[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Dpen - I hope you aren't getting annoyed with me because I am really trying to understand your advice/opinion. I'm not trying to be difficult - honest In the end, I think I am confused as to what you think should be done here...

On the one hand, I hear you say she is not mature enough for this reunion (or that it is too hard on her at this point) and there should be a pullback...
OTOH, I here you say that DD's wishes should be honored (which is to spend vacation with her bfamily)...Again, I'm not trying to be argumentative... just trying to understand your point of view...

Oceans,

I do understand your not trying to be argumentative.

I think what I reacted to was the tone of the first few posts. And how it put her daughter immediatly on the defensive. Then I heard how it really was all the amoms doing and really she shouldn't get what she wants.

What I honestly think should be done?

SLOW IT ALL DOWN..for everyones sake. I was thinking about how much has hit ALL of them in a short period of time. I don;t think DD should have gone to them and I also don't think DD should spend their whole vacation with them.

The fact that it has escalated into the amom threatening to through the poor kid out is a huge red flag. Is she right? Of course not but it shows how this kid is being pushed to and fro. Right now she is on a high, wanting to know everything about her birthfamily, naturly, thats normal, but to have this kid go through all of tis is horrible. Somebody needs to gently pull back. I don't mean shur it down. I think the perfect solution is to meet up with her while on vacation. Maybe one night together. You see, this is wheere I agree with the husband, it is their vacation and it is going to emotionally charged. That IS where ALL need to be protected and the only way that can happen is if things are taken very slowly. everyone gets to know each other slowly. To have everyone on vacation all together is sacry...IMO. Nobody has any idea how she is going to react. If in fact she did have a horrible upbringing then when she realizes what she has lost she may go to her knees in pain, she may lash out (normal reaction btw, not because she is bad)....OR she may find the grass is not alwys greener on the other side...whoi know...thats the point...nobody really knows. Nobody knows how bmom will react, will she be filled with sorrow and pain, will husband become angry at the whol thing, will the little ones be caught in the crossfire.

Also the other point that was made about her having to relocate. Who is going to support her in the relocation? Is she going to live with bfamily? How is that going to pan out..you really are basically stangers to each other. If in fact she starts to act her age...18...impulsive, self absorbed..not alawys thinking about tomorrow is everyone going to have the right tools to deal or will everyone just get angry at her for being who she is...who is going to ssuport her as she is floundering through that maze.

actually what I am saying is that she MAY be to immature, may not be...it may be the best thing in the world for her. My point is to try to see it from her prepecstive and not the mothers and fathers and other childre. I am NOT minimzing them at all, I do understand the concrns but it seemed to me that everyone elses concerns were being put in front of hers.

Is there any question of abuse physical or other wise that would make it better for he child to leave the adoptive family...if so then it may be necessary other wise she should stay put until she matures more and is ON HER OWN be able to continue with the relationship and decide whats is best for her. AS it stands now..IMO..she is being told how to do this from both families....

If it can be taking slower everyone can get to know each other, relationships can be formed based upon mutual respect as opposed to resentments that one is being pushed on way or the other

[Oceans]

Dpen - Gotcha - I think on all points AND I agree with you.

The vacation time should be limited as a plan. Maybe more time can happen but JM will have to see how the initial meeting goes including amoms pressure on DD - if it's too much then back to plan A. I couldn't agree more that there is a lot at stake for DD.

As far as relocation goes... I hope that was just DD lashing out at her mom which 18yo's do when pushed (or threatened). It's a shame she was put into this position to begin with (by amom). I don't think enouraging her to openly defy amom is a good idea and feel safe in saying that is NOT the case here... Let's face it, if 7 days on vacation is too much, converting the guest room to permanet quarters is certainly over the top...

DD and amom need to heal their relationship and I think (from some of the original posts) JM is trying to encourage that... Other than stay out of it and control the speed of this reunion (set boundaries), not much more that she can do...

Good convo tho...

[RavenSong]

Hi, Donna...

I think I understand what you're trying to say about the emotional vulnerabilities of the young adoptee, and I agree that they often feel as if they're in a tug-of-war of sorts. Feelings of loyalty and guilt are powerful emotions for anybody to handle...

The past couple days, I've been thinking a lot about how many adoptees I've heard on these boards say that they wouldn't have been able to handle reunion when they were in early adulthood. Which is curious to me, since I've helped facilitate reunion with many young adoptees and their birthparents over the years. And most of these reunions have been successful in the long term. I can only think of one that didn't work out, mainly due to the young man's very serious drug addiction and violent sociopathy...he ended up in prison. I have never been told by a reunited adoptee that they regretted meeting their birthparents when they were only 18 or 19 or 20 years old. I've never heard one say, "I wish I had waited until I was 25 or 30 or 35."

