[DaniSky]

I have a quick question, mostly directed to the bmom's here. Recently I've began my reunion with my birth mother and throughout I've been calling her by her first name, not "Mom."

She hasn't expressed any offense about this, nor do I think she will--but we're still very early on.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to call her Mom because I feel that my mother is the affectionate sense is my adoptive mom. I don't mean this as an offense--but I'm just making sure it's okay by everyone if I continue to call her by her first name. Also, I'd like to see if anyone else here feels the same way.

What does everyone think? Let's have a 'lil debate...

Thanks for the 1,000th time!

DaniSky

[curiositykitten]

I'm not in reunion. I just sent a letter off on Saturday to my bmom to initiate contact. I've thought about this specific thing a lot but I don't think I can call my bmom 'mom'. I addressed her in the letter by her first name.

I'm not sure how that will change for me as time passes, if we build a good relationship I might want to call her "mom" too. However I feel the depth of my relationship with my amom more, and I guess that's the difference.

All and all I think it'll be based off of what sort of relationship you two develop but you should do whatever is the most comfortable for you.

[DaniSky]

I think we share the same feelings Kitten -- thank you, that makes me feel better.

[paigeturner]

I'm not in reunion yet, but I think I will feel weird if my son calls me "mom", after all we're basic strangers. I don't feel comfortable when my daughter's boyfriends call me "mom". Frankly, my youngest many times refers to me by my first name, which I find more personal than the generic "mom" that everyone is called.

Just my 2 cents.

[Mommy24]

Dani~ I have always said "I don't care what my son calls me as long as he calls" LOL, I truly mean that. Would I be thrilled if he felt so close to me that he would want to call me mom, sure! But will I be offended if he always calls me Michelle? Absolutely not! In my heart I am one of his mom's, In my heart he will ALWAYS be my son, not my only but one of 4, to me it isn't about titles, it is more about the relationship that we can build. So, for me, no I am not, nor will I ever be offended if he chooses not to call me Mom.

[kakuehl]

Dani,
My son calls me Kathy and that's fine. I have no desire to take the place of his mother who raised him. As someone commented on another thread... I relinquished the right to raise him. I never relinquished my love for him. He will always be my firstborn and have a special place in my heart but S is his mom. D and I have a special relationship that is hard to describe but is basically a comfortable one. The funny thing is that I would love to have his children call me something other than "Kathy" (or Miss Kathy). Ah well, no one said that we are consistent.

[DaniSky]

I guess I've also always told myself that I am less her child than my half-siblings she has raised, which she seems to think isn't true. She seems to think I am every bit her child as her other two kids. That's a cool feeling! Still, though, I think it's easier for her to call me her child than me calling her my mom...

Thanks again for the awesome replies!

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by DaniSky

I guess I've also always told myself that I am less her child than my half-siblings she has raised, which she seems to think isn't true. She seems to think I am every bit her child as her other two kids. That's a cool feeling! Still, though, I think it's easier for her to call me her child than me calling her my mom...

Thanks again for the awesome replies!

Unfortunately, I think you are not the only adoptee that has felt that way. I think D assumed that I walked out of his life and didn't care. It took my mom a while to realize how much I loved D, even though I was placing him for adoption.

Reunion is a tricky place to be for a birthmom with other children. First, I recognize that D doesn't have the same feeling - as you say,it's easier for me to call him child, than for him to call me mother. I think it's been easier for him to get to know his siblings. (After all one can have many siblings). I can only tell you that it gives me great joy that he has allowed me to be part of his life. It is also tricky with my other children as well because I need them (or they need) to know that their places in my life haven't changed by D's presence in my life.

[Oceans]

I am not in reunion yet but I would never expect him to call me Mom - If someday we build a relationship and he wants to call me that - Great! but if it never happens, that's fine too. I have no feelings around that...

Kathy - I totally understand wanting to be called Gma tho To funny, I think I would feel the same!

I guess I've also always told myself that I am less her child than my half-siblings she has raised, which she seems to think isn't true. She seems to think I am every bit her child as her other two kids. That's a cool feeling! Still, though, I think it's easier for her to call me her child than me calling her my mom...

I have never had any other children so I am unqualified to answer BUT... If I did, I know my son would no less no more than my son. Yes, there are different memories but there is a place in my heart for him that no one could ever fill. Even tho I am not in reunion, he still fills it. KWIM... I believe you are every bit of her kid as your siblings.

It's a birthmom thing!! LOL

[ocracoke]

I was reuntied about 14 years ago. I never had a desire to call bmom "mom." I almost always referred to as Alice. When talking about her I would refer to her as my birthmom so that people would understand. However, I also always called my aparents by their first names. I was adopted when I was 7 years old and they never insisted on being called mom and dad. So I used their names. I have never called my adad "dad." And I was about 25 before I ever called my amom "mama." I still use her first name more often.

On a side note, when I adopted my daughter 18 months ago at the age of 21 months it sounded really strange to be called "mommy." It was not a name that was normally in my life since I didn't use it myself. Just recently she has started to call me by my first name occasionally and I have to say that it just warmed my heart. Especially since she says it with a smile. Ii understand that most would see this as a strange reaction on my part.

We will all have different desires to be called different things. Whatever works for you is what you should do.

Samantha

[Sherr34]

Danisky,
I recently to have been in contact with my Birth mother too. I call her by her first name. The people that adopted me they are my parents and my Mom and Dad. My birth mother she is one that I will be able to learn somethings about myself from and She is a special Friend to me. I will be meeting her and my half brother in May for the first time. I dont plan on having a close relationship with my half brother. I just want to meet him and if he wants a friendship with me it will have to be on his terms. I will always call my birth mother by her first name.

[DaniSky]

Originally Posted by Sherr34

Danisky,
I recently to have been in contact with my Birth mother too. I call her by her first name. The people that adopted me they are my parents and my Mom and Dad. My birth mother she is one that I will be able to learn somethings about myself from and She is a special Friend to me. .

You feel the same exact way I do about that!

[Sherr34]

I am glad that I could help you. I have been in contact with my birth mother for a month and a half. I will be getting to meet her in May for the first time when I go home for a week. My parents live in MN and my birth Mom lives in Wi so I will be taking a drive to Wis.

[loveis]

So are there any bmoms that are called Mom by their bchild, or any adoptees that call their bmom, Mom? And when did you know it was the right thing to do?

[RavenSong]

I first reunited with my son about 18 years ago, shortly after he reached his 18th birthday. For about a year or so, he called me by my first name, which was fine with me. And then one day, he very casually called me "Mom" for the first time, carefully watching my reaction out of the corner of his eye. On one hand, it made my heart dance with joy; on the other hand, I felt guilty. But I stopped feeling guilty about it when I realized that it is my son's right to address me in any way he wishes, as long as it's respectful, lol!

I do know that he's always referred to me as his mother when talking to his friends and coworkers. The first time I ever talked to him on the phone, I heard him tell his foster brother, "that's my mother calling." He was living in a foster home at the time, and the kid that answered the phone told him that someone named Raven was calling. I overheard my son telling him that Raven was his mother.

Nowadays, he calls me by my first name most of the time. But he also calls me Mom at times...I think it depends on his mood. It really doesn't bother me either way, as long as he calls me!