[JLee1984]

I first made contact with my bmom almost a year ago. At first we talked 2, sometimes 3 times a week, for at least an hour. Then, she started acting funny..We finally met face to face in May of this year (after 7 months of talking). My bmom lives 6 hours from me, and acted as if I had to either drive all the way up there to meet her or drive to her parents (my bgparents) house to meet her (5 hours away). Well, I ended up driving all the way up there to Nebraska (I live in STL). Like a month before we met, she started acting as if she was too busy for me when I would call. She'd be cooking dinner, running errands, ect. I also have 2 half sisters, and if one of their friends would call or boyfriend, she'd be like oh the girls have a call..I mean, HELLO, I waited 22 years to talk to her, and she can't tell them to call back??

Anyways, it's gotten even worse now. She rarely emails me or calls. When I call her, it's always storming and she doesn't want to talk on the phone or she tried to call me but the phone just rings and rings (I guess my VM just doesn't like her) This was my first birthday that we've known each other, and she sent me a standard card with her name signed on it, called me, talked for 5 mins., and was then like I gotta go.. The next day she sent me an email, and asked for the portable DVD player back that she GAVE my 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter, and she had the nerve to say that I could send it COD...and that was it...no bye, no more I love and miss you, NOTHING! I feel like taking the DVD player, the XMAS gifts, and anything else that she gave to my kids, and shipping it back to her and telling her to never ever contact me again!

Being adopted was always hard for me, and when I found her, I thought that I would feel better about myself. Even after learning that I was only given away for adoption because my bfather was black, I some how was ok because I had the mom that I never had. I now look back on some of the things that she has said, like "well you now how black people are"..she was referring to my bfather...(Mind you I am half black, married to a black man, and have 2 black children) and some of the other bad things that she has said to me, and it hurts...it hurts bad!!! I just don't know what to do..I mean, I've always felt like she and her family just threw me away, and it feels like she's doing it again...I'm just so mad and angry, but at the same time soo soo hurt! This isn't a normal for her to be treating me like this, is it? I don't want to continue to communicate with her if this is how it's going to be..I've been hurt enough in life, and knowing her shouldn't make me hurt more...If I should end our relationship how do I tell her, and not seem like that bad person?? Any advice would be sooo greatly appreciated!!

[txrnr]

I wish I had good advice, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that someone heard you, and I'm sure you'll get good advice from others. (You may want to think about cross posting this on the adult adoptee board, or even the birthparents if you're looking for their perspective)

Keep in mind, she doesn't know you, really. This has more to do with her issues, than you. As hard as it must be, don't let her junk become yours.

Good luck.

[jrainbow]

I too wanted to answer that I feel your confusion and your pain. Obviously there is a lot possibly involved in your situation - it is totally normal to search for all possible reasons. I certainly don't know what is going on with your bmother but it might be a natural reaction in reunion.

According to this site, there are several stages to reunion. I have copied the stages below. I hope this maybe gives you another perspective.


Reunion is often described as an emotional roller coaster for some very valid reasons.
The stages of reunion are listed and discussed below:

Excitement
The early stages of reunion produce great excitement for most birth family members. For some, that giddy sense of excitement may last years. Finally being in touch with your lost family member is a heady and thrilling feeling. Beginning your new relationship may seem like an extraordinary and sometimes surreal experience. Reunion might well be ones of the most anticipated events of your life.
Obsession
Family members may caution you during early reunion about “getting carried away,” and the word “obsession” may slip out. Much like a new love relationship, you may seem infatuated with your newly found birth family member.
Often, both parties may want to devote a great deal of time and attention to this new and budding relationship initially. After many years apart, it is quite easy to feel that you want to spend vast amounts of time together. People who are searching or in reunion often appear unable to think of much else!
Confusion
Eventually, there may come a time when certain confusing issues pop up. These may include for starters
• how to deal with holidays;
• figuring out this new family member’s role in your life;
• how much contact should you have;
• when to meet other family members; and
• what to call each other.
“Pullback” is a term used to describe a period of time during a reunion when one party retreats.

