[DaniSky]

So I've been in reunion with my bmother for about a month now, and things are going well overall. However, one thing I have not done is told my aparents about this.

Here's the problem: they're very, very sensitive about anything at all regarding the adoption. I don't think we've spoken about the "a" word for about 5 years now. When I was growing up it was rarely spoken about, and when it was the results were usually negative. I was never allowed to call my bparents "birth mother" or "birth father" even; I was told to call them my "blood parents" or "genetic parents" or "carriers" or I got in trouble. When someone asked me why I looked different from my aparents I was never allowed to tell them I was adopted. Once when I asked too many questions as a kid they told me that they wished they never told me I was adopted.

I'm not an exceeding emotional person by nature as I have the tendency to be very blunt and to "say things as they are." My amother, as much as I love her, can be very unpredictable emotionally. I really don't want to hurt her (my father too, who's also sensitive) with this, and I know it may, so that is why I have yet to tell them. She's cried when I asked her if she knew my bmother's name...eek.

Some might say I should just reassure them that I love them, that they are my "parents", etc...but I think that's just kind of an abvious thing to say, I don't know. I don't even feel like I need to address that...

I think that my amom may have wanted a large family of her "own" perhaps, but when she found out she couldn't have children and adopted just one, it didn't satisfy her mothering needs. Because of this she has issues accepted that she adopted rather than had children naturally. This is merely just a speculation I've made from knowing her and observing her reactions.

I need help because it's generally my policy to not keep things from people I love and care about, and I hate secrets. I am very close with my aparents on pretty much any subject except this ... but I'm scared telling them will result in a disaster. Perhaps it's best I don't...but I'd just like advice on either way.

By the way: My bmother has expressed that she's pretty much indifferent about meeting/talking with my adoptive family. My aparents opted to not send information/pictures of me to my amom through the agency after I was a year old (they had the choice to do it or not...they had to up until one year) so I think that ticked her off a bit.

Thanks everyone..

[curiositykitten]

Maybe it would be better for you to tell them in a letter. Sometimes when you tell people things that you know is a very touchy topic in person they won't take time to listen to you and they just react.

That being said I think it's important to let them know that you still do love them and this isn't about them it's about you finding out the things you need to know, and growing as a person, and reassuring them that you do have enough love for everyone.

[Sherr34]

Danisky,
I have to agree with curiositykitten. Try writing a letter. You have a very different situation then I do. I was very open with my parents that I was searching and looking and when I found her I told them up front. They did advise me to respect my birth mothers wishes and I am doing that. My Husband and my Mom and Dad will all get to meet my birth mother in May.

[DaniSky]

Writing a letter is an interesting idea that I had not thought about. My only concern is that they live about 3 hours away from, so we see each other fairly often and speak nearly every day. It seems as if a letter would almost be more unexpected than a call, if that makes any sense. Good idea, though.

I'm now thinking it may just be better for me to hold off altogether...and to see how the relationship with my bmother goes (because there's a chance that we may not be keeping constant communication open).

I never usually think this, but I'm wondering if it's better they didn't know...

[Oceans]

Hey Dani - I'm a birthmom so not sure this is advice that your looking for...

The letter idea is interesting but it might offend you parents - especially if you talk on the phone often.

You said two things that struck me...First:

Some might say I should just reassure them that I love them, that they are my "parents", etc...but I think that's just kind of an abvious thing to say, I don't know. I don't even feel like I need to address that...

I think the reason your folks don't like to talk about the adoption is all the old fears. Your birthmom will steal you away emotionally, you'll like her more, and I definately think there may be something there about the lack of contact (or worried about what she will say). Reassuring parents that you love and need them is normal for any adult child without adoption. In your case, I think it is needed. They need to hear it. and..

it's generally my policy to not keep things from people I love and care about, and I hate secrets.

There's your conversation starter. "I know this might be hard, but I could never keep something like this from you..."

I can see why you would consider not telling and you might want to wait to see where this is going but ultimately.... you'll probably have to spill the beans Because you would expect it of them.

Once they realize you haven't changed by making contact, they may become more accepting...

Best of luck!

[loveajax]

Dani,

My DH found his birth mom recently. He told his mom about doing so and she was pretty accepting/curious, etc. He told her he didn't know what he was going to do with the info (as it turns out, he wrote her and has not heard back yet, so he doesn't think there is anything to "tell").

My SIL reunited with her birth mother years ago. Again, my inlaws were supportive. I asked MIL about it recently and whether she was hurt, and she said, "Oh no! Gosh, it really helped me to learn more about DD. Things I had always wondered, etc." I thought that was such a cool response. When you love a child so much, you want to know "everything" about them.

I wonder if you could tell your a parents that it is BECAUSE of your close relationship, etc., you thought it was OK to search. And maybe the "reasons" for your search (which I bet have nothing to do with how you feel about them as parents, etc.) And the reassurance Oceans talks about I think is necessary (even if it is obvious).

Even if you are not in "constant" communication with bmom, I think it will "wear' on you to maintain this secret....I hope you are able to share it with your a parents. Good luck!

[bumblebeeskies]

I am fairly blunt, so one day when I was out with my amom, I just blurted out that I had found bmom. Honestly, I didn't allow myself to worry about whether it would hurt or feelings or not. Maybe that made me selfish-I don't know, but I couldn't worry about that.

Whether you should tell them or not, depends on many things. Do you have children who tend to let the cat out of the bag? Are there any big life events coming up that you would want to invite your bmom and aparents to? I tend to think that people who choose adoption, whether it is the bmom or a fam, should know that reunions happen all the time, and try to prepare themselves for it as much as possible.

[mylovebug]

I personally long for the day that we get to search and meet my dd's birthfamily. We are very open to discuss it with her even though she is only 4. I would meet them way before she was 18 if it were up to me but my husband is kind of sensitive about it. He wants to protect her from anything that may hurt one day. I love him but I don't know if I can wait until she is 18, I atleast want to meet with the grandmother who has had some contact. One day it will take place and I want to be there with her when the reunion takes place, It will mean so much for me to be there. Not sure if this helps but I hope things work out for you and all of your family.

[JustPeachy]

You may wish to hold off a little longer, but I think eventually, it will have to come out, as you do not like to keep secrets, nor should you feel you have to. It's obvious you care about your parents and don't wish to hurt their feelings and that is not your intention. You cannot control how they respond, though, and it's not up to you to manage their feelings. You will have plenty of your own to deal with! If you think they will give you such a hard time as to make you feel put in the middle between them and b-mom, you may want to wait until the foundation is on more solid footing with your b-mom, so as not to feel inundated on both sides. I'm not in reunion yet, but even just having more direct communication with my child is emotional enough. I'm fortunate, however, that the a-parents have been supportive from the get-go, and open about b-son pursing more open communication. Best of luck to you.

[DaniSky]

Okay, so my aparents visited this weekend and I did it - I told my amom. She took it about 100 times better than I would've expected. It was SUCH a relief.

I owe it all to the support of you guys!!!

[Sherr34]

I am glad that you did it and that it went alot better then expected. I know when I found my birth mother I told my parents and asked them your not upset with me are you. They said no and if it was them they would want to know their family of origin.

[Oceans]

YAY!!!!! Dani - That's great!!! Must be a huge weight off your shoulders! Sometimes our parents surprise us.