[whatamess]

Hi guys, I just need some advice. I am a 37 year old male adoptee. I was contact by the adoption Agency about 1 1/2 year ago that a biological relative wanted to make contact with me. I let the letter sit on the counter for a few weeks. Then I decided to do a search on the computer to see what I could find with the little information I knew about my adoption. Well I found a psoting a replied to it. The unbieleveable part is it was actual. The Responder was who is no my half sister who said she and her mother were searching. My half sister and myself hit it off right form the beginning. I was hesitant to proceed to fast with the bio mother. as we exchange info. We got to the point of verifying through the agency and found out it was a match. so, so , so much has happened between then and now. I have met both my half sister and Bio. they flew out 2 times a piece to visit. However my bio and myself can not get on the same page. Many ups and downs, mostly Downs. She did contact the bio Father, and about 1 minute before he came on my instant messenger she tells me "I din't tell you about the obituary I placed for you that you were a still born baby. Which completely through me for a loop right before my 1st words to him. almost like she sabatoged this part right from the beginning. I now have a copy of the obituary. So one huge blow up after this happened. We got through it, made it a couple weeks then the next blow up, She doesn't like some of the things I say, so she decides to send everybody copies of our arguments on Instant messenger. Sabatoging any realations I might have had an opportunity to build. She is a recovering Drug attic and has cleaned her self up to be a resppectable but highly immature adult. she seems happy in her life and her grandchildren love her. Which leads to my kids, yes they have met her.. only by 1st name basis, they are to young to understand, she sends them gifts and cards and is good to them. Again her and I can not get on the same page, and continually fight. almost as if she feeds off of fighting with me. name calling, down grading one another, almost to the point of who can hurt the others feelings the worst. All together there are 4 children including me, 2 half sister's and 1 brother. I have called the brother serval times and he wants nothing to do with me. actually I called him yesterday to let him know I might be in the area (he does not live far from where I am) his response was " I have a shotgun and will shoot you" ..pretty nice huh.. I will admit I have nit said the nicest things in some of our arguments and probaly just added more fuel to the fire. I have dealt with this on my own will talking a little bit about it with my wife and My "Parent" and even allowed my bio to meet them. now I am at the point of being just completely drained.. it is effecting our home live, my Job, and almost to the point of being completely lost and not knowing what to do.. part of me says "Run like hell" part of me says "just let it go" I just feel like this needs to end, yet there is myself and my sister's who communicate more then good, we are all just sick and tired of the continual arguing between bio & me.

What a mess & what to do???

[Longtimewaiting]

I am a birth mother not in reunion so maybe I should not give an opinion. My gut reaction to all of this is that you should be grateful that your bio did not raise you. Im sorry to be so blunt, but good lord (a comment from your brother about him having a gun??!!). You have found your bio family, and some family members are better that others. You know where you stand, and you do have a relationship with some siblings. Personally I would have to say, be grateful for all that you have and have found out. If it were me, I would only communicate with the half-sister, and I would stand back from the bio-mom. She doesnt sound like shes playing with a full deck. What disagreements the two of you have should stay between the two of you and not broadcasted through out the whole family.

[Jackiejdajda]

There are consequences to actions and I do not think a birthmom should get a free ride..
She IMO is treating you wrong.. sending private missives to all and sundry is wrong.. and can not be accepted..
I do not think you are obligated to be nice.. here..

I would say no to all of them.. except the one you want to deal with and if the one you want to deal with does not want to be into the situation then you can walk away from that as well..

When I met my bson when I contacted my bson I walk on eggshells.. I make sure I do no harm..

Respecting the other person in a reunion needs to be prime.. again IMO.. and you have not been shown respect.. and that is a deal breaker to me.. especially in an emotional situation such as this..
You owe her nothing..

Jackie

[snuffie]

I am a reunited adoptee not a birth mom but I have to agree with the others. If she were a "friend" would you take this from her? I doubt it. It may be time to step away from her and make contact only with your sister. It sounds like your bmom definitely has some issues and that she is very good in getting you to respond emotionally to them. As she is a recovering addict, there may be co dependency issues here too. Maybe speaking with a couselor who specializes in that area (hopefully one who also has dealt with adoption) would help.

[EZ2Luv]

I searched out of medical nessecity, I dound that my biomom had passed away, however I was met with great resistance and ager from my biosibs. Only one was seemingly accepting to me only because she was able to play me financially because she and her husband are druggies. After what I have been through my only advice to you is to get as far away from these people as possible for your own sanity. Life is just too shirt to have to be aggravated and unhappy all the time. You are not responsible for your bios happiness and it is clear that regardless of her abstaining from sbstance abse she still has many underying issues that will pull you down, This relationship is toxic and eventually it will ruin your family. I say cut your losses and run. You have lived 37 years without these people, you met them and gave them a chance. I think you know the answer is to leave them be, Sadly your bmother is much like mine was(I knew her growing up just not as my bmom)a liar and a manipulator. In my case it has made me even more grateful I was not raised by her.

EZ

[sonata]

LET IT GO!

Stay in touch with Sis on the side. Life is too short to be bogged down in a toxic relationship. You said it right, it is draining. And it will continue to drain you until you say "enough" and move on. You owe b-mom nothing at this point except your best wishes for the rest of her life! No long drawn out arguments or explanations except that it is time for you to move on and cultivate positive relationships in your life. YOU ARE IN CONTROL!

