[amollie]

I’ll tell my story (I’ll try to keep it brief) and I’d like to know if anybody else has had to deal with the same issues. Or if anybody just has some advice from the other perspective.

I have a wonderful adoptive family, and as far as I’m concerned, they are and always will be my REAL family. We weren’t a perfect Stepford family. My Mom and I still have our issues on a pretty regular basis, but when it comes down to it she is and was there for me in a way that my bmom never was, and I don’t have the same feelings towards her.

I strongly agree with this statement by Sonata - “And more and more I feel like the needs of adoptees should come FIRST and FOREMOST in any adoption issue, especially reunion. I know it sounds selfish but that is how I feel. I didn't ASK to be given up for adoption, to be adopted, to have my records closed and sealed, to have the facts hidden from me. I didn't ASK to have "two mothers" (and fathers). I didn't ASK to be put in the middle. But here I am. And what do I get for being in the middle? A huge, heaping helping of GUILT!”

My afamily consists of me, an adoptive brother (4 years younger) and my Mom. Dad, unfortunately, passed away when I was 19, but he will always be my Dad. I also have a large, close extended family of cousins, aunts, uncles, and now nieces and nephews on both sides.

Despite being relatively happy with my afamily, growing up I had what I think is a normal curiosity about my biological parents. I also got fed up every time I went to a new doctor, filling out the history and having to explain that my “family’s” medical history wasn’t really relevant in my case. My aparents were very open about our adoptions with my brother and I. They tried to answer all our questions honestly. They told us they did have some info about our respective biological parents which they would give us when we turned 18. When I turned 18 I was just about to leave for college, and I was wrapped up in that and probably didn’t even ask. Later when I settled in at college, and I think chose to do a research paper on the Adoption Triad for one of my classes which brought it all up again, and they kind tried to push me off – saying I was busy with school and I should wait until I graduated. I may have wheedled a bit, but I don’t think I really pushed the issue that much. I finally did get the info – and registered with a ALMA and some other Reunion registries and online services. I didn’t find an immediate match and my interest kind of waxed and waned depending on what else was going on in my life. I hadn’t really thought about it in awhile when out of the blue a call came from ALMA when I was 26 saying they thought they had a match.

I made the initial contact via letter, and gave my bmom my e-mail address to respond to me. I guess I had this idea in my mind, which now seems to be atypical, that our reunion might be just a “one-shot” deal. I sort of figured she would have other family and children. I thought we could get a look at each other. I could hear her story – she could find out some stuff about my life, and she could tell me if there was anything I needed to be aware of on the medical front, and then we would go our separate ways, and maybe exchange X-mas cards.

I met my bmom in 2003 at a nearby restaurant. Very coincidentally, she lived about 2 miles from me in the same hometown, and was a cashier at a local retail chain. We even worked at the same (fairly large) company at the one time, and she was acquainted with one of my high school girlfriends via that company. We shared stories, pictures, some medical info, etc. And then towards the end she started saying stuff about monthly lunch meetings, and even showed up unannounced at my house and introduced herself to my amom. It’s been a long time and I can’t remember all the issues. She wanted to take me to a family reunion picnic, which I reluctantly agreed to. She took me around the store where she worked (which as I mentioned is in my hometown) and introduced me to her co-workers as her daughter.

I became increasingly uncomfortable with the liberties she was taking, and finally sat down and wrote her a long letter telling her how I felt. She called me crying and upset, and to make a really long story short we kind of settled into a routine that was reasonably comfortable for me. Probably less than she would have liked. We would meet about twice a year on my birthday and around Christmas, and exchange occasional e-mails. There were a few flare ups where she stopped by again unannounced, or called just wanting to hear the sound of my voice, and I had to reiterate the “rules.” But she always somehow cast me as the villain when I did this hwhich I don’t think is fair.

