[DaniSky]

So a week fews ago I found my birth mother and began communicating with her via email and telephone. Our reunion was great; she was truly happy to hear from me. I live in Oregan and she in the UK so our communication by phone has been a bit limited due to the time difference.

I am very happy that I've found her and, at this point, I have no regrets about making contact. However, I have to say that this whole process is becoming much more stressful and emotionally taxing than I expected. My birthmother is a very nice person, and I care for her very much, but the main reason that I made contact is to satisfy my curiousity about my heritage and my family history. I really don't want to try to salvage our "mother daughter relationship" as I feel that the relationship I have with my adoptive mother is of that nature. I think that bmother wants to have that kind of relationship, however. It makes me feel terrible that I don't want the same thing.

For some reason the fact that I now have someone new, and important, in my life is really stressful to me! In way I secretly wish that I didn't make contact...and that my life was back to the simple, non-emotional manner it was prior to the reunion.

Another thing that's disconcerning is that I believe that I may been concieved in an "un-savory" manner. I don't nessecarily think that it was rape; as my birthmother knew my birthfather, but it seems as if she may have been coerced into having relations with him without her full consent. He doesn't know I exist, either. That's hard to deal with.

Another thing is that I feel my bmother is depressed overall, which brings me down. She's gone on to have a fairly normal, happy life, but I think that there are things she regrets and things she is not happy with. Of course this is normal, but it has a tendency to bring me down too.

Overall, this has become a much more intense experience than I expected it to be. I wish I could pause it all and have time to breathe, and maybe just limit our communication to a few emails a month or so, but at the same time I don't want to hurt my bmom. I really need help because I don't know to do, and I'm hoping that I haven't made a mistake in contacting her.

DaniSky

[Jackiejdajda]

DaniSky

I am very happy that I've found her and, at this point, I have no regrets about making contact. However, I have to say that this whole process is becoming much more stressful and emotionally taxing than I expected. My birthmother is a very nice person, and I care for her very much, but the main reason that I made contact is to satisfy my curiousity about my heritage and my family history. I really don't want to try to salvage our "mother daughter relationship" as I feel that the relationship I have with my adoptive mother is of that nature. I think that bmother wants to have that kind of relationship, however. It makes me feel terrible that I don't want the same thing.

I believe the thing (reunion) finds its own level.. You have your wants and desires and she has hers.. You can not be to her what you do not want to be and if she is disappointed so be it.. We need to learn the reality of the reunion..
Accept what is really happening and stand back and see it.. acknowledge it.. (<very hard for some)

For some reason the fact that I now have someone new, and important, in my life is really stressful to me! In way I secretly wish that I didn't make contact...and that my life was back to the simple, non-emotional manner it was prior to the reunion.

My reunion with my bson in 1999 had to (for me) happen..
I needed to know how he was doing and if he was alive or dead.. I obsessed on it.. Now I know where he is and that I can phone him or write to him at any time.. I am content..
Yes my reunion was not the one I expected.. but it is my reunion..

Another thing that's disconcerning is that I believe that I may been concieved in an "un-savory" manner. I don't nessecarily think that it was rape; as my birthmother knew my birthfather, but it seems as if she may have been coerced into having relations with him without her full consent. He doesn't know I exist, either. That's hard to deal with.

Some of us make excuses.. in the early years of coming out of hiding I would lie and say the birthfather of my bson was my boyfriend at the time.. but that was not true.. I had had sex with a boss a man I worked for..

Hard to admit.. So much shame at that time.. so much wrong with a woman having sex like a woman has sex in this day and age..

Shame was the lever that caused some of us to relinquish..
Lies and shame..
Excuses as well..

Another thing is that I feel my bmother is depressed overall, which brings me down. She's gone on to have a fairly normal, happy life, but I think that there are things she regrets and things she is not happy with. Of course this is normal, but it has a tendency to bring me down too.

It’s the history of the thing.. the depression (for some) is part of giving a child up for adoption..
Things not grieved.. thoughts repressed..

