[Jennasmom1990]

For those of you who have already read my earlier posts I have just begun the reunion process with my bdaughter. She turned 18 today, and I have a small problem I am trying to figure out.

I have 3 other children that I am raising, my bdaughter is very excited to meet them. As they are her as well. The problem is the amom doesn't want her to come here to visit with them, she wants to wait until we come to MD for vacation to allow her to meet the other 3 children. My husband is very opposed to this idea bc the orginal agreement was that I would go there to her the first meeting but that when the time comes for my bdaughter to meet my other children she would come here to an environment that they are comfortable in as they are quite a bit younger than she is. We are talking about a 15 y/o, an 11 y/o with high functioning autism, and a 9 y/o. The change happened when my bdaughter's amom found out that we were coming to her area for vacation. In her mind that meant that my bdaughter could meet the other kids without the amom haveing to send her here to do it. It also allows for the amom to try to some whqat control the meeting, which after my visit, I can tell you my children will never be exposed to her. My husband says absolutely no.

I gave the amom everything she asked for in our first meeting. She wanted to be there, she wanted done at her house, she demanded that I come alone without my husband or my other children. And I agreed to it all.

Now is it so wrong for me to want and expect her to uphold her end of the agreement reguardless of where we are going on vacation. My husband does not want them to all meet there bc as he says we go on vacation to decompress not to go into a pressure cooker situation. He thinks that my other children should be extened the same courtesy that the bdaughter was extended in the first meeting.

So I am just wondering how to address this with an amom who "just wants me to go away"? And if she says no, what do I do then?

[bprice215]

I'd say your going to have to be upfront and honest with the amom by asking your birth daughter to come to your home to meet your children. This is a very tough question your asking because the amom controls so much here. Hope you get it worked out. Let us know how it goes.
bprice215

[curiositykitten]

Does the amom understand about your child with high functioning autism?

I can imagine that it would be much easier for that child to be in their own environment especially when meeting new people. I would speak to the amom and explain this and tell her that it would just be better for your children if you could stick to your original agreement. That it could meet the considerations of all parties involved.

[Jackiejdajda]

Jennasmom1990

Now is it so wrong for me to want and expect her to uphold her end of the agreement reguardless of where we are going on vacation. My husband does not want them to all meet there bc as he says we go on vacation to decompress not to go into a pressure cooker situation. He thinks that my other children should be extened the same courtesy that the bdaughter was extended in the first meeting.

So I am just wondering how to address this with an amom who "just wants me to go away"? And if she says no, what do I do then?

I agree with your husband.. If the amom says no.. then I personally would let it go and wait till your birthdaughter is older and wants to know you and your family..
If resentments come up.. then the reunion may end up on rocky ground..

Jackie

[Jennasmom1990]

Jackie, see that is the thing my bdaughter is ready to meet the rest of my family. The amom just doesn't want to share her enough to let her do it. I have told my bdaughter that she is going to have to be the one to stand up to her amom on this. I can't do it for her, she needs her amom to know that it is something she wants to do for her, not for me. The amom and adad have never been much of a family to her nor has the extended afamily, and all my bdaughter has craved for the last 18 years is a close knit family. Fortunately or unfortunately how ever you want to look at it, I have a very close knit family with my immediate family and my extended family as well. The aparents are feeling very threatened by that. They are afraid that if she comes here and sees our family unit that she will turn her back on them for us. I don't want her to do that, I want her to continue to have a relationship with them. I just dont know how to make them see that I don't want to be in leui of them but in addition to them. She needs to continue her relationship with them, she is young and her she doesn't have to divide her loyalties. She really could have the best of both worlds if they would just calm down and stop putting so much pressure on her to write me and my family off. What I can't understand about them is don't they understand that the more pressure they put on her the more she is going to pull towards me? I love her and want a relationship with her very much, but I also want what is best for her and yes in the end that includeds her maintaining a relationship with her aparents. I just wish they wouldn't make it so hard on all of us.

[txrnr]

I love how much respect your show your daughter, and her family, even though amom has not been overly welcoming. One thought that keeps popping into my head though, is how many parents would feel comfortable sending their 18 year old daughter off to visit strangers? I bet most wouldn't like the idea. My guess is, this wouldn't have been a great idea for them to start with. Toss in birthfamily and all those insecurities, and it makes it even harder to deal with.

I know amom hasn't been the best person in all this, but I truly can see her point. A kid doesn't change magically in the one day between 17 and 18.

I hope she gets to come, and spend time with your family. I think it's a great opportunity. I only mean to say I can see why any parent (even when adoption isn't involved) may have concerns.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by txrnr

I love how much respect your show your daughter, and her family, even though amom has not been overly welcoming. One thought that keeps popping into my head though, is how many parents would feel comfortable sending their 18 year old daughter off to visit strangers? I bet most wouldn't like the idea. My guess is, this wouldn't have been a great idea for them to start with. Toss in birthfamily and all those insecurities, and it makes it even harder to deal with.

