[Dickons]

I have to comment and am sure some will not like my comments but...

"My daughter is 18 an adult now, if she wants to come bad enough she will stand up to her amom and tell her that. Am I afraid that we she won't or can't? of course but I also know I can not and will not do this for her. She wants me to treat her like and adult, and so she must show the actions of an adult. she has to fight that battle on her own...she can't expect her mommy to rush in and save her from her other mommy".

...imagine having someone fighting to have a relationship with me...hmmmm...YES!

"Only she can that, she has a rocky relationship with her amom at best. The amom is a right fighter and she is a no holds bar type person. I can't go up against her and quite frankly I just dont want to".

...imagine having grown up with a 'right fighter'...years of it...18 to be exact...I cannot imagine

"Everytime I have tried to talk to her and tell her where I am coming from it becomes a tremendous war. I am not a born fighter...I am a peacemaker...so it is not that I don't love my daughter bc I dearly do. But she has to do this on her own, and I guess I hae made peace with the fact that if it is important enough for her she will do it... and if it isn't then she won't".

...whose genes does she share...the 'right fighter' or the 'peacemaker'...important to her? YES...but what if she is a 'peacemaker' like her mother?...remember what it was like as a teenager?...now add in the fear of rejection that most of us adoptees feel to the soul of a 'peacemaker'...and never believe it is not important to her but if you cannot stand up because you are a 'peacemaker' how do you expect your daughter to?

"And if she doesn't then I will accept that (yes it will hurt) is her choice and I will just continue to do what I am doing which is to be there for her when she needs me. But I do hope in the end that if she makes the choice to not come that she is adult enough in her emotions to understand that the consequences are going to be great".

...unfair...she has 'accepted' as much as she can at that age, that she was put up for adoption...how much do you expect her to accept?

"She is the one that will ahve to live and deal with the idea of me and my family being only 10 miles away from her for 14 days, and her not having very much or no interaction with me at all. those are going to be the consequences of her choice, and to be honest that is just the way it has to be. My husband won't give and frankly I totally understand his point, and if she isnt ready to stand up to her amom then I am in a corner that I have to live with. So you see this is not just about the adoptee getting her way or my husband getting his way. this is about trying to bring an entire family together without someone getting hurt".

...someone will get hurt...NO...everyone is already hurting...find a way to be the hero here!

"My husband has stated his case to my bdaughter, and she says that she completely understands and that she will talk to the amom. So I will wait to see what comes next...what else can I do. I am caught in the middle between my bdaughter that I love and my husband and other children that I love, and truly I am so confused now that I am not even sure I know what the right thing is".

...finding a win win solution...that is the hardest job of all but there has to be a way...

...I would dearly love for someone to fight for me...at 18 I knew it all, but knew nothing...some really good suggestions have been put forward, you are struggling but perhaps you need to stand up for your child with unconditional love and convince your husband that a compromise can work.

I hope you find a way to meet while you are on vacation...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[RavenSong]

Dickons, you really should have been a psychotherapist...or a minister ~ your insights are always so amazing and true. I love how your mind works! And I love your last post, it has much truth in it.

Originally Posted by Dickons

...whose genes does she share...the 'right fighter' or the 'peacemaker'...important to her? YES...but what if she is a 'peacemaker' like her mother?...remember what it was like as a teenager?...now add in the fear of rejection that most of us adoptees feel to the soul of a 'peacemaker'...and never believe it is not important to her but if you cannot stand up because you are a 'peacemaker' how do you expect your daughter to?

This passage really opened my eyes about what this 18-year-old girl is feeling. Thanks for sharing your perspective from her eyes with us.

[Dickons]

Raven,

Thank you for posting, I worried all day that I had been too harsh but I really felt I needed to try to give an honest perspective of how the adoptee may be stuck in the middle.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Oceans]

Dickons - Not Harsh at all.... Excellent points.

[Jennasmom1990]

Ok just an update for everyone. I finally talk to my bdaughter and explained to her that I wasnt sure she was ready to make this trip. After an awful lot of trying to convince me that she was, she finally broke down and told me that her adoptive mom told her that if she comes here for a visit then she can not return to live with her. So of course that terrified her, and made her start rethinking the whole trip. So I spoke with my husband and expalined it all to him, although he is not happy about it he has agreed to find a reasonable compromise for her getting to meet the other children while we are on vacation. He "laid" down his thoughts, expectations, and stipulations to both me and my bdaughter. She agreed that it was definitely something she could live with, has since told the amom what the situation was, and that she could either deal with it or she would be coming here for a visit even if it meant a permanate relocation. The amom was not happy about being cut out of the meeting, but did finally consent. So that is where we stand now...I am hoping the amom will stay true to her word and sit back and allow it to happen the way it has been planned. Of course only time will tell but I have great hope with this. thanks all...