Overall, this has become a much more intense experience than I expected it to be. I wish I could pause it all and have time to breathe, and maybe just limit our communication to a few emails a month or so, but at the same time I don't want to hurt my bmom. I really need help because I don't know to do, and I'm hoping that I haven't made a mistake in contacting her.

Maybe tell her the truth.. how you are feeling..
My bson stopped contact for long periods of time.. At first I sent many emails and wanted so much to meet him etc..
But he kept backing off and I had to sort.. that this was part of our reunion.. he could not fix it for me..
And I needed to go through a part of my grief my anger.. my reality..
My stuff tho.. part of my life.. who I am.. what happened to me..
We live in a society that forces some women to give up their babies.. or makes it very easy..

But then some women do want to/did want to give up their babies… I believe that if they did want to give up their babies they would not be projecting the emotions your birthmom is projecting on to you.. Lots of complicate stuff here.. but sort it we must..

Jackie

[DaniSky]

Thank you Jackie.

[winter444]

I know exactly how you feel, mind you my bmom turned out to be not as nice as yours is so I ended our contact.
But, back to the feelings you are having, I also really wanted any info she could give me, medical etc, didn't really expect us to start emailing back and forth, and when we were I felt so many emotions and honestly it was all too much. One minute I was quite happy, the next I just wanted it all to go away, I felt so sad most of the time. Happiness, guilt, sadness, anger, you name it. I don't know what the answer is really, your bmom sounds very caring so I would probably let her know how you are feeling, I did that to mine but unfortunately she became even more cold but yours doesn't sound as though she is that way.
This is affecting you right now and I honestly think that we need peace with all this, you deserve that, you really do. Maybe write everything down to her, take care.

[Robinsmom]

DaniSky,
Being a birthmother myself, I can understand how you both feel. From her side I can see that after all these years, she is so happy, just to hear from you, and is filled with emotion right now. Guilt and loss being the top two. Being a birthmother it is hard to separate the love you have for the baby you carried and the fact that they are no longer that baby or belong to you at all. It is hard to deal with all the emotions and often they get confused with other things. Give her a chance to sort through it all. It will settle down.
As for your side, I can see your point too. You have a mother who raised you and loved you. You are not looking for another. I, a birthmother, can understand that. Just be honest. Don't say things to make her feel better, or so as to not hurt her feelings. Just tell her how you feel, and try to be kind. I don't think you need to slam the door in her face, just leave it open a crack, just in case someday you choose to open it again. You never know.

Winter444,
I am sorry things did not work out so well for you. Perhaps your bmother did not understand. It is hard to do sometimes, so many emotions. I know from my own experience that things get all messed up when both people are confused as to where the relationship is going. I thought my birthdaughter wanted more too. She appeared to, but then pulled back. I think it was too hard for both of us to deal with. I really think she expected to hate me, but when she couldn't, the love for her amom, caused her to feel so much guilt. I love her, but do not in any way want to cause her more pain. So I took a step back, believing it would be easier for her if I was the one who did it. If she needs me, she knows where I am, I know she will come looking if that happens. Maybe your bmom felt the same, or could not deal with the pain she was feeling. Try not to be so angry at her, she may have reasons that you don't know about. Good luck to you.
Colleen

[alynp]

One thing that we can always count on in life is change.

People's feelings change over time - the level of intensity changes too.

In my situation is was my bmom who tended to go through phases of pulling away. She has told me there were times when she didn't think she would be able to cope with more contact it was so painful for her. This hurt to hear - but I have learned that she gets overwhelmed sometimes and she is a much more private person than I am. I have learned about her - I understand her moods and gestures now, and I no longer feel like I need to be with her every minute to know she loves me. It took a long time, but think about how long it takes for parents and children in any family to come to understand and accept each other? Some never do, even after a lifetime of being in contact.

I wish you patience as you work through all of this - it isn't easy.