Good luck, sorry you are in such a mess

[SADNI]

In Defense Of Myself..i Am A Recovering Drug User...35 Plus Recovering With No Back Slides So This Is Not Pertinent To Anything What So Ever.
Because Some One Posts Something Doenst Make It Necessarily All True. Yes The Situation Is Volitale...hes His Bio Brother Is Not Interested But He Continues To Pursue On Weekends When He Is Accompnied By His Fried 'bud' ! His Relationships With His Sisters Are Just That...his.
I Have Not Spoken To Or Written To Him In Almost A Month...so He Calls My 82 Year Old Mother And Gets Her Very Upset Because I Wont Take His Calls. It Is Difficult To Say The Least.
He Says He Doesnt Want Anything To Do With Me Yet Last Weekend He Called 3 Times, Emailed X2 2 And Called Mom 3 Times. Again All This Only Goes On When He Is Accompanied By His Friend 'bud',


Weiser That Is.
Aside From Being Recovered 35 Plus Years I Have Held A Wonderful Job At A Local Hospital For Many Years...am Involved In Raisinf Funds Dor Local Charities, Have A Small Business Etc.
And As He Says...my Grandchildren Whom I Adore Love Me Very Much...how Bad Can I Be...
So I Feel His Sending Me This Is Just Another Attempt To Get My Attention. But 'bud' Will Have To Be Gone For Me To Participate. Thanks For Listening.

[sonata]

Who Are You And What Is Up With Capitalizing All Your Words??? Huh? What's Up With That? Where Did You Learn To Write? Are You Putting Us On With This Post?

[JPDakota]

I'm thinking a person should have the option of defending themselves - no? Also, some online tools and certain browsers are not completely compatible with others. One result is they capitalize every word. Granted not very many, but some do. I don't know if that is the case with Sadni or not. Just FYI.

[sonata]

Possibly that is what happened, but I kind of doubt it since a few random words were not capitalized.

I'm not saying that everyone is expected to have flawless writing skills, but if someone wants to be taken seriously they need to at least be able to write legibly. No one wants to decipher a bunch of gibberish like that. If you have something to say, take the time to write it out in a way that others can understand what you're really saying without the Emphasis On Every Word That No One Wants To Read. Otherwise, that is a post I'm not going to take the time to read and/or take seriously.

Just My Own Opinion!

[BrandyHagz]

First and foremost – we’re not going to start an attitude of attacking, simply because someone doesn’t write up to our standards – so that needs to stop now. If you want perfect grammar, punctuation, spelling and proper use of capitalization, please read a book. These are normal people, with varying degrees of ‘skill’ when it comes to forums posting and/or writing in general.

For the record, I have the forums set to remove the ‘caps’ when someone posts a message in all caps. The result is a message that “Looks Like This And Capitalizes The First Letter Of Every Word” – its not a wonderful solution – but honestly, it’s BETTER THAN AN ENTIRE POST LIKE THIS.

Second – we do not and are never going to allow users to wage their personal wars between the members of their triad on our forums. Healthy discussion and respectful interaction is always welcome – but waging personal wars on the forums isn’t something we’re every going to allow.

If the members of this triad would like to discuss their personal issues on their own threads, without back and forth fighting/accusations fine. But the battles need to take place off forum and most likely, face to face, so that issues can be identified and addressed.

I ask that SADNI and whatamess please respect the rules and guidelines of this forum and take any interaction that results from whatamess seeking support here, off forum.

SADNI – you are welcome to create your own support thread if you’d like, but whatamess’ thread needs to be left alone. Regardless of your accusations regarding the factualness of his post, he obviously is in need of some support and guidance and out of respect for his needs, you do need to allow him a place for that.

Hopefully, this thread can turn around to a place of support and guidance – but I won’t hesitate to ban those users from this thread, who can’t do that.

[whatamess]

I appreciate everyone's honesty. I have concluded to just let go. It simply is not worht it for 2 people to make one aother liives miserable. I knew better when this all started, Actually I always said I wonder if I have sibblings out there. So the best Part is finding out I do. I agree with the moderator that this form is for advice, not arguing or involing others into immediate realtionship issue's. I will read the post and educated myself from others experiences and move on. I will always talk to my sisters, but will always feel that all the damage that has been done really played a negative effect on this whole thing. I never realized how one single person can bring out the absolute worst in a person. To be honest I am sick of feeling the way I do. it Truly is unfortuniate that this person was more in it for themselve and has really lost out on a wonderful opportunity to be apart of, but Trust is one huge factor when it comes to this type of reunion. if this is no trust then we as individuals have nothing. Trust was already was already an issue because of circumstance. selfisness over took companionship, persitance overtook loyality, and the most important thing I would like to share with Bio- moms searching is strong words, my son, what will you children call me, brothers and sisters (use names).. strong words start the beggining of building the gaurding wall. Please remember that the child will be in limbo for quite some time and every thought of evry minute will be about this, it becomes overwelhming, and it is as simple as the wrong "strong word" will set he/she off.

Your all are great people, for those of you who have reunoted and have been successful, I appluad you to the highest extend. The unsucseesful reunions like what has happen with mine, I feel your pain.

Just know the most impotant word IMO is Friendship, If you/we look for friendship great things will come, If we look for more immeadiately the end result is unsuccessful.

Love your family, children and anyone who is willing to be a positive aspect of your life..

thanks again, will just be reading the forum from here on out.. If I get to a point where the frustration of letting go is bothering me, I might pop in for some encouarging words..

Good luck and I wish you all succsess..

[whatamess]

over a full week of no communication with her.. and I feel like a million bucks. Feels like I took 1 million punds of stress out of my life.. almost back to a sense of normality and i am loving it..

[rubornn61]

I deeply and sincerely wish you all the best. You sound like a wonderful person who deserves true happiness. My best wishes to you.