[ukadoptee1968]

Hi, My name is simon, I was born in 1968, in a place called Woking, in Surrey, England.At 6 weeks I was adopted into the family I was raised in. I remember being told I was adopted at 9 years old, but my mother tells me she told before that, I don't remember. I do remember
feeling very angry, frustrated, and worried that I would never see my birth mother. I felt that it was very unfair. When I was 10 they took me up to see Woking, I really wanted to see it, and I also got a town street map too, from somewhere, I can't remember where. I appreciated my parents doing this for me.

Over the years, I couldn't decide whether to seek contact or not, I was frightened of rejection, she might be dead, or something like that. But around xmas 2000, I finally decided that I was
more frightened of not doing it, or leaving it too late, and living with that regret, than I was of anything else, so I sent a cheque off, together with my details, to the office of national statistics, they told me that there was no one connected with me on their register, people put there names on there if they want to be found.

They gave my details to the social services, and I went along to an appointment in march 2001, I knew that her surname was Suter, and that she had two brothers, her father was a painter and decorater, and roughly what her appearance was. I was told that her first name was 'Gay' and this really got me excited.

A month later I had my next appointment, and she gave me my birth records for both my mother and father, they had the old addresses on them and lots of other stuff, I didn't know much about my father, apart from that he came from a middle class background, and had been privately educated like me. I now had his name, Christopher Westcott, I was blown away with all this.

I knew that there was a very real possibility that she may not want any contact, or might be dead, so I thought I would get as close as I could without contacting her(I now had both hers and my fathers' addresses, and phone no's, from out of the phone book).

The next step, then, was going up to the house where my mother had lived, this was in a little village just outside Guildford , I don't drive, so I got the train up there, which took nearly 2 hours, I was so nervous, it was as if I was going to be found out at any minute,as though I was intruding into her world, but it was also my world too, my roots, where it all started.

I got there and walked into the small, post war built council estate, and then I was there, outside the semi-detached red bricked house. I really felt as if at any minute, someone would challenge me about what I was doing, but of course no one did. After a while I made my way back home, stopping off at Guildford to have a look round, wondering if any of my birth relatives where in town that afternoon, looking at anyone I thought looked like me at all.

A couple of months after this I went up to the mother and baby house, in Woking, where I spent the first 6 weeks of my life. I had all the same feelings as I'd had going to her old house, and once I'd seen it, I felt good. I tried to find the hospital where I was born, but it had been knocked down.

In the meantime, I had been up to the Family Records Centre, in London, where I found out that I had two half sisters, Claire, who was born in 1974, and Helen, who was born in 1977, and that my mother had married twice, and that she wasn't in any of the deaths (which I checked first), also I found out abit about my two uncles, Tom and Robert, they were younger than Gay.

In July 2001, I finally plucked up the courage to write a letter that would be sent by my social worker, who first sent a letter to her, saying that she had some information for her.
One afternoon I got a call from the social worker to say that she'd spoken to Gay, but that Gay hadn't told her daughters about me, and she didn't want contact at the moment.

Two weeks went by, and then I got a letter with a photo of me and her, this was overwhelming, I kept rereading it, and looking at the picture, I had told my line manager, and she was very supportive, and pleased for me.

After this, we wrote to each other she said she she couldn't keep up with me, and after writing for about three weks, she phoned me, as I was at work, it was only for about 10 minutes, but the next day I called her, and we talked for 2 hours, we did this every week for about 2 years.

In october 2001, we met up, halfway between where we each lived, we were together for 9 hours, she showed me some photos of her family, and we walked from cafe to cafe, and in the park, at one point we hugged, and she told me she loved me, I told her that I loved her, and that I thought that that was what I had always needed to hear, it was amazing, just amazing, I didn't want to leave her, and it felt like a wrench when we finally did leave each other to say goodbye.

Then a month later she came down to see me, and we had lunch, then my adoptive mother came to meet us, as arranged, and she drove us around for an hour or so, to all the houses where I'd lived, and the schools I'd gone to, this was my idea, as I thought it may be awkward just sitting in a room, it went ok, but I don't think Gay was that bothered about the places where we'd lived, she was also shown photos of me growing up, too.(which she said afterwards made her quite emotional).

Then it was my turn to go and see her, and meet my half sisters, I got the train up there, and we got to Gays' house, her husband came in from work, and we chatted for a bit, before he went out to give us some space.

