[sonata]

In the Old Testament, two women each claimed to be the mother of the same baby. They brought the dispute before King Solomon who commanded that the child be cut in two and divided between them. One woman agreed to the solution. The other said, "Give her the child, I'd rather lose him than see him die". Thus the dilemma was solved and the child was given to the real mother.

I feel like the 45 year old "baby" in this story. It makes me resentful and angry sometimes. And more and more I feel like the needs of adoptees should come FIRST and FOREMOST in any adoption issue, especially reunion. I know it sounds selfish but that is how I feel. I didn't ASK to be given up for adoption, to be adopted, to have my records closed and sealed, to have the facts hidden from me. I didn't ASK to have "two mothers" (and fathers). I didn't ASK to be put in the middle. But here I am. And what do I get for being in the middle? A huge, heaping helping of GUILT!

I feel guilty toward my a-parents for searching for my b-family. They feel that my b-family is irrelevant to my life, that my b-mother gave me up 45 years ago and should "stick to her end of the bargain" (their exact words!) They feel very strongly that "She is NOT YOUR MOTHER!" (exact words again.) Their position is that they are my one and only set of parents and that my family of origin has nothing whatsoever to do with who I am. They were only a means to an end for them to have a child. (I am not making this up!)

I feel guilty toward my b-mother. Since I met her, I have heard about the depression and the anguish she endured over losing me. I have heard about the Mother's Days and my birthdays that she has locked herself in her room and cried all day. I have heard about the obsession she has had over me nearly every day of my life since she gave me up. And mostly I have heard how I am the answer to her prayers, the end-all/be-all of her life right now. She has actually told me, "Your parents had you for 39 years, now its my turn".

I feel guilty for "betraying" my a-parents because that is exactly how they see it. I feel guilty for not returning my b-mother's smothering love and affection. I feel caught in the middle and torn apart. The end result is that I am angry at all of them! THEY made the choice to participate in an adoption. THEY knew (or should have known) that it wouldn't be an easy thing for them or for me and they should have been willing to accept the risks. Most of all they should be willing to put their own needs aside for my own emotional well being. But even though they all "love" me and supposedly want what is in my best interests, they don't see that they are being selfish by putting me in the position of divided loyalties. When I visited my b-family I felt like I was committing adultery - "cheating" on my parents! Then when my parents made their comments about my b-mother I felt like I had to come to her defense.

Take note, adoptive parents and birth parents. If you have needs in this situation, you can't meet them at the expense of your child who had no choice in the matter of adoption; your child who is simply trying to integrate the pieces of their life; your child who can love both of you - in different ways - without being disloyal; your child who just wants to make peace with this anomaly called "adoption" and find a healthy emotional equilibrium.

Your possessiveness will only hurt this child you love.

In my case the result has been that I have created some distance from both sets of parents. Like King Solomon suggested I almost feel like I have to cleave myself in two so they can each have a half. It shouldn't be that way! I didn't invent the idea of closed adoption (as it was practiced in the 60's). I personally think it is barbaric and unconscionable toward ALL the parties involved. But at the end of the day, the person who is hurt the most is the innocent party who had no say in the matter and is forever a child being torn apart.

[dpen6]

sonnata,

Just posted aresponse on your other thread.....

herehere to this post....in my situation I was lucky enough that my parents did not heave the WE are your parents stuff on me. my mom did understand my need to search and supported me in it. BUT the rest of society, other family, friends all had to put their 2 cents in. Even my husband made comments on who my real mother was. It took a while but finelly I figurred out...HEY WAIT..one cotton pickin minute here...I am a fairly intelligant person here.....I WILL DECIDE WHO MY MOTHERS ARE(I have 2) and I will decide how I will feel...nobody will tell me how to feel about my situation..especially when the very people have a vested interst in my feelings and try to manipulate my feelings into their situation, to further validate whatever they need to feel. talk about feeling like a pawn.

YUP...enough to make someone angry. I have come to the full realization that in my situation adoption was right for me, I have also realized that yes I was very lucky but not JUST because I was adopted but because both of my mothers gave me some measure of control over my situation. Thats is what you call respect and love....not possessivness, not owership but respect for the adult person that was born to one mother and raised by another.

I am still searching (well sorta.) for bfather but I am kinda sad in that I will probaly never find him. But agin, some of the comments i have received about "ruining his life, "the poor guy", and "what do you want to do THAT for" makes me angry. I am NOT looking for daddy, have an 80 year old one of those, I just want my biological information and have to deal with so many judgments from others that don't have a clue. Yup, makes me angry.

[MrsHoot]

I really do understand how you're feeling and I'm so sorry your at this point today.

The only thing I want to ad is you have a choice now. You have a choice in how you react. No one can "make"
you feel one way or another...how we feel is completly self contained...it is only dependent on ourselves. That is the choice you have today.

[sonata]

IMO, no one who is not adopted themselves has any right to make a judgement about how we deal with it. Whether we search or don't search. Whether we have a relationship with b-family or not. If we just want answers or whatever the reason we do what we do, NO ONE who isn't in our shoes can understand our needs.

Adoption is not a "normal" human condition. (I don't want to sound anti-adoption, but I am definitely anti-CLOSED adoption) Therefore there are no parameters that tell us what we SHOULD or SHOULDN'T feel about it.

Even though the trail seems cold for you, I hope you find your b-father if that is what you want. I understand 100%. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about your desire to do that. (BTW, I also had some jealous reactions from my b-mother when I looked up my b-father. Talk about possessive!!) And if you find him, again it is your call whether there is a relationship or you just want to get your questions answered.

