[danap2]

Hi to all on this site

This is my story I am an adoptee to a wonderful family, now I have a family of my own which is great. And today is my birthday and I am home on this site that I have not been on in months looking for answers,

I am 44 thanks to the b mom that did not terminate her pregancy in 1963. But she wants nothing to do with me. But I have meet some of my family on both sides and they are great. I have 2 great kids 14/16 that are my life even when they think we are wrong and to demanding.
Well her was yesterday I had to drive my daughters car thought I would be nice and clean it up for her while picking up the trash out of the car I found a reciept for a pregancy test OMG whats up. She has seen me though the ups and downs of searching, finding b parents, attending my b dads funeral, seeing me lie to my Mom ( adopted one) that I have not found my b parents. Seeing me cry for days over this search , finding them and being rejected. And she might be pregant, well it was not her test it was for a friend, Which I do trust her greatly. But now lets look at the whole story 17 years ago we had a friend and I sat down with his daughter to talk about safe sex she told me it was to late, She was with child and wanted me to take care of arranging ending her pregancy,which I did at the same time I was trying with all my might to have a child. So I was ending one life and trying to start another :eek
Then yesterday I was sitting thinking what I am going to do if my own daughter is with child-would I support the ending of an unborn childs life to make her life better, would I have her give up the child and have that child go through what I have been through and have her always wonder about her child :confused. and what was going on with it waiting all her life to see if someone would write that letter and say Hi I am your child. This is an never ending thought that we adoptees and birth parents are in.
We just need to all sit back and take a reality check of everything that we do and what the others are feeling.
Since we can never get into mind of some one else.
We can only do our best and pray for everyone that their lives work out in what ever path they follow. And that as parents of children that we can do our best to teach & show them the right path but they must make thier own mistakes and learn from them
dana

[SuddenlySusan]

First, let me say Happy Birthday to you, Dana!


I had a similar experience with my daughter when she was a teen. It turned out that she was not pregnant, but it did provide an opportunity to look at the questions and issues you brought up. (Two years ago, she had her first child at age 28, as a single mom, with the full support of her family.)

The discussion we had when she was a teen was that if she became pregnant, we would support her in whatever decision she made. That's hypothetical, though... do we really know how we will deal with things until we're in that situation?

What I think of now is my beautiful 2-year-old grandson. I also remember how much my own mother grieved over my decision to place my firstborn son for adoption when I was 18 in 1971. She begged me not to do it. I did what I thought was best for my son at that time, but times have changed. I look at my grandson and think... well, no family should be torn apart... no family needs to be torn apart if there are others who are willing to step up to the plate and assist.

As a grandmother, I will do whatever it takes to keep my family intact. I made this promise to my daughter 12 years ago when she was 18. Now, she is a 30-year-old single mom with a 2-year-old son, and I'm living up to that promise. Whatever it takes to keep our family intact.

Best wishes on your birthday, Dana...
Susan (first mom, in reunion)

Originally Posted by danap2

Hi to all on this site
We can only do our best and pray for everyone that their lives work out in what ever path they follow. And that as parents of children that we can do our best to teach & show them the right path but they must make thier own mistakes and learn from them
dana

[greencat]

Originally Posted by danap2

Since we can never get into mind of some one else.
We can only do our best and pray for everyone that their lives work out in what ever path they follow.

I am the birthmother to a 19 year old daughter, whom I found on myspace earlier this year. Later this month, she will be 20. I too have been spending increasing amount of time on the adoption support sites, looking for answers. You see, my daughter rejected me as well. Thanks for helping me see the answer <3

[danap2]

This is a quite from a recent letter from the Grandmother on B mom side. "Every since that first letter she (birthmom) has been on edge, she is gaining weight and I know that its on her mind all the time. I told her if she would accept this (me) then everythign would fall into place, I just dont understand why she is letting this go on so long. I pray to GOD that this will happen while I am still living"...I wish I could encourage you more, I just hope if you do reach her that you wont be hurt more. I have no idea how bad she (birthmom) was hurt, she knew she had made a terrible mistakem then when she had to give you up, well that was just the worst of all" "the harderst thing we did in 1963 was leave our familes and move to a new town & state. That was the hard part, having to see then, knowing that we hadnt got to soend time with them in their last years." (This was in refernce to the death of the great grandfather the month following my birth and also the death of an older brother to the GP's 3 threes later.) " No, I dont want you to think we regret moving it was hard to leave but once we moved we never looked back. This new location was & still is good for everyone."