[DaniSky]

Thank you everyone - you've calmed my nerves greatly about the whole situation. I really do not wish to hurt her, and I am trying to be as sympathetic as possible to her feelings. Sometimes I just feel as if she acting very nonchalant about the whole "giving me away" thing, but then the next moment she is wanting to bond with me...it doesn't match up at times. I'm trying my best to figure it out.

Thank you! Y'all are blessings.

DaniSky

[Robinsmom]

DaniSky,
Wow, I can't believe that any birthmother could feel that way about giving her baby up. For most of us, it was a life changing decision. Not for the good, either. Maybe she just doesn't want you to see how much it really did effect her life. I can't be sure, as everybody deals with things in a different way, but maybe she is afraid that if she tells you the truth, you will feel bad, and hang on even though you may not want to. If you made it clear to her in the beginning, that you had a mother and didn't need another, it may be a self protection thing. She doesn't want to say too much. Doesn't want to be hurt. I can say from my own story, the hurt of the loss the second time, is worse. I won't be so quick to put my heart out there again. Just keep in mind, that everything in life is not black and white. People can hide how they feel. Just don't let it make you feel bad. If it hurts, or is too confusing, take a step back. Let it go for a minute, and talk to her again when you are ready. Work out your feelings first, then deal with hers. Remember, that it is all up to you. Nobody can hurt you, that you do not let hurt you. Take care.
Colleen

[shell50]

I also contacted my bmom about 6 weeks ago, she seems happy to have heard from me. I have since then met my half brother. I agree with you, in some ways I wish i had never made contact as the emotional side of things is far greater than I expected. We are meeting in 4 weeks time as she lives about 4 hours from me, and her daughter is getting re-married this weekend. I was a secret she never told anyone about and I am 51. She sounds wonderful on the phone, and both of my aparents are dead, but, not sure what i wanted from this reunion. She has told me more about my medical background, so that is good for my kids. I have just read The Adoption Handbook and am reading The Girls Who Went Away, both very useful. I am or rather was an only child and liked it that way as I had a fantastic childhood,whereas the bmom's life was not good. I wanted this reunion for so long, but never thought it would happen, and now it has part of me is scared, I only wanted her, but she comes with a family of her own I had never given any thought to. The halfbrother already calls me sister.... but I am an only child in my head.

[snuffie]

Oh it does take time and working through a lot of things before becoming comfortable with it all!
I went from being the oldest of two to being the oldest of 9. I'm still learning dynamics. It is a work in progress. It does get to be emotionally exhausting at times. But in my case, it is so worth it.

Your bmom sounds as though she is going through her own process of "grieving" for the times that never were, for the things she missed out on. It is so sad and there is nothing that you can do to make her go through this process any less or any faster. It sounds like you are also going through the normal feelings of reunion - overwhelming as they are.

I've found that stepping back for a little while and "regrouping" helps when things become too much to handle. Be good to yourself and take care of your needs.

If after much reflection you still decide that you don't want a relationship with your bmom you can try to be as honest with her as possible.

Hugs
Snuffie

[DaniSky]

Shell -- I feel your pain. No one else knows I exist except my bmom's husband. I have two sisters (10, 8) and a brother (4) that have no idea that they have a 24 year old big sister! That's tough.

I agree with thinking she is grieving. Due to her being away we've had a "break" for going on 6 days now and that's helping things.

Thanks again everyone!

DaniSky

[alynp]

Originally Posted by shell50

I am or rather was an only child and liked it that way as I had a fantastic childhood,whereas the bmom's life was not good. I wanted this reunion for so long, but never thought it would happen, and now it has part of me is scared, I only wanted her, but she comes with a family of her own I had never given any thought to. The halfbrother already calls me sister.... but I am an only child in my head.

Shell, it sounds like the fact that she has other children is challenging your identity as an only child. Of course, your concerns are normal and healthy but they did get me thinking...
How does the idea or reality of bsiblings impact your reunion experience and relationship after?