[DaniSky]

So for the past few weeks I've been sharing my adoption "story" with y'all here. Through the ups and downs of this crazy rollercoaster ride called reunion, at the moment all is going well.

However, I want to discuss one thing with you guys here. I am in the situation where my bmother, who I am in contact with, has never told anyone about me except her husband. See: I was born in California, and my mother is a UK citizen that was here on an internship, so she was essentially "away" from her family for the length of her pregnancy.

She's not trying to nessecarily hide me, but I still feel like she's not making great strides to tell her family about me. She had me nearly 25 years ago and - I hate to say it - but I feel that maybe it's time for her to tell her family, especially since she's desiring a close relationship with me.

What does everyone think? Any advice?

Thanks in advance!

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmom, I can only answer from what I might be feeling if I was in her shoes. Maybe she would like to see if the reunion "works out" before telling her family....I would not want to get the hopes of the whole family up, and then have the reunion fail. If the reunion failed, then I would be the only one upset and hurt, not the whole family, and I would then not have to listen to all of them make comments.

[txrnr]

I'm not in reunion, and am an adoptee, but is it possible she's enjoying having you to herself, and maybe afraid of how others will change the dynamic of your reunion?

I imagine it would be difficult to keep such a huge secret for so long and then have to come clean. No matter our age, I think we always crave our parents approval.

Good luck to you!

[JustPeachy]

It could be a number of things. I don't know what kind of relationship she has with her family. Perhaps she isn't that close to them. Conversely, she could be close, but after keeping things quiet for so many years, it may be hard for her to come out with it now. You don't say how long you've been in reunion. Has it been a long time? She could be afraid of being judged negatively by her family for never saying anything or for placing a child for adoption in the first place. And maybe she wants to relish the time alone with you right now after not having you in her life for so long. It could be any number of things. Have you thought about asking her directly?

[paigeturner]

I would just ask her. I went years without telling my parented children about their older brother. I just didn't think my pain was any of their business. I didn't feel like answering their questions. I wanted to keep it private. When I decided to search, I was scared to death to tell them. We've always been so open with each other in our family that I dreaded letting them know I'd had a secret their entire lives. I have such terrific girls...they showed no judgement towards me. None. They are excited about the thought of getting to know an older half brother someday.

Your first mom might have similar fears towards letting out a 25 year old secret...But you'll never know until you come right out and ask her. Trust me, the children we parent are fearless about asking questions, even uncomfortable ones!

Good luck!

[StarryNights™]

I went through a very similiar problem with my birth mother. She had never told any one she was with after my birth father that she had indeed relinquished a child. Now, I find out there is a strong possibility she had relinquished another child. But no one is willing to give up any information about this. Figures. It took her a couple of months before she told my half sister I existed. She told me she could not think of a way to explain that she got pregnant out of wedlock and put me up for adoption.

[Jackiejdajda]

Some of us compartmentalize our lives.. and to tell and see the faces and have to answer about what had happened.. is very difficult..

It becomes open conversation.. it becomes a way for others to intrude in our lives and make judgments.. and I hate being judged..
Especially when I have not sorted my emotions from the time I gave my son up.. There are people in my family I do not want to have a conversation with about my giving my son up for adoption.. The reason I gave him up.. shhhhh secret..

Its unfair to you.. that is IMO the wrong of it..

Jackie

[quilliam]

For my fiancee' it's because he is the family secret of 54years and no one knew about him. Her husband of over 50 years didn't even know. His Bmom needs to tell when she feels ready, even though they have been in reunion for five months now and still trying to adjust with one another. This Summer is when the siblings are to find out, that she had placed a child and then he will be introduced to them. She had fears that her husband would leave her but hasn't, yet he is totally kind and understanding of the whole situation and actually plays a major role in the Reunion, encouraging them to meet and comes when we are meeting with her.

I don't believe it's because they are ashamed of you but yet ashamed of themselves.

[Mockingbird]

As a bmom I can understand the fear of announcing something that has been "locked away" for many years. And it's not just telling strangers--it's telling your family. It's a MAJOR revelation. After telling my daughters, they keep asking me if there is anything else I haven't told them or if they have any other siblings out there somewhere. So even though they haven't "judged" me and understand why I never told anyone, it has destroyed some of their trust in me.

Also, before I told anyone else, I had my son all to myself and it was the most wonderful feeling. It still feels great--but different now that everybody in the family (and extended family) knows about him. I'm glad that the family knows about him and has met him and made him feel welcome; but a part of me wishes to go back to those weeks when I felt like he was just mine. Maybe it's because I never got to see him and didn't have that "bonding" experience in the hospital, that I feel like I just want to have him to myself.

[susanasully]

Hi there,

I had a similar experience when I reunited with my BMom - I was the deep dark secret she'd held in her heart for 27 years. While she was beyond happy to have me back in her life, it was extemely traumatic to tell her husband and my two sisters and relive the trauma that led to my being placed for adoption.

Maybe this will help you understand her a bit - think of the worst thing you ever did in your life - the most horrible awful thing you are ashamed of and wish nobody would ever know. Something you maybe never told anybody? For many birth mothers, the circumstances of getting pregnant and relinquishing a baby for adoption felt shameful - they've kept it a secret because.. well who wants to tell everyone about something they feel ashamed of? Even in today's world, there is still a lot of that feeling of shame and guilt associated with getting pregnant when you weren't in a position to handle being a parent. Note I am NOT saying she is ashamed of YOU. This feeling of hers is not really about YOU, it's about her feelings of what she did that led to your existence. YOU are the one happy result, the joyous beautiful gift that came out of this "problem." But before she can share the joyous beautiful gift of you with her family, she has to get through dealing with her own feelings of guilt, shame, embarassment.. or as my BMom put it - "the airing of all my dirty laundry." It's just not an easy thing for any human being to do, and she will need patience and understanding from you to hopefully have the strength to get through it. Then you can all enjoy the wonders of being together again. And it is so worth it.
Sorry if I was long-winded, and I hope that came out right!