[gigglessa]

This is my first post.
I was recently reunited with my bmom. We had a great time, but I think I might have done something wrong.
Need advice.
When I returned I had so many emotions, mostly sadness, newly felt abandonment issues, and even anger.
Most were a result of my childhood, because i had some rough times.
I posted on my blog all the feelings I was having..some past childhood memories that were not very happy..
anyway, my sisters read it and then told my mother.
She was very very upset and concerned for me..she called me and was so supportive and repeatedly told me that I could talk to her anytime. She did mention how terrible she felt..like she was having a heart attack when they told her about what I posted.
Problem..I feel so bad for making her feel bad, and guilty.
I didn't post the info for that reason, it was just to work it out. I had never actually told anyone most of what I went through..
Do you think that it was wrong of me to do that?
I feel terrible for causing her grief and we just reunited last month.

[dpen6]

Please understand YOU did not cause her any grief. Its wonderful she called to be supportive but unfortuante that she told you how bad it made her feel. She is not responsabile for the problems you had in childhhod but neither are you resposible for her grief.

You feel what you feel based on your life experaince. All of it is valid and needs to be seen seperate from what anyone else went through because of your birth.

How old are you?

[gigglessa]

I am 37 and I couldn't ask for a more supportive response from my mother..but I tried to make her understand that this is about me..and my experience, not her.
Plus I didn't want to add more guilt to all she already feels.
She give up two children, and the ones she kept have anger issues too because she made bad choices when they were young. Lots of them..but she straightened out her life now and is trying hard to make things better.
So, I didn't want to make her feels more guilty because she carries guilt concerning her other children too.

[JustPeachy]

I don't think this will ruin your reunion, but in the future you may want to write in a journal or keep your online blog posting private.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I don't think this will ruin your reunion, but in the future you may want to write in a journal or keep your online blog posting private.

Why? To protect her birthmother or her?

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by gigglessa

I am 37 and I couldn't ask for a more supportive response from my mother..but I tried to make her understand that this is about me..and my experience, not her.
Plus I didn't want to add more guilt to all she already feels.
She give up two children, and the ones she kept have anger issues too because she made bad choices when they were young. Lots of them..but she straightened out her life now and is trying hard to make things better.
So, I didn't want to make her feels more guilty because she carries guilt concerning her other children too.

sounds like she has some atoning to do and thats a shame. I think that in terms of the reunion just based upon your relationship alone it has to be 2 strangers learning about each other. If it works great..if not then it didnt. IMO, other then the basic information an adoptee is owed...nothing else is owed to either party. Nobody shoud take on or dish out guilt.

It is about you.

[gigglessa]

I actually deleted the whole page. I had a myspace account which I used to find my family.
I have another blog that they don't know about.
I do have regrets, even my dh thought it was stupid of me to put my emotions out in public.

[Oceans]

I think as hard as it might be to read the emotions my son was feeling, I would welcome the opportunity. Don't worry about her. It was probably enlightening and she has a better understanding of where you are coming from. These thoughts are probably ones you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with her in person but… it is how you feel. There’s no shame in that!!

I would hate it if my Mom read my blog. Why? Because there are some things in there that might make her feel guilty. I don't hold a grudge against her (at all!!)... it's just my way of remembering and exploring my thoughts and feelings around those memories. I would feel guilty that she felt hurt or guilt and I might tell her the purpose of my writing those things was not to assign blame...

Don't quit blogging or start editing yourself while doing so. If blogging is therapeutic then by all means continue. You can even start a private blog reserved only for these types of thoughts.

You didn't do anything wrong... It may even help your bmom understand you better. Sounds like you are off to a great start with you bmom. This is just a hiccup. Don't give it too much thought...((( Hugs)))

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Why? To protect her birthmother or her?

Both, perhaps. She wouldn't be having the dilemma she is writing about now if she didn't post in a public blog. Plus it's perfectly alright for some of our innermost thoughts/emotions/feelings to remain private. Not so much an issue of protecting anyone, but it is not necessary all the time to share every single emotion, espeically in early stages of reunion when everyone is so vulnerable. It's probably healthier to keep some things to ourselves and process them on our own. A simple matter of privacy and personal boundary is what it comes down to for me.

I would also add that the bmom has every right to express how a public blog entry made her feel. If we are putting our emotions out there, why should the bmom stifle hers? The bmom's expressing how the blog entry made her feel is just that--how she feels. It's not guilt tripping unless she were to say something like "how could you do this to me" or "I'm so disappointed in you!" On the contrary. The bmom was supportive, while also being honest in that those words made her feel badly. I will reiterate: if you put things out there for all to read, you have to be prepared for other people's reactions, espeically those who you are writing about! It might be better to keep those entries private.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Both, perhaps. She wouldn't be having the dilemma she is writing about now if she didn't post in a public blog. Plus it's perfectly alright for some of our innermost thoughts/emotions/feelings to remain private. Not so much an issue of protecting anyone, but it is not necessary all the time to share every single emotion, espeically in early stages of reunion when everyone is so vulnerable. It's probably healthier to keep some things to ourselves and process them on our own. A simple matter of privacy and personal boundary is what it comes down to for me.