This was written by my grandmother 91 years old which she is a great loving soul. THat has opened her heart to me & my family. She just has a hard time seeing that her daughter will not accept me as part of her life in some small way. She only sees the postive in what took place 44 years old. and with her age and that era I praise her for her open mind & heart.
Dana

[greencat]

I don't know how my daughter is doing at all ~ She had no idea she was adopted until I found her. I guess thats what makes it so hard for me, the constant worry. Worry of how being adopted is effecting her. The door is open for her, all she has to do is walk thru<3 Anyway, I came back tonight, to reread your quote. It really does put it into perspective for me, Im glad you have your grandmother. I pray for you, that your mother will come around and open her heart and arms to you. I pray for us both <3

[danap2]

Thanks Greencat
One thing with adoption & getting back together no matter how hard it is you can never give up. You did not give up on your daughter she was always be in your heart, and that will never change. As my birthmom will always be in my heart.

[Jackiejdajda]

A person blocks such a lot.. and moving to another state.. another place was the prime directive back then..

Don’t keep.. let go and forget.. redeem yourself.. find a husband.. crap

That’s the stuff that can not be gotten over.. My mom had a lot of things to say about the relinquishment of my son in 1965.
Lots of ways of solving my problems.. my “What have you done Jackie!”
Your birthmoms life has got some hard lessons in it.. and she may be having some resentments towards what happened in her life..
And these resentments may not be sorted in any way shape or form..

And I am sorry with the grandmother.. Life was so darn hard back then.. and the name of the game was move away and don’t talk about it..
You get so you can not talk about it.. can not turn around and face life..

My daughter got pregnant.. I have three birthgrandbabies that I will never know.. and my daughter had an abortion.
I may never be able to hold a grandbaby on my lap.. and that sucks..
But what can I do other than accept what life has handed me.. Keep trying with your birthmom..

Jackie

[FallenChild]

well said Dana- best, Fallen Child

[Moongrl22]

Originally Posted by greencat

I am the birthmother to a 19 year old daughter, whom I found on myspace earlier this year. Later this month, she will be 20. I too have been spending increasing amount of time on the adoption support sites, looking for answers. You see, my daughter rejected me as well. Thanks for helping me see the answer <3

I'm also a Bmother who has an almost 19 yrs old. She made contact with me through mail when she graduated at 17. I was SO over joyed, hopeful and happy but not everything turned out as I always pictured in my mind. She has the most amazing family. Her life was grand growing up. She is very religious and such a women of faith. She is just thankful to me for giving life to her. She wants to meet me some day down the road but she wants limited contact. We email two or three times a year. I email her every holiday because I want to but I don't hear from her much. It's been almost 2 years of emotional roller coaster. I just wanted to be part of her life some how and be an important person to her. I never want to replace her mom and dad or her life but I always thought we would have a connection. I was wrong! My worst fear about Adoption has come to reality; She doesn't see me as her loving birth mom but she see's me as a stork. My heart broke into little pieces but I had to get myself together and appreciate my life as it is today. I have three amazing children whom I love and adore. For some reason I kept my first born baby girl on this pedistal all these years and I keep her in my heart as my baby girl. She doesn't belong to me and that's reality. I'm at peace each day that passes by. I can't wonder and worry about her anymore because she has a life that I full and blessed. Don't get me wrong, I will always have a special place in my heart for her but a reunion is not in our cards. She has a full and happy life in front of her. I just have to be happy for that miracle.

[greencat]

Hi Moongrl Im sorry for your pain...I wish there were an easy answer. I don't know if a reunion will ever be in my cards either. Funny thing, you said a pedestle. Im wondering, did you actually grieve her loss prior to reunion? I mean, I kind of did the same thing, like all her life, when she was growing, I was able to focus on reunion. I mean, from the very day of relinquisment, I started to focus on reunion. So, I never really grieved. So when I found her on myspace this year, and was rejected, well, all those pent up emotions just flowed... and now I cant cut them off. Im not saying this is all the time, but, often enough. I am grieving her loss for the first time. Really letting myself feel the pain. Anyway, how long did it take for you to come to terms with it and move on, or do you just remain in this horrid state of emotional limbo that we've been in for so many years?

[Jackiejdajda]

I am grieving her loss for the first time. Really letting myself feel the pain. Anyway, how long did it take for you to come to terms with it and move on, or do you just remain in this horrid state of emotional limbo that we've been in for so many years?

The only way out is through.. and not grieving a terrible terrible loss is totally unhealthy.. IMO

I grieved nothing after I gave my son up.. I just put it away and got on with my life..
Ha..
No such luck..

When I met my bson I got angry.. I got into the angry stage of this.. Something I avoided for a very long time..

Well I lie I would get angry before but would not acknowledge it.. I just acted the anger out..

It’s a process to me (this grief of the loss of a child to adoption).. it has a beginning and an end or an acceptance..
We need to pay attention to it.. I think this was my hardest thing to do..