Many reunion relationships are quite complicated. One of the most confusing times in this new relationship is when one party suddenly pulls back for a time. If your birth family member stops telephoning or emailing as often, or completely, it may be confusing and cause some pain and/or bewilderment. Fears may surface that your family member will disappear into the sunset, never to be heard from again.



These “pullbacks” can sometimes last for months or years, and often no explanation is given. Pullbacks are not uncommon, and there can be many different causes which necessitate a pullback.

If you do need to pull back at some point during your reunion, try to explain to your birth family member why you need to retreat for awhile. Likewise, the other party needs to allow you some time alone and be patient and understanding.

Figuring it Out
Eventually, both parties will feel safe enough to begin to tackle some challenges in the relationship. In early reunion, most people are not confident enough to “speak their piece” or try to spell out how they see the relationship and its future. When both parties feel more at ease, a dialog should begin, and compromise and negotiations may be required.
Unfortunately, it is rare that both parties have identical views on how the reunion relationship should develop. However, if you do not talk about what you want, you cannot expect the other person to be psychic and know. That does not mean that, just because you tell them, you will get all you want. It does, however, increase your chances of at least getting some of what you would hope for in the relationship. If you can master the art of communicating honestly and thoughtfully, it will help build the relationship.
Acceptance
For many, this stage is the most difficult to achieve. If you began with too many unrealistic and “pie in the sky” expectations, you may be feeling uneasy about the progress of your new relationship. If too many of your wants and desires for the relationship go unfulfilled, you may be frustrated and disappointed.
It can be brutal to come to the realization that some of the high hopes for your relationship may never come to fruition. There is a temptation to want to make up for lost time and have the kind of relationship that might have developed had you never been separated. But no matter how strong a relationship you are eventually able to build with your birth family member, you can never totally repair the damage from all those years of separation. It is essential that you understand and eventually accept that truth.
The past cannot be regained, although we can learn from it; the future is not ours yet even though we must plan for it. Time is now. We have only today. ~ Charles Hummell
Only when you accept the reality of reunion will you be able to achieve some sort of comfort zone in your relationship with your birth family member. When you reach the point of accepting what cannot be changed, you are well on your way. Although you cannot make up for the past and ever have the relationship that was once possible, you can develop a warm , strong and satisfying relationship with your birth family member.

Peace to you, JLee.

[LiquidGlass]

I am so sorry to hear this. I am a bmom currently in reunion with my B-son for 3 years. I would give her time to adjust. The feelings that I went thru (hurt, resentment) was intense and I think that she needs to pull back awhile. Give her time and let the relationship grow gradually.

[Gwen Berndt]

Hi JLee,
I'm sorry your reunion has been so difficult for you. I'm an adoptee, also, and I fully understand that overwhelming need to know your bmom - and to feel accepted by her.

It's absolutely shameful that she said such hurtful things to you. Whether she's just inept at conversation, or whether she meant to hurt you, is sort of beside the point. Shame on her. ((hugs))

Just a thought, though - perhaps she's totally overwhelmed with the reunion and can't emotionally deal with it. Maybe she's pushing you away because she thinks that will be easier for her to deal with.

In any case, please remember that her issues, which have caused her to say these things, are her issues and they're not really about you. I know it's almost impossible to not take it personally, but please try, for your own sake.

Maybe consider not permanently ending the relationship at this point. You could simply pull back as she has done, and maybe you'll both have a different perspective in the future. Have you tried telling her how much she hurt you with her "you know how black people are" comment? She should be told! *sigh*

This is all very difficult stuff, reunion seems like it should simply be happy and easy, and it's just not. Well, maybe for some people, but not for everyone. ((hugs again))

There are tons of books on the subject that might be helpful for you, such as "Wake Up Little Suzy" (which I haven't read, but I heard it's good) and "The Girls Who Went Away" which I read and it made me cry... alot... And, there are some adoption reunion handbooks out there, too.

