[Klippy]

I recently was able to contact my Bmother. I am 42 years old and decided that I would like to have more medical information on my birth family. When I started this search I thought I could possibly want a relationship with my birth family but I was not sure. I have talked to to my Bmother. I don't know how much information to share but I will begin my story. I was raised by a fine middle class family. I have one sister who is also adopted. I always have known I was adopted and it has never held any shame for me. I almost felt proud if you can believe that. In fact I am still proud. Once I was put in contact with my Bmother I must admit that I was alittle disappointed. I don't know what I expected but it was not what I got. She is married and has been for 40 years. She is a very kind woman over the phone but I can tell she not a very educated person and I do not hold that against her at all. She seems to have lead a very different lifestyle than I have. She has 3 sons. One is in prision (for what I do not know), one works in a mental health hospital (I do not know his position) and the other is currently running from the law. She lives about 75 miles from me in a very rural area. She suffered a stroke about 8 years ago and can no longer write or drive. When we talked I got answers to some questions but when I said I know it was a hard decision for you to give me up she basicly made no comment. She has called me several times lately and I have just avoided her calls. We do not have much to talk about and now she is pushing for me to meet her along with other members of her family. I am just not so sure this is what I want right now, if ever. I am just confused about my feelings at this point. I do not mean to sound like I think that I am better than her or her family in any way BUT I cannot tell you based on what she has told me how gratefully I am that I was adopted. I am responsible for my adopted father ( my adopted mother is deseased) who is recovering from major surgery but doing well, my adopted sister lives on the west coast and has uncurable breast cancer (she is only 39), I know I will be caring for my in-laws because my husband is an only child, and I have an aunt that I am very close to and an uncle that I am close to that are nearly 80 with no one to care for them. Plus I am the mother of 2 teenagers. I do not know what my Bmother would even expect from me but I have a very full family life with alot of responsiblity. I am not sure I am interested in being involved with another family and everything that comes with that. Especially knowing what I have learned about my birth family. Thanks for just taking time to read this and feel free to leave me any comments that you have.

[stinky_kitty]

If it was me I would want to meet her/them just because once they are dead you'll never get that opportunity, but that's just me.

I am lucky in that I have a great relationship with my first mom, and have had one for over 15 years. My bio-father's side however is a whole 'nother story. They remind me of your situation except that I can hardly get them to speak to me let alone meet me. Trying to get medical info from them alone was nearly impossible.

I'm fine with that and it doesn't bother me but if given the opportunity I would still probably meet them.

Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do!

[txrnr]

Tough call, but you don't have to do more than you are ready for, but please consider telling your birthmother that you aren't ready, or the phone calls are to much. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and I can understand why you wouldn't need any additional stress. Sometimes not knowing the other persons expectations puts stress on us that doesn't have to be there. Maybe a conversation about what you both want from the relationship?

Good luck! Situations like this is why the thought of reunion scares me. You seem to be handling it remarkably well.

[MixedBliss]

Originally Posted by Klippy

...She has called me several times lately and I have just avoided her calls. We do not have much to talk about and now she is pushing for me to meet her along with other members of her family. I am just not so sure this is what I want...

I'm so sorry to read about your sister.

Feeling "pushed" into a family reunion is awful. What if you were direct and honest and said "I'm just not comfortable with meeting everyone with so much else going on in my life right now."

Would you be any more comfortable if you were meeting only your birth mother and not the entire clan?

[dpen6]

klippy,

I understand your treditaion. I am thinking you are letting the status of her other children get in the way of what you want for your bmom.

I think if it were me I would take it very slowly. If you feel the need to meet, meet with her first.

Its scary to think that you were brought up to be a resposible citizen and your bfamily has a history of jail time!

Like someone else said, be honest with your bmom, tell her you may not be ready to meet anyone...let alone the whole clan.

My adoptive family was also of the staight and narrow type. Some of my bfamily is too, but at the time of my birth I think it ws very dysfunctional. I have seperated that from how I feel about my bmom. I am a true beleiver of the mindset that she really did the best she could with the tools that she had. She was not a bad person in anyway and did want to keep me. Something happened along the way that impacted her life so that she was unable to make the decsions needed to keep herself in a good way. I ~think~ she knew the best thing for me was to be placed, I know it and after hearing about the struggles she had I am even more convinced that it was the right thing. I respect her for what she was(she has died), I respect her for doing the best she could do and most of all I respect her for attempting to see my side of things..somewhat...

