[proudasis]

My brother found his family recently. I have been in regular contact with his mom, and she is absolutely wonderful! I want to meet the family someday. My brother has already done the f2f with his family.

Now I am beginning to have fears. I worry that my brother wishes he didn't come to our family. I worry that he resents being raised in the LDS church, which was so mean to him at times. I worry that because he has found his mom, he will begin to wonder what life would have been like with her and his siblings rather than with us. I worry my brother will begin to wish THEY were his only family.

I love my brother so much, and am so thankful that he is my brother. I can't imagine my life without him. But his mom had to live the reality without him for 30 plus years, and I know it is painful for her too. I feel so selfish even having these fears. My hope is that my brotheer feels he has a bigger family now, and will still want to be a part of ours. I worry about losing him.

My brother is amazing. His mom is amazing. I am SO happy we finally found her. We have been wanting to meet her, and have been praying to find her for so long. And, it's such a blessing that she is willing to have a relationship with us - and that she has made my brother so happy.

I also have fears because I have always wanted other siblings. in a way, now I have some, but I know they are really my brother's, not mine. I don't know what to call them. What if my brother connects with his sister more than he does me? What if he wishes they were his only siblings, and his life had turned out different?

The fears are starting to surface, and I am worried they are starting to over ride my joy. Is this normal??

[dpen6]

AH honey,

you sound so scared and love it thatt you love your brother so much. It might get confusing from here on in for you but because it wll be for him too. Nobody can ever take away the shared experiances you have had with your brother. Its the childhood experiances that he has to look back on and remember. I'm thinking you will stay important to him.

[loveajax]

Proud...First of all, I am so glad your brother is having a successful reunion.

I can only speak for those I know, but DH is adopted as are his two siblings. My SIL reunited with her birth mom several years back and it was a wonderful reunion. But it never, ever changed how she felt about her parents and her brothers, if that makes sense (in fact, oddly, after her birth mom died, she feels a little "weird" and "guilty" that she really has nothing in common with her bio sister).

I am sure your brother is very glad to have your support and will love you as much as (or more than) ever. He may need a little "space" sometimes to juggle things and, if so, remember that is temporary and is no reflection on you/your relationship. Good luck!

[proudasis]

Thank you for validating my fear. I also love what you said about our shared experiences being something that can't be taken away. I appreciate your insight.

[proudasis]

loveajax - Thank you! I am glad you mentioned him needing space. I need to keep that in mind. I like what you said about it not being a reflection on our relationship.

[Oceans]

Hey Proud - Just wanted to say that I was a part of a brady bunch family and we ranged from age 4-10 at the time - 5 of us. Anyway I can safely say that none of us siblings would trade the "what if it never happened" scenerio for what we have. Not at 20, 30 or even <gulp> 40. The shared experiences and bonds just run too deep. So for what it's worth, don't think you have ANY worries there!!

I also wanted to say how cool is it that you are sharing in this experience with your brother and his birthmom!!! I think that's awesome... I really do.

Don't let anything get in the way of your JOY!

[proudasis]

Oceans, thank you. Your post brought some comfort to me. You may be right in saying that the bond runs too deep. My brother and I are so different, and were not close growing up. We are becoming closer now, and have more in common as adults. I think this whole experience will just take some time to sort out. Thanks again for your words of comfort and HOPE.

[Oceans]

I have one brother I wasn't close to growing up - it was more of an age thing I guess... We never attended the same school together - we were never enemies by any stretch but never friends either - never hung out together... As adults we too have become much closer. The sibling I was very close to growing up, is the one I talk to the least today. More about growing up, having our own lives, and yes, we are all very different but here's the thing....

We all know how Mom can be <rolling eyes>
We all know what bugs the heck out of Dad, laugh about it and occasionally still try to push his buttons - to see if we still can...
We all remember the trips to Disneyland..
We all remember the family dog, how we got him, the day he died etc...

