[EM_Bixler]

Hello Again!

I have posted on here before about the reunion of my birth mother and how it ended. I have now found my birth father. I wrote him a letter and it only took about a week for him to call. I have to be honest, I was surprised that I heard from him. I guess I always expected to have the "reunion of my dreams" with my bio mom. I never really thought about my dad...maybe because of all the lies that were told about him. Anyways...fast forward to now....I think that he is treating my adoption as an ABDUCTION...which may be the case in his eyes since he had no say in my being placed for adoption.....since we have reunited all he talks about is moving my family down to where he is, right across the street as a matter of fact. He's offered to pay for everything and has started setting up interviews for my boyfriend. He says"your a "his last name" now, you need to be here with your family." Here's where my dilemma comes in....I am grateful that I found him and that he was so ecstatic to have me back (don't get me wrong), but I have a family, my adopted parents. I feel like he thinks I should just abandon them now that I found him. I don't feel like this is right ad I am too scared to let him know how I feel b/c I don't want to hurt his feeling. But every time we talk, my bio sister included keep pressuring me to just pick up and move. I feel like this is an invasion of my personal space and that they are being inconsiderate and demanding. Has this happened to anyone else? What do I do? How do I tell him to back off with out hurting him? This has really been creeping me out for a while and I don't know how to handle it. That's why I turned to you, I have always got really good advice from everyone on here...you are my support. PLEASE HELP!


Thanks for listening.

~ E

[Gwen Berndt]

Just tell him, "It makes me feel SO GOOD that you want me to be near you - but I can't move right now. I'm happy in my current home. But, I'd love to visit with you and get to know you better." Feel free to modify so it's appropriate to your situation. The important bit is to say something nice and thankful before you say NO. :-) Works with almost anybody.

[Mommy24]

Liz~ I am a First Mom not yet in reunion, but I wanted to offer my advice. Your bfather needs to realize that although he may feel like you were "abducted" you were placed for adoption and given parents to raise you. Maybe telling him that while you are glad to have reunited with him,you do have your parents to think about. Letting him know that you are happy with your reunion but do not intend to "throw away" your parents, the ones who have cared for and loved you ALL of your life just because he has re-entered the picture. Clear boundaries from the start is what you will need for this to be a helathy relationship for both you and your bfather. I find it very disrespectful of your bfather to think that you would just up and leave your home and the only family you have ever known.

We are here if you need us!

[EM_Bixler]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Liz~ I am a First Mom not yet in reunion, but I wanted to offer my advice. Your bfather needs to realize that although he may feel like you were "abducted" you were placed for adoption and given parents to raise you. Maybe telling him that while you are glad to have reunited with him,you do have your parents to think about. Letting him know that you are happy with your reunion but do not intend to "throw away" your parents, the ones who have cared for and loved you ALL of your life just because he has re-entered the picture. Clear boundaries from the start is what you will need for this to be a helathy relationship for both you and your bfather. I find it very disrespectful of your bfather to think that you would just up and leave your home and the only family you have ever known.

We are here if you need us!

Thank you for that. I makes me feel bettter to know that I am not the only one that feels as if he is being disrespectful. I'm just going to have to put my gut feeling first and let him know....

[EM_Bixler]

Originally Posted by Gwen Berndt

Just tell him, "It makes me feel SO GOOD that you want me to be near you - but I can't move right now. I'm happy in my current home. But, I'd love to visit with you and get to know you better." Feel free to modify so it's appropriate to your situation. The important bit is to say something nice and thankful before you say NO. :-) Works with almost anybody.

I appriciate your feedback. I just feel so overwhelmed right now. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to him any more because is is so persistant like he's in his own "fantasy" world. I feel bad though because I am the one who initiated everything.

[EM_Bixler]

Also, would it be better for me to write him a letter letting him know how I feel, or should I tell him over the phone? I would feel more comfortable if I could write it, but would that be impersonal and cold?

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmom who is not in reunion, and has not found her daughter, I think that you need to speak to him face to face. A letter doesnt always answer all the questions, and you need to see the expressions on his face, he needs to see your face as you are talking to him. Letters can be too cold. Maybe Im wrong, but I would want to talk to my daughter face to face, and I would never expect her to drop her current "life" and move closer to me.

[jrainbow]

I agreee with Longtimewaiting. I'm an adopted daughter in reunion also, although much older than you, You need to tell him f2f or at least over the phone. Letters can be misread.

I think you are perfectly correct. We have parents - parents who loved us and raised us ... and we love them. Also you already have a life that you like and to ask you to pick up and move is overwhelming, to say the least. Maybe he just doesn't understand about adoption. You need to be very honest with him. You might also suggest that he read some of the books on Adoption Reunions. There are a lot mentioned on this site and certainly a lot in bookstores.

Good Luck.

[Gwen Berndt]

I guess if he lives far away (probably does, which is why he wants you to move, right?) then you'll probably have to tell him over the phone. If you're like me, maybe you're afraid you won't get to say everything you intend to say - so maybe you could keep a little list next to the phone? In any case, if you're feeling that overwhelmed, you definitely do need to tell him how you're feeling. He probably is living in a fantasy world just a little bit - I mean, I think we all have a tendency to have certain fantasies about how it should work when it comes to long-lost family members and reunion! Try to be gentle but firm - and remember to say some nice things as well as the hard things... Good luck to you!

[rainmon]

with some people it is easier to write their feelings down on paper, with out the worrry of breaking down and getting all emotional or shyness etc.... so I would say if you lean towards that way of communicating, and feel better about writing out your thoughts & feelings.... you should just go with it, and it will all be down for them to see and understand, then let them know you will be calling them to talk it over....and then.... at least you have gotten out what you NEED to say, and no matter how emotional or heated it gets...... they now know how you feel as it is a ALL in black & white. it's out in the open .......but I do like the idea of some of the others too , about mentioning all the great things about the reunion first
and that you don't want to hurt any of them in anyway, and needing to take things slow.