I don’t think I mentioned yet that after being convinced by her older brother that the right decision was to give me up she entered the Army, and married an abusive man. She had another child who was later (around 2) taken out of the situation by the state, and she was never able to get him back. Later when she met and married her current husband they were unable to have children. Sad and somewhat ironic for her, but again, not my responsibility to make up for.

As I said, things had mostly settled into a somewhat comfortable routine. Every once in awhile she would do something that I considered out of the bounds of our established relationship, and I would have to remind her, and she always cried and made me feel terribly guilty about it.

Then last year, I did the unthinkable to stir things up. I had my first child. Now she is “in her mind” a grandmother. She wants to come visit the baby, and take him to the park, and get pictures that she can display at her store, and tell people all about her grandchild. She sends cards and signs them “Mom-Mom,” and “Pop-Pop,” after I already once told her that she is not the grandmother.

The latest chapter was a rather unexpected and I think uncalled for e-mail from her husband – who has always been nice to me.

> Dear Ann,
> I do not like what you are doing to my wife **** and it is not what Jesus would do. Before **** met up with you for the first time every birthday of yours she cried he heart for you of the 20 plus years we are married. Now after meeting you tell her you are busy, sorry but I do not buy it. This is sinful and we are praying for you to stop this nonsense. How would you like if what you are doing too **** were done to you? I am sure that you would not like either. We are all God’s Children and we should be loving one another instead of being so mean. You are hurting Anita you are hurting Jesus.
> It is in the bible: the least of my brethren you have done to me.
> God loves us all but dose not like what you are dong to *****. So please stop it and start loving one another.
> ***** has no idea i am writing to you.
> ****’s Husband
> ****
>

So….any thoughts. Am I being a heartless *****, or am I being manipulated and made to feel guilty when I shouldn’t?

[browneyes0707]

Hmmm. My take on it is from a birthmother's POV, so bear with me I am currently in a situation with my birthdaughter's family where there are some contact issues relating to frequency and one side wanting more, so I see it from that side.

Having said that, you should never do more than what you can handle. You have laid out very clearly what it is that you can handle and I applaud you for not leaving her guessing. My take is that for 20+ years she has had grand fantasies of reunion, and it's hard for her to reconcile reality and fantasy. THAT IS NOT YOUR ISSUE TO BEAR. The fact that she cannot respect boundaries (caling when she knows it would upset you, referring to your children as her grandparents when you've told her repeatedly it makes you uncomfortable) is an issue that she needs to deal with, as she should be doing just that. Not necessarily as the adoptee per se, but as the person in this relationship that needs the boundaries, KWIM? There is the flip side of adoptees who want more contact than their birthparents can handle, and I feel those adoptees need to adhere to those boundaries as well. Pushing or guilting people into a relationship that they are not ready for is a recipe for disaster. Her husband should have not gotten involved, but alas he did, most likely feeling he could "help".

My question to you is where you see this realtionship going say 5, 10, 20 years from now? Are you planning on opening up those boundaries or keeping them in place for the duration? I say that because like all things between living people, relationships need room to grow, or they die. If you think about all the relationships you've had, I'm sure there are very few (if any) that have stayed EXACTLY the same over the course of time. Time changes things, people change, and relationships need the room to change with them. Your birthmom probably banked on that and is testing the boundaries to see where you stand. (and I'm not excusing that, she should just ask you at the next visit if you want to open things up more) I think that you need to reevaluate what you want and what you want out of this relationship and act accordingly, because if she continues to push things, it's going to create issues and resentment that will complicate things further.

If you don't see yourself EVER developing a closer relationship with your birthmom, that's OK, but I think you need to let her know so that she can process that. And if you have, and she isn't, then you need to tell her that if she can't respect your boundaries, you will have to distance yourself until she is able to respect your wishes. But if you want her in your life, I also think you need to think about the possibility of opening up the strict boundaries at some point in order for the relationship to grow.

Good luck!