No one else has the collective memories of our family, from our perspective (a child and then teen), like my siblings and me. The good and the bad.

You have this with your brother and nothing will ever change that. You are an anchor to him as much as he is to you. It will take time to sort through all the reunion stuff but no one can ever replace you in his life... no one

[SuddenlySusan]

Dear Proud Asis,

I can only tell you how things are in our reunion, and I understand that not all reunions are like ours. But, I can say that I have come to love my son's asis and feel that she is very much a part of our family. It must be hard trying to figure out what we are to each other... what do we call each other? I kind of see things in a tribal sense... in our reunited family, there are: children, cousins, aunts/uncles, parents, and elders. If you were my son's asis, I'd say: choose any one of these roles that you feel comfortable with, just as long as you knew that you were part of our family. Until then, we'll just call you "cuz."

I have yet to find a helpful book that talks about brothers and sisters in reunion. But, here's a link to how things are going in our reunion, and also some posts from others who are experiencing a "big love" kind of reunion.

Big Love...

Best wishes in your reunion with your extended family. I'm sure everything will be fine... it's all a little awkward at first, but love and kindness will show the way.

Peace,
Susan

[kune]

proudasis
I understand your fears, and I think they are very normal emotions that you are feeling. But as others have pointed out, your brother is your brother. And any people associated with him are part of your family because you are his sister - have been from the first time you laid eyes on him, and will be forever.

Think about what it will be like when he marries. His wife will be part of your family, and so will his children and his inlaws. Family isn't necessarily a blood tie - it's a love connection- he knows you be heart - he trust you to always be there (as you do him) You are both part of the "whole".

Ann

[proudasis]

Susan, This is a wonderful post, and I thank you from the botton of my heart for it.

I like the idea of a tribe. I would like to think of myself as the sister / daughter member. I actually feel sometimes like calling my brother's mom, "mom." It's funny to see the look on people's faces as I say, "my brother's mom..." and they try to figure out why I am not just calling her "mom." I don't like to go into the whole "well, he's adopted and in reunion, and yadda yadda." It's such a blessing to be getting to know her. I feel like I have known her for forever, even though we haven't "met" yet.

I have decided over the last few weeks just to let things go, and not worry about the things over which I have no control. I have actually tucked it away and haven't worried about it for a while. My brother and I love each other, and regardless of how we got here, we will always be family.

You are right, love and kindness will lead the way....and it already has. I am so lucky to be a part of this family. So much love...

love and hugs,
sis

[efokes]

I have one sister from my adoptive family and although life has put her on one coast and me on the other and we are always so busy with life that we don't have much contact, I have one thing to say. She is my sister. She will always be the sister of my heart, she was the sister that I grew up with. No one could ever replace her and I love her even more now that I have had contact with my other siblings.

Please don't ever fear being replaced. There is no way to replace love that one has had an entire lifetime.

[JustPeachy]

I think initially with a reunion, everyone is shaken up. You wonder if your position in the family will be the same or if you will be cast aside for something "different" or "better." I have the same fears, but from a different angle, wondering if my child will prefer his bfather over me, his bsiblings, what if he or his parents don't like me, etc. I think as the dust settles, these issues will also settle. It's just now the intital fears of the unknown are being stirred up.

[jrainbow]

From one proudasis to another,
My family was brought together with love - just the way it was meant to be. I was adopted as a baby, have a younger sister adopted as a baby, and then SURPRISE, here came my brother. As you can tell, none of us are blood relatives - but we are all siblings. My sister and I have both reunited with bmoms - and since we shared my brother's parents for 50 years - we are sharing our bparents now. I can truly say, without reservation, that no matter how good my reunion is with bfamily - it doesn't take anything away from my afamily. My afamily is my family - PERIOD. No one can change the memories and the love we have for each other. We have not always been close - but when push comes to shove, we are there for each other.

Don't worry - I'm sure your brother can not imagine life without you as his sister and no one can ever take your place in his heart. There is always room in life for more love.

Enjoy!