[SleepyInSeattleWA]

Hi everyone!! My name is Catherine and I am new to these boards. My husband and I were both adopted when we were babies. I had telephone/mail contact with (but did not actually meet) my birthmother about 10 years ago. Long story short, she wanted more of a relationship than I was willing or able to have.

Fast forward 10 years. My husband was contacted by a social worker from the state where he was born about 3 moths ago. The social worker said that my husband's birthmother was trying to find him. He said that she was interested in finding out how my husband was doing, giving him any info he wants on his health, and possibly having what the social worker called a "casual friendship."

My husband told the social worker he was definitely interested in his health history and general background info such as ethnic and religious heritage. He also told the social worker about my adoption and less-than-pleasant reunion experience and said that because of what happened to me he was reluctant to divulge any identifying info about himself. The social worker then told my husband that he already had a letter written by my husband's birthmother and that he would send it to him.

My husband decided that for now he is most comfortable exchanging letters through the social worker. He replied to the letter his birthmother sent and was very careful not to lead her on in the letter in that he did not promise her anything and signed the letter "your friend." His birthmother wrote back, signing her letter "Your friend AND mother." She also referred to him as "my son" in her letter. My husband remarked that this doesn't "sound like someone who is just interested in a casual friendship." He also said he wouldn't feel so weird about it if she had used the terms "birthson" and "birthmother" instead. I DO wonder why the social worker would use the phrase "casual friendship" when her letters hint that she feels otherwise. He received this letter over a month ago and has yet to reply to it.

The state where my husband was born allows him to request a de-identified copy of his adoption records which includes his health history and other general information. He has requested this and says he wants to wait until he receives it and looks it over before he replies to the second letter from his birthmother.

So what I am asking is...

1. Is it normal for my husband to be primarily interested in getting only information from his birthmother or is he scaring himself off based on my own negative experience?

2. Is it wrong/unfair for my husband (or any adult adoptee) to only want his personal history?

3. Is normal for his birthmother to refer to him as "her son"/"your mother?"

4. How would you handle it if your birthmother used language you felt was inappropriate or made you feel uncomfortable in a letter?

Thanks--
Catherine :-)

[curiositykitten]

1. I don't think that it's abnormal to only want information from a birth mother, but I don't think that he should base his opinion of this, on your experience. Plenty of people have more positive experiences.

2. It's not wrong or unfair. It's whatever he is comfortable with.

3. I'm sure that all these years his birthmother thought of him as her son and she his mother. It's just possible that she isn't familiar with using the right terms that he is comfortable with.

4. I think that I would just be very clear, and say, I'm not sure how I feel about this, and I want you to know that I'd be comfortable if you called me xxx and if I could call you xxx. There's nothing wrong with being upfront about how you feel.

Good luck!

[JustPeachy]

1. Is it normal for my husband to be primarily interested in getting only information from his birthmother or is he scaring himself off based on my own negative experience?

Some adult adoptees only want basic info, while others want a full-fledged reunion. Each person is different. However, only he can determine if his decision for info only is based on your negative experience. Have you asked him, and what was his response?


2. Is it wrong/unfair for my husband (or any adult adoptee) to only want his personal history?

No, but if he only wants personal history, I think that he should be very clear that that is all he is seeking.

3. Is normal for his birthmother to refer to him as "her son"/"your mother?"

I always have considered my son "my son." When I refer to him to friends/family, I say "my son." However, when I write to him or his parents (we have a semi-open situation), I always call him by his first name. I would never refer to him directly as "my son" unless and until he tells me he is comfortable with me calling him this. I have never referred to myself as "your mother." I've referred to myself in correspondence as a birthmother, but not signed anything "your birthmother." I sign my first name. When/if he wants to refer to me as "mom" or "mother," I will use that terminology. In my mind, I am his mother who carried him and gave birth to him and will always be his biological mother. I feel his amom is his primary mother, though, as she raised him and is the woman that he considers as his mother. I hope one day that he will accept me as his "other mother" but I won't know how he feels until we have that conversation.

I can't say what is or isn't normal. I can only tell you how I feel and that is one of many opinions, I am sure!


4. How would you handle it if your birthmother used language you felt was inappropriate or made you feel uncomfortable in a letter?

I am a birthmother, but if I were an adoptee and my birthmother used language I was not comfortable with I would tell her kindly but directly that I am not comfortable with that. It's not necessarily "wrong" or "abnormal," but if it creates uncomfortable feelings in your husband, he should be honest with her. He should determine what he is comfortable with having her call him, and ask her to call him that.

[SleepyInSeattleWA]

Thanks for the suggestions you both gave me. I posted this in another forum and someone there pointed out that my husband should simply ask his birthmother why she is using language that sounds like she wants a mother/son relationship when he has made it clear through the social worker that he is really not interested in anything more than a friendship.

Like both of you I am of the opinion that being open and direct while being careful not to say anything deliberately hurtful is the best way to handle this.

Thanks for your replies! :-)