[dpen6]

This poor child

[Jennasmom1990]

dpen6...please stop it!!! She is not the only child involved. We all feel like we have come to a happy compromise, and she is very excited about meeting the other kids. I know she is the only relinquished child, but that does not make her feelings any more important than my other children. She sought me out and I have tried very hard to let her know she is wanted and loved, and she has made it very clear that she wants this as well. So instead of making her a victim, let her be a person who is standing up for what she wants...and that means she is standing up to both the amom and myself. I can tell you she sure wouldnt like the idea of being made out to be a victim...

[dpen6]

The law has been laid down or her from both afamily and spouse of bmother. She is being pushed and pulled.threateneded to lose her home because she wants to meet siblings, then is told this is the way it has to be because her siblings could get hurt by her. she is dangerous?

Its either everyone elses way or the highway.she has no other choice if she wants to meet her siblings...thats sad...she is not a victim but some day she will figure out how she has been manipulated to others bidding. No her feelings are not the most important but she has the most to lose.

I really hope it works for all of you..and I truly wish you all good luck. I hope I am very wrong in my perception of this....

[Oceans]

Dpen... From everything I know and have read, I would agree with you IF you were talking to this girl's adoptive Mom. Amom has ever right to feel what she feel's. She has every right to express those concerns to Jennasmom (with exception of derogatory "baby maker" type comments). I question her judgment when she starts threatening her DD with her home. That makes my stomach turn...

That puts the ball in Jennasmom court. Either end the relationship, give into every wish of her adaughter and sacrifice her parented children’s comfort and emotional health over the situation, or compromise.

I believe that turning her DD away from a reunion that DD wants and is actively seeking has the potential (even likelihood) of creating more abandonment issues - not good. Nor is putting her parented children into a situation from which they can not get "time off". On vacation, her kids can't go to their own rooms, or play at a friends house if they need a break to process. It's not a matter of being "dangerous" it's a matter looking out for the emotional well being of her parented children. Would you take your young kid on vacation and expose them 24/7 to an instant sister without the opportunity for break? It's a gamble... They may get along great they may not but EVERYONE will need downtime until a relationship has been established IMO...

A compromise is what's needed here and that's what I see is happening. Jennasmom is not saying that you can't meet the family, DD just can't meet the family and stay for a week - the time will be limited (correct me if I'm wrong Jennasmom).

If an 18 year old hasn't learned the lessons of compromise, well then I'm sorry, it's time. Visiting Jennasmom's home is off the table at this point unless DD can work it out with her amom. Jennasmom can't fight that battle (it wouldn't work anyway). Her DD just needs to decide what she is willing to accept...

At least that's the way I see it...

[dpen6]

oceans,

I agree to a point. What the amom did makes my stomach turn also. I do undeerstand that this young girl wants to meet her siblings but what makes me nervous is the attiude of the spouse and the "laying down of the law" type attiude. This child....18 is still very much a teen with a teens mindset. Look at how other stories of reunion have done to ADULT adoptees and birthmothers. I often see how bfamilies will say 18 is legel they "should" be mature enough but many are not. Many are still in the devolpmental stage of finding themselves. Add on the stress and confusion of a stressful reunion...no matter how much either parent claims to love them they have NO idea of what this can do to the young adoptee.

I really beleive that in many cases(not all) the adoptee should have the added years and experiance to bring into a reunion.

What I saw as a optin was to wait until the child is able to support herself, have the maturity to deal with her younger sibs, and be able to have this realtionship on a more level playing fied.

Your talking like this 18 year old is learning normal life lessons as in the lessons of compromise..what you are not understanding is that this 18 year old has learned rejection at an early age and now has to be in the middle of a compromise. do you reallybeleive that she is parry on the same level as the spouse? Of course not, he and her bmom at the same age as her friends parents...there is a level of fear there. If you don't think thats happening then you don't know 18 yo...I do.....have had 3 and will have 2 more.

