[MegElizabeth]

I've always known that I was adopted and I've always wanted to know my story. When I was 19 I found out who my birth mother was. My adopted parents are divorced and have been since I was 16. I've always longed to know who my birth mother was and for some reason I didn't care to know my birth father. I was visiting with my adopted father one day and he told me that he knew who my biological mother was but wouldn't tell me unless my adopted mother was ok with me knowing. I called her, asked if I could find out who my birth mother was, she said yes and my adopted father told me. No big deal right? I was completely wrong. I've known my birth mother all my life and have never known it. She was a "family friend", the mother of the kids I baby-sat for, my "2nd mom". I've been heart broken since I found out...I'm 22 now. For 5 years I've never been more confused about who I truly am until now. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful that my birth mother is who it is but I grew up thinking that she was a junkie off the streets who couldn't take care of a child. I found out that she was 23 when she had me. The same age I am now. I feel that I would be perfectly capable of taking care of a child, why couldn't she? I've been angry, hurt, confused, happy, and all kinds of different emotions I've never experienced before. She has 2 children now, a 16 year old daughter who could pass as my twin and a 13 year old son. Neither of them know that I am their sister. I wish they did because I would love to connect with them as an older sibling.

I apologize for this extremely long post but I feel like I need to get this off my chest to someone besides my family and close friends. It would be nice to hear some different points of view and thoughts of my situation.

Thanks!

[txrnr]

Wow. That would be the shocker. I guess I'd try to see that there is a difference between being capable of raising a child at 23, and being able to give a child everything you think it needs and deserves. After all, isn't that what parents do? They dream for us, want us to have all the advantages and opportunities, and maybe she thought that by letting your parents raise you, she could do that. It sounds like she cared so much she stayed in your life, even if she had to settle for being the family friend to you.

I'm also an adoptee, and I have no doubt this would completely throw me too. Since it's not my situation, I can also say it's pretty cool. Do you have any interest in approaching her, and seeing if you can get to know your siblings as their older sister, and not just as a friend?

Good luck!!! I hope you find a way to make some sense of it for yourself.

[TxMom65]

I'm not a birthmom, but I know only your birthmom knows why she did that.

I'm not at all trying to be mean, but I would suggest that you talk to a counselor to sort out your feelings. I never knew the importance of this until I adopted my daughter and had questions and feelings that I just couldn't deal with on my own. SOme of them involved her birthmom.

I do hope that you find peace with this.

[jrainbow]

So you have known for 5 years who she really is. Does she know that you know? Have you talked? Do you know why she isn't telling her children?

I'm an adoptee also. I can certainly understand your feelings, your pain. But, as hard as it is, you owe it to yourself to hear her story. You are now looking at it from hindsight - you can not know all the reasons that you bmom choose to place you. Adoption is not something that any mother does without thinking on a whim. So there were very good reasons - at least for her, in that time and place and circumstances.

Since your aparents obviously know her also, maybe they can help you find some peace.

[dpen6]

Before you "need" to know her story and her reasons blah blah blah.....you need to deal with the fact that you were lied to and betrayed. You were not given the respect of knowing where you came from. You baby sat your siblings for heaven sake and no one had the decency to let you know...because it might hurt others? she may have had very valid reasons for placing you at the time but before you can "understand" and "be comapssionate" towards her you need to try to be compassiante and understanding towards yourself .

I am sorry

[Jackiejdajda]

I agree with dpens.. the feeling of betrayal must be terrible..

Can you go for counseling?


Jackie

[sonata]

I agree you were betrayed, but not simply because you were given up for adoption or didn't know who your b-mother was until you were 19. I actually think your parents chose a good time in your life - young adulthood - to tell you the truth about your birthmother UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES! But it is not a normal situation for your birthmother to be someone you know and see on a regular basis and have close contact with. Babysitting your siblings??? Who thought that was "cute"?

I can't even fathom all the ways you must have been blown away by that revelation.

Adoption is an emotional minefield under the best of circumstances. But the added impact of having the b-mother and a-family in close contact WITHOUT the adoptees knowledge is really walking close to the edge. (This is somewhat similar to the scenario in which someone finds out their older "sister" is really their mother).

