[Aelexa]

I've posted on here before, but it's been some time. I contacted my birth mother & was given the brush off. "It was a difficult time for me" that's her response to who am I...and "what do you want?" was another one she gave. UM, let's see...where do I begin!!?? Anyway she asked me not to call her & asked that I don't contact her father either. That would be MY biological grandpa. He told me he can't contact me out of respect for her wishes, but he didn't say he wouldn't talk to me if I called....

So. That was over a year ago. I haven't called. I've ended a 2 year relationship, driven to Tennessee (chickened out on going to grandpa's house...well, I drove BY it, but didn't stop...that was a completely unreal experience!), thought about it & thought about it, but haven't called since then. I sent him a huge envelope with a TON of stamps on it to send me pictures of my bmom or grandma (who's deceased), and never heard anything back. I sent him some pictures and he assured me I look like that side of the family. What he said was, "I can definitely see the resemblance to Annette (my bmom's name) and her mother. They were both beauties!" (Not sure what to make of that really...) Anyway, I'm scared to call him.

Fear sucks. What if he's dead? What do I say if he isn't!? And if something has happened, what then? Do I call the uncle who doesn't even know I exist? I have his name & number too...and I have the paperwork that proves I am related. But my grandpa said him and my bmom are the only two people in their family that know I'm alive!

He also told me I have a half-brother & half-sister on bmom's side. They are in their 20s (I'm 39) and are named Sara (sp?) and Grant. I can only guess they live in Tennesee. I'm sure Sara does, since the only time I actually talked to Annette she told me she was babysitting her grandkids. I almost screamed, "what about MINE!? You have a beautiful granddaughter here too!"

Feelings suck sometimes. It's no wonder I can't stay in a committed relationship longer than a couple of years. I've NEVER been happy in a relationship - normally it's after the fact...I'll quit.

Any suggestions are appreciated (again)!

[Jackiejdajda]

I am so sorry this is happening..

I was thinking while reading your post that maybe your birthmom is maturing.. is changing..
If you are 39 then she is around 55 to 60..or to 65..
I know I changed in those years..

How about sending her a card or something.. just saying hello and wondering if she wanted any info..etc.

Jackie

[Dickons]

I struggle to understand how talking to another individual is such a big deal because in reality that is all it is. We meet people every day and survive. I talk to people in line ups at the store, at the gym, even just walking down my street, that is how you make friends and then build relationships.

I really struggle with why it is so difficult to take a chance to meet and perhaps get to know someone that you are biologically related too? Chances are that you will have things in common...the apple seldom falls far from the tree. And if there is nothing in common then there will not be a relationship.

I would reach out again to your grandfather. I also believe you have every right to reach out to your siblings because they are YOUR siblings.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[snuffie]

It sounds as though your grandfather thinks you are beautiful just like your mom and grandmother. I think I would reach out to him too. He is an adult and as such can make his own decisions.

I agree that your bmom may be "changing". I know from talking with other bmoms it is very hard for them to revisit a time in their lives that was very stressful. But on the other hand we did not have a choice in the circumstance of our birth either.

I think some bmoms are afraid that things will not go well with their other children if we show up. But if they are old enough to understand and make their own choice I don't know what we or they are being "protected" from.

I think it would be fine to send a card to your bmom and explain why you would like to meet with her. I think I would try to contact her again before I would make contact with your uncle.

Please keep us posted.

Snuffie

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by Dickons

I struggle to understand how talking to another individual is such a big deal because in reality that is all it is. We meet people every day and survive. I talk to people in line ups at the store, at the gym, even just walking down my street, that is how you make friends and then build relationships.

I really struggle with why it is so difficult to take a chance to meet and perhaps get to know someone that you are biologically related too? Chances are that you will have things in common...the apple seldom falls far from the tree. And if there is nothing in common then there will not be a relationship.

I would reach out again to your grandfather. I also believe you have every right to reach out to your siblings because they are YOUR siblings.

Kind regards,
Dickons

I personally have the same problem and it's obviously a person to person thing but I find it very difficult to pick the phone up and call my biological mom. Biological or not there are many fears. I can small talk the guy in line at the UPS store, but I'm talking to someone a lot more important than that person in line at the UPS store and I struggle with what to say, ask, how to not offend.