Peace,

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by JLee1984

I first made contact with my bmom almost a year ago. At first we talked 2, sometimes 3 times a week, for at least an hour. Then, she started acting funny..We finally met face to face in May of this year (after 7 months of talking). .....she started acting as if she was too busy for me when I would call. .... She rarely emails me or calls. When I call her, ,,,,,This was my first birthday that we've known each other, and she sent me a standard card with her name signed on it, called me, talked for 5 mins., and was then like I gotta go.. The next day she sent me an email, and asked for the portable DVD player back that she GAVE my 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter, and she had the nerve to say that I could send it COD...and that was it...no bye, no more I love and miss you,

The first advice I was given upon being contacted by my son was - take it slowly. Some 17 months on, I now appreciate both the wisdom of that advice and the realisation of how difficult it is. From all the posts I see on forums, but everyone is in a very great hurry to get a relationship up and running and back to "normal" i.e. the kind of stuff that families normally have, i.e. phoning, birthdays, christmas, shopping together, all that kind of stuff. The trouble is, its not happening. As a birthmother, I was naive. I thought that once my son and I met, that it would be uphill from then on.

Wrong. It was the first face to face, even though it went soooo well, that was the turning point. In your case I think its possibly the same only the other way around. Too much has happened too quickly. The face to face also came quickly and the turmoil is like hitting a brick wall. For me, as a birthmother, it was unprecedented mental and emotional anguish. I'd never known mental agony like it. I have had counselling and worked through a LOT, but my son has had intensely difficult reactions, some deep and unexplainable and I've had to work out what is going on by reading Nancy Verriers books (they worked for me).

It is very difficult to know what is going through your bmom's mind, but I do think she has a bit of a nerve to send a present and ask for it back. I would ignore that request and leave it. It was given as a present and I feel that no-one should give a present and then ask for it back. I feel very strongly about that. There are stages of reunion that have been described in another response to your thread, but I have come across a description as below and you may recognise your mom in that she is pulling back. She needs time to process her feelings and she may find it very difficult to come to terms with. I've also enclosed a bit from The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide as to what a bmom can possibly be trying to cope with.

The honeymoon period for me and my son practically ended upon the first F2F (4 weeks after 1st contact) as he was deluged with emotions he didn't anticipate would overtake him. I get the impression that is happening to your mom. As much as initially I enjoyed the intensity of the almost constant communication, we HAD to slow it down. As hard as it is for you, I would encourage you to slow things down a bit, well maybe even more than that. It sounds as if the intensity of things has overtaken your mom and you don't know also what pressure has been brought to bear within her family her end.What is slow? Well for my son and me, on one occasion I didn't hear from him for over 5 weeks. Another time it was 3 weeks (he can phone me, but I can't phone him, as he lives at home). Emails and phone calls were spasmodic and have settled down now to about every 2 weeks-ish, but that is now 17 months on, but everyone is different. I know an adoptee who made her bmom wait 3 years before their first F2F and sometimes would pull back for 3 months at a time. Every situation is unique though, but common threads prevail to help.

During periods of no communication, I would encourage you to read the following books, some of which you may be able to order at your local library?

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn Giddens
The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier and her follow up book “Coming home to Self”

Also here's some info re: stages of reunion and also a bit from Bailey's book about what bmom's can feel
p138
birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to bury the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.

If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she loved you she would forget you so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell. Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...

The book is extremely well written and I would recommend it to anyone in adoption reunion because it is gentle on all feelings. I hope it helps.

Here are the stages which I took and copied from this website last year: RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION(Author Unknown)

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:
Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world. Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests. Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other’s life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts. Preoccupation with other party. Minor negotiations about relationship, i.e. What to call birth parent. Some uncertainty about place or role in other’s life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:
One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back. Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experienceParties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:
Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development. If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again – different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile. If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:
Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back. Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection. Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great.

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:
Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas. Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge.

You may see some of your mom's behaviour in the above stages. See how you get on, but I would definitely get more reading under your belt, because it certainly helped me to make more appropriate responses to my son (who didn't know himself why he was behaving the way he does) and it made the difference for us between it working or not. Also, it will give you something to focus on and hopefully more insight into the possible reasons as to why your mom is being like she is.