I know amom hasn't been the best person in all this, but I truly can see her point. A kid doesn't change magically in the one day between 17 and 18.

I hope she gets to come, and spend time with your family. I think it's a great opportunity. I only mean to say I can see why any parent (even when adoption isn't involved) may have concerns.

Totally agree, as I have an 18 year old daughter. I would be VERY concerned. Another thing is I suggest you don't get invovled in the realtionship with her amother. DON't tell her how to act...that is between her and her mother. It is only going to cause MORE confusion for HER.

Maybe this is not a good time to persue this, maybe your bdaughter is not ready for complete immersion into your family yet. She just may blame her adoptive mother..who best to blame. Maybe she is not ready to come alone. 1 is still very young for sme kids.

Please don't push this girl into one thing or another...just let it go until she is ready to do it herself. When she is ready to stand up to amom she will, until then don't add more pressure on her...she doesn't need it at this crucial time in her life.

[Oceans]

My personal feeling is that if your DD wants contact with you then worst thing the adults can do is to start throwing up roadblocks. To me, it is pretty clear that your DD wants to get to know you. I personally believe that the adults in her life ought to be supporting her. If amom thought she was mature enough to come visit at one point then I'm not sure why she would think that now she isn't...

Bottom line, I don't think your DD's maturity is in questions here...

I would try to keep her out of middle tho. I have to ask. Were you planning on seeing your DD while on vacation or just keeping the vacation about the children you are parenting…. Or is it that amom will come if your DD visits you…

[Jennasmom1990]

Oceans...Both my DD and I were planning on spending time together with my other children and my husband while we were on vacation. That is why my husband wants the meeting to take place before we come. Not to mention the fact that my DD says she desperately wants to come over memorial day weekend. I am not pushing her this was all her idea, she wants to meet the extended family. that is all her, not me. But I do agree with my husband that I don't think it should happen somewhere other than where the other children will be comfortable. I thought I had made it very clear to the amom that she needed to come here when the time came to meet the other children. Now she wants to change it simply bc she doesn't want to share my DD with me, and yes those are her exact words. She wants it done while we are on vacation bc she does not want to send her here. Amom simply just does not want her to come here for a visit at all. This is just all so frustrating and confusing and I really starting to second guess if this is the right time for me with this reunion. I am not a fighter and certainly not a confrontational person. and that is all the amom is. She wants to fight and agrue about everything, and I just can't do it. my DD is the weakest link in my existence and I just can't figure out why the amom is so intent on pushing on that weak spot. It is driving me crazy, to say the very least.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

I am not a fighter and certainly not a confrontational person. and that is all the amom is. She wants to fight and agrue about everything, and I just can't do it. my DD is the weakest link in my existence and I just can't figure out why the amom is so intent on pushing on that weak spot. It is driving me crazy, to say the very least.

She's so intent on "pushing that weak spot" because she wants you to go away, IMHO. I've known people who sound a lot like this woman who push all the right buttons to get their own way. And her own way is pretty obvious ~ she doesn't want to share your birth daughter's affections with you. She may be scared deep down, or she may just be a jealous woman...who knows? It sounds like she's succeeding, though, if you're rethinking the timing of the reunion.

IMO, the person who is going to get hurt if you cut off contact is going to be your daughter. She's already met you...she's already developing a relationship with you. It's too late to turn back the clock and return to pre-reunion status. You may just have to bite the bullet here, and let the amom have her own way regarding the vacation. Your daughter will one day be a full-fledged adult and be able to make her own decisions without fearing the fallout with her mom. Just my two cents...

[Jennasmom1990]

Raven...Thank you so much. I know that I can't stop the reunion process at this point, nor do I really want to. However, I can't stand all the battles. it is like this is a game to the amom and my DD is the pawn. And to be honest it is too reminenscent of what went on in that hospital room 18 years ago. My husband absolutely reufuses to give the amom her way on this. He says first and foremost these are my children and she will not dictate to me what she wants where they are concerned. And second, he feels like if we start giving in now will we will set that patteren for the entire relationship that we have with my DD. So my biting the bullet on this is something I am willing to give into, my husband however isnt. And in the end these children are as much his as they are mine, and i won't go against his wishes on this. He is a fantastic father and husband and he is just protecting his babies. He wants my DD to be a part of our family, but in his exact words not at the cost of the emotional well being of children almost half her age. So what to do, what to do? I just don't know

[dpen6]

I say stop. Stop thinking about whats best for you, your raised chidlren(they don't know what it s to be dopted), her amom, or most especially your husband.

You aretaking this young girl and putting conditions on her very existence. Her amom is doing the same. Everyone elses needs and wants are coming before the very one that was adopted. Nevr mind the contest between who gets away with what. Think about hopw this young girl is feeling torn between what she wants/needs and has an amom calling the shots, an husband of her bmom calling the shots and her 1/2 brothers and sisters needs coming before her own.