[ocracoke]

Amollie,

You have to do what you feel is right. It sounds to me that you have set out really clear expectations for your bmom. You have let her know what you are capable of and want. It is also completely clear that she can not abide by that. She wants more. I can understand that. But a relationship where one is being pushed into something they don't want will never work. II hope that you find a resolution that you are comfortable with. I went into my reunion with my bmom reluctantly and set out clear guidelines of what I could handle. She violated them on a regular basis. I decided to cut off contact but my amom encouraged me to give it some more time. I did but things only got worse. I eventually opted to cut off contact. My sister (bio who was adopted with me) did not cut off contact so my bmom would manipulate my sister in hopes of re-establishing contact). But I had it easier then you -- my bmom lived half way across the country from me. This is all a choice -- do what you feel is right for you and your family.

Samantha

[bumblebeeskies]

So….any thoughts. Am I being a heartless *****, or am I being manipulated and made to feel guilty when I shouldn’t?

Ann,

I don't see either of the two happening. What I see is that perhaps you didn't quite think through what all was involved in a reunion. On the other side, is a husband who is seeing his wife in pain and probably has no idea what to do.

I am an adoptee. I also help other adoptees search for birth parents. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but if an adoptee who was not having significant med. problems, told me that all they wanted was med info and to see their birth parent one time, I don't think I'd be able to help them. I am NOT saying that they shouldn't be able to search and find, it's just that I don't think I'd personally feel right morally/ethically if I helped. Reunion is a hard thing. It turns our lives upside down and inside out and any other which way. I personally don't think it's fair to turn a person's life upside down just for curiosity sake.

You're going to have to set clearer boundaries. Each of you need to decide how you want to be defined in the relationship. If you don't want her to introduce you as her daughter, you need to figure out how you do want to be introduced and tell her that. I will say though, that from many posts I've read, many adoptees get offended if their birth families do not introduce them as family. As for your birth mom calling your son her grandson, I can't think of a very good alternative way to introduce him. I definately think that your birth mom should NOT be showing up on your door.

I might get flamed for this, but I think that since you put yourself "out there", as wanting a reunion, you should probably try to work it out w/ her-Unless she is causing obvious harm to you or your family. Perhaps you both can compromise on how often communication occurs. From what I read, it doesn't seem like she is trying to take your mom's place, but is just searching for some "type" of relationship w/ you.

Maybe just try to look at it from her viewpoint. What if she was searching for you, you made accomodations to allow her into your life and she then decided to walk away?

Seriously, I don't mean to sound harsh. I know how difficult this is. I just think more understanding may be in order.

Jen

[MamaS]

Amollie, I don't think you should feel guilty. And you are definitely not heartless. It isn't like you were out there pushing a search! You registered and went on with your life. Clearly your bmom was doing some searching to have found you thru ALMA.
You already have a family a job and a life. You accepted her and told her what she needed to know. "You are well and happy and she did good by you in placing you for adoption." And you know she is well and has a caring husband. As you said, the bad parts of her life aren't your fault and you can't fix them.
I think your boundaries were very clear and reasonable. If I were you I would forward her husband's e-mail to your bmom and remind her of the personal boundaries you have set up to protect you, your a-family and your child. Then it is up to her. If she respects them you will have a relationship. If she doesn't, you won't.

[Oceans]

“And more and more I feel like the needs of adoptees should come FIRST and FOREMOST in any adoption issue, especially reunion. I know it sounds selfish but that is how I feel. I didn't ASK to be given up for adoption, to be adopted, to have my records closed and sealed, to have the facts hidden from me. I didn't ASK to have "two mothers" (and fathers). I didn't ASK to be put in the middle. But here I am. And what do I get for being in the middle? A huge, heaping helping of GUILT!”

I'm not sure of Sonata’s context so I’m just addressing this in the context of your story. You should also know that I'm a bmom as well as well as someone who is half-adopted and experienced a reunion as an adult with my bdad.

