[Jennasmom1990]

Ok, I am going to try really hard to keep this as short as possible, but with the circumstances I can't promise anything.

I gave my daughter up for adoption in 1990, I had just turned 18 and was forcefully pushed into the choice I made. There were 4 people doing the pushing, my mom, the a mom, the adad, and their attorney. In the end though that is my signature on those papers, so I have spent the last 18 years of my life carrying a guilt and grief that I thought would literally strangle me at times. I have never been one to back down from something and still have no valid (or what I consider valid) reason for not standing up for myself and my daughter at that time. Anyway, to make a long story short instead of dealing with the pain, yearning, and deep seeded wanting, I placed it in Pandora's Box and firmly sealed the lid. My daughter has always been my Achellie's heel, and I am guessing she always will be.

On Easter Sunday this year she made that reunion call that would forever change my life. Now let me say this, when that call was made she was not yet 18, and actually she still isn't. She won't be 18 until May 1st, I can tell you that her amom & adad have since divorced and in my opinion neither one of them really seem to be there for her. Her life story is a totally seperate thread ( and I am not kidding, this would be a book if I went into all that in this thread). To make a long story short about the acouple they have no relationship between the two of them at all, they have both re-married and are completely wrapped up in thier new lives. But I must say this much, the amom did at least give my daughter the info to find me. Anyway, I got the call at exactly 1:47 PM Easter Sunday, and it knocked me off my feet. I don't think I will ever forget that Easter Sunday of 2008 was on March 23 and that my whole life flipped upside down at 1:47 PM on that that very day.

The amom made the call, but my daughter got on the phone almost right away. I was almost hysterical to hear her voice, and was so overwhelmed by emotions that of course I was crying. (But I am a cryer by nature anyway). My first question was tell me about yourself...she told me that she loves horses. That stunned me b/c I have a 15 year old daughter that I am raising that also loves horses. I will never forget that part of the convo, when she told me that I knew it was not a case of mistaken identity. So, we talked for a few minutes, and then I had to leave to go to Easter dinner. I asked her if I could call her later that night when things settled down a bit, she asked for my e-mail address so she could send me some pics right away. I was stunned to find out that she is literally a carbon copy of me.

Things to know...my daughter told me almost from day she wants a mother/daughter relationship with me (that she always has), she has called me Mom (on her own accord) since day one, the amom hates that she calls me Mom (amom doesn't feel like I have earned it and that I will never earn it), and my daughter keeps in very close communication with me. She calls several times a day, if she is not calling she is texting, or im-ing. I make sure that the majority of the talking we do is done while my other children are at school. I dont want any resentment from them. Also my daughter has really embraced the idea of having a half-sister, and 2 half-brothers. My boys are totally open to this she calls every night to tell them good-night, and they love talking to her. My other daughter is a bit more reserved but this affects her in a different way. I will not lie and say that she doesn't feel a bit threatened b/c she does. However all things considered she is doing very well accepting this new person into our family as her sister and as my daughter. All of this has been more than I would hve ever allowed myself to dream of. They are 15 (almost 16), 11, and 8...and to be honest I have been a stay-at-mom with them since they were born.

Things have been progressing very well between the two of us. I went to see her on April 14 for the first time and spent an amazing 2 and 1/2 days with her. I couldn't stay longer b/c I have since had 3 other children that are still somewhat young. I have never left them for more than just a 1 overnight. So for them this was huge as I was gone a total of 5 days. Oh, I forgot to tell you that my daughter still lives in Maryland which is where I was when I had her, in 2005 we moved to Illinois which is my home state. So there is 840 miles between my daughter and I.


The visit was wonderful, my dad went with me so that I would have some support (which I really needed). Things between my daughter and I went beautiful ( couldn't have dreamed for it to be any better), I introduced her to some of my family and friends that still live in Maryland and things went fantastic with them as well. I wish I could say the same about how things went with the amom. She is extremely threatened by me, despite the fact that I have had hours of convo with her to attempt to reassure her that I do not want to be in leui of her, but in addition to her. Anyway, the amom just wants me to go away (pretty much her exact words), she referred to me as being only the baby maker, and told me that I could never be the mother to J that she is. I just took the emotional beating and didn't really say anything. I again made that sacafrice for my daughter and only for my daughter. I do not want her to get caught in the cross fire, nor do I want her to be forced to chose between us. In my opinion my daughter can have the best of both worlds, if the amom would just take a step back and let this even out.