After what seemed like an eternity, my nerves were shot by this time, and Gay phoned both of them to see whether they were on their way.
Helen came first, we hugged, and talked for abit, then Claire arrived, she more reserved, we just shook hands. during the time we were together, we talked about our lives, they told me the story of how Gay told them about me. She had phoned both of them and told them she had something to tell them, they said they were worried, not knowing what it could be. They sat down and she told them they had a brother, they said they knew that already, (they had two step brothers).
but then Gay elaborated, they were gobsmacked, and asked about me, when were they going to meet me, etc.

We had lots in common, Claire had had a shopping problem, I had had a drink/drugs problem, and Helen said she had OCD, we had a number of shared interests, also I was told that my auntie Evelyn had been very intuitive, as am I. And they told me about my uncles, who shared a number of interests with me, too.

Claire had to leave at about 5 pm, due to other stuff she had to do, then we went to see my grandad, who was really pleased to see me, he was 88 at the time, and he didn't and still doesn't say much, but he's a lovely old man.Also my uncle Tom, and cousin Kim were there too, it was strange because, I am quite quiet, and I'm used to being around my family who aren't quiet, especially my adoptive mother, who talks for the sake of it, she can't handle silences, there was one point where none of us said anything for a at least a couple of minutes, it made me feel
better about my own quietness.

We were there for about an hour, and then Gay and Helen drove me back home, and came in for abit before heading off, and when they had gone, I lay on my sofa, basking in the memories of the wonderful day.

Over the past few years we still have kept in touch, there was one period, a few months after Gays' husband died, when I went up to stay for a long weekend, when I shouldn't have done, I was in a relationship which was coming to an end, and there were one or two 'moments', I felt very anxious, and kept obsessing about my situation, and couldn't concentrate on what she was saying, I went out for a walk and stayed out for a couple of hours at least , when I'd only meant to be half an hour, and knew she'd be worried about this, but then I got resentful about this, I didn't say anything to her about this though, the next day we went out to the village where she worked with my natural father, and I just couldn't focus, she made a sarcastic comment when she suggested we go round to grandads, I was half hearted about it and she said'you never know your luck ,they might be out', I found this really difficult, and wanted to go home there and then, I shared this with my sisters abit later on that day.

I felt freaked out because I was in a different world, a different type of family, from a different social class as well.

I learnt an important lesson that day, that it's better to go to see her for a shorter time and not want to leave than to feel trapped there, wanting to come home.
It has taken a while, but we're back on track now, we both acknowledged that it was a bad time for us.
A couple of weekends ago I went up to see them, I stayed over the night, we went for a chinese meal, and the next day we went to Grandads again, I had a good chat with Tom,who I'd not really spoken to before really, and then we had a buffet type meal before they drove me back.
earlier on in the year, I'd been up for the day, and met my uncle Robert and cousin Kate, who live in Australia, this was another fantastic day.

A year after I made contact with my mother, I contacted my father, again through my social worker, we sent a couple of letters, and had our first phone conversation just before Xmas '02
he was quite matter of fact about it all.He said he had alot on over the xmas period, and suggested that we meet up in the new year, so one cold january day, I went down to the Isle of wight, of southern England, I got off the catamaran, and walked the length of the pier, quite a long way, and waited, (we arranged to meet on dry end of the pier, I think he wondered whether I was going to get aggressive, maybe even violent with him, and was being careful).

After a few tense minutes, he appeared, and we shook hands, and walked to a restaurant, where we ate, and talked, and then we went back to his place, and he showed me some old photos, of family, he looked just like me when he was 18, it was nice to see.
Then at about 8pm, he dropped me back at the catamaran port, we now do this every 3 months, it has taken a long time to be fully relaxed with him, but I have always felt comfortable. He is very quiet too, so the conversation has taken time to get to the point where it flows nicely. He is a very positive man, I am always uplifted by him. He is 69 now, but still gets out and about, plays golf, tennis, swims occasionally, and plays clarinet in a band every week.

I have also met his brother, Terry, his wife Sheila, and my cousin Mark, who's 2 years older than me. I have been to lunch with them a couple of times, last time we met , only Terry came along, and afterwards he dropped me off at the petrol station near where I live, then abit later he phoned to say that he thought we'd parted abit abruptly, I told him, that it was ok, these things take time, and I told him how it had been with Chris (my father), he felt better after that.
I am thinking of phoning him again soon, the only thing with him though, is that I have this thing about thinking that if I call them to meet up, it's as if I am inviting myself out to lunch, or a meal in a restaurant with them,like I'm saying 'Hello can you buy me lunch please?' and I'm a little unconfortable with it, but on the other hand, perhaps they'll think it's all one sided if I just leave it to them, so I think I will very soon.
It's all a learning curve, and I'm so lucky, and so grateful about the way it's all turned out.I have read some horror stories, and heard a sad story from someone I once knew.
To all still searching, in the early stages of contact, or just trying to pluck up the courage to do it, I wish you all all the best, my heart goes out to you.
I hope someone finds this useful in some way.