I would tentatively suggest that she is acting from pain from the past (we all are, but someone has to take the reins and guide the direction the reunion is going, as Bailey says with a lot of compassion, understanding, patience, and in my opinion teeth grinding !!)

love and ((hugs))
Jannyroo

[alinev]

As an amom with 2 young sons who will liklely meet with their birth family as they get older I am following this thread and others like it with interest. After reading Jannyroo's synopsis of the stages of reunion, I was struck by one very serious question that never seems to be touched upon "What if the bmom and family are really just terrible people"? Is it not conceivable that the issue is not the "stages"? I have read so many posts where the birth family is just horrible - and yet there seems to be a notion that since it is your bio family it will work itself out. I have many of my own family members as well as friends who anyone should run screaming from. Whe

When is it okay to just say they are not allowed to be so terrible?

[JLee1984]

I just wanted to THANK everyone for their replies!! I'm going to give my bmom time to get her "issues" figured out or deal with this normal stage of reunion, if it's that. At the same time though, I'm SOOO over stressing myself with this situation. I've never done anything less than 100%, and I'm the type of person that it's gotta be all or nothing (meaning I'd rather not get a 2 min call, just because she feels "obligated") I'm not sure if she's a terrible person,Alinev, but I'm almost where I don't want to find out, either..What I do know is that I have a GREAT afamily, who never even wanted to tell me that I was adopted because they were terrified of hurting my feelings. Much less, would they ever comment on my race, say hurtful things to me, or ask for a gift back that they gave my children..their grandchildren. I've always thought about what kind of life I would have had if I wasn't adopted, and in all reality..I don't think it would have been a good one (not stooping to my bmom's level, just being realistic) Again everyone, Thanks for your replies!

[alinev]

JLee1984

I TRULY hope that you get out of this relationship everything you hope for. Only you will know what behavior you can accept and for how long. Reunion related or just character flaws, you will decide. I am sorry if I sounded mercenary, I just can no longer tolerate having difficult people in our life, family or no. Your situation sounded particularly painful and made me think of what my boys could encounter.

All the best.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by alinev

As an amom with 2 young sons who will liklely meet with their birth family as they get older I am following this thread and others like it with interest. After reading Jannyroo's synopsis of the stages of reunion, I was struck by one very serious question that never seems to be touched upon "What if the bmom and family are really just terrible people"? Is it not conceivable that the issue is not the "stages"? I have read so many posts where the birth family is just horrible - and yet there seems to be a notion that since it is your bio family it will work itself out. I have many of my own family members as well as friends who anyone should run screaming from. When is it okay to just say they are not allowed to be so terrible?

Your question is a good one. The points raised are there to help any adoptee or bmother realise what is going on. The emotional responses to reunion or contact even, are very complex and it puts a person in a position of strength and understanding to make the right responses to get the reunion off to a good start. It is good to know what to expect so that any behaviour due to the person in reunion being so bad that its impossible to continue can be considered.

For example, I am a bmom reunited with a son with problems such as drugs, alcohol, if I were to have called it a day early on, then any decision I may have made to end reunion, frankly would have destroyed him. It would any adoptee. Rejection the second time around is crisis point on a scale only an adoptee can truly know feels like.

Some (like my son and I) are working through issues as anger, relationship problems. Initially, he came across as a nightmare that made me want to head for the nearest exit. He was antisocial, aggressive, and the first day of reunion made me worry by his responses to those we came across, for example at a pub we went for an evening meal. My foreknowledge that came later, thanks to Nancy Verrier (the Primal wound and sequel Coming home to self) has helped me enormously to see him in a different light. His behaviour is due to pain, the pain of being raised without me. Many bparents are coming into reunion from a position of pain and some can't come into reunion at all because of the pain in their lives.

I'm referring to my take as a birth mother, but of course, it can be the other way around. Any adoptee may want to work through the issues, but as long as they have the information needed, aptly expressed as Adoption Reunion Survival (by Julie Bailey et al), then as time progresses, either party may decide, you know what? I really don't like you, and I'm not prepared to go further. That would of course be sad, but if the bmother does it to the adoptee or vice versa before giving it a chance, I think it would exasperate their senses, whereas if either can look back and say, despite all that I understand of adoption and the issues it raises, I gave it my best shot, I still don't want to go forwards with you - you are too selfish, cruel, etc, then at least the person involved can feel closure.