So, I am now sitting here wondering if I owe anything at all to the amom, although my daughter does not want us to have any type of relationship with eachother. Still, though she is a child, is she really capable of making that choice? Also, I know that the amom has been very reserved with my daughter since our visit and her little blow up, and that is hard for me to hear from her when I am almost 840 miles apart. I have since made a very conscous choice to not ask about how things are going with her and the amom, and I am not sure that is the right thing either. I want my daughter to know that she can talk to me, but how can I listen to such garbage and not give my advice/opinion? I guess I am just looking for some help and advice, I love my daughter and am kind of at a loss as to how to be there for her without destroying my relationship with her over things I might say about her amom in the heat of the moment. Can anyone please help, I am afraid in the end that this will cause great harm to my budding relationship with my daughter.

[Oceans]

I am now sitting here wondering if I owe anything at all to the amom,You owe her exactly what you owe everyone else walking on this planet which is initial respect. That said, if someone calls you a "baby maker" would you keep them in your life? My guess is no. So my opinion is that you should no longer have convos with the amom until she is willing to treat you with respect and dignity that YOU deserve.

although my daughter does not want us to have any type of relationship with eachother. Still, though she is a child, is she really capable of making that choice?She is 18 (almost) and my opinion is that yes, she has that choice and it should be respected.

Also, I know that the amom has been very reserved with my daughter since our visit and her little blow up, and that is hard for me to hear from her when I am almost 840 miles apart. I have since made a very conscous choice to not ask about how things are going with her and the amom, and I am not sure that is the right thing either.I think it's the right thing to do. It's their issue. They will work through it...

I want my daughter to know that she can talk to me, but how can I listen to such garbage and not give my advice/opinion?It's tough but you can't take sides just say something along the lines of I'm sorry this is happening. Nothing specific. They will "make up" this is a bump in their relationship.

I guess I am just looking for some help and advice, I love my daughter and am kind of at a loss as to how to be there for her without destroying my relationship with her over things I might say about her amom in the heat of the moment. You know it's hard but you have to remember that you are the adult. I think you are right on when you say that if you take sides it will end up hurting your relationship. It's OK for you to be upset but don't let it show. Maybe re-focus the conversations away from amom and talk more about her 1/2 sibs or school or something else...

((( Hugs ))) Hope this gets better!

[Jennasmom1990]

Thank you so very much, I guess in my heart I know what I need to do. But knowing and being able to are two totally seperate things. I just wish there was some kind of an easy answer for all of this. Some days I feel like her fit into our family is perfect and other days I wonder if we will ever get this right. I know it is very early in our journey, and I know we probably have a lot of uncharter terroitory to cross...I wouldn't want to ever go back to the moment before that call came in. She is worth all the heartache, and honestly I would do it all over again just to have a moment to spend with her.

[Oceans]

I think you are off to a great start... Hopefully others will have some suggestions as well...

[amollie]

I'm not sure what you owe the amom (never really seen that shorthand), but be careful to let your daughter define the terms of your relationship and respect her wishes. She is young, and very excited now, but if that enthusiasm wanes - don't push her. I'll be posting my reunion story here in a minute so I won't go into it now. But I am the adult adoptee, and my bmom has repeatedly overstepped boundaries and makes me feel guilty for setting them, and if she doesn't stop I'm going to cut off the relationship altogether. Remember, whether you were coerced or not, you did sign those papers and with that signature there were consequences - so your daughter should have the power to dictate the terms of the relationship - not you. Keep an eye out for the details of my situation soon.

[JustPeachy]

I would not want to be in the middle of whatever the daughter is going through with amom. If your daughter doesn't want you to have a relationship with amom, then she should keep that part totally separate, and not come to you with problems she is having with her. It would be nice if all of you could be on the same page, but it is not that way, and I would be very upset if my child's amom thought of me as a "baby maker." My advice to anyone in reunion is take things slowly and give yourself time to process all the emotions that come up. It can get overwhelming.

