain.. I know that pain.. it’s a terrible thing to go through..


Jackie