[conkam]

Hi, my name is Connie and I am new to the forum. This is my first serious post, and I am intending it to be for "all" rather than as a reply. Hope I am doing this right.

I am an a-mom of a 42 year old daughter. Back then they gave you almost no info - we were told that the parents were young, that there was no significant medical history, that she should be beautiful (she is), and that we could expect red-headed grandchildren (unfortunately, no grandkiddies, just grandkitties and they do not have red hair).

Then when she was 18 we got a letter from the agency offering more information. I did send for it, and it was very surprising to me and had some stuff that might have been hurtful to her. I didn't know what to do with it, but at the time she was engaged to a young man who also was adopted. I told him about it and asked if she had ever expressed to him any desire to know anything about her b-parents. He said no, and that he didn't either. Then a few years later she married someone else and I had the same conversation with him and the same response.

They later divorced and she was staying with me for a while (my husband had died suddenly when she was 25). She told me she was interested in trying to find her b-mother. I told her I had this info, and she said, yes, she had already found it (little sneak! - ha). Our relationship was not great at that point and I felt really threatened. I didn't discourage her, but I didn't encourage her, either. And we just didn't discuss it.

A couple of years later I had occasion to go out of state to some old friends' 50th wedding anniversary celebration. Their daughter had just been reunited with her b-son, and he was there. I saw how happy she was, how happy he was, how happy my friends were, and saw pictures and heard stories about how happy his a-parents were. It was all very heartwarming, and I did a 180 with my attitude.

I was surprised at how much my daughter had found out and much of her research had been done before the Internet. She had narrowed it down to 8 people, she contacted two and was satisfied that it wasn't either but was at a dead end with the others. She had registered everywhere she could and had had help from searchers on the forums, but with no luck. She had looked into paying, but it would be very expensive.

Then someone told her about a facilitator who was very reasonable and very good, and sure enough, she found her in 4 hours! The b-mother was in absolute shock but thrilled to death. Her mother had insisted that she keep it a secret from her father, who worked out of the country, and from her brother who was a little boy. Both of her parents are dead, but her brother still didn't know, so he had a shock, too, but a happy one. Fortunately her husband of 20 years did know. She never had other children.

We both now live in a lovely resort area, so my daughter rented a large cabin on the river for all of them and b-mother, husband and little dog arrived last Wed. Of course they had been exchanging pictures and e-mails and telephone calls for three weeks before, so they weren't total strangers.

When I spoke to her on Thursday she said it was going great and asked me to come over and bring photo albums. I was very nervous but glad to be included.

It turned out to be one of the most gratifying days of my life. We bonded almost immediately. We poured over those pictures for 3 1/2 hours, and every now and then she would rise up and hug me and say, "thank you, thank you", and I would hug her back and say, "no, I thank you", and my daughter was beaming.

After they went home my daughter told me that I had been just great, and that it far exceeded all of her expectations.

I have read enough here to know that there may be problems down the road, but I am heartened by the fact that she had early on expressed concern to my daughter about how I must be feeling.

I am happy to have found this place to share, maybe to support others, and to receive it should I need it later on.

[kune]

Welcome conkam
Thank you for sharing your daughter's reunion. I hope you both have many more beautiful moments and you can share in her joy as she learns to recognise her natural talents and characteristics and of course, her extended family. That you and the natural-Mom can be friends is a huge bonus. As some wise person said..."You can't be loved by too many people, only too few"

Regards
Ann

[conkam]

Thank you so much, Ann. I was just thinking that I don't think this would have been as successful if it had happened earlier. She has had a lot of personal growth in the last few years and we have gotten rid of the left over teen-age-years baggage we had then. Maturity probably made a difference with all of us.

[kune]

Agreed Connie
And how often have I read that on these forums. So many reunions happen at a time when "the stars are alligned" and the people involved are all on the same page.

Keep posting - We all like to keep track of happening reunions. They give us new perspective and hope.

Ann

[conkam]

I do plan to stay here altho I am taking time away from a busy forum that I am supposed to be helping moderate.

[loveajax]

Conkam, that story just moved me to tears...how beautiful!!!

[conkam]

Thanks so much.

I feel as though my daughter has been given three great gifts.

The first, of course, is the gift of life from her birth mother.

The second was two adoptive parents who would have willingly laid down their lives for her from the moment they first saw her.

And the third was that my heart was opened to give her the gift of having both mothers in her life without conflict.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by conkam

Hi, my name is Connie and I am new to the forum. This is my first serious post, and I am intending it to be for "all" rather than as a reply. Hope I am doing this right.

I am an a-mom of a 42 year old daughter. Back then they gave you almost no info - we were told that the parents were young, that there was no significant medical history, that she should be beautiful (she is), and that we could expect red-headed grandchildren (unfortunately, no grandkiddies, just grandkitties and they do not have red hair).

