[dpen6]

nobody should "Call the shots" in a relationship. It needs to be built on mutual respect for each other DIFFERNT experiances. What i have seen often in reunions is bmothers that rush in twith proclamations of love and how the adoption has hurt them so. What I feel bmoms need to understand in terms of the adoptee is that some adoptee will feel that that is smothering and may want to run the other way. Bmoms became bmoms when they had alrready gone through the devolpmental stages of childhood. There idenity is arleady been made in terms of where they came from and how parents and family have impacted there lives(exept adoptee bmoms)Adopte people have been adopted their whole lives, some one else WAS mother, someone ELSE was father, brother, sister. WhThere it was for the good or the bad it was a fact. No judgement, no competion for who had it the worst. The experiance is very differnt for mother and child. the way each react to a reunion will be very different.

I know when I reunited with my bmom at the age of 28 I was excited, thrilled to learn about my self but did not feel a connection right away. How could I? I was another family, I was another person completly from the person I would have been if raised by her(for the good or the bad). I was VERY confused and had no iea upon searching that iwould have been that confused I was being torn between 2 families, in my own mind. Whether right or wrong I was put in that situation and needed lots of time to assimilate the whole thing.

Thats why people say let the adoptee go at their own pace. I personaly belive that both ADULT adoptee and bmother need to try to be as understanding towards eact other as possible. No demands, no crying out to be called mother, or mom, no crying for mother until everyone knows what the heck they are doing, what is the feelings of ALL invovled(includes aparents, siblings and the rest of the family) and the bmom and childs reactions to those felings.

An 18 yo is iin NO place to really know where she is coming from in a loaded situation such as this. If amom is not being supportive and really is being slefish then as a mom to this young teen you need to allow her to assimilate where she is coming from. Devolpmentally she is learning to seperate from parents, then comes bmom....yikes...talk about confusing!

ON the other hand, rudness, crossing boundries, demanding behavior from anyone should not be allowed. An 18 yo still might try it...don't allow it.

Many adoptees don't want anotherr mother, friend maybe, some do. Many birthmothers are looking the baby all grown up..grown up in another family, differnt experainces, different attitudes . some adoptees thrived in there families some didn't. Some bmoms don't want any knowledge or contact for many resons. But to say I don't get why THEY should call the shots, why THEY should control the relationship is showing a huge lack of regard and respect to the person most impacted by adoption. Its showing me some anger at the very infant9 now all grown up) that you claim to love...I don't get it? Same with adoptive parents who don't think their child should seqarch....how can they say that when they claim to love THEIR child so much?

How do I know I care deeply about my birthmom...I didnt know her! How can anyone assign feelings to anyone....thats the thing about reunion..ther may not be instant love....I need to feel what I feel without be accused of treating someone like a puppet on a string. The mom may feel love the adopted person may not.

IN all cases each person should not treat anyone like a puppet on a string and if in fact that is happening then the puppet needs to cut the strings......until both sides are able to understand the other side...

[firish16]

From an adoptee's point of view, I think it's a situation that must be handled carefully. It's not always comfortable to combine a and b families. People get territorial and jealous and I think that's to be expected given the nature of the situation.

My advice for you is to respect your daughter and what she asks of you--because whether or not she knows what is best for her, she is the only person with the power to maintain or neglect a relationship with you. I wouldn't ask about her amom if she doesn't want you to have a relationship with her amom. I imagine it's difficult if you are curious, but I would just let her know that you are there if she wants to talk about it--but don't take it anywhere else. I can't even imagine how hard that is, but that's my advice.

She obviously has a great desire to feel connected to you, so by respecting what she says she needs, you will only grow your relationship. I am only 5 years her elder, but I understand your daughter. If someone tries to tell me what is best for me, I desire to rebel. If someone puts herself out there for me, I desire to confide in her.

Try to understand that whatever pain and confusion you feel about the situation, it's only worse for the adoptee. I think we live our whole lives with so many questions unanswered. It's a very confusing time for her I imagine. Just be considerate of her and be honest and try to understand everyone's point of view. You wont go wrong--but it may take some time to build this relationship.

[Nicole28]

My only concern for you, Jennasmom, is that right now your biological daughter is going through a VERY hard time in her life. I was 18 a mere 5 years ago, and I remember how tough it was - that pull between being an adult and a teenager, that kind of thing. To top it all off, your bio-daughter is experiencing her parent's divorce, and that has to be emotionally draining, especially since her parent's are so seemingly wrapped up in their new lives and maybe neglecting their daughter.

That being said - my thought is perhaps J is desperately seeking love, affection, etc. that she is not getting right now from her parent's, and I know that it would hurt you immensely to later discover that J no longer feels like she "needs" to maintain her relationship with you, you know? I am not trying to be pessimistic - just realistic.

I agree that you do not owe her mom anything except respect...and that you should take the high road and avoid a verbal confrontation. I also agree that it is a good idea to be patient and take things slow - or as they come - because J is still young. When I was 18, I would never have been ready for reunion, even if I thought I was...and now I'm almost 24 and probably still not ready for it!

As an adoptee, though, it makes me feel good to hear your story.

[feb171983]

What do you owe the amom? Well, she raised her daughter, whether in a "good" way or not. Respect her, and don't try to cause trouble or make the poor 18 year old "choose."

I would limit contact with the 18 year old, responding when she contacts you .. but not contacting her. 18 is confusing enough without having her mom and you fighting, and her parents divorcing. You have your own life now, and you have 3 kids. The 18 year old only has divorced parents, and no life (house/job/education/whatever) of her own yet.

It's been 5 weeks. Take it slow. You hardly know each other. Don't get too close too quick, otherwise the only way to drift is to drift apart.