I would like to address the issue of letting the grown adoptee dictate the relationship. While I agree that boundaries should always be respected, I have to wonder if we birthmothers have to always be on eggshells and at the whim of whatever the adult adoptees want, without any consideration whatsoever. It just seems very one-sided at times. I'm not saying the birthmothers should barge in and dictate the relationship, or be demanding at all, but I do think both the adult adoptee and birthparent should have some say in the matter of how to proceed, and ideally, mutual respect should take precedence. Just MHO.

[Jennasmom1990]

Thank you amollie and justpeachy for your input. I know that I dont want to over step my bounds with either my daughter or the amom. However, at the same time my daughter is at such a young age and I really get the impression that the amom gave her the info to find me the exact same way you would give a bawling child a candy bar. My feeling was that giving my daughter the info was a rash decsion with little thought of the consequences to any of us. For that reason alone I am trying very hard to give us all space, but still continue to allow my daughter's and I's relationship to root. My daughter's adoption fantasy was actually a nightmare. She does not have a decent relationship with either one of the aparents, and she had incredible abandonment issues. That were blamed on me!!! She ended up on drugs and alcohol, having sex a very early age, and stealing, they sent her to a bootcamp for kids and then a boarding school for emotionally disturbed kids. The biggest bite for me to swallow is that I made that sacrafice for her...no one else. But when push came to shove and all she wanted was a relationship with me, they couldn't make the same sacrafice. Instead they let her suffer in a tremendous amount of pain for years. It sucks really does, and yet I still find myself catering to the amom as a means of protecting my daughter. It truly is a mess, as much as I want off this rollercoaster turning my back on my daughter once again is NOT an option. But how do we help her (she is still pretty troubled) without overstepping our bounds. I just don't know.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I would like to address the issue of letting the grown adoptee dictate the relationship. While I agree that boundaries should always be respected, I have to wonder if we birthmothers have to always be on eggshells and at the whim of whatever the adult adoptees want, without any consideration whatsoever. It just seems very one-sided at times. I'm not saying the birthmothers should barge in and dictate the relationship, or be demanding at all, but I do think both the adult adoptee and birthparent should have some say in the matter of how to proceed, and ideally, mutual respect should take precedence. Just MHO.

I'm glad you brought this subject up, JustPeachy. This is one of my pet peeves when I read reunion-related materials. Most books recommend that the adoptee be in charge of the relationship, and I absolutely do NOT agree with this. I've seen too many reunions where the now-adult adoptee calls all the shots, and I've seen it turn into a complete power trip.

What other relationship in life has one person calling all the shots?? Too often in personal relationships of any kind, if one person is "in control", that relationship can quickly become toxic. There has to be give-and-take on both sides, a compromise of sorts. I've been in reunion for 18 years now, and neither my son nor I "call the shots" in our relationship. I think it is extremely important for both parties to treat each other with respect and kindness. But then I'm a big believer in treating other people the way I would like to be treated.

All personal relationships in life depend on mutuality, IMHO, including reunions between bmoms and the now-grown children they once surrendered to adoption.

[Longtimewaiting]

As a parent of a child that I am not in reunion with, and a mother of two others. I would have to agree with the others. There is a fine line that you cannot cross. I would NOT say anything negative about her amom. (This reminds me of a divorce--in the sense that you cant say anything negative about the other spouse). Believe me, in the end you will come out ahead because of it.

She is almost 18, young, and apparently street smart or stupid depending on how you look at it, parents that did not supervise and did not act like parents. In some ways she may appear more mature, but Im sure in some ways she is very immature.

I would imagine that she is wanting to be loved. She needs someone to love her. Her parents may love her, but they are so wrapped up in their present lives that they have not given her the attention that she needs or has needed-hence all the trouble she has been into.

Personnally, I would probably be doing what you are, but we warned that she might pull away at some point. You are giving her something that she may not have been given as she was growing up--that is attention. At some point she might get nervous and have to pull away and regroup.

Yes age wise she is considered an adult at 18, but maturity wise, she might only be 13-15. Good luck. Cindy.