Not to mention the whole flood gate of emotions that I know is going to open and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that.

[Dickons]

Your right curiosity kitten, it is a person to person thing. It is scary but to be stuck in the same position of being scared to try, is in my opinion worse because time is the enemy.

I was scared to search for fear of rejection. I waited patiently with my name on any register I could find. I waited, and waited and no one ever searched for me. After a life theatening event I realized I had to find them and warn them. I was too late to meet my mother, bad timing with my half siblings being told about me, so terrible disappointment, hurt, many tears later, I am still glad I searched. I should have searched earlier but I let my own fear of rejection keep me from it.

FEAR: False expectations appearing real. I wish I had been wise enough when I was younger to conquer my fear. It took a major medical event to break through my fear and I was too late.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[valleysally]

Hi Dickon, ......boy you said a mouthful !!! I haven't posted here for several months, as I found out thaqt my bson is absolutely flat out hostile to meeting me or even talking about me....he doesn't even want to acknowledge that I exist....he wants to think of himself as the son of D and S and that's all...he is now 26, and as I was not a kid, (I will be 58 in July ) when I had him I am hoping that he does some growing up soon...
But the reason i am jumping in here is that I couldn't agree more with you....what is the BFD ? as we used to say many years ago....I am not out to hurt anyone, and I have maintained contact with his amom on and off over the years...(if things were tough for me, I would be less inclined to write or call, didn't want to whine) and it was an open adoption....but I got no consueling, I just knew that it was the right thing to do...

I have a very hard time trying to understand what on earth kind of reason he could have to not want to talk to me....I am a very nice person,....I was a rock and roll photographer, and that's what he does now, there's something we have in common right there....(he's good too) I don't want to take anything from him....or his Aparents...just add to the love that exists.

and he has been in a deep depression lasting more than a year, and includes at least one suicide attempt, how can you possibly come to terms with who you are if you deny the truth of where you come from....your stability is based on quicksand that way....the actual truth is that he is my son, I gave birth to him....I may not have parented him, but he wouldn't exist without me.

I just don't get what the big deal is....you'd think I was a monster the way he reacts to the idea of me....

Sally

[dpen6]

Sally,

I am sorry your bson is having such a tough time. I really think that sometimes males have a tougher time with adopti0on then females. The feelings are so deep that they are unable to go there. He may not even recognize what it is he is feeling. I don't think it has anything to do with just"growing up"...people who need to just gain maturity don't attempt suicide. There is much more going on there and it may or may not have to do with adoption. To him it is a BFD and that needs to be appreciated. Just as sometimes adoptees are a symbol of bmom's pain and some bmoms are unable to meet because of the fear of confronting that pain, the same can be said for some adoptees...the fact that he is attempting to hurt himself tells me his pain is horribley inward and it may not be you personaly but the symbol of his adoption...or not...it may have the geneitic predisposition somewhere of a major mental illiness and it could be that he is fighting more then anything.

I do feel bad for him in that he is suffering so, and the fact you do have something in common that he could benifit by. I feel very sad for him.

[Dickons]

Sally,

You are in the same boat as I am and it hurts plain and simple. I watched a video from a brain scientist describing the stroke she had and it helped me in a strange way...long story short...when the left side of her brain was shut down from her stroke she was able to feel other peoples pain from her right brain, their realities without the prejudices and fears her life events had colored for her to see through. Really tough to explain but people can only see their own reality unless they are truly ready to strip away all their pre-conceived judgements. I had a stroke on my left side and I changed...life was not all about me afterwards and one of my long term coworkers told me I had a different aura than before.

A man of 26 years probably does not have enough life experiences to mellow any childhood issues he may have gone through...give him time...keep the door open...keep in contact with his other mom.

If you are interested in seeing the video here is the link. http://www.boingboing.net/2008/03/12/how-a-neuroanatomist.html

Better days ahead!
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

valleysally

I just don't get what the big deal is....you'd think I was a monster the way he reacts to the idea of me....

We do our best.. all we can do..

