[sonata]

NOTE: I posted this on another forum but never received any response. Maybe I am in the wrong forum? I am looking for support with reunion issues! Thank you!

Long story as short as possible:

I am 45, adopted. After searching for 20 years, I found my b-family 6 years ago. The reunion was better than I could have hoped. My b-mother was thrilled and had tried for years to find me. Her husband (not my b-father) was supportive. My 1/2 siblings are wonderful women who have welcomed me. (I later met b-father who claimed not to know I was born, but he was cordial and I established a relationship with 1/2 siblings on that side as well).

Anyway, 6 years into reunion, I am just ready to move on. The b-family lives 900 miles away from me. They are wonderful people in every way! I have no problem with any of them except.....my b-mom who is a really sweet, loving, caring person is NOTHING LIKE ME (uh oh, did that come out wrong? LOL!) There is nothing "wrong" with her but we are so different. I am independent and strong willed while she is needy, clingy and passive. We have no common interests except her incessant need to "be" with me. I am a reserved person, she is possessive and smothering. I know she really is a dear, kind hearted person who simply loves her "baby" that she missed for 39 years. But from my standpoint, I am NOT a needy little girl. I am a grown woman with a life and a family of my own, including parents. The more my b-mom has tried to incorporate me into her life as her long lost daughter the more I have pulled away.

My reason for seeking her out was to get ANSWERS. Like most adoptees I just wanted to know where I came from, who I look like, what genetic background I have. I was not - and am not - looking for a relationship. I tried to say that when I made my first contact but that seems to have gone right over her head. She felt like her family was complete when I "returned to the fold" whereas I felt like my identity was complete when I found out the truth about who I am.

Does this make sense?

Anyway, the guilt part is because this past year I have really pulled away. "Forgot" birthdays and Christmas. Didn't return e-mails or answered only briefly about how busy I am with my family. Finally a couple of weeks ago after yet another "why haven't I heard from you? Are you okay? I MISS YOU SO MUCH" email from b-mom I just got frustrated and sent her an email saying, "Please, just leave me alone for a while. I have a lot going on with my family right now (TRUE!) and I just can't have the kind of relationship you want. I'll catch up with you later....." I feel so guilty, but I just needed some breathing room and I shot that email off in frustration. I never heard a reply - and I didn't want one - but I'm sure she is crushed and torn up over it. That makes me feel even guiltier and the guiltier I feel the more I want to avoid her. I just don't have any answers for her when she starts up with "I miss you, when am I going to see you again" every time we talk.

Sorry, the long story is still LONG! I just wonder who else is in reunion and feels like this. I feel like such a jerk but I still really need to back off from this, at least for a while.
Reply With Quote

[Oceans]

I had a similar experience in a reunion with my birth grandma. The main reason I cut off contact was the same reasons you have. The guilty was overwhelming because I didn't feel a connection (and became disinterested). The more guilt I felt, the more I forced myself to continue contact until one day, I just ended it. Then, just like you, a new guilt settled in for causing someone pain.

I don't have any advice. I never re-established contact and now I am unable. It is hard to have someone smother you with emotion when you don't feel the same way. Just know you aren't alone. Hopefully someone will have more answers than I...

[Empty_Nest]

I'm not an adoptee, but I've dealt with family members like that. What we eventually had to do was set boundaries and make them stick to that. I know that was hurtful too, but not as hurtful as cutting all contact. We felt like we didn't have any choice if we didn't want to lose our minds and our freedom.

It sounds like your bmom is a caring person, just that she wants more out of the relationship than you're willing/able to give. There must be some compromise there somewhere. It seems like a shame if you lose all contact with her.

Can you take some time and sit down alone to think through the situation? Make a list of things you're willing to give to the relationship, such as exchanging Christmas and birthday cards, meeting once a year or more or less, whether or not you're comfortable with e mails and/or phone calls, that kind of thing. Can you drop her an e mail every week or month or on some kind of schedule, so she would know when to expect to hear from you? That might help alleviate her obvious fear you're going to disappear from her life again, if she knows when to expect to hear from you. Try to come up with ideas about how to stay in touch on your terms. Put the list away and think about it a while, then review it and see if it seems reasonable.

Once you have a better idea where your comfort level is, call or meet with her and explain the things you said here, about the differences in your personalities and that you're feeling smothered and need your independence. Explain clearly what you want. Tell her why, so she knows you're not just trying to be dictatorial. Ask what she specifically wants, explain why if you can't meet her expectations, and seek similar goals between the two of you. There must be some way to stay in contact that you both can be happy with.

