[MakDknife75]

I recently found my birth mom and was overwhelmed to learn that she and her entire extended family were ready to welcome me with open arms.... This was so far from what I expected or thought I wanted, I was in turmoil for a while.

some background: I was adopted while a few days old 32 years ago. I was blessed with parents who wanted the best for me and always made sure I knew that I was loved. Although they never tried in any way to hide information from me, my adoption or birth family was not a comfortable topic of conversation. Like many others, I began a half hearted journey when I was 18 to find my birth mom. My reasons were primarliy curiousity about circumstances and geneology, but also to say Thank You.

My efforts were half hearted because I would begin searching every year or 18 months and stop whenever I hit an obstacle involving money. For whatever reason, I didn;t want to even spend $20. In 2000, I was 25 and married for 2yrs when we had our first (of four) children. My wife told me that my son was the first blood relative I have ever met. I cried and I am someone who can count on one hand the number of times I cried.

After answering "I don't know" to medical history questions from my children's pediatrician for the umpteeth time, I had had enough. I talked to a PI friend of mine who dis some quick searches and suggested I do some of the research leg work myself so that cosots would not be high. He gave me some pointers. I was determined. THis time, no matter the cost or time involved, I was going to find her.
It truly is amazing how the world aligns when a person TRULY decides something for himself.

I found her in less than one hour of searching online - on this website. I never "googled" by birth name before and there it was - the one and only hit....
My PI friend coached me on what to say, I called her up hoping that I could say my thank you, learn her nationality, and get answers to a few medical history questions before she hung up on me asking to never call again. (That was the best case scenario I had built in my head).

She was sooo happy I found her. She said it was the happiest day of her life. She let me know her whole family was ready to accept me into their lives! She said all of this could happen on my terms with my timeframe as I am comfortable....

Over the next two months, everything moved so fast. We exchanged photos of my children, her two other sons, her brothers and sister's families (there were a dozen first cousins!!!). I even met her face to face and then met her two sons, my half brothers! Then the moment of truth - I had to tell my parents what had happened.

They were not happy. They were not angry. They tried to be understanding, but they were really hurt. Nothing I could do or say changed it. I had opened a wound for them, a very personal, deep wound. Now I had a very tough decision to make. If I continued further into the "rabbit hole" I knew that my children would eventually have contact with my birth mom and the extended family. If that happened and something went wrong, I couldn't "cut it off" wothout hurting my kids. I decided to spare my mom and dad's feelings and I cut it off. I essentially told my birth mom - "don't call me, I'll call you."

That was 2 years ago... A few months ago, I made another decision. THis time I decided that while I shouldn't rub it in my mom's face, it was up to her how she felt about the situation. I love my parents dearly and nver want them to hurt, but in this case, I could only reassure them so much, in the end, it is up to them.

I met everybody. I recently hung out with my cousins, my aunts, my uncle and my nana (my birth mom's mom). What an amazing experience! It felt as though I have known them my whole life. We connected. We clicked. It was wonderful - I was on a natural high for the next few days. As far as my kids are concerned, I'll tell them who they are someday, when they can comprehend and not say something innappropriate to my mom. For now, they are daddy's friends.

I dred the day my mom "finds out." If you're still reading this and can relate to anything I am experiencing here or if you want to ask a question. Please just let me know. I can be reached on hot mail or in this forum. Thanks for reading!!!

[sal]

I've been reunited and welcomed with open arms by my bmother, bsiblings, and extended bfamily for 6 years now and can relate to that instant "connection" .. or finding where you FINALLY belonged.. (not that you didn't belong with your aparents and family... BUT).. where you would have been if the circumstances hadn't warranted an adoption. It is an unbelievable connection that I hadn't felt anywhere else. My two daughters were the only birth relatives that I had as well before the reunion. I'm glad that you finally chose to do what was best for YOU! I think, too often, that sometimes it's been easier to put my own needs aside... and not "rock the boat".. only thing is... I found I was the one bobbing in the water... barely keeping my nose above it some of the time...After the reunion.. I feel that I'm back in the boat! I'm SO glad that your bmother has you back in her life... I'm sure that you all have a great future together... keep us posted... sal