[Gwen Berndt]

What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us. I think it's a bit funny that you say you're quiet, but then you really write up a storm!

Anyhow, I'm a bit jealous, I wrote a letter to my birthmom more than 5 months ago and I'm despairing of ever getting an answer. I could only hope for it to go as well for me as it has for you, you're very lucky!

[ukadoptee1968]

Originally Posted by Gwen Berndt

What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us. I think it's a bit funny that you say you're quiet, but then you really write up a storm!

Anyhow, I'm a bit jealous, I wrote a letter to my birthmom more than 5 months ago and I'm despairing of ever getting an answer. I could only hope for it to go as well for me as it has for you, you're very lucky!

Hi Gwen,
Thank for your reply, I'm sorry that you haven't heard anything yet. Yes i know I am incredibly lucky!

Maybe after a while you could write another letter, perhaps after another 3 months or so, I don't know. see if it feels right.you have nothing to lose.
i wish you all the best.
p.s I always have in to say in print than in person, I'm glad that you enjoyed my story.
If you have any questions you want to ask feel free.
Cheers,
Simon

[Mandie moo]

Hi Simon
Its been quite a few months since I've been on the forums, actually its been awhile since being on the computer as well.

I also want to thank you for sharing your reunion experience, you write so very well.

May I suggest to you, not to worry about being the one to make invites to see one another. You might consider sharing your thoughts with your reunited mother, so that she can reassure you.

I have read many times about families in reunion who start second guessing one another and that; I find usually creates a bit of a wall of uncertainy and then misreadings occure.

So far your reunion seems to be going very well and I think as long as there is honest communication, gentleness and a willingness to address any bumps along the way, as in many new relationships sometimes have.

They say reunion can, at times stir up many undiscovered emotions which takes time and talking in the journey of finding one another.

I wish you many wonderful years ahead for you and all of your family.
mm

[kune]

Hi Simon
As a birthmother of a son in his mid 30's I enjoyed your post. It's great to have a male perspective every now and again.

Our reunion is a work in progress. ( I doubt whether that ever ends)......but I think there is mutual respect and a feeling of kinship that will endure the years ahead.

Sounds like your reunion is a good one. You took it slowly and made measured progress - noone was rushed or overwhelmed.

Trusting each other is the "biggie" in these new relationships IMHO, and I get the feeling they trust you and welcome your inclusion in their lives.

All the best
Ann

[SuddenlySusan]

Yours was a wonderful story, beautifully told... and, that it spanned a number of years so we could see how things evolved just added so much to my understanding.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Simon.

Best wishes,
Susan

[ukadoptee1968]

Hi Thanks to you all for replying, it's nice to hear others views and experiences.
I wish you all all the best in your reunions.
take care,
Simon

[ukadoptee1968]

I thought I'd do a little update having just read Nancy Verrier's 'The Primal Wound'.


what an excellent book!


I got it through amazon, and over the last few days I have received little bits of awareness
about my life , self, behaviour , interests, responses to people places, and things.

I recommend this book to all who have who have been effected by adoption, I never realised that I had been effected so much and that the effects were so far reaching.


I realise now that I have had unconscious memories of this trauma all my life, that have come to me as a feeling, as well as the yearning, the rage, etc.

I have always loved fictional stories where the characters go to another dimension, or a parallel universe, somewhere where it all looks the same, but it's slightly different, and they have different relationships to each other, now I know why, i have always thought there was another life for me out there somewhere, another place somewhere I could never get back to, but missed.
I wasn't aware of this before, couldn't see the wood for the trees.

Sometimes in meditation I'd get images of places from the past, that I couldn't remember, I'd feel nostalgic for places I'd never been.

When I look at the photo my bmother sent me, when she first contacted me, it feels like that young 20 year old girl is still out there somehow. And I really want to meet her, to hear her voice.
I may go to a regression hypnotherapist one day.