I know it seems unfair and you didn’t ask for this but you're right… Here you are. If you were still a child, I might agree with the above statement but you are an adult now, in an adult relationship. Should you feel guilty? – Absolutely not and her experience is not your cross to bear. That said, and I don’t mean to sound harsh but…

If you want a relationship with your bmom then I strongly disagree that you call all the shots and that your feeling come first and foremost. In any relationship there is give and take and I couldn’t agree with Brown more that relationships need room to grow otherwise they die.

Boundaries are great and boundaries are necessary. They are also designed to keep people out… When we are forced to implement boundaries to the point of I will only see 2ce a year and may only email X often etc, you no longer have a relationship. You are enforcing a custody agreement with yourself. This is not what 2 consenting adults do in any relationship.

I guess my thought is to re-evaluate whether or not you actually want her in your life. If the answer is no then take the steps to kindly, gently and humanly tell her that. If you do want some sort of relationship with her, then yes, reinforce your boundaries but work towards the possibility of expanding the relationship and please re-evaluate the above attitude/belief.

She too is a person with feelings and needs and IMO, yours don’t trump hers in the grand scheme of things.
You just need to figure out if you want a person with those feelings/needs in your life.

Best of luck… And again, sorry if I was harsh.

[EZ2Luv]

I am an adptee and I can feel for you and how much this has taken a toll on you. It seems as though your Bmom is extremly needy and expecting you to fill up some kind of void in her life. I agree that adoptees ae in the middle and are somewhat victims of the decisions of others.
Please stick to your gun, you are not at all being heartless or mean. You are only doing the nest thing for yourself. Please do not let these people guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with.
It seems that in the past the Bmoms guilt tactics(crying and carrying on whenever boudries were enforced) have worked. Now that she is not able to effectivly guilt you anymore she has her dh try to. NO NO NO!! This is NOT your responsibilty to make anyone happy or fill anyone's voids. I wonder if she has done this to the other child that was taken away from her. Your Bmom needs some kind of therapy to deal with her own issues, it is not your responsibility to make her well. You have set boundries and you need to stick to them.
Nobody can force anyone to give anything that they are not confortable giving and if by chace they are forced to or guilted into they are nore than likely being pushed away. Truth be told, if that were me(and there has been a situation with my Bsis) I would just end it after the first gulting attempt. It is simply not fair to you to be placed in such a position. With my Bsis, all bets were off after her first stunt. I simply had to put myself first and tell myself that needy people only drain me. My sanity and happiness are something I am just not willing to compromise and if anything that type of behavior made me want to run as fas away from her as possible.

EZ

[JustPeachy]

Have you asked your bmom why she is overstepping the boundaries you've asked her to respect? Is she absolutely clear on them?? I think intitally in reunion, both sides get caught up in the excitement/anxiety of it all, and fail to think of how they want the ongoing relationship to unfold and what each other's needs are. Then one party does something which is unacceptable to the other, and the reality hits home. It can leave a person thinking "what did I get myself into??!!" Meanwhile the other party doesn't think they did anything wrong, or feels entitled to act a certain way, but it's not OK with the person who felt wronged. I'm all for taking things very slowly in reunion and using a mediator/counselor if at all possible to help navigate these issues and differences.

Personally, I don't like what your bmom's husband did. He shouldn't give you the guilt trip like that and I would basically ignore it. I can understand he is upset that his wife is hurting, but I think he overstepped his boundaries by sending you that letter, whether your bmom knew about it or not. Anyway, you have enough on your plate trying to have a relationship of some kind with your birthmother. You don't need your bmom's husband adding to the tension/drama.