All Iwould like to see is that HER situation-minis the amoms feelings, minus the bmoms feelings and the understanding the 6weeks is nothng...ths child could get very hurt. What if sibs don't like her? What if spouse doesn't like her? Again she is left with nothing because nobody stopped and said "Wait..maybe we are going to fast here and everyone needs to take stock of what each wants out of therealtionship and how the future pans out for this YOUNG DEVOLPING girl. Again she has the most to lose. The spouse, bmom, amom and sibls will go on with their lifes...her life is being torn upside down. YES, she asked for it....many teens ask for things that are not good for them. MAYBE it will be good for her...but the focus needs to be on her and how it will affect her FIRST..she has aready lost and has more to lose...how much can she take?

[Jennasmom1990]

Oceans...I love you!! Thank you for being so understanding...u are the best!!!

[Oceans]

Dpen - I don't totally disagree with you either so we are making head way here

I agree that all 18 year olds aren't ready for reunion - for all the reasons you state. Other's are... In this case, I see it as more the amom isn't ready for reunion. THAT would be a whole different topic if amom had not initiated contact in the first place - which she did.

Keep in mind until 6 weeks ago Jennamom thought her DD was dead for the past 9 years because the aparents sent her a letter telling her so. Jennasmom didn't start this... The amom did. Whether or not DD is ready, it IS what she is dealing with here.

As far as DH "laying down the law" I don't see that at all. In fact, I am glad JM (Jennasmom) has a voice of reason in her life right now. If I were JM, I would be out of mind with JOY knowing that my DD was alive, wanted a relationship, and wanted to know her half brothers and sister (again correct me if I wrong on your thought process here). I wouldn't be thinking straight about my reunion and would probably agree to 100% vacation time because I would hope that we would all be an instant family....

Hubby is a voice of reason when it comes to the children she is parenting and I think a good one. I agree that the younger kids should be introduced to this reunion instead of immersed in it.

What if sibs don't like her? What if spouse doesn't like her? Again she is left with nothing because nobody stopped and said "Wait..maybe we are going to fast here and everyone needs to take stock of what each wants out of therealtionship and how the future pans out for this YOUNG DEVOLPING girl.

And allowing DD to spend 24/7 vacation time with her birthfamily IS going too fast for everyone. A few days visiting is one thing.... an expectation of 7 days, is too much without a prior test drive if you ask me. Limiting exposure will probably preserve everyone’s feeling and increase the likelihood of her sibs and DH "liking" her - and vice versa. Not to mention the 24/7 exposure to watching JM parent other children. That has the potential of being VERY triggering if you ask me...

Again she has the most to lose. The spouse, bmom, amom and sibls will go on with their lives...her life is being torn upside down. YES, she asked for it....many teens ask for things that are not good for them. MAYBE it will be good for her...but the focus needs to be on her and how it will affect her FIRST..she has already lost and has more to lose...how much can she take?

I wont go on about the bmom - as one myself I can only tell you that JM has A LOT to lose as well. And yes, teens ask for stuff that is not good for them but JM had nothing to do with that. It is debatable as to whether this reunion should have happened in the first place - not so much b/c of DD but because her amom was not ready and her amom is a big part of her life right now. I honestly (for the life of me) do not see why amom went down this path in the first place given the feelings she does... but that ship has sailed.

How much can DD take? I don't think she can take pullback for the next X number of years - at least not right now - this is too new... Nor do I think DD (anyone really) can take 24/7 exposure without a prior introduction. I also don't think she can take rejection by her sibs (or DH). That's why I think limited exposure is a good comprimise - even tho it is NOT what DD wants...

What I wish is that amom would seek out some counceling from someone who understands reunions and adoptee feelings about their bparents (when they have them) so that amom would have the tools to handle this better vrs threating to kick her DD out of the house. That what I wish...

[Sherr34]

Jennasmom,
I feel for you! I am 35 yrs old and just recently found my birth mother and will be meeting her face to face for the first time later this month. But that comes with a little bit of control from my amom who has always been controlling. i am flying home on the 17th and my parents have two vehicles and you would think that they would let me use one to go and meet my birth mother while I am there. Well no We have to rent a car. Which I think is a little crazy. She is doing this because she wants some type of control with the situation and I had to learn at a young age to be a people pleaser towards my amom because oh if she didnt get her way she would get mad.
I feel for your daughter as well. As I have a very controlling mother.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Dpen - I don't totally disagree with you either so we are making head way here

Differnce of opinions and discussing them can only bring knowledge.

I agree that all 18 year olds aren't ready for reunion - for all the reasons you state. Other's are... In this case, I see it as more the amom isn't ready for reunion. THAT would be a whole different topic if amom had not initiated contact in the first place - which she did.
DD is not responsible for her amoms stupidty
amom was wrong to do that but whatever was in the amom head s still not the important factor here...it is the ability of her daughter to deal with it. This is not about amom vs bmom...or family...it is about the one that adoption most impacts. to her very core of who she is.