Sometimes musc can bring on this sense of ending, seperation, and loss.even if it is not sad sounding, i was listening to a soul/jazzfunk compilation CD i've got, and it brought up these feelings.in particular 'Angela' by Bob James ( the taxi theme tune) and 'Love is' by Brothers Johnson.

I was listening to this while putting together a slide show of just about every photo of me that's ever been taken, this has been very emotional for me, there's one taken a few days after I was seperated from my bmother, and I just look at my amother blankly, it was really gut wrenching.

My Brother and Sister are twins and are also adopted, and when I look back at our family life and
the problems we all had, it all makes sense now. We were projecting the rage at being seperated from our bmothers onto our amother. I know I always had the fear of abandonment.

One thing that I read about in the book, and that i can really relate to is going into an altered state of conciousness, like an intense daydream, where the adopted child remembers the security of being with the bmother.

I think back now and realise that the isolating behaviour (getting flu and being in bed all day, listening to the radio, and LOVING IT) was maybe the nearest I could get to going back into the womb, or experiencing the peace and security of being with my bmother.

The book talks about the adoptive mother, and how she is effected by it all too.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy, I blame no one, I am grateful that I finally got to have my feelings validated, and understand myself and the others involved in this too.

I urge you to buy this book. I wish you all all the best on your journeys.

[sfgywgri]

My aunit and I found each other almost a year ago.
My birthmother was shamed into making contact after my aunt had introduced me to everyone else.
I met Mom and Dad after almost 10 months.
She is hateful and requested a DNA test before she would even speak to me.
After that she came with birth Dad and claimed her father made her do it, and what did I want from her?
Just my identity.
Dad is trying hard. He took me to meet his extended family.
Iv'e met the diblings that live nearby. But still I feel so cheated. How could everyone who walked over me be so happy while I was so miserable?
A-family was abusive.
Dad sent my first baby picture he took with a Polaroid. I looked terrified.
I try not to hurt him he thinks it's a new begining, but I can't forget my past. He and birthmom went on to lead good lives while I ended up in a slummy city with High school drop outs. Dads an engineer,Moms a nurse.
I'm a great bridge.

S

[ukadoptee1968]

Originally Posted by sfgywgri

My aunit and I found each other almost a year ago.
My birthmother was shamed into making contact after my aunt had introduced me to everyone else.
I met Mom and Dad after almost 10 months.
She is hateful and requested a DNA test before she would even speak to me.
After that she came with birth Dad and claimed her father made her do it, and what did I want from her?
Just my identity.
Dad is trying hard. He took me to meet his extended family.
Iv'e met the diblings that live nearby. But still I feel so cheated. How could everyone who walked over me be so happy while I was so miserable?
A-family was abusive.
Dad sent my first baby picture he took with a Polaroid. I looked terrified.
I try not to hurt him he thinks it's a new begining, but I can't forget my past. He and birthmom went on to lead good lives while I ended up in a slummy city with High school drop outs. Dads an engineer,Moms a nurse.
I'm a great bridge.

S

Hi, I am sorry that you have had and are having such a hard time, Your bmother obviously is trying to protect herself from the pain and grief that she has been suppressing all these years.

She is reacting to that rather than you.

In time I would be honest with your bdad about how you feel what your life has been like, etc.

Perhaps some therapy would help?

I know it's not easy with me I always worry about putting her on a guilt trip, so I think the best way to go is softly softly.
I hope that in time maybe things can improve for you, I haven't got anything else to say that's helpful - sorry.

Take care

[sfgywgri]

Thanks.
I think bmom has more feelings about her secret being out than any pain or grief. Iv'e met the rest of her clan. They would kill each other to get wht they want, I really don't think guilt or grief are in their DNA. Which makes me feel worse. My life would have been just as bad with her or the adoptive nuts I ended up with.
Therapy, I have my third appointment this week.
I hope I can salvage some kind of life.
S

[ukadoptee1968]

Originally Posted by sfgywgri

Thanks.
I think bmom has more feelings about her secret being out than any pain or grief. Iv'e met the rest of her clan. They would kill each other to get wht they want, I really don't think guilt or grief are in their DNA. Which makes me feel worse. My life would have been just as bad with her or the adoptive nuts I ended up with.
Therapy, I have my third appointment this week.
I hope I can salvage some kind of life.
S

Hi,

I wish you al the best with your therapy, maybe they are psychopathic, maybe their feelings are just buried
under layers of defence mechanisms and denial.

in time, and with the therapy, you will see things clearer,
as I am starting to do now, after 6 years!!

All the best

ukadoptee1968