Until the adults can get it right I think it should all just stop. Don't meet up with her at all. Tell her that you love her but it is not a good time. Tell her she needs to live her life and become an adult without the added [pressure of birthfamlies and adoptive families fighting over her.

Her needs are being lost for everyones elses....

She may tell you she wants to meet up but in all actuality thetesnion and fighting is not GOOD FOR HER at this stage in her life. She has her own life to figure out at this point and does not need the added stress of being the catalyst of tension and upheavel for bith birth and adoptive families. Let her grow some more and gain some confidence so she can speak for herself. So she can truly decide what is best without the added pressure of husbands and raised childrens needs.

Maybe an email corrospondense is best at this time. nothing more. Sometmes being a parent is knowing waht is best for the child.

I really find it laughable thatpeople think 18 is an adult and can porocesswith an adult mind. Theycan't. The brain is not fully devolped until early 20's. Scientific fact. the fact that many birthfamilies use the magic age of 18 as a benchmark is only self serving.

I speak as an adoptee that has felt the anxiety of being a pwn for everyoe else. It is not just her adoptive mother that is treating her like a pawn, it is you and your husband also.

Leave her be.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

I have 3 other children that I am raising, my bdaughter is very excited to meet them. As they are her as well. The problem is the amom doesn't want her to come here to visit with them, she wants to wait until we come to MD for vacation to allow her to meet the other 3 children. My husband is very opposed to this idea bc the orginal agreement was that I would go there to her the first meeting but that when the time comes for my bdaughter to meet my other children she would come here to an environment that they are comfortable in as they are quite a bit younger than she is. We are talking about a 15 y/o, an 11 y/o with high functioning autism, and a 9 y/o. The change happened when my bdaughter's amom found out that we were coming to her area for vacation. In her mind that meant that my bdaughter could meet the other kids without the amom haveing to send her here to do it. It also allows for the amom to try to some whqat control the meeting, which after my visit, I can tell you my children will never be exposed to her. My husband says absolutely no.

Jennasmom,

I completely understand where you are coming from, as my son's amom has tried to control my relationship with him and has done a lot of damage to my relationship with my son. However, she has also damaged her relationship with him as well. It is too bad that she could not see the damage she was doing by holding on so tightly. She complained to my son's wife that "she just couldn't get rid of me!". This, after HER seeking me out when my son was an adult ....

I mention this because I want you to understand that I DO understand and sympathize. I also understand your concern about your other kids and their comfort level. Can I suggest some kind of compromise (and I know it is your husband I need to convince). I understand that your son has autism, and I truly do not know what is entailed to make him comfortable, so please take this suggestion with that in mind. You haven't said so, but I get the feeling that amom would want to be at the meeting with the younger kids if the meeting happens on vacation. Have you thought about maybe meeting with your daughter only (no amom) and your other kids in a park-like setting, or where you go to an event like a ballgame? Something where the focus isn't so much on reunion, where your daughter can play with the kids and just hang out with them - the adults (you and your hubby, no amom), just kind of sit back and let it happen? Almost like a play date? Maybe you could visit a park each day for several days before your daughter meets with you, to build your childrens' comfort level in the setting, and then have your daughter come to meet them?

Also, if this were to take place, the agreement would need to be that your daughter would still come to visit, and I would set the date and make the arrrangements ahead of time. I understand that none of this may be possible, but I thought I would throw this out there.

Amom is hurting herself at this point, but she also has the huge potential to hurt your relationship with your daughter.

And I just have to say that you are NOT strangers. I think it is so sad to hear over and over again that aparents are nervous because their children are going to meet strangers. You are not and have never been a STRANGER to your daughter.

Edited to add: I sent this too quickly. I wanted to say that Dpen has a good point that maybe this is not a good time to pursue in-person reunion if amom is so against it. The pressure amom will put on your daughter is/will be hurtful to her, and she is too young to have to deal with the push/pull between all the parents. I do agree with that.
Good luck to you,

[Oceans]

I am speaking as an adoptee who was denied a reunion that I really wanted...

Her needs are being lost for everyone else’s....

I don't see that all. I see someone who is trying to balance the needs of her DD with those of the rest of her family. Something that must happen if you are to have a healthy reunion IMO...

Leaving her alone or trimming back this reunion will likely hurt her feelings far more than working this out. I'll post more in a minute but I wanted to get that out there... I think you are acting VERY responsibly.

[Jennasmom1990]

Thank you Ocean. I am feeling a little under attack by dpen6. maybe she should read my other posts. I was not the one to make contact. In fact what I have not stated on here at all is when my DD was 9 I was sent a letter via a PI and told she was killed in a bicycle accident, so when that call came through it was a totla shock to all of us. even though my raised children knew I had they were NOT prepared for her to come out of the woodwork, so to speak. So with all that being said how could any claim that I am playing her for a pawn as well?