If you do desire to continue in a relationship with your bmom, I would sit down with her and lay out the things that make you uncomfortable and have her explain more about what her needs are and how they mesh with yours. I totally agree that your boundaries need to be respected, but at the same time, also agree that it cannot be all on your terms (or hers). If you will be hypervigilant to every single thing she does that feels to you like a boundary violation, she will end up feeling like she just cannot win. If she constantly disregards your feelings, you will end up feeling disrespected and walked all over. If she makes some effort to meet you half way, I would try to meet her half way. She has already demonstrated that she can abide by your wishes for a time, and then she seems to push for more of a relationship. I would say both parties need to be very clear on what they can and cannot give, what they want and don't want, but at the same time be flexible and give up some control. I'm learning this the hard way myself as I embark on the uncertain waters of reunion with my son. I tend to like to be in control and there is nothing about reunion that you can really control with certainty, you know? So I have to let things go. Probably a lesson I need to learn anyway.

I can understand your bmom's feelings about telling everyone about you. To her, you are her daughter and I'm sure she's proud of you! She must be very excited to reconnect with you after all these years. It is hard (if not impossible) for a bmom to think of the "product of her loins" as anything but her child. And would you really want her to consider you as anything else? Like we were discussing in another thread, would you want her to see you as a lump of cells, a discharge, or a uterine byproduct?? And it would be hard for her to think of your child as anything but her grandchild. Not that she should take away from your amom's grandmother experience (and I don't think that's her intention, as a child can have more than one grandma), but what would you like for your bmom to call him? Do you want her to have a relationship with him at all?? Maybe you can both compromise on a special name she can call your son and that he can call her. Maybe she can introduce you when you are with her as "Amollie" but if she is talking about you to her friends, it would be ok for her to say "I spoke with my daughter today." It's ok if you don't see yourself as her daughter, but she will always see you as such. Not as the daughter she parented but as the daughter she carried and gave birth to.

And despite the fact that you didn't ask to be adopted, you didn't ask to have your records closed, didn't ask to be put in the middle, etc., you did embark on a search and wanted to meet your bmom. Now that you've satisfied your curiosity, and I assume, gotten your medical info, is there anything about her you like and can relate to?? Is there some common ground you can focus on??? What positive things, if any, are there in the relationship???? Maybe you can start from there and see if there is any middle ground with regard to the boundary concerns, or perhaps you need to take some time to sort through all this, but I would let your bmom know upfront rather than just disappear with no explanation.

[dakota]

Well kiddo, I can tell you from experience that Pandora's Box can definitely be closed and it's the Birthmom's responsibility to let it be closed-not yours. Your responsibility in all of this is non-existent. Your right - you did not do any of it - that's why she has to close it.

I know this myself, because I was contacted by a young lady who wanted to find her birthmom. She found my thread in this forum and emailed me. We talked on the telephone, I sent her pictures through email and even agreed to take a DNA test, merely based on certain circumstances that came out during our brief conversation and emails.

The next day she left me a voice mail on my telephone and stated she had thought about the situation and had decided she was not ready to find her birthmom.

I was devastated as I have searched for her online since the early 80's. So, even though I was tormented by this telephone call, I immediately sent her an email and advised her that I respected her wishes and would not make any attempts to contact her in the future.

I totally respected her wishes and am moving on with my life. If she was my birth-child, then I hope she got the information she was looking for. If she wasn't, then I hope one day she does find her real birth-mom and gives herself a chance to be an adult and have some kind of relationship with her birth-mom, if she chooses.

But on that note, I want to say this "If adoptees really don't want a relationship or reunion with your birth-moms - then leave them alone".

It's just as hard for us birth-moms to deal with our own issues as it is for adoptees to deal with the unfortunate truths they learn as adults. We are human too and we also have feelings. Having said that, I do want to add that I would never "force" myself on anyone that didn't want my love, care and concern in return. I am an adult and I was brought up to act like one.

Birth-moms don't have time to play games or ride anybody else's roller-coaster. You definitely sound bitter in your thread and for that reason alone, you need to stop all contact with your birth-mom. Your only hurting her and your right, that's not your fault. But leading her on in any way, whether it be a birthday or Christmas, etc., is enough to get her hopes up for more.