My daughter has dated male adoptees.. and I want to love them no matter what.. and she will tell me.. "Mom he treated me horrible"..

I do not know what the answer is..

Jackie

[spots101x]

What a beautiful name you have, Aelexa. The sentiments you’ve expressed here have touched me deeply. I wish I had the magic words to help you through this, but I probably don't. We’re coming at the same source of pain from two very different angles. The only thing I can tell myself these days is “Be patient and know that it will always work out the way it’s suppose to work out, even if that is not how I want it to work out.” Here’s why I’ve had to choose that mantra.

I'm a bmom who had her son identified and located after 34 years. A month after I made contact with my son, he sent a letter saying he was healthy and happy with his family; that he had not thought of me since he was 18 when he chose not to find me or his birth father. But he had no objection to our getting to know one another if I would let him take "baby steps" and communicate only through email. Of course, I agreed and even decided to keep it private between us (not discussing the process with friends or what little family I have.) during the initial process He was curious why I had waited so long to find him if I had the same ability he had decades ago. I responded with an email immediately to correct the misconception with the highlights of how I had been able to bring myself to tell my few close friends that I had even given birth when I was 16 back in 1973. I certainly never shared with most of those few the resulting pain, mostly inflicted during my stay at The Edna Gladney Home in Ft. Worth, TX. And I told him that if it were up to the State of Texas and Gladney, I would have never found him, dead or alive. I gave him the highlights of how I couldn't try to find him until both of my parents were deceased (…and I turned 50 without ever having had a husband or another child) and a public outing by the local newspaper which mentioned an unnamed teen pregnancy on my small street of only twelve houses. (FYI – I assumed everyone knew that I was the person they were referring to, but I was NOT.)

I got a fast and prompt reply via email thanking me for the "letter" and promising to write more soon, when things settled down there for him. I never got a reply. Two months later as Mother's Day approached, I sent him an email wishing, him, his mother, and his entire family a very happy Mother's Day and confiding in him that, without a doubt, this was truly my happiest Mother's Day EVER just because I finally knew that he was alive and healthy. Mother's Day was a month ago and I have not heard a word from him.

As you did, I have only thought of going to the city in a nearby state just to see the area he grew up in. However, I don't trust myself not to intrude upon his life. But what if I die not ever knowing what my son looks like? Worse yet, what if he dies without my ever knowing the man that he became? What has happened to make him shut me out? Do I not at least deserve a few scraps of information for the 35 years since he was conceived and I knew that they would not allow me into his life, let alone even know if he was alive and healthy, or NOT!

There's no doubt in my mind; the frustrations, anxiety and confusion dealt to both you - as an adult who was adopted at/near birth, and me - as the jilted birth mother, are very different. Yet I think it is also true that we both suffer the affects of the secrecy and lies imposed on a unwed mother (be she a teen or not) and her natural-born child by society and/or the many corrupt adoption agencies/ representatives that have flourished for a great many years now. And it saddens me that this pain may never end for either of us in our lifetimes, nor for all those like us, until adults adopted at/near birth and the mothers stripped of their children demand that these atrocities stop NOW and, just as importantly, that full satisfaction is given to every one still alive that has been harmed by these crimes of prejudice and opportunity.

That, my friend, is why I protested for over 13 hours one weekend (mostly alone) when Gladney had their 120th anniversary of baby-snatching in March 2008. That's why I protested outside of WFAA (Channel 8, Dallas TX) when they sold out the public airwaves to Gladney's efforts to spread their propaganda about adoption. And it's why I hope to come up with the money to attend the Adoptee's Rights Demonstration in New Orleans on July 22, 2008. Until the public hears our cries, we don't stand a chance of living the full life that we've been so graciously given. I hope other birth-family members and adults who were adopted prior to their recollection of this life with their new families will join me so that we can really give society and corrupt agencies/agents a long overdue wake-up call. Please join me if you can to make our combined voices resonate across this entire country.

And I will not stop making whatever small contribution I can to this cause until the day that I meet my maker with the assurance that I did the best I could for me, my family and all those touched by my son’s life’ that I have fought the good fight against this type of injustice. Someone famous once said: Want peace? Fight for justice. I will fight this with the last breath I take.

