[cnb1099]

I have been in reunion for almost 2 years now (wow that is scary...it has not felt like that long!) and I still call bmom by her first name. I send her mothers day cards and birthday cards that address her as mom or mother, but I am comfortable calling her J. She has not expressed any desire for me to call her mom and I am not sure I could ever call anyone other than my amom "mom".

I am still getting "comfortable" with J getting my kids (7 and 4) know who J is but they don't get that she is their grandmother. But when I talk to J or her family I call them her grandchildren. I was Js only child so a part of me feels bad that I cannot call her mom but I believe in my hear that J does not care what she is called as long as we grow and continue our relationship.

[KSadar]

I don't know how, but I have managed to avoid this very subject for 4 years! Seriously! My b-mom signs all her emails and cards "I Love you, Mom" but I have always just started mine with "Hi" and ended with "love you". When I see her in person I do the same thing. I don't want to call her Mom because its a matter of loyalty to my a-mom... for me. Since my b-mom signs her name Mom I know she wants me to call her that.

The only time it gets tricky is when we are in person and I need to get her attention. I remember once when we took a trip to the mall. We had different errands so we agreed to meet up at a certain time. The time came and I saw her but she was walking the wrong way. I started to call out to her by using her first name but that felt weird so I stopped. Luckily I had one of my daughters with me and told her to yell "Grandma". I have no problem with my children calling her that. It is SUCH a weird hangup. I wonder if she realizes I have never actually addressed her.

[kakuehl]

I suspect she has noticed... We birth moms tend to be sensitive that way (lol). As you may have noticed, however, most of us are more interested in the relationship than the choice of name. (Your story reminded me of the story my DH tells of his mother and her mother-in-law. His grandmother lived with them from the time his parents married until she died - 6 days short of 100. His mother never addressed his grandmother directly and referred to her and Baba or Mrs. Kuehl to others. They lived in the same house for over 30 years.)

[dpen6]

I had a huge problem calling my birthmom, mo, never did alwys called her by her first name.
Had huge difficulty in telling her I loved her, but then again its not something I tell many people easily. My kids get "I love you's" very easily but really no one else.

Just before she died I wrote a letter telling her that I loved her. Most of our reunion was before the internet and I really had no one that I connected enough to to sort it all out.

For me it was VERY difficult to call another mom when my whole life was centerned around one mom and the other mom was really just a dream like person, one day the princess and the next day the villion. thats what happens when there is NO information to be had. When the reunion happended at age 28 I really didn't know what to do with my feelings, what any of them meant, and I had no one to go to. So I just avoided alot and to keep it simple( I had 5 children) I just avoided alot. BMom lived in another stateso I didn't see her often. He would talk on the phone ocassionally and she did come and stay with me for a few daysthe year before she died. Looking back, to be honest, I was the one that kept it moredistant. Not for any nefarious or selfish reason just because it the only way I knew how to deal with it at the time.

With the insight I have today and the maturity I wish she were still here , I think things could be a whole lot differnt.

Such is life.

[Jinxie64]

Originally Posted by DaniSky

I have a quick question, mostly directed to the bmom's here. Recently I've began my reunion with my birth mother and throughout I've been calling her by her first name, not "Mom."

She hasn't expressed any offense about this, nor do I think she will--but we're still very early on.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to call her Mom because I feel that my mother is the affectionate sense is my adoptive mom. I don't mean this as an offense--but I'm just making sure it's okay by everyone if I continue to call her by her first name. Also, I'd like to see if anyone else here feels the same way.

What does everyone think? Let's have a 'lil debate...

Thanks for the 1,000th time!

DaniSky

Hi Danisky,

I am just recently in reunion with my birthdaughter. I am not offended that she calls me by my first name. I understand she has a wonderful mom. I don't ever want her to feel uncomfortable in the least. If she should ever decide differently that will be okay too. In my heart I know that I am also her mom and that is what counts the most!

[feb171983]

Calling her by her first name seems fitting to me. She might have given birth to you, but that doesn't make her your "mom" for life. She's your birthmom, but didn't raise you. So, I understand that you don't call her "mom." I wouldn't either.

[gigglessa]

I just asked my bmom what she wanted me to call her. I started out calling her mom, but it just didn't sound right. when I talked to her on the phone I just started talking and when I went to visit her I couldn't bring myself to call her mom in front of her other children.
Its so weird..she said i could call her anything I want..but that she is my mother..
I don't have an amom anymore, she died when I was 5 so I haven't called anyone mom in over 32 years..
I hope it doesn't take years to feel comfortable with names.

[shell50]

I am in reunion ( 3 months now ) with my bmom, and call her by her first name. We have never discussed this,but, I
don't think she would expect me to call her mom, nor would i want to. Personally, i think this is a time to do what suits you. You meet a stranger and it takes time to build a relationship and friendship. Good luck...

[efokes]

I don't call mine at all, lol. However, I refer to her as either Joyce or "the Mother"