Then when she was 18 we got a letter from the agency offering more information. I did send for it, and it was very surprising to me and had some stuff that might have been hurtful to her. I didn't know what to do with it, but at the time she was engaged to a young man who also was adopted. I told him about it and asked if she had ever expressed to him any desire to know anything about her b-parents. He said no, and that he didn't either. Then a few years later she married someone else and I had the same conversation with him and the same response.

They later divorced and she was staying with me for a while (my husband had died suddenly when she was 25). She told me she was interested in trying to find her b-mother. I told her I had this info, and she said, yes, she had already found it (little sneak! - ha). Our relationship was not great at that point and I felt really threatened. I didn't discourage her, but I didn't encourage her, either. And we just didn't discuss it.

A couple of years later I had occasion to go out of state to some old friends' 50th wedding anniversary celebration. Their daughter had just been reunited with her b-son, and he was there. I saw how happy she was, how happy he was, how happy my friends were, and saw pictures and heard stories about how happy his a-parents were. It was all very heartwarming, and I did a 180 with my attitude.

I was surprised at how much my daughter had found out and much of her research had been done before the Internet. She had narrowed it down to 8 people, she contacted two and was satisfied that it wasn't either but was at a dead end with the others. She had registered everywhere she could and had had help from searchers on the forums, but with no luck. She had looked into paying, but it would be very expensive.

Then someone told her about a facilitator who was very reasonable and very good, and sure enough, she found her in 4 hours! The b-mother was in absolute shock but thrilled to death. Her mother had insisted that she keep it a secret from her father, who worked out of the country, and from her brother who was a little boy. Both of her parents are dead, but her brother still didn't know, so he had a shock, too, but a happy one. Fortunately her husband of 20 years did know. She never had other children.

We both now live in a lovely resort area, so my daughter rented a large cabin on the river for all of them and b-mother, husband and little dog arrived last Wed. Of course they had been exchanging pictures and e-mails and telephone calls for three weeks before, so they weren't total strangers.

When I spoke to her on Thursday she said it was going great and asked me to come over and bring photo albums. I was very nervous but glad to be included.

It turned out to be one of the most gratifying days of my life. We bonded almost immediately. We poured over those pictures for 3 1/2 hours, and every now and then she would rise up and hug me and say, "thank you, thank you", and I would hug her back and say, "no, I thank you", and my daughter was beaming.

After they went home my daughter told me that I had been just great, and that it far exceeded all of her expectations.

I have read enough here to know that there may be problems down the road, but I am heartened by the fact that she had early on expressed concern to my daughter about how I must be feeling.

I am happy to have found this place to share, maybe to support others, and to receive it should I need it later on.

Your daughter is indeed lucky to have a wonderful amom like you! I dream about the scenario you describe above and it is something I am tentatively working towards with my own sons afamily. Thanks for the encouragement! So many times we hear about amoms that are afraid to post and express themselves, but to hear what you have expressed is nothing short of remarkable, wonderful, encouraging and enlightening. If amoms could be as generous to their children/adults when it comes to sharing, I appreciate how hard that is though! So often, amoms hope that they will be enough for their adopted children, so it hurts them so much to have to come to terms with sharing. You have broken those boundaries and been an inspiration to all in reunion. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting. Joy abounds to all of you and why not? you deserve it.

[conkam]

Thank you so much for your sweet post. As I said earlier, my positive outcome would not have happened had my daughter been successful early in her search. She has come to realize that adoption is not the reason for every bad thing that ever happened to her, and I have come to realize that she can love two mothers just as mothers can love two children.

I read up a little on your situation and it seems to be unique in that you walked in on a Work in Progress. It is obvious to me that you can bring a fresh perspective and be a positive influence for your son. Not too many b-moms get that opportunity, and I hope the a-parents come to appreciate you if they don't already.

[sal]

The love and respect that you have for your daughter has shone through in your posts... I can't tell you how much I wished that same scenario would have worked for me. My amother was VERY upset when I reunited.. although at the time I didn't realize that she was dealing with Alzheimers... if I had I probably wouldn't have shared it with her. I was fortunate to have a FANTASTIC father who welcomed my bfamily into my life... simply by asking me if... "it made me happy". When I told him.. "yes"... he said..."then I'm happy too!" Sadly I lost both of them in 2004... but can't tell you how incredible having my bfamily in my life has helped me through those losses! Keep us posted on how this reunion goes! sal

[conkam]

Sal, I am so sorry about the loss of your parents. My beautiful mother died when she was only 54, but I was fortunate to have had my wonderful dad until he was 85.

Frankly, your scenario was a factor in my willingness to accept all of this. When I depart the planet she would have had no one. Now she has a birth mother who is 13 years younger than I and an uncle who is only 10 years older than she, and who is anxious to establish a relationship.