[kakuehl]

Is there someone else you can talk to in your birthfamily?
If she's that clingy with you, she may well be clingy with them. Is so, how do they deal with it? Maybe they could encourage her to get some grief counseling.

Have you tried writing a letter? Work on it until you are satisified with it... then mail it. I would not use email; I have found too often that emails can be intrepreted in ways not intended.

Try to remember that her clinginess, emotion, etc. is not your fault, nor your problem to fix. It may be hard not to feel guilty, but you need to be who you are and she needs to see you as who you are.

My reunion with D has gone well, but I had worked on my grief over the years. My goal was to provide what he needed in terms of info, etc. Frankly, I'm enjoying getting to know this person who is "flesh of my flesh", whom I have loved for over 35 years, without the baggage that parenting a child brings into an adult relationship. (As my mother once said, "When I'm 90 and your 70, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do.") We have our own baggage of course, dealing with adoption issues, but he has accepted that I didn't place him for adoption because I didn't love him.

I wish you well on your journey!

[RavenSong]

I agree with Kathy about writing a letter to your bmom, not email. I think we all know how darn easy it is to misinterpret things said in email. There's also something just more tangible and satisfying about reading (and writing, too!) a handwritten letter.

Have you only visited with each other in person three times during the past six years? If she lived closer to you, I would advise you to actually see her more often for a while. Sometimes people aren't so "clingy" or "smothering" once they get to know someone else on a more casual basis. I know I'm not explaining this very well...

When I first met my son, I was living in another state. The initial reunion was very emotional for both of us, almost overwhelming for him. I moved back home shortly after our reunion, and started seeing him on a weekly basis. We soon became used to each other's personalities and nuances. I knew if I didn't hear from him for a week or two that I would see him again soon. I didn't feel frantic that I would lose him again. Since we got to know each better, there wasn't that need to keep talking about how I had missed him, how much I loved him, etc. We became comfortable with each other. I think if I hadn't moved back to my hometown, it would have been very different. Because then it would have been such a huge deal to see each other. Instead of knowing me on a "vacation" basis, he got to know me on an "everyday life" basis.

I know you've said that you're satisfied with the information you received and that you really weren't interested in forming a relationship with your bmom. Would you feel differently if she wasn't so smothering and clingy? Would you mind having a friendship-type relationship with her if her behavior was different? If her behavior is the problem, I'm willing to bet she can learn to change it. But you need to tell her what it is you want and need. Try writing a letter. You might be surprised...

[JustPeachy]

I think you can find a way to tell her kindly and directly, as you have stated it here. Maybe write it out in a letter so she can sit with your words and really absorb them. If you wish to open the door for contact again, state the terms you are comfortable with, maybe starting very slowly and seeing how things progress.

Can you find any commonalities at all between you and your bmom?

You are expressing that you are opposite of your mom, and that you are not passive and clingy but rather assertive and independent. If that is true (and I don't doubt that it is), you already have the tools to handle direct communication with her without crumbling or being afraid of her emotional reactions.

I wonder, too, if you would have found a different person, more like yourself, would you still want only to satisfy your curiosity about your bmom or get basic info about your background? Would you have been willing to have a relationship with your bmom had she not bombarded you with extreme emotions?? If you get back in touch with her, and even after you spell everything out honestly, kindly and directly, she starts up again (and she probably will, as a person's emotional expression is not going to change overnight), stop her right there and say "Jane, I'm not comfortable with that, please stop." If she keeps ignoring your boundaries, tell her you will have to hang up/end the conversation and follow through. Of course, this may seem like too much work to go through for someone you are not sure you want to have a relationship with. That is why you should start slowly if you want to open the door again, maybe just do cards/letters, or some updates even through an intermediary to let her know how you are doing from time to time. See how it progresses from there, or maybe you will find a comfort zone in just corresponding in letters. There is nothing wrong with that. Some of my closest friends and I only communicate in email or the occasional phone call.

I had to set very strict boundaries with my own mother (I'm not an adoptee, but I had a very overbearing, emotionally needy and controlling mother with a whole host of other issues I will not get into here). It did take work and it took a long time to get where we are today, but she does respect my boundaries and sometimes when she slips up (it happens less and less frequently as time goes on), I simply reassert myself with her.

I'm also a big believer in professional counseling, especially for those going through reunion issues. I honestly don't know how anyone can deal with the very strong emotions that come up on all sides of the triad without it.

Are you still in touch with your birth siblings? Can they offer you any guidance with regard to your mom? I'm sure they can give you some valuable insight and may even be able to act as intermediaries on your behalf, if that is something they and you would be comfortable with.

As regards your husband handling this, I'd say you'd feel stronger in the long run if you did it yourself. Whenever I have had to face similar issues, as difficult as they are, I always feel more "adult like" (for lack of a better term) when I handle it myself.

[efokes]

Originally Posted by sonata

Thanks for the replies everybody!

I know the situation is mostly my own fault for going along with the relationship on her terms for so long - even when I wasn't comfortable with it. She was SO torn up over losing me when I was born and afraid of losing me again that I was always trying to reassure her.

Every time I talked to her it was the same refrain "when are you coming to see me?" I got in the trap of saying I would "try to come this summer" just to get her off my back and then when it didn't work out the guilt got even worse. The last time that happened, last summer, I felt so guilty for doing it yet again that is when I really started shutting her out. She didn't reproach me for it but I almost wish she HAD because then I could have come clean with her and not feel so GUILTY! Instead she emailed me that she was going to come here and visit me this Spring instead. Uh,oh....I don't want that either! So that is when I just stopped responding altogether. I just didn't have an answer for that. How can I be cruel enough to say, "No, I don't want you to come here". It was a cop out, I know, but just easier not to answer at all. SIGH....I really messed it up.

She has come to visit twice in the past 6 years - I have been there once. The visits were mostly about her smothering me and telling me over and over (and over and over!) how much she loves me, doesn't want to lose me, blesses the day I found her, etc. I hear about her years of depression and therapy dealing with giving me up for adoption and how me coming back into her life is the greatest thing that ever happened to her. That is an INCREDIBLE burden to put on someone. She obviously "loved" me all my life because I am her baby. But I was only curious about her, how can I love someone I never knew? But she expected that from me and I never had the heart to tell her any different. She even insists that I call her "Mom" but I have my own Mom! I just can't deal with that.

Sorry to ramble, but again thanks for the replies. You have given me some things to think about.......

I can understand the feelings of guilt. However, you are really lucky. My birth-mom *hates* me because I made my half-sister cry (she was cruel to me and so I said "good riddance"). She is more interested in my half-sister than my whole siblings, to boot.

With that said, I think that in either case, limits are a necessary thing to impose. Remember basic boundary information from psychology. I can't recall the parameters that they give, but there is probably a website with the information on it. I would say that biological families fall between the "strangers" and "immediate family" parameters. While they are family, they are strangers to us until such time as we meet. Just some thoughts... suffocation can be as bad as rejection, imho

[Anetscat66]

I have expierenced some of the same feelings as you and many others!
A majority of my siblings and birth family get along so great and then there is my birthmom! I am not clingy and consider myself to be strong yet laid back! Growing up I had a lot of resentment and learned to deal with all my feelings of abandenment. I found my birthmom back in 2002 and have made several attempts to make contact. I write her on most holidays ( no pressure) and have tried calling her on several occasions, but don't get a call back. She does however tell my Aunt Joanne to tell me hello, but there is no sort of communication.
I have backed off quite a bit and all I can do is hope that she comes around some day!
I wish you the very best and I would like to end with this, don't ever feel bad about your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do!
Hugs dear friend and you take care.