[Jennasmom1990]

I have posted my story about this on another thread titled...just dont know the right way (or something like that)

So I finally gave in a agreed to everything the amom has wanted. DD will be meeting my "raised" children while we are on vacation, against mine and my husbands better judgement. Actually against the judgement of all the counselors involved, but my DD wants badly to meet them so we all came to a happy compromise. (yes i mean the amom agreed as well.)

Well, now that we are just a few weeks from leaving the amom is now trying to change the whole agreement. She agreed that my DD could meet my "raised" children at my in-laws without her being present. That is an environment that my "raised" children would be comfortable enough in to feel that the compromise was good. Now the amom is saying that she HAS to be there or it won't happen.

Again...another agreement made and another agreement broken. It is driving me crazy bc i feel like she is controlling everything...and in my opinion this is the one place she does not have the right to control. My DD is now 18 and although i do know that not all 18 year olds are ready for this my DD has made it clear that she is. I have met with her f2f once already and have spent endless hours on the phone with her. I feel like I have a good enough grasp on her personality to know that when she says she is ready she is being honest with me.

So here is my question...should i address this with the amom and if so how do i go about doing it... or let it go and hope that once it is time for them to meet she will remember the orginal agreement. I just dont know what to do...i feel like the amom is trying to make me chose sides...

[JustPeachy]

How does the daughter feel about her amom being there? Is she ok with it, or would she rather her not be there? It would be best if your daughter decide, without pressure from anyone, what she would like, and then could handle this between her and her mom, rather than you getting into it with the amom.

If the amom is there, will it be a terrible inconvenience for you, or are you more upset that she is changing the arrangement around on her terms?

[curiositykitten]

I would let your daughter decide what she wants. If she wants her Amom there or not. If she doesn't. Then I would let her try to communicate that to the amom.

The amom seems extremely insecure and this may be why she wants to be there in the middle of things.

[RavenSong]

Jennasmom, if you tell the amom that she can't be present when your daughter meets her siblings, I'm just afraid this will turn into a great big contest between the two of you. It might be easiest just to give in on this issue. Is there a specific reason that you don't want her there?

As I recall, your daughter is unable to stand up to her mom when it comes to reunion issues. If Jenna is the one who doesn't want her mom to come, then she should be the one to tell her. If she can't stand up for herself on this issue, I personally don't think she should expect you to tell her mom not to come.

Her mom obviously is having some major control issues. I'm sorry you're going thru this...

[agathaj]

I'd let it go. I bet she doesn't turn up on the day. I imagine she just wants to feel in control and if you let her feel that way then she'll probably back down.

[Jackiejdajda]

I do not have any answers.. so I thought I would look at Melody Beatties daily reader.. The Language of Letting Go..
Her wisdom..

page 262


Perspective

Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.

That will make us crazy.

We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we’ve been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we need to recycle, why we have to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door is closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.

Perspective will come in retrospect.

We cold strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.

Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control..

Now is the time to be. To feel.. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.

In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work our for the good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today’s events will hold in the larger picture.

Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for the good in my life – better than I can imagine..




In reunion I think a lot of us have a fantasy on how its going to go.. and when that fantasy that dream does not play out we are disappointed.
Reality is reality.. and accepting this and letting go of the fantasy or want or desire may be what is needed..

Your birthdaughter may need what is happening to happen.. who knows..
The amom may need this more than anything and if she is able to be there she may back off in the future.. it may ruin this vacation but lead to more much more.. Letting go is really really a good thing to do..

Jackie

[Dickons]

I wasn't going to chime in but Jackies post is so very true on so many levels.

From an adoptee...
The first thing I did after I met my birth aunt and received a picture of my mother was drive to my mom's house to show her the picture and tell her all about it. She is my mom and even if we did not have a good relationship she would be who I wanted to tell because she is my mom. Totally different from my mother who gave birth to me.

I find people seem to try to make it a competition/struggle to have the alpha role between adopted and birth parents when in reality they are unique roles that cannot be filled by the other. Adoptee's have two sets of parents...that is the effect of adoption and anyone wanting to be part of the triad needs to realize the tug-of-war only hurts everyone in the long run.

To Jennasmom...
Good luck on your vacation, I wish the most peaceful loving reunion to you.

Kind regards,
Dickons