[kakuehl]

Thank you, Dpen,
I generally reserve both irony and sarcasm for close friends... I usually don't use it when talking with with parishioners or online. (It's too easily misunderstood and hurtful.) I try to use it with people who understand what I'm doing. (Although, sometimes, when I'm really frustrated....) It's been funny when D has said something and stopped to say that he was being sarcastic because I assumed he was!

[kune]

Donna

Again it becomes all about the mothers.

I don't think this is about two different groups (child / mother/ biological or adoptive. To me, reunion is all about family/friendships and possibilities . If every person involved in the reunion exercices respect and compassion for each other, chances are each feels supportive and supported. That's what families do - right?
From what I read of gigglessa posts, her bmother was feeling pain for her bdaughters trauma - not asking for sympathy for the impact the news had on her. Shes offered her support - so let's take that as a mark of respect.

Please understand YOU did not cause her any grief. Its wonderful she called to be supportive but unfortuante that she told you how bad it made her feel. She is not responsabile for the problems you had in childhhod but neither are you resposible for her grief

I agree......but I think the bmom would have welcomed the honesty and at the same time experienced grief for it having happened to her daughter. I think it's more possbile she did feel responsible for her daughters childhood. ??

gigglessa.... I read that you both are committed to this new-found relationship. She voiced how sad she was to learn of your earlier trauma. That's what reunions need - people telling/asking the other how they feel - if it's asked, answered or spoken....there is no doubt. Now...if you are worried that your words will drive her away, tell her what you fear, and say you regret putting yourself in such a vulnerable place - chances are she feels the same. Talk it through instead of worrying it around in your head. It's the only way to know how things are, and gives you each an opportunity to allay those fears and move that little bit closer to a place of trust. We all need to stand in our own reality - not in percieved fear.

XXX Fingers crossed for you both. I think you are both doing the best you can to heal old wounds and keep your reunion momentum moving forward

Ann

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by kune

Donna
I don't think this is about two different groups (child / mother/ biological or adoptive. To me, reunion is all about family/friendships and possibilities . If every person involved in the reunion exercices respect and compassion for each other, chances are each feels supportive and supported. That's what families do - right?
From what I read of gigglessa posts, her bmother was feeling pain for her bdaughters trauma - not asking for sympathy for the impact the news had on her. Shes offered her support - so let's take that as a mark of respect.

I agree......but I think the bmom would have welcomed the honesty and at the same time experienced grief for it having happened to her daughter. I think it's more possbile she did feel responsible for her daughters childhood. ??



Ann

Ann, It would be best if we could all feel supported. But as an adopee when I hear how the mother feels like she is going to have a heart attack or is mired in her own grief over the child upbringing and then lets that person know how awful she feels, it would only make ME feel worse about contacting. That would make the adoptee responsible for more heartache and pain for the mother. Why? Because I was born and placed...so no matter what happens the adoptee has to temper their own feelings, not talk about them, be told to underestand again.....so then, should she have lied about her upbringing?

I think it would be best if a birth mother upon hearing about a horrible upbringing of theor child to say with honesty///"I am so sorry that happened, its not what wanted for you, and I hope I can help you from this point on, to know you are loved an you never should have been trreated that way." To project their own feelings of guilt and pain, to make the childs upbringing about thmeselves continues to make it about the mother. So not only is the adopted person dealing with thier own confusion, trauma of a bad childhood, figuring out where they fit in with birthfamily..they have to be responsible for birthmothers guilt. Not an easy place to be. Especially if they are young and trying to start a life of their own.

I think often the fact is that in this triad it is the adopted person that adoption actually happened to:Their very start in life is about adoption. For the mothers of adoption(birth and adoptive) it is a part of their life. Albiet, a very important, sometimes difficult part of their life. Some adoptees consider it just a one time event and that may be very true, but they are still not with their bfamily and have still lost that link. Whether it be for the good or the bad, it is still a fact that they were given to others to be raised. So from the time you have a conscience thought you know that you have been either the source of great pain or great joy to the most important women in your lifes. To attempt to fill in the blanks about yourself, to find out more about yourself, not JUST for yourself but for your children also, to might attempt contact. You find that contact and then figure out what it all really means in a huge way!! How it impacts you as a person, how it assimaltes all facets of who you might be, did it really matter or not? What was the whole point of it? I can't imagine having being brought up to be abused by adoptive parents then having birthmother find out that you were abused, then be resposible for her guilt and pain at finding out about MY childhood, my pain, my problem, for a situaion that I was put in.

Of course we all need to show respect and compassion but often I think the mothers don't really listen to the adoptees experiance and if they do they try to assimalte into their own. It can't be done. Each place is very different and the feelinga are very different. The adoptee stand alone in their place...not immeshed into the places of their mothers.

[gigglessa]

Thanks so much for all the replies.
I must admit that I am still unsure what to do. I don't want to tell her any thing more..I don't feel I can write it out anymore..
but sometimes I want to call her like everyday..and then I think I am going to seem to clingy..its weird.
Did any of you feel that way after reunion?
I am not sure if this is the right forum to put all these questions.
Another thing that makes this hard is that my adopted mother passed away when I was 5 and I haven't actually had a mother figure in my life..
anyway, thanks again.

[kakuehl]

This is certainly one place to post... as you will have noticed, we all post all over the place. You might also go to the adult adoptee forums.

I am in a motel room and must sign out so I will respond to your questions in this post later!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by gigglessa

Thanks so much for all the replies.
I must admit that I am still unsure what to do. I don't want to tell her any thing more..I don't feel I can write it out anymore..
but sometimes I want to call her like everyday..and then I think I am going to seem to clingy..its weird.
Did any of you feel that way after reunion?
I am not sure if this is the right forum to put all these questions.
Another thing that makes this hard is that my adopted mother passed away when I was 5 and I haven't actually had a mother figure in my life..
anyway, thanks again.

IMO, its all part of the confusion faced by an adoptee at the time of reunion. You need TIME to sort it all out.
You want to talk to her maybe because she is a link to you, and who you are.

My suggestion would be to call her let her call you as needed but in these early days keep it simple. try not to bring on the heavy stuff and if it does creep in try to control the emotions so that it can be taken slowly, processed slowly buyyou and your birthmom.