[Klippy]

It is very upsetting for me to think of these people that are basically criminals in my bfamily. My husband will support me whatever I decide to do but he does have concern about her child that is on the run from the law. I really do not want contact with her children.

dpen6 - I agree - I think she probably has done the best with the cards she was dealt. She said in my non identifying information that I was the result of a one time date and that my bfather forced her to have sex. The lady I dealt with at the Reunion Registry did find out that my bfather is dead and talked to one of his sisters. The sister had no clue about me. She said that she knew my birth mother and that as far as she knew her brother never even had a date with her. She is just very unsure that I am her brother's child. I do think that has bothered me somewhat, a feeling of rejection. She also went on to say that my bmother basically got around quite a bit.

I guess one thing is I really have nothing to talk about with my Bmother. The first phone call was interesting and I got some medical information from her (which I do feel is my right to try to get, not only for me but for my children) I really have tried to not hurt her feelings. I am just not real sure I want my children involved at all with this situation either. My bmother has not mentioned anything about meeting them but I just feel like she will push for this once she meets me. I am just very confused about this situation.

[jrainbow]

That is a lot to take in all at once. This is a case where nurture trumps nature, obviously.

I agree with others ... go slow and be honest and direct. If you don't want much contact right now, then tell her and tell her that you have a lot on your plate. If you don't want to meet or talk with any other family members at this time, tell her.

You do have a lot on your plate, and it sounds like she does too. This may be a case where sharing doesn't make the load lighter.

Good luck.

[austin0i]

Klippy,

I am an adult adoptee, in reunion for one year.

Here is my advice.

Meet your bio-mom. This may be the only opportunity to see her in your lifetime. I would meet her alone.

Also, when you meet, request that it is just her. Leave the siblings out of it. Right now, just meet your bio-mother and do not think about the siblings.

If I were you, I would not want contact with the sibs either, but I would not want this opportunity to see my bio-mom pass me by.

All the best

Kim

[Klippy]

One problem with just meeting my bmom is that I do not believe since her stroke she can drive so that means someone will have to bring her. She called about 5 weeks ago when we had company and I told her that I did have company and could not talk right then. Honestly with the summer and all of the things going on with my life I forgot to call her back. About 3 weeks ago she called and left me a new phone number to call her on. I wrote it down but I just have not called yet. I still do have many questions that I could like to ask but I am not sure that I can.

[JustPeachy]

One problem with just meeting my bmom is that I do not believe since her stroke she can drive so that means someone will have to bring her.

When and if you are ready to meet her, could you drive the 75 miles, pick her up, take her out to a restaurant in the area, and bring her back home??

What other family members does she want you to meet? Do they live with her? If the one bsib is in jail and the other running from the law, you won't have to worry about meeting them. The bsib who works at the mental health facility might be perfectly ok, but I can totally understand (and I think so could your bmom) that you would want to start slow and just have a 1 on 1 meeting with your bmom for now.

For me, I would be overwhelmed meeting a bunch of family right away and I believe strongly that reunions should proceed very slowly, just to avoid this sort of overwhelm. They are already enough of an emotional roller coaster and you do need time to take in the new information and process it before you can just plow ahead.

Could you call your bmom and tell her you need more time to sort through this, so at least she knows you are not completely blowing her off? There is nothing wrong with saying you aren't ready to go full-force into this. Maybe you'd rather not meet right now, but can have talks on the phone every so often or exchange letters/pictures. Are there adoption support groups in your area you could attend? I attend a triad support group with folks in various stages of search/reunion. It is very helpful to hear what others are going through and to also have the counselor there to help with these kinds of issues.

ETA: I just re-read your original post and you mention that your mom is also unable to write. So I guess with regard to letters, that wouldn't work on her end.

I also wanted to comment on the following:

I am responsible for my adopted father ( my adopted mother is deseased) who is recovering from major surgery but doing well, my adopted sister lives on the west coast and has uncurable breast cancer (she is only 39), I know I will be caring for my in-laws because my husband is an only child, and I have an aunt that I am very close to and an uncle that I am close to that are nearly 80 with no one to care for them. Plus I am the mother of 2 teenagers. I do not know what my Bmother would even expect from me but I have a very full family life with alot of responsiblity. I am not sure I am interested in being involved with another family and everything that comes with that. Especially knowing what I have learned about my birth family.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh or out of line, but when you decided to search, you had all of the above on your plate. You weren't sure, but thought it was possible to have a relationship with your bfamily. If your bmom and her family did have more in common with you, would all of your current responsibilities even be an issue? It just reads as though you are using your responsibilities, legitimate as they are, as an excuse for not wanting to proceed, when the fact is, you really don't feel you connect well with the bio family you found. There is nothing wrong with that, but I think it is important going into reunion to have as much clarity as possible on what our feelings, motivations and intentions are (and I apologize in advance if I am making assumptions with this in your situation). If you do want to continue to communicate with your bmom and possibly meet, I would figure out the boundaries you would be comfortable with, what exactly you would like, and communicate these things as clearly and directly as possible. You could also ask her directly what her expectations are, rather than playing a guessing game. If your bmom's expectations are out of line, or she wants more than you can give, you will simply have to tell her outright that you are not able to provide whatever it is she is expecting. But you will not know what her reaction will be (positive or negative) unless you approach her. She may be more than willing to respect the place where you are right now.