If I had just one piece of sage advise for you, it would be to read “The Girls Who Went Away” to help you understand some of the possible reasons for your mother’s attitude. It certainly helps me to read stories of adults who were adopted at/near birth in trying to comprehend what my son might be going through. That, and keep on fighting for justice.

[dpen6]

spots101x,

very nice post. I hope you find out what your bson looks like soon. No two eople feel completly the same about their indivual situations but to know that one or the other is willing to listen without expecatations or judgments is very freeing for everyone invovled.

I don't know, but I suspect your son may have run scared, not scared of you, but afraid of the emotions that may have welled up upon you finding him. I know you did nothing wrong based upon your post.

Good luck

[FAYE56]

Aelexa

I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions - actually I'm hoping maybe suggestions for you could help me too

I contacted my Birthmother 20 months ago. I sent a letter first, while waiting for a response from the letter I found the Aunt she stayed with here in NJ in 1956. I've also always been able to contact my half-sister (5 years younger than myself) she's a PHD in Oklahoma Baptist University - but haven't.

My Great Aunt had to reach out to Her because I was getting ready to contact my sister. She called one day and sounded like she cared when I started talking but by the end of the conversation "REJECTION" - don't call her, she won't call me but she will pray for me.

I've sent a Christmas card twice - I sent a letter with a prepaid postcard so she could send me the name of my birthfather - got the postcard back it was typed "whatever you were told is untrue" whatever that means - my non-id tied into a very public "familytree" perfectly - so why lie about the circumstances - I reached out to her brother (my Uncle) he ignored me for about 7 months than one day out of the blue he calls and tells me he wants to be in touch with me (gave me his cell #, personal e-mail....)but we can't let his sister know because she's all he has - I said fine to that. Never to hear from him again

My Great Aunt claims it is Her husband who's pulling the strings there. I've read the Girls That Went Away - I understood most of what was in that book before I ever read it but..............it's 50+ years later. Heck "Their" only Grandson was born 1 month after my half-brother married the mother. Times have changed drastically since 1956.

I'm at a loss as to how to proceed with Her now. I've posted all over the place looking for someone who may have known her back in 1955-1956, my husband and I traveled to Roswell and went through Engagement/Wedding announcments looking for anyone who fit the story in my non-id and I sent letters to about 12-15 men asking if they knew her (I received a few responses - but not Him) I spoke with people she worked with - did you know if you were married and pregnant back then that the Telephone Co in NM would hold your job but if you were an unwed mother you were fired.

I keep waiting for "Her" to call with a change of heart. I'm reaching the point where I'm resigning myself to never having a relationship with her (but apparently I need her to get my birthfathers name) and want to reach out to my half-sister.


I'm in the same boat as you..........What to Do?

[Jackiejdajda]

We got the rest of our lives to sort this.. And I think we can get on with our lives and keep the door open at all costs..

I can remember thinking.. I get to have a life here.. Yes all these terrible things happened to me.. and yes my life has been hard because I am separated from my first born son.. but I still get to have a life and I do not need to keep the obsession going..

Hard thing to break tho..




spots101x

I'm a bmom who had her son identified and located after 34 years. A month after I made contact with my son, he sent a letter saying he was healthy and happy with his family; that he had not thought of me since he was 18 when he chose not to find me or his birth father.

Welcome to the forums I am glad you are here... I think/believe/know you could add a lot to the conversations.

Jackie

[MixedBliss]

Originally Posted by Aelexa

... That would be MY biological grandpa. He told me he can't contact me out of respect for her wishes, but he didn't say he wouldn't talk to me if I called....

I am so sorry that you're going through this!

Fear of rejection is really awful..especially for those of us who have already had a big dose of it from a bfamily member. I completely understand!

Your bgrandpa, if he's still alive, could be of great help to you. Not only does he likely know some of the your bfamily medical information, he might have a chance to convince your bmom how important it is to know things like that - even if she's not inclined toward a full reunion at this time.

Like you said, he didn't say he wouldn't talk to you if you called. Worth a try, isn't it?