Keep in mind until 6 weeks ago Jennamom thought her DD was dead for the past 9 years because the aparents sent her a letter telling her so. Jennasmom didn't start this... The amom did. Whether or not DD is ready, it IS what she is dealing with here.

Doesn't matter who started it here....someone has to look out for her daughter. someone has to stand back and protect her. It is very important to know how to proceed if there is a question of daughter not being ready. It is a very important question for the well being of this young lady to grow with a good sense of herself. If in fact amom dropped the ball(lordy we are talking about a young girls life here) and was self absorbed I would hope that her bmom would have the sense to look at it from a mothers viewpoint, just like she takes care of her other chidren she needs to try to see the best way for this child.

As far as DH "laying down the law" I don't see that at all. In fact, I am glad JM (Jennasmom) has a voice of reason in her life right now. If I were JM, I would be out of mind with JOY knowing that my DD was alive, wanted a relationship, and wanted to know her half brothers and sister (again correct me if I wrong on your thought process here). I wouldn't be thinking straight about my reunion and would probably agree to 100% vacation time because I would hope that we would all be an instant family....

Hubby is a voice of reason when it comes to the children she is parenting and I think a good one. I agree that the younger kids should be introduced to this reunion instead of immersed in it.

yes, that could be good..who is her DD voice of reason? Are the adults able to put there own fears and insecurites aside for ALL the children..including the adopted one or is he only thinking about waht this is doing to his children and his family..if so then again the adoptee has no one in their corner..in fact cant anyone understand how that would make someone fee(let alone an 18 year old.


And allowing DD to spend 24/7 vacation time with her birthfamily IS going too fast for everyone. A few days visiting is one thing.... an expectation of 7 days, is too much without a prior test drive if you ask me. Limiting exposure will probably preserve everyone’s feeling and increase the likelihood of her sibs and DH "liking" her - and vice versa. Not to mention the 24/7 exposure to watching JM parent other children. That has the potential of being VERY triggering if you ask me... I wont go on about the bmom - as one myself I can only tell you that JM has A LOT to lose as well. And yes, teens ask for stuff that is not good for them but JM had nothing to do with that. It is debatable as to whether this reunion should have happened in the first place - not so much b/c of DD but because her amom was not ready and her amom is a big part of her life right now. I honestly (for the life of me) do not see why amom went down this path in the first place given the feelings she does... but that ship has sailed.

How much can DD take? I don't think she can take pullback for the next X number of years - at least not right now - this is too new... Nor do I think DD (anyone really) can take 24/7 exposure without a prior introduction. I also don't think she can take rejection by her sibs (or DH). That's why I think limited exposure is a good comprimise - even tho it is NOT what DD wants...

What I wish is that amom would seek out some counceling from someone who understands reunions and adoptee feelings about their bparents (when they have them) so that amom would have the tools to handle this better vrs threating to kick her DD out of the house. That what I wish..
I am thinking everyone needs counseling...not just the amom.

I have bolded my response to some of your comments within the quote.

Sorry..don't know how to do theother...have been told but don't remember!!!!!

[Oceans]

Dpen - I hope you aren't getting annoyed with me because I am really trying to understand your advice/opinion. I'm not trying to be difficult - honest In the end, I think I am confused as to what you think should be done here...

On the one hand, I hear you say she is not mature enough for this reunion (or that it is too hard on her at this point) and there should be a pullback...

someone has to look out for her daughter. someone has to stand back and protect her. It is very important to know how to proceed if there is a question of daughter not being ready. It is a very important question for the well being of this young lady to grow with a good sense of herself. If in fact amom dropped the ball(lordy we are talking about a young girls life here) and was self absorbed I would hope that her bmom would have the sense to look at it from a mothers viewpoint, just like she takes care of her other chidren she needs to try to see the best way for this child.

OTOH, I here you say that DD's wishes should be honored (which is to spend vacation with her bfamily)...

yes, that could be good..who is her DD voice of reason? Are the adults able to put there own fears and insecurites aside for ALL the children..including the adopted one or is he only thinking about waht this is doing to his children and his family..if so then again the adoptee has no one in their corner..in fact cant anyone understand how that would make someone fee(let alone an 18 year old.

Again, I'm not trying to be argumentative... just trying to understand your point of view...