All you can do is deal with the situation that is in front of you now. The very first thing you need to do, if you haven't already, is talk to you b-mother. You need to hear from her why she gave you up. And listen to her with an open mind. Making the decision to relinquish your child is heart wrenching and not likely a decision she made lightly. (just wondering....but maybe she was able to agree to the adoption because she knew that she would be able to be part of your life, as she was. That probably factored into her decision.) I had a similar feeling about my b-mother. She had me when she was 20 which didn't seem all that young to me either. I had my first two children at 17 and 18 and I took the responsibility of motherhood seriously so I had a hard time understanding why she was "too young" at 20 - but it was a different era when she got pregnant with me. Also, consider that abortion was legal at the time you were born, and whatever else she did wrong by you, your mother did carry you and give you life.

Sometimes it isn't even age alone that makes a woman unprepared for motherhood. Let her tell you her reasons and even if you don't agree they were valid, give her the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean you can't be hurt and disappointed by what she says, but it is done and all you can do is be glad for the good things that came from your adoption (your parents!) and move forward with the relationships you have now. I agree that counseling might be very helpful in working through this. Good luck and let us know how its going with you.

[MegElizabeth]

I've been in touch with her since I found out. We usually go eat or get together about once every few months. She's told me her story and how she got hooked up with my adopted parents. She has brothers who don't even know that she had me. Her husband didn't know until a few years before I found out.

Neither of her children (my siblings) know that I'm their sister. She has said that she'll tell them when their old enough to understand. I would think 13 and 16 are old enough to understand but then again they aren't my children.

I've gone to counseling from the time I was 16 until I was 21, and I still have the same feelings about everything. Don't get me wrong it feels good to talk to someone and get advice but that doesn't talk the pain and confusion away.

[geogdeb]

Hi MegElizabeth,

I guess the only thing I can say is the your pain and confusion is valid. It probably won't go away, but you will learn to live with it. I am a birthmom. I was 17 when I relinquished and wish I had never done it. But the pressure was very intense. And although your birthmom was older, I am sure there was pressure associated with being single and pregnant. I am glad you are talking to her.

I also know it is a hard thing to tell children. I told both of my kids about their brother when they were about the ages of your siblings. I hadn't found my bson at at the time. I was surprised at how easily they accepted the fact that I had given up a child for adoption. But it seems like most kids are accepting. The bmoms, however, never seem to forgive themselves or accept what they have done. Maybe that is what is going on with your bmom. Maybe that is why she hasn't told her other children.

Anyway, these forums really help me. I hope they help you too. Hang in there.

Deb

[EZ2Luv]

((HUGS)) I know EXACTLY how you feel. At 48 yrs old I was faced with a potentially life threatening illnes. I always knew I was adopted, never had a problem or desire to search as some adpotees do. Well upon the insistance of my doctor/friend I searched and found. Can you imagine to my suprise to learn that my amother's sister was my birthmom. A woman thta I was raied to know as an aunt. A woman that would say things to me like"You are my favorite neice" and I couldn't love you more if you came out of my own body".
Sadly by the time I found the truth bomom had passed way 2 years prior. I know all too well those feelings of betrayal and feeling like everyone knew except me. I felt like my life was a complete joke and I was being laughed at for nearly half a century.
Upn my discovery I shared my findings with a few of whom I considered pretty close friends, only to have them say"Oh we knew that, we just never told you" Nice! Welcome to the real world of lies surrounding adoption!!
I have always been pro adoption having been raised by the most incredible aparents. I still am pro adopton, but a bit wiser. What I hate are the lies surrounding adoption
What helped me was to try and understand why they lied. It does not absolve them but it helps me forgive. I can honestly say that it was not my aparents that perpetuated this lie. It was definately my Bmom who forbade my aparents from telling me. You see Bmom never even tod her husband(who was not my bdad) or her subsequent children(my half siblings).

May I ask, "do the children of bmom know?" are they old enough to understand?