[alinev]

I did not read the Primal Wound and will. I am interested in trying to reconcile my own feelings as an adult but also an aparent. How does one miss what one does not know? We have had our sons since birth, have a semi-open with bmom (pictures but no kid contact) bdad jailed, three siblings 1 full, 2 half. My biggest concern for reunion for my guys is the possibility of survivor guilt. Will they feel bad for having gotten out? I know enough about bmom and her choices that the future is not likely to be easy, or positive. I TRULY hope that she and her children thrive. If in 15 years we can all gather at Thanksgiving it would be wonderful. My fear is that their sister will be pregnant and their brother pumping gas or in jail. How will that make them feel? Their mom is a nice woman, I believe, who does not make good choices. She gave up two kids in 18 months while their dad was out of jail. How will my boys deal with that?

As a side but serious note with absolutely no sarcasm, doew the book outline the responses of the next generation of egg donated, sperm donated surrogate produced children? Will an egg donated child suffer the same loss? Will a bio child of one woman, carried to term by another, feel rejected by the surrogate or feel that it was transactional? Do the sons and daughters of sperm donars feel a loss for the fathers their mom's picked out of books?

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by alinev

As a side but serious note with absolutely no sarcasm, does the book outline the responses of the next generation of egg donated, sperm donated surrogate produced children? Will an egg donated child suffer the same loss? Will a bio child of one woman, carried to term by another, feel rejected by the surrogate or feel that it was transactional? Do the sons and daughters of sperm donars feel a loss for the fathers their mom's picked out of books?

I think you will find that this subject irritates Verrier as much as it irritates me. When you read not only "The Primal Wound" but the "Coming Home to Self" and see the ENORMOUS complexities that many adoptees struggle with in being raised without their identity intact - she practically responds to what you have commented on in one sentence i.e. "don't get me started on that one".

I agree with her. When you read the Primal Wound, you will see why. If you do, prepare yourself for a shock. Despite the fact the bparents may be the reason for adoption in the first place due to neglect, whatever, the child still suffers bereavement from the separation that leads to adoption, no matter how bad the parent, they still grieve and it shows up in various ways - defense mechanisms, which can either surface or be buried.

So if thats the case when the parent is recognisable, imagine the torture growing up and search for identity when the "father" is a sperm donor and the mother is an "egg" - well, it fills me with such feelings that I don't really want to comment any further.

For a brief resume of the above books, which covers each aspect - you may be most interested in her address to adoptive parents, try her website: Nancy Verrier - it will help you decide whether you could cope with the information that some find unpalatable because it hurts so much. I know as a bmom it did me, but I still found the information enormously helpful in understanding where my son is coming from.

[HFRA3736]

I'd like to tell you that it will get easier but my reunion was a very traumatic experience and something I have not gotten over yet.

[ukadoptee1968]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this, I don't know. but it sounds to me like maybe she's got scared of her emotions, things are perhaps moving too fast for her, after calling 2-3 times a week.

she might have thought things were going to get too intense, or that you may demand too much of her, I think if I were you I wouldn't do anything drastic,that you may regret later.

maybe get some counselling, talk through your feelings, then decide what you want to do, these things take time, I was very lucky with mine, but I always try to remember that I didn't contact her to change her, and we have had different backgrounds, etc.
I don't know you bmother, but perhaps her comments about black people are just ignorance, and not meant to cause offence,or mean that she is a racist.

perhaps they are testing you to see where your boundaries are.
I did that abit with my bmother, not by anything i said but in my attitude to her at times.

If the worst comes to the worst, I would make sure you commnunicate all your feelings about her, the way you feel, the relationship, etc, put it all in a letter so you know that at least you managed to close it to your , and then there won't be any unresolved stuff that you wish you'd told her.

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.xx

[ukadoptee1968]

really interesting, Jenny, I think my bmother and i have reached the last stage you showed here, after 6 years, I will get the book i think.thanks