I would also add that the bmom has every right to express how a public blog entry made her feel. If we are putting our emotions out there, why should the bmom stifle hers? The bmom's expressing how the blog entry made her feel is just that--how she feels. It's not guilt tripping unless she were to say something like "how could you do this to me" or "I'm so disappointed in you!" On the contrary. The bmom was supportive, while also being honest in that those words made her feel badly. I will reiterate: if you put things out there for all to read, you have to be prepared for other people's reactions, espeically those who you are writing about! It might be better to keep those entries private.

I agree to a point. but to hear that just because your life experiance is causing someoe to have a heart attack, causing guilt ect is not a good feeling to the person who really has lost the most. To be told that you caused someone pain just based upon the fact that you exist...really..no other reason is horrible.

If in fact you wants to get respect for your situation you have to give it..that is understand that the adopted peron is there and exist because of you...they were infants, children and now adults they have lived ther WHOLE life being adopted.

Being adopted puts someone in a unique position that no bio or adoptive mother could understand. Its not necessarily a bad thing but to many times I hear bmoms cry that their child :needs to understand, be more respectful ect" with no attempt made to underestand the enomarity of what the adopted person has gone through. the feelings that they exist for everyone else and not themselves, the feeling that really as a person you are just a symbol for everyones else pain or joy and are not allowed to voice any anger or being upset because of who it might hurt. Its called totally disregarding the very person that has really had the most to lose.

To tell her not to write about it, when many birth mothers write about there angst is wrong.

I agree she should keep it private to protect herself from others guilt and pain.....just because the one person who is responsible for her existence can't handle the unique seperate experaince of this person..it becomes to personal so that the one experiancing it needs to stifle. Again it becomes all about the mothers.
An adoptee has every right to blog about how ther life has panned out. Isn't that what blogging is about. Yes, the adopted person may hear how terrible she made her mothe or mothers feel but you know maybe the mothers should just step back and listen and don't make about them all the time.

[loveis]

I am not going to say don't feel guilty, I would, I have for what I have told my bmom. And I am ok with that. We have been reunited for 8 months, we have a wonderful reunion. I have told her things that maybe I shouldn't have or so I thought (or obsessed about). Most Bmoms really do want to hear the good and the bad, but they may not be ready to deal with it all well. You can not spend your whole life censoring what you say, way too hard, plus if your bmom really wants to get to know you she has to hear about it all.

You are going to say and do the wrong things probably a lot with your bmom, I do, and trust me she will say the wrong things too. We are human and going through one of the most traumatic (IMHO) things one can go through, reunion.

Work it out with your bmom, ask questions, be honest but know this, no matter what you do she will feel guilty, sorry nature of the relationship. Should she?? NO!!! But she will, mine does, I hate that she does but I CAN NOT change it. Maybe it will diminish over time, maybe it won't, but no matter what we'll work through it, she is my mother.

You'll be fine, you have a lot to handle, one day at a time, and breathe! Like someone else keeps telling me, this is a journey. (a long one)

Be sad, be angry, be all of it, feel it all but most of all enjoy your reunion and hopefully really feel some of the happiness of it all.

Good Luck! Keep us posted.

[kakuehl]

Ah guilt, we mothers are good at feeling it! My mother used to drive me nuts, because anything I did that was wrong (or that she disagreed with) she would blame herself for. (If she'd been a better mother I won't have _______ - fill in the blank.) I do it with my children too, placed and raised although I'm not as bad as mom. The two I raised are very good at telling me it was their choice/s not my lack of parenting... Adoption, of course, brings its own baggage. Your bmom will need to figure out how to let go of her own guilt. Like everything else I find it comes and goes. Mentally, I know the guilt is unrealistic and unnecessary; emotionally it's a different story.

Hang in there. You are at the beginning of the relationship. It is a journey of discovery!

[shell50]

I am 51, just met bmom, at the moment it's all about her, but perhaps you have to go with her flow for now to have a future together.I believe bmom's feel guilt,but,maybe in time they will get to know the people we are. Not sure if it's worth it,but,life is an adventure and perhaps in time they will become friends not mothers.Let's live in hope!!

[kakuehl]

Shell, one of the joys of my reunion with my birthson has been getting to know this adult for the person he is. As I stated earlier, the guilt comes and goes, and I try not to lay it on D, because it's my problem. I do occasionally apologize for something he has inherited from me (including my sometimes sarcastic sense of humor). It has indeed been an adventure. It's been interesting, the link between us is evident to us both. We are not mother/son and yet friend doesn't describe it either. (D just calls it "healthy.") I hope your relationship with your bmom develops in a healthy way too.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Shell, one of the joys of my reunion with my birthson has been getting to know this adult for the person he is. As I stated earlier, the guilt comes and goes, and I try not to lay it on D, because it's my problem. I do occasionally apologize for something he has inherited from me (including my sometimes sarcastic sense of humor). It has indeed been an adventure. It's been interesting, the link between us is evident to us both. We are not mother/son and yet friend doesn't describe it either. (D just calls it "healthy.") I hope your relationship with your bmom develops in a healthy way too.

Kathy,

You rock! I continue to be so impressed with your ability to see all sides. Yet be able to express your vunerabilities. I know what you mean about trying to define the relationship. techanically you really are mother and son but a whole childhood lifetime passed before ou met up with him so the defination has shifted. I felt the same way with my bmom...she was more then a friend, more then an aunt...but I never really saw her as mother. There was no disrespect or judgment there. Its just the way it was.

Somehow I don't see you as being sarcastic. Me, on the other hand.........