Good luck. It sounds like you're lucky to have both a wonderful adoptive family and an equally wonderful birth family.

[MrsHoot]

You are perfectly normal! There are a lot of stages of reunion, here's a link to a get article about them: ~Relationship Stages After a Reunion

IMO: you are just going through some time-out/pull back right now. And from what you've written you and Mom are on two totally different pages! I think it's great that she embraced you into the family...it could have been MUCH worse! So be thankful for that.

I understand the guilt part and you're right she probably is beside herself right now...I just want to suggest that you explain yourself in a little more detail to her, tell her you need some breathing room, be honest with her.

As a Mom I know I would love my eldest daughter to be that honest with me...I want nothing more than to make sure she's happy, that she comfortable, that I'm not pressuring her or pushing things too fast...I would think you Mom would want to do the same for you...KWIM?

C.

[sonata]

Thanks for the replies everybody!

I know the situation is mostly my own fault for going along with the relationship on her terms for so long - even when I wasn't comfortable with it. She was SO torn up over losing me when I was born and afraid of losing me again that I was always trying to reassure her.

Every time I talked to her it was the same refrain "when are you coming to see me?" I got in the trap of saying I would "try to come this summer" just to get her off my back and then when it didn't work out the guilt got even worse. The last time that happened, last summer, I felt so guilty for doing it yet again that is when I really started shutting her out. She didn't reproach me for it but I almost wish she HAD because then I could have come clean with her and not feel so GUILTY! Instead she emailed me that she was going to come here and visit me this Spring instead. Uh,oh....I don't want that either! So that is when I just stopped responding altogether. I just didn't have an answer for that. How can I be cruel enough to say, "No, I don't want you to come here". It was a cop out, I know, but just easier not to answer at all. SIGH....I really messed it up.

She has come to visit twice in the past 6 years - I have been there once. The visits were mostly about her smothering me and telling me over and over (and over and over!) how much she loves me, doesn't want to lose me, blesses the day I found her, etc. I hear about her years of depression and therapy dealing with giving me up for adoption and how me coming back into her life is the greatest thing that ever happened to her. That is an INCREDIBLE burden to put on someone. She obviously "loved" me all my life because I am her baby. But I was only curious about her, how can I love someone I never knew? But she expected that from me and I never had the heart to tell her any different. She even insists that I call her "Mom" but I have my own Mom! I just can't deal with that.

Sorry to ramble, but again thanks for the replies. You have given me some things to think about.......

[Oceans]

Maybe someone here can suggest a good book on reunions and focused on birth mother healing. Then maybe you can write a letter about how you feel and send the book.

Again, I'm shooting from the hip because I have done and felt everything you are saying.

[alynp]

I am fascinated by your story. It is so different from my own reunion story. I can understand why you feel the way you do. Guilt is an interesting thing. It sounds like you had a good life. It's hard to be "full" when someone else is "empty". Meaning, I bet if she had a little more distance from her pain, which sounds so raw even after all this time, your situation might have played out differently. I wonder if there is a way of letting her know that?

[MrsHoot]

It does sound like she has many of her own issues to work through if she insisting on things like calling her Mom...I don't care what my daughter calls me (as long as she calls, LOL!)

Seriously, I would much rather know what's going on than have to sit and wonder what I did wrong. I would want to know that I upset you, that you were not ready to have me visit...have a heart, tell her in a ver compassionate way - just tell her as you'd want to be told. Getting it off your chest, and not having that guilt over your head will make you feel a million times better.

[sonata]

MrsHoot, thank you for the reply. Everything you said makes sense. The only thing I have a problem with is "just tell her as you'd want to be told". I don't know that I can do that. We are SO DIFFERENT! I am an extremely reserved person and I don't tolerate clinginess very well (just ask my husband who knows when to "back off" now and then!) Since no one has ever told me to stop being clingy/needy that isn't something I can relate to.

When I talk to my b-mom, although she is a dear, sweet person, I feel like the weight of the world is on me. She NEEDS me and LOVES me and MISSES me and THINKS ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME until I want to run away and hide. How do you tell someone who loves you so much that you just don't want that? How do you tell them to stop being who they are?

I'm not saying your suggestion is wrong, I just can't quite figure out exactly how to go about explaining it to her.

[dpen6]

Hi sonata,

Think we communicated way back when!!!