Every adopted person who has ever told me they wouldn't have been able to handle reunion at 18-25 years of age didn't reunite with their birthparents until they were in their late 20's or during their 30's. What I'm wondering is how do you really know that you would not have been capable of handling reunion at the age 18 or 19? You're looking back in hindsight at what you remember about yourself at that age. But are you really selling yourself short?

I look back at my own life at those ages, and I'm amazed I was able to handle the things that I did. At 17 years of age, I was mature enough to take proper care of myself and my unborn child and then deal with the emotional aftermath following relinquishment. At 20 years of age, I was old enough to deal with the deaths of several friends I dearly loved. At 21 years of age, I was old enough to deal with the brutal trauma of being raped by three men and left for dead behind a garbage can in an alley. What I'm trying to say is that we all rise to the occasion. You'd be amazed at what young people can really handle. I know that if those events had never happened to me and someone asked me today if I would have been able to handle them as a young adult, I would say, "no way". Does that make sense??

I don't believe that there is a "magic" age that means we've transitioned from adolescence to adulthood. I remember when I became pregnant at 16 and had to talk to my boyfriend's mother. When I told her and her husband (bdad's stepfather) how much I loved him (and had for almost three years by then), her husband said that a 16-year-old wasn't capable of "true" love. He was wrong, dead wrong. I am 53 years old now, and I can honestly say that I loved that man with all my heart all the days of his life. Teenagers don't have "unreal" emotions compared to adults. Children and teenagers have to deal with very real emotionally charged situations every single day, things like divorce, abuse, molestation, drug addiction, death, love, hate, etc.

I just find it really interesting that I've never encountered anybody who actually reunited at a young age who later said they regretted it. I've only heard older adoptees who reunited at later ages say that they wouldn't have been able to handle it at a young age. And once again I say, how do you know if you didn't actually experience it?

[Jackiejdajda]

And then there is the question of...
When is it the best time to reunite?

Is it after we have married and or found a partner?
What if our loved ones cannot handle a reunion?.. want no one else in their lives or family.. are set in their ways so to speak..

I think this applies to my family on terms of me reuniting at 34 years after the relinquishment..

Its easy to say this person is way too young.. and heck its easy to pass judgement from a keyboard..



Jennasmom

Jackie, see that is the thing my bdaughter is ready to meet the rest of my family. The amom just doesn't want to share her enough to let her do it. I have told my bdaughter that she is going to have to be the one to stand up to her amom on this. I can't do it for her, she needs her amom to know that it is something she wants to do for her, not for me.

Says it all to me.

Jackie

[Dickons]

My second two cents worth...

I got what Dpen was saying from the start...probably because as an adoptee, I feel those same type of whispers inside my soul that no matter how logical you are in real life, those whispers take that all away and cannot be silenced for long...if my mother did not love me how could anyone else love me...if I make everyone happy it will be okay...one day my mother will find me...there must be something wrong with me...

Dpen was trying to give her opinion on how the adoptee may be hurt in ways the other members of the triad may not even pick up on, because us adoptees are really good at making sure everyone else is happy and see us being happy.

I thought I would get the same response as Dpen's, Raven and Oceans replies to me took those worries away.

This is what makes this board such good therapy for all of us...we can get everything out and there are enough views to end up learning more about humanity and growing in our own souls.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[dpen6]

Dickons,

Thank you!
Just want to be heard, not really for me as I am an old adult adoptee now....LOL...but really for the younger ones...although alot of this for me has not cropped up until a few years ago...it is very subtle.

Raven I do want to respond to your post but I am really tired and as you have probusly noticed I have a gentically induced problem with typing and spelling( I think its gentaic..gotta blame someone!!!) LOl.

[kakuehl]

Dpen, Are you sure you're not my daughter? The more tired I become, the worse my typing mistakes become!LOL

I think sometimes that 18 is about the worst age for contact with bfamily. Many mothers (adoptive or biological) have trouble with the "empty nest syndrome." Some of us are better than others at letting go as our children become independent adults. If you add the fear of "losing" that child to another set of "parents", it leads to a really emotional time for the amom. I'm sure there are many successful "reunions" at that age; I just see lots of emotion floating around.

I always felt it was D's choice of whether or not to contact me. I tried to make it easy for him to find me if he wanted. (The agency his parents used closed and he never got the letter I wrote.) When I did locate him, I actually found his parents first. They gave him the info and then the decision was his. He has said, that our reunion was much smoother than it would have been when he was 18 or even 25.

Even though he was almost 33 when we met, his mom was still uneasy about the reunion. It's taken time, but she's much more comfortable with our presence in their lives. D has made it clear that she is his mother, no matter what, and I think that has helped.

JM, my advice always is, take some slow, deep breathes; let the tension roll off your shoulders (relax those tight muscles!). Take each day as it comes and try to keep everything as lowkey as possible.