I ask because my half siblings who I was raised to believe were just my cousins and had a pretty good relationship with me, reected me to the max and went so far as to accuse me of "trying to claim their mother" whatever that means. Only one half sibling was somewhat kind and accepting of me claiming to understand. However, 25 thousand dollars USD and several peices of jewelry later , it became obvious I was being played to support her and her husbands heroin addiction. Needless to say that relationship is no longer.

EZ

[sonata]

My b-mother told her other two daughters about me from the time they were maybe 10-12 years old and they had no problem accepting it.

I would also think that 13 and 16 are old enough to be told about you but you can't force her to do it. Maybe you could bring it up again and tell her how much it would mean to have a full sibling relationship with them. After everything else you've been through, that doesn't seem like too much to ask!

[MegElizabeth]

just a little update on some things that have gone on since my last post.

I've been angry and having a hard time dealing with my issues involving my adoption. I wasn't sure how to cope with these issues and I knew that I needed to make contact with my bmom. I'm not the type of person to usually talk about my problems and I knew that I didn't want to have a conversation with her over the phone. The only thing I could think of doing was sending an email, so that's what I did. I basically poured out all of my emotions and feelings about the situation into it. I know some of the things I said probably weren't the nicest but it was all about getting all my thoughts out. I waited and waited for a response of some kind but got nothing. It's been almost 3 months since I sent the email. I haven't spoken to or heard anything from or about her in a long time. I just had my 24th birthday and ofcourse being an adoptee birthdays are always a tough time for me. I hoped that she would call me to tell me happy birthday but instead I received a comment on my facebook profile from her telling me, "Hope you have a great day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGHANN!". To me that's not personal and makes me feel unimportant. I don't know what to do anymore. A friend of mine suggested getting rid of anything that reminds me of her, deleting her from my friends list on facebook, and destroying pictures that I have of her and of me with her. I guess now I'm looking for more advice and support. I feel like this is ruining my life...I constantly feel angry and depressed and I noticed that I've started drinking more. I'm not happy and all I want is to be happy with my life. This problem is slowly destroying my relationship with fiance and it keeps me from letting people get too close. Any advice?

[JillnChris]

MegElizabeth,

First I want to thank you for coming here for support and being so candid about your feelings.
I am speaking to use as an adoptive mother, a birth sister (reunited), and a birth aunt(not reunited).
I can only imagine the feelings of hurt, anger and confusion you are going through right now. I think that is completely normal and I'm sure I would feel the same way if I were you.
The thing is, sometimes people make decisions without really thinking them through all the way. What sounds like a good idea when you are 22 may have actually been disastreous 20 years later. I firmly believe that "we do what we know, and when we know better we do better" ( I think that is Maya Angelou). It's great that you sent your mom an e-mail sharing your feelings. Maybe she was too scared to reply? Maybe she is not emotionally capable to deal with your strong feelings right now? I would try to send her another e-mail just saying that your hurt she did not respond and that you would like to talk to her in person. Who knows, maybe she didn't even get it? I doubt it, but I do think you should give her another chance to respond and that you owe it to yourself to figure out your past.
I am not an expert on adoptees feelings but I know there are a lot of books out there that discuss these topics. Maybe grab one and read it before trying to have a conversation with your mom.
One more suggestion, you might want to try role playing with a trusted person or counselor what you would like to say to your mom. Sometimes getting it all out is very theraputic but does not necessarily need to be said directly to the other person.

[CaddoRose]

I know what I'm going to say may seem simplistic and possibly flipant, but here it is:

You are not responsible for what other people do.

If you can come to an understanding about that simple phrase, then maybe it can help bring you some peace about your situation. We live our lives with expectations of how things are or will be. In your case, you developed ideas about your birthmom that turned out to be wrong and it is completely natural for you to have the reactions you are having.

You are at a point in your life where you can make the decisions for yourself. Everything that happened to you before was because of someone else's decisions. Enough of that. You can choose to live your life on your terms.

You can only control yourself now. My heart goes out to you as a read your story. Your pain my never go away, but don't let it define you and limit you.

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmom not in reunion I would like to think that I would expect my daughter to let me know what she wants from me. How fast she wants the relationship to move, how often she would like for us to contact one another, etc.