Intersting to here how things have progressed for you in terms of your reunion. I understand your feeling smothered but I don't think you need to cut off contact completly. I do think you need to let her know....very gently.....how you feel. Its better then just ignoring her and you feeling guilty because of it. She is who she is but that does not mean you have to act a certian way to make her happy. Her being smothering is making you uncomfortable and pushing you away. It is a classic example of someone demanding emotion from you in a very passive aggresive way...an emotion for whatever reason you can't give. AND THATS OK!! BUT, because the door has been open for 6 years you need to be totally honest with her. Let her know you get where she is coming from but you are having trouble dealing with it, tell her her pushing and constant declarations of love are uncomfortable for you(they were for me too), and you need time to think things threw. You don't mean to hurt anyone but it is scary to think someone needs you so much to be that clingy...I think bio kids brought up in bio families would feel the same way! Does she act likethis with her kept children?

[MrsHoot]

Explain to her the way you've explained it to us....when I said "just tell her as you'd want to be told"....I just meant speak to her as you'd want to be spoken to...You don't have to understand her to be able to tell her how you feel, just be kind and compassionate with your words.

You can do this, and I know you will feel better when you're able to set a few boundaries! She’s your Mom and Mom’s want nothing more than their children to be happy...give her a chance to do just that.

[sonata]

Hi dpen6....yes I remember you. It has been a while! I come back now and then. How everything going for you?

Everything you say is true, and yes she should get an explanation. I guess I am afraid that if I try to explain I will set off a whole emotional scene that I'm just not up for. She strikes me as....I dunno if "immature" is the word....but maybe emotionally fragile. YIKES!

Okay, this may sound like a total cop out but I have actually considered asking my husband to talk to her. He would be agreeable to it. He is an even keeled person with a calm demeanor who can probably explain it to her in a soothing, non emotional way. In fact he can offer some perspective from his own point of view. Sometimes he even has his disappointments with me because I am not as demonstrative or "touchy-feely" as he is. Over 28 years he has gotten used to it and knows when I just need some space.

I have hesitated to go that route because it does seem like a cop out, but maybe it would be better than nothing. Hmmmm, I'll have to give it some thought.

Anyway, if nothing else, it makes me feel a little better to know that there are other who have felt the same way in their reunions. It isn't always what we expect or are prepared for, that's for sure!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by sonata

Hi dpen6....yes I remember you. It has been a while! I come back now and then. How everything going for you?

Everything you say is true, and yes she should get an explanation. I guess I am afraid that if I try to explain I will set off a whole emotional scene that I'm just not up for. She strikes me as....I dunno if "immature" is the word....but maybe emotionally fragile. YIKES!

Okay, this may sound like a total cop out but I have actually considered asking my husband to talk to her. He would be agreeable to it. He is an even keeled person with a calm demeanor who can probably explain it to her in a soothing, non emotional way. In fact he can offer some perspective from his own point of view. Sometimes he even has his disappointments with me because I am not as demonstrative or "touchy-feely" as he is. Over 28 years he has gotten used to it and knows when I just need some space.

I have hesitated to go that route because it does seem like a cop out, but maybe it would be better than nothing. Hmmmm, I'll have to give it some thought.

Anyway, if nothing else, it makes me feel a little better to know that there are other who have felt the same way in their reunions. It isn't always what we expect or are prepared for, that's for sure!

WIMP!!!.just kidding, actualy thats not a bad idea but I think you need to start it and then bring in how your husband deals with you, it actually may make it easier that its not just her that has to deal with prickly you(LOL) and may make her feel more included, if you will, that the person closest to you is offering advice on how to proceed. Is he able to deal with the emotion that might be invoked?

[feb171983]

After years of searching, it would be weird to have a close relationship soon. I would just explain that "this is emotional for us both, let's try to make contact once a month/2 months" or something. Now that you've walked into her life, and she in yours, you're both excited and express it differently. I would keep contact but set exact dates of when, and say how it's important to take it slow and over the long-term. Good luck.

[amyfk]

HI,

Let me first say that I am not an adoptee, so I havent walked in your shoes and cannot totally relate.
That being said, I think I would probably approach the situation in another way.
I am a very uprfront person, but I dont try to hurt people's feelings in the mix. Why dont you, in a nice(perhaps rehearse what youre going to say) way, tell your birthmother how you feel about the situation and her. Tell her in a nice way, what you have told us here on this forum. Let her have some time to absorb it.
I have all sorts of friends. Some I almost see weekly(another adoptive mom I hit it off with), some I see quarterly, and some I see yearly. I feel positively disposed to all of these folks, but some I just dont see that often, and there is still a positive mutual feeling between us.
I dont think I would totally brush off the birthmother. Although she is different than you, she sounds like a nice lady. Why dont you set some boundaries and agree upon approx. how often you will see/contact one another? Even if it's twice a year, if it can work well for both of you, then that's fine.
Best of luck,
Amy K, NJ