I hope you understand what I am trying to get across. As a birth-mom, I can see both sides of your dilema.

The young lady that contacted me advised me that her adoptive mom doesn't want her searching for her birth-mom. But for whatever reason she chose to "back out" doesn't even matter. I am respecting her wishes.

Your birth-mom should do the same by you and close that Pandora's box for both of you.

Take care of YOU - as "ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY".

Sincerely,
Dakota (Nanna)

[Dickons]

Every relationship we have changes us - good or bad - it is what you do with what you learned that makes you a better friend to others in your life. After reading and re-reading your post my impression is that you do not want a relationship yet. You are very young, just a new mom, twenty years from now you may feel differently.

I believe her husband has the right to tell you how he feels and he also has a duty to protect his family. He seems more than willing to have you as part of his family, but also came to the point of needing to have input into something that is causing his wife pain. I see nothing mean or spiteful in his words to you - he is asking you to search your soul while at the same time telling you what he witnessed of the pain your mother went through each and every year. Be thankful that your mother has someone strong and loving to be her husband.

Last thing...if she is your mother then she is your childs grandmother - you cannot have it both ways. Compromise...life is too short literally, to not find a way to have two families...could she not be your childs nanna too?

I am also including a quote to ponder on - take the time to enjoy life - not deny it.

Kind regards,
Dickons

I saw behind me those who had gone, and before me those who are to come. I looked back and saw my father and his father and all our fathers, and in front to see my son and his son, and the sons upon sons beyond. And their eyes were my eyes. As I felt so they had felt, and were to feel, as then, so now, as tomorrow and forever. Then I was not afraid for I was in a long line that had no beginning and no end.

And the hand of his father grasped my father's hand and his hand was in mine, and my unborn son took my right hand and all, up and down the line thatstretched from Time That Was to Time That is Not Yet, raised their hands to show the link. And we found that we were one...

~ Richard Llewellyn

[firish16]

I think you and I have a very similar initial story. I think I would react to the situation in the same way that you have. Fortunately, my bmom lives far enough away that she couldn't drop in like that. However, I have experienced some of the guilt that you describe--however deliberate or undeliberate it is.

Basically, I think that as an adoptee, we have every right to be selfish in this matter. However, as a person, it's hard to act selfishly for long. There are so many things that I didn't understand about reuinion--I just sort of jumped into it. I knew a little bit about the situation--but had no idea how many people would be affected by my desire to reunite with my bmom and brother.

I do not regret at all the decision to make contact, and I immediately felt an overwhelming love for my older brother Josh (27) and younger siblings Becca (21) and Chris (18). However, I was so lucky that I could bust into their lives and that they would be so accepting. (My younger siblings did not know about me.)

It's complicated and unique to each situation. In your case, it sounds like your bmom does not fully understand how your feel or why you feel that way. I know that her heart has been hurting ever since you were adopted, but that was a risk she took and a choice she made. I think you are in the right, but I understand your guilt. I do think you should try to find a way to help her understand why you feel the way you do. Possibly if she backs off your feelings could change?

For me, I wrote a letter and my brother Josh called me first. It was very awkward. My bmom called me the next day and cried a lot on the phone and I remember being surprised that I didn't feel any emotion. I always thought I would be overwhelmed by a particular sentiment, but instead I sat there awkwardly hoping to get off the phone so I could just go process it all. That was over a year ago, and I'm still thinking it all out.

[Nicole28]

I'm so sorry that this has been so stressful for you. I am not in reunion - but when I think about the potential complications that could arise if I ever were to be in reunion, it often makes me feel less inclined to search.