I'm glad you have taken ownership of your situation and refused to let your feelings and actions be dictated by those who presume to sit in judgement.

[loveis]

I am so with you on this one! My husband has likened this to having an affair, I reply with "Yeah but I am not getting the benefits" LOL!!! I keep telling everyone, I am adopted, first of all it's OK to say that! And I didn't ask for it, I actually didn't really ask for reunion (long story) but all of this is fact, it is here. I am 37 for pete's sake, what now I am going to up and leave my family for a new one? HUH! I am not a little kid, my parents were around for everything, it can't be taken away why is this so bad??? And if they love me so much why aren't they there for me for the hardest thing I have ever had to go through? My mom told me I was being selfish about all of this! HA isn't that the pot calling the kettle black! GEEZ!!! I finally told my parents about all of this 3 months in, I knew how they would react and I needed to wait, so everything was hidden the first three months...GUESS WHAT...they are still hidden! It's all crazy and again you are so right WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS!!!

OK my ranting is now over. But thanks for your post I thought it was just me..... LOL! I know nothing about what I am going through is just me, that is what is so great about these forums!

[hopefulcathy]

This thread is so on the money (and I'm a BMOM!) it should be a sticky.

I am approaching everything I say and do with my bson with everything you have said here in mind. I have told my eager extended family to have no expectations for a long term relationship or even reunion, it is all up to him and in his timing.

In his first email, he apologized for not responding sooner. I took the opportunity to tell him that for me, and for his sake, to never ever apologize for anything to me. He seemed to understand immediately what that meant, and appreciate it.

It is all about him, and since our first phone call last week, I have told him to do, say, not do, not say, whatever is most comfortable for HIM. I never want him to feel torn apart, nor do I want him to feel rejected or unloved by me, his first mom.

I put a moratorium on phone calls, emails and first visit, as a matter of fact, to make sure we have all our documents in order. The original agency is providing a social worker at their insistence, before they even verify that we are a match... and they convinced me it's the best way to go. After reading your post I can see why. His amom is recently widowed and in a very tender place emotionally, he doesn't even want to ask for his b/c, so that is why I contacted the agency (to see if they will open up their records for him).

the first phone calls were exhilarating and emotionally exhaustiing, and who can keep that up? I want us all to take a little breather and get our heads straight, so NO ONE feels bad. In the meantime, I am gathering up all the genaeology, medical and family records and photos I can find to send him. I have a feeling he has lots of questions, and I've told him I will answer every one of them honestly and not hide anything.

He is a young dad with a growing family, a new baby, and a hectic schedule. The last thing he needs is to feel squeezed or have demands placed on him that he can't meet.

I am so grateful just to know that he is okay, that he loves his afamily and they gave him a happy, balanced childhood. They sound like wonderful people. What more could I ask for??

God bless all adopted babies! May you all find what you search for, WHATEVER that may be!

[Jinxie64]

Originally Posted by hopefulcathy

This thread is so on the money (and I'm a BMOM!) it should be a sticky.

I am approaching everything I say and do with my bson with everything you have said here in mind. I have told my eager extended family to have no expectations for a long term relationship or even reunion, it is all up to him and in his timing.

In his first email, he apologized for not responding sooner. I took the opportunity to tell him that for me, and for his sake, to never ever apologize for anything to me. He seemed to understand immediately what that meant, and appreciate it.

It is all about him, and since our first phone call last week, I have told him to do, say, not do, not say, whatever is most comfortable for HIM. I never want him to feel torn apart, nor do I want him to feel rejected or unloved by me, his first mom.

I put a moratorium on phone calls, emails and first visit, as a matter of fact, to make sure we have all our documents in order. The original agency is providing a social worker at their insistence, before they even verify that we are a match... and they convinced me it's the best way to go. After reading your post I can see why. His amom is recently widowed and in a very tender place emotionally, he doesn't even want to ask for his b/c, so that is why I contacted the agency (to see if they will open up their records for him).

the first phone calls were exhilarating and emotionally exhaustiing, and who can keep that up? I want us all to take a little breather and get our heads straight, so NO ONE feels bad. In the meantime, I am gathering up all the genaeology, medical and family records and photos I can find to send him. I have a feeling he has lots of questions, and I've told him I will answer every one of them honestly and not hide anything.

He is a young dad with a growing family, a new baby, and a hectic schedule. The last thing he needs is to feel squeezed or have demands placed on him that he can't meet.

I am so grateful just to know that he is okay, that he loves his afamily and they gave him a happy, balanced childhood. They sound like wonderful people. What more could I ask for??

God bless all adopted babies! May you all find what you search for, WHATEVER that may be!

Hi,

I too am a birthmom whose just recently been reunited with my daughter. I am absolutely ecstatic at the moment.

I have made it very clear to her that I understand she has parents and a wonderful family. I do not desire to disrupt, demand or disrespect.I am so very grateful for them and thank them from the very bottom of my heart. In fact this is all to go at a pace that is comfortable for her! Everyone should always remember that as I feel it's so very important.

[amollie]

I think you and I might have some issues in common. Read my post (not posted just yet, but probably by tomorrow). "Can Pandora's Box be Closed....advice?"

[amollie]

It would be nice if all BMOM's were like you. I wish mine was (read my Pandora's Box post for more if you want). I hope things work out for you and your son.