[dpen6]

I agree with what Just Peachy said. We all have to go into a reuinon with a good idea of what our expecations are. But i also think for an adoptee when contract is made the feelings become overwheming. I totally agreee that she should tell her mother that she is unsur4e on how to proceed from here. That is only fair, as much as I understand the avoidence of it. I know, when it was happening to me the feelings of confusion were so overwhelming that I really didn't know HOW to proceed. So I just ran....ran away from all of these unexpected feelings that I was having and only one person said to me that they understood and to proceed at my own pace. I really kinda felt pressured(and yes , I may have doen that to myself as opposed to others, but I was really worried about what others thought, and how my actions impacted others..so I just didnt act...heck I was still in my 20's) I also understand you reciting all your other resposbilities. Is there an intrinsic fear that you may have to care for your bmom also ? Based upon her own feelings of resposbility? Is the loyality thing kicking in? I have "my own" To take care of how the heck can I take care of anyone else? None of those feelings are wrong and you will work it out with time. But the key is to give yourself enough time to work it out without the added opinions of others.

[Klippy]

I know you are right about the fear of having to add to my responsibilities that I already have. I am scared of having to be responsible for her, especially since she is already have health issues.
As far as what I went into this thinking - I started this whole process at the urging of my doctor. He said with all of the information we have on diseases today and the role that genetics plays in that, he felt like if I could get more medical information then it would be a good thing not only for me but for my children. Perhaps if we did have more in common I would feel like I would want to pursue a relationship more. I am not saying that I will not pursue one but this is something I am having to consider. I will say that as an adopted person I feel I have the right to request medical information and not feel obligated in any other way.

She would like for me to meet all of her sisters and brothers along with their families and that is just not what I feel comfortable with now. And I am not comfortable going to pick her up. I think that meeting in a public place is a far better idea. This person is still basically a stranger to me.
I am still praying for wisdom on my situation. I know God will help provide me with the answers that I need and I appreciate all of the thoughts you all have shared.

[FullQuiverMamma]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I hope this doesn't sound harsh or out of line, but when you decided to search, you had all of the above on your plate. You weren't sure, but thought it was possible to have a relationship with your bfamily. If your bmom and her family did have more in common with you, would all of your current responsibilities even be an issue? It just reads as though you are using your responsibilities, legitimate as they are, as an excuse for not wanting to proceed, .

Perhaps she thought birthmom would be a blessing rather than a burden!!??

[bumblebeeskies]

In reading your post, I see a lot of what seems to be unintentional judgement. You stated that your birth mom is uneducated and that you don't hold that against her, but is it possible that you do and just don't realize it? I also think it's important to remember that she is not responsible for crimes that her children have gotten involved in. What exactly about her, disappointed you when you found her?

[Klippy]

I guess perhaps I am disappointed. But I will say once again my main concern was to get health information. I was very clear in my contact letter that I was not looking for a mother/daughter relationship. Maybe I am being judgmental. Even the lady that I dealt with at the reunion registry agreed that based on her conversations with me and her conversations with my birth mom, we did not have alot in common. I am trying not to hold her responsible for her sons but to have two that are in trouble with the law, that just scares me.
Maybe I did expect something different. But I still did not plan on an extremely close relationship no matter what. I would hope if I were a birth mother I would be glad to know my birth child was doing well and had a good life. (which is the reason alot of children are given up for adoption) It takes work to have relationships with anyone and I am in the situation now that I must decide if I am willing to put the effort into trying to develop a relationship

FullQuiverMamma - What you said is really what I am feeling. I am not so sure that developing a relationship would be a blessing. But I am not sure it would not. I am not interested in taking on a burden though. I know people that have met their bparent and the bparent just swoops into their live with the expectation that it will be a family relationship. And these people have brought all of their baggage with them and it did become a burden. Personally - I do not feel that I owe my bfamily anything and they owe me nothing, except for the medical information they provided.
I may sound like a cold person and perhaps an insensitive one but I am not. I am just trying to proceed with caution. I have a family (which is what my bmother wanted when she placed me for adoption) and I just to not want to invite problems in that will effect my children and husband. Again - I do not know if she will create problems for me or happiness.
I am just expressing what I feel. Right or wrong - this is the way I feel.