[ukadoptee1968]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

The first advice I was given upon being contacted by my son was - take it slowly. Some 17 months on, I now appreciate both the wisdom of that advice and the realisation of how difficult it is. From all the posts I see on forums, but everyone is in a very great hurry to get a relationship up and running and back to "normal" i.e. the kind of stuff that families normally have, i.e. phoning, birthdays, christmas, shopping together, all that kind of stuff. The trouble is, its not happening. As a birthmother, I was naive. I thought that once my son and I met, that it would be uphill from then on.

Wrong. It was the first face to face, even though it went soooo well, that was the turning point. In your case I think its possibly the same only the other way around. Too much has happened too quickly. The face to face also came quickly and the turmoil is like hitting a brick wall. For me, as a birthmother, it was unprecedented mental and emotional anguish. I'd never known mental agony like it. I have had counselling and worked through a LOT, but my son has had intensely difficult reactions, some deep and unexplainable and I've had to work out what is going on by reading Nancy Verriers books (they worked for me).

It is very difficult to know what is going through your bmom's mind, but I do think she has a bit of a nerve to send a present and ask for it back. I would ignore that request and leave it. It was given as a present and I feel that no-one should give a present and then ask for it back. I feel very strongly about that. There are stages of reunion that have been described in another response to your thread, but I have come across a description as below and you may recognise your mom in that she is pulling back. She needs time to process her feelings and she may find it very difficult to come to terms with. I've also enclosed a bit from The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide as to what a bmom can possibly be trying to cope with.

The honeymoon period for me and my son practically ended upon the first F2F (4 weeks after 1st contact) as he was deluged with emotions he didn't anticipate would overtake him. I get the impression that is happening to your mom. As much as initially I enjoyed the intensity of the almost constant communication, we HAD to slow it down. As hard as it is for you, I would encourage you to slow things down a bit, well maybe even more than that. It sounds as if the intensity of things has overtaken your mom and you don't know also what pressure has been brought to bear within her family her end.What is slow? Well for my son and me, on one occasion I didn't hear from him for over 5 weeks. Another time it was 3 weeks (he can phone me, but I can't phone him, as he lives at home). Emails and phone calls were spasmodic and have settled down now to about every 2 weeks-ish, but that is now 17 months on, but everyone is different. I know an adoptee who made her bmom wait 3 years before their first F2F and sometimes would pull back for 3 months at a time. Every situation is unique though, but common threads prevail to help.

During periods of no communication, I would encourage you to read the following books, some of which you may be able to order at your local library?

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn Giddens
The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier and her follow up book “Coming home to Self”

Also here's some info re: stages of reunion and also a bit from Bailey's book about what bmom's can feel
p138
birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to bury the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.

If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she loved you she would forget you so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell. Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...

The book is extremely well written and I would recommend it to anyone in adoption reunion because it is gentle on all feelings. I hope it helps.

Here are the stages which I took and copied from this website last year: RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION(Author Unknown)

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:
Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world. Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests. Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other’s life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts. Preoccupation with other party. Minor negotiations about relationship, i.e. What to call birth parent. Some uncertainty about place or role in other’s life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:
One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back. Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experienceParties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:
Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development. If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again – different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile. If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:
Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back. Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection. Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great.

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:
Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas. Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge.

You may see some of your mom's behaviour in the above stages. See how you get on, but I would definitely get more reading under your belt, because it certainly helped me to make more appropriate responses to my son (who didn't know himself why he was behaving the way he does) and it made the difference for us between it working or not. Also, it will give you something to focus on and hopefully more insight into the possible reasons as to why your mom is being like she is.

I would tentatively suggest that she is acting from pain from the past (we all are, but someone has to take the reins and guide the direction the reunion is going, as Bailey says with a lot of compassion, understanding, patience, and in my opinion teeth grinding !!)

love and ((hugs))
Jannyroo

Very interestingh Jenny, i will get the
book i think, after 6 yeras we have got i think to the last stage you mentioned here, thanks.