I am so used to just pushing the emotions back.. its sometimes automatic.. I do not know I am doing it..

Staying in it.. keeping in it.. letting it go through me and know it will pass is key..

I know now.. The only way out is through.. I read this below a long time ago.. and I realized I was trying to sort things like this man in this parable.. I got no help.. I got no therapy I got no information on how to do it.. I just kept trying to sort it all the wrong ways..

From Healing The Shame That Binds You.. John Bradshaw.. page 117

A Parable:

The Prisoner In The Dark Cave

There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.

After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.

As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9”, and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high..

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before the food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was 9 ½ feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.

One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness..



I never wanted to go into the grief.. into the process.. that you are now into..
But it’s the way out.. its the way to peace..and I urge you to stick with it.. stay with it.

And you get to do it in your time.. No one can tell you how to do it.. or when to do it..

Jackie

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by Moongrl22

I'm also a Bmother who has an almost 19 yrs old. She made contact with me through mail when she graduated at 17. I was SO over joyed, hopeful and happy but not everything turned out as I always pictured in my mind. She has the most amazing family. Her life was grand growing up. She is very religious and such a women of faith. She is just thankful to me for giving life to her. She wants to meet me some day down the road but she wants limited contact. We email two or three times a year. I email her every holiday because I want to but I don't hear from her much. It's been almost 2 years of emotional roller coaster. I just wanted to be part of her life some how and be an important person to her. I never want to replace her mom and dad or her life but I always thought we would have a connection. I was wrong! My worst fear about Adoption has come to reality; She doesn't see me as her loving birth mom but she see's me as a stork. My heart broke into little pieces but I had to get myself together and appreciate my life as it is today. I have three amazing children whom I love and adore. For some reason I kept my first born baby girl on this pedistal all these years and I keep her in my heart as my baby girl. She doesn't belong to me and that's reality. I'm at peace each day that passes by. I can't wonder and worry about her anymore because she has a life that I full and blessed. Don't get me wrong, I will always have a special place in my heart for her but a reunion is not in our cards. She has a full and happy life in front of her. I just have to be happy for that miracle.

sorry to hear that Moongrl - I feel your pain and healing; my bdaughter doesn't want any contact - at ALL!! - received one letter when I first contacted her and she sent me a nasty, angry letter (seem to me! )

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

It’s a process to me (this grief of the loss of a child to adoption).. it has a beginning and an end or an acceptance..
We need to pay attention to it.. I think this was my hardest thing to do..

yes - I'm at that acceptance point... I accept that she does not want contact - it hurts my heart - but... I have healed and will continue to pray for her change of heart - and go on with my life - as I have before I started this journey search! I am at peace that she had/has what I wanted for her... and this site helps me in a big way (especially you, Jackie!) Thank you - all!!

Originally Posted by Jackie

I am so used to just pushing the emotions back.. its sometimes automatic.. I do not know I am doing it..

Oh NO!! I do that too!! and didn't realize it until I had contact with my bdaughter... my god - soooo many "old" memories and emotions came back of that time - whew!! I made it!!

Originally Posted by Jackie

I never wanted to go into the grief.. into the process.. that you are now into..
But it’s the way out.. its the way to peace..and I urge you to stick with it.. stay with it.

And you get to do it in your time.. No one can tell you how to do it.. or when to do it..

Jackie

nice words, Jackie!

[Jackiejdajda]

Looking.. I remember when you first came on..

So may years.. and here we are..
I wander away sometimes and end up getting my nose bit off Owwwwww!

But this place is the best to me.. Thank you Brandi.. and all the moderators for keeping this place safe..

Acceptance.. and understanding that we can not change people and what has happened in our lives..
All we can do is be incredibly sad and process the emotions that were not allowed out when the trauma went down..
That is the most toxic thing for some of us birthmoms.. IMO..
Not allowing the feelings to run their course..

Jackie

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Looking.. I remember when you first came on..

So may years.. and here we are..
I wander away sometimes and end up getting my nose bit off Owwwwww!

Oh - I do remember when I finally found this site... I thought it would be quite easy to find my daughter - and all would be well.... LOL!!! boy - what a difference 3 years makes...

Originally Posted by Jackie

Acceptance.. and understanding that we can not change people and what has happened in our lives..
All we can do is be incredibly sad and process the emotions that were not allowed out when the trauma went down..
That is the most toxic thing for some of us birthmoms.. IMO..
Not allowing the feelings to run their course..

Jackie

Oh so true Jackie!! I definitely have Acceptance... I can not change what happened 38 years ago - but sure WISH I could!! And I've re-played this SO many times in my head over the last year.... but nothing can be changed, unfortunately... life goes on - but I pray every night she has a change of heart...