I'm not particularly religious, but either way you slice it I feel like your bio-mother's husband's email was kind of offensive...since it almost implies that you are some kind of immoral derelict who does not know right from wrong and that the only way to straighten you out is through fervent pleas to Jesus. I feel like that is a sneaky way to make you feel guilty! Don't let it. I think you are entitled to respond to his email if you so choose: he may be her husband, but when you get right down to it, how you and your biological mother handle your reunion is none of his business. I can appreciate his love & concern for his wife, but to make assumptions about your moral character is overstepping his boundaries if you ask me.

It seems as though you have been and continue to be VERY explicit about what you want in reunion. If your biological mother cannot respect & accept your terms, and if you continue to be uncomfortable with her desires, then it seems as though, right now at least, reunion is not working for you two - it is not a failure, or a "giving up;" it is an understanding that this situation is unhealthy for you emotionally & you need to do something about it. You have to take care of you. As an adoptee, I am big on the idea that reunion should be on the adoptees terms, since - up until the reunion phase - we didn't have a choice in ANY of this, you know?

I have to comment -

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but if an adoptee who was not having significant med. problems, told me that all they wanted was med info and to see their birth parent one time, I don't think I'd be able to help them. I am NOT saying that they shouldn't be able to search and find, it's just that I don't think I'd personally feel right morally/ethically if I helped.

Bumblebeeskies - I have said before that I am less concerned with meeting my biological mother and INCREDIBLY concerned with accessing my medical history. I am entitled to it, I deserve it, and my rights are being violated...and I don't feel badly about not necessarily wanting contact. No one could make me feel guilty about that kind of thing. I don't view it as "disrupting someone else's life out of curiosity." I respect and understand my biological mother's privacy, and I would never cross a line or make an attempt to turn her life upside down. I really feel strongly about protecting her rights.

[amollie]

I don't know if the quote is here, but I'm glad you addressed the person that said we (adoptees) don't have the right to disrupt their lives out of curiosity and interest in medical history. One of the most valuable things to come out of my reunion with my bmom is that she has High BP, diabetes, and her mother died in her 40's of breast cancer. I also have high BP at a pretty early age and am treating it with medication, and my doctor is aware that I may be at risk for diabetes, and I'll probably start getting a mammogram a little earlier than normal because of the breast cancer. All of that is a very good reason to disrupt her life, IMHO.

I have to comment -

Bumblebeeskies - I have said before that I am less concerned with meeting my biological mother and INCREDIBLY concerned with accessing my medical history. I am entitled to it, I deserve it, and my rights are being violated...and I don't feel badly about not necessarily wanting contact. No one could make me feel guilty about that kind of thing. I don't view it as "disrupting someone else's life out of curiosity." I respect and understand my biological mother's privacy, and I would never cross a line or make an attempt to turn her life upside down. I really feel strongly about protecting her rights.[/quote]

[RavenSong]

I am so glad you were able to obtain your maternal medical history. That is indeed incredibly important information to be able to give to your physician. One of the problems I see with adoptions from the "closed era" is the lack of family medical history, which as we know is so important. Since so many of us birthmothers from those long-ago days relinquished while we were teenagers or in our 20's, we hadn't built up much of a medical history to give the adoption workers. I know I didn't have much to reveal to the social worker when I was 17 years old. But that changed drastically by the time I was 30...by then I did have an idea of what inheritable conditions my son should be aware of. So I contacted the adoption agency and updated my medical history with them, and they relayed the updates to my son's parents.

It sounds to me like you want to permanently shut down the relationship with your bmom. And maybe that's what you need to do. One thing I would ask you, however, is to either write her a letter or see her in person to tell her about your decision. Don't just disappear and leave her hanging. She does deserve that much respect and consideration. And beware of one thing: if you do end the relationship and then change your mind in 10 or 20 years, it won't be that easy to open the door again. I imagine she'll put a "guard" up around her heart...she won't have that sense of hope or trust that she once had. It is a serious decision that needs to be thought through carefully.

Good luck in whatever you decide. You deserve to be happy in life.