[rainmon]

yes, don't make her feel she is being torn in two...that could make her retreat....since the amom is having so much trouble with this and giving the daughter so much hassel, b-daughter may evetually get tired of this. so don't be the one she runs from...be the one she runs to, by not putting any pressure on her at all. but just letting her know you love her unconditionally.

[Jennasmom1990]

Longtimewaiting, you are so very correct. She is very mature on some levels and so very immature on others. I am not saying anything about the amom at all. She had her say and I bit my tongue. I practically bit it off but I did bite it nonetheless. As far as the pulling away goes, we go through it every single weekend. I will hear from her all day on fridays but come friday night until late sunday night or monday morn I dont hear from her. I know that is probably not the pulling away everyone is talking about, but for now it does help us both keep things in perspective. It is hard for me not hear from her over the weekends, not b/c I am missing her but b/c who knows what kind of trouble she is getting herself into (especially since she has no supervision). But I just try really hard to wait it out I may send a text or two reminding her that I am her, but nothing pushy. I hate that she does it, but I let her b/c it is good for both of us. And I do know that there may come a point when she pulls back completely, at least for that moment in time. It probably wont be my favorite but I will respect her wishes. I just want what is best for her and if it means not having me in her life than I will deal with that. For now I just keep my mouth shut about the aparents, love her, try not to parent her, and allow her to decide when she needs me and when she needs to back down a bit. Honestly that is really all I can do...

[Oceans]

I'm glad you brought this subject up, JustPeachy. This is one of my pet peeves when I read reunion-related materials. Most books recommend that the adoptee be in charge of the relationship, and I absolutely do NOT agree with this. I've seen too many reunions where the now-adult adoptee calls all the shots, and I've seen it turn into a complete power trip.

Just want to "third" this opinion. Thanks for bringing it up JP...

[crick]

Amom chiming in...

They made contact, so on some level, amom had to know that by calling you would be the start of some kind of relationship. Start of a change and start of a different journey. She has her own journey to take and that's between her and dd, just like yours is between you and dd. Not saying it's easy for anyone because all 3 of you have entered into a huge life change. It's new, scary, threatening and as with any life change, it takes time for all of you find your way.

It's really awful imo, that she called you a "baby maker" and while I understand there is the respect you need to have for her being dd's parent, that doesn't mean you need to take verbal abuse or respect her as an individual. She's likely lashing out of fear but that isn't your responsibility to bear. Telling her "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not a baby maker, I love dd too and while I will not take your place or intefere in your relationship with her, you do not have the right to disrespect me." is certainly within your rights to say.

You have it right in not disrespecting her to dd and not fueling that fire between them, and your focus needs to be on the relationship you are working on with her.

I'd also suggest that when dd does go off about her mom, you can say too "Look, let's focus on our reunion and while I support you as a person, I can't get in the middle of that with your mom." I think that serves a couple of purposes...one it does help keep your reunion between the two of you, and two, dd needs to learn that you aren't a dumping ground and that isn't a healthy way to begin a relationship. If your relationship foundation is based on her feeling like you are the person to whine to about her parents, how will you ever truly build a relationship between the two of you? Being 18, dd likely doesn't quite get that yet, but she needs to learn.

[rainmon]

Regarding who should be in charge of the pace in reunion:

what I have read and agree with on the most part is the person that has been "found" should be allowed to set the pace...as they've sort of been caught off guard and need a chance to get on same page as the searcher, The searcher has been wrapped up in the search for longer and is going at a much faster pace emotionally and may expect too much too soon.
so if the adoptee is the "searcher", she should definitely let the person "found" set the pace.....or if the birthfamily member is the searcher....then the adoptee is the one that is caught off guard and is most likely overwhelmed and may need to set the pace so they can have time to process things at a slower pace to catch up with where the searcher
may be at. it seems to make sence.... Imo
to allow the person that is "found" that respect.

[Dickons]

Raven and Rainmon have it right...

A relationship is between two people who respect and care deeply for each other and strive to find the perfect balance to make it good for both.

A relationship is not being a puppet on a string to dance to the puppetmasters whim - that is a make believe and has nothing of value to either party.

Enjoy life, take what lessons it give you and evolve into a better person for it, simply because you are a human being.

Kind regards,
Dickons