[seekfirstthekingdom]

hi, My story is a bit different, I never knew my dad and my mom wouldnt tell me anything until I turned 18, so shortly after my 18th bday I contacted my dad and there was a "honeymoon" period I felt like I finally belonged and that my lifes puzzle was finally completed..
long story short, I started feeling bad because my Dad knew about me from day one and never tryed to contact ME, after we met I was always the one who made contact, so 5 years ago I made up my mind that he would be the next one to make contact, I havent heard a word from him. Although I am glad that I have met him and got badly needed info. That was 16 years ago that I first met him and now as bad as this may seem I look at him as just a XXX that my mom chose. by the way my mom passed away only 2 years after I met my dad, he didnt even contact me to try to console me..what kind of dad does those kind of things? I guess once you have your own kids and you realize how much you love them it is harder to understand how a parent could just look the other direction.
So please protect your heart, enjoy the familiy while things are good and pray that they never get bad..by the way I am a female and since you are a male things may go differently for you.. I wish you the very best and hope that this isnt just a "honeymoon" period.
keep us updated..

[snuffie]

I am so happy for you. I am also a reunited adoptee and have been in reunion for over 6 years. My bmom and aparents had passed away when I found out who my bmom was but I am reunited with 8 bsiblings and my bgrandmother's family. You are so right about feeling like you belong. Its a wonderful feeling. It sounds like your bfamily is in this for the "long" run. As with any family there are ups and downs, times when people are so busy with their own lives that that is all they can concentrate on. And relationships do take time to build.

I wish you much happiness in your reunion. I also hope that your amom will see that your newly found family will never take her place in your heart. Sometimes it just takes a lot of reassurance.

Snuffie

[Mil]

Congratulations! While reunion is wonderful, it brings on many stresses for everyone. And one that seems to surface a lot is that the adoptive parents are hurt. BUT, that's not YOUR problem. And I don't mean that you have to be insensitive to their feelings, or rub the reunion in their faces, but these are their feelings to deal with. You have your life and you should be able to include everyone. There is a place for everyone in a reunion, but it takes time and adjustments on everyone's part. I've been through this and I now have a very good relationship with my son's adoptive parents. It wasn't that way at the beginning, especially with his mom. But once they realized I wasn't out to 'take their son' AND their grandsons, things were able to smooth out. But my son included us in the family from the beginning. I was also very careful with terminology. I was his 'mother', not his 'mom'. Yes, he is MY son, but he's also THEIR son in every way too! My grandsons all call me 'Grandma'. But kids these days often have many sets of grandparents, so it's no big deal to add another set. BUT IT TAKES TIME. I wouldn't back off from a reunion because of your parents. You can have it all! Just be patient. You might even want to sit down and talk to your parents and tell them how much you love them, and that's they'll always be 'your parents' but you also have the need to know your birthfamily. It's an adjustment, but one that's well worth the effort.

Good luck and again, congratulations! Reunion is exciting - let yourself bask in it!

[MakDknife75]

Thank you each for your support and posts....

So by mom found out that I rekindled things with my birth mom and extended family. It did NOT go well! My mom is a very emotional person. She has high highs and low lows. My wife and brother told me I was an idiot (and worse) and said I should have just lied to my mom and not told her the truth...

My dad was (a little) more understanding. A few days after I spilled the beans to my mom and was reaping the whirlwind he called me and asked me why. I reassurred him. I told him I was simply curious about "those people" and wanted to get to know them. He actually asked me if I was being an opportunist b/c he and my mom thought my bfamily was/is wealthy. I couldn't believe he actually thought that and him asking hurt a little. I of course assurred him that this wasn't the case. I also told him that he was not correct (bfamily is average blue collar- struggling to make ends meet- group of people). I then reassured him some more. This conversation was actually the beginning of making things right with my mom and dad.

My dad also told me I should be careful b/c if anything happened to my wife and I that my bmom could actually have a legal standing to request custody of my kids as her biological grandchildren. I had never heard to contemplated this but with the legal system in the US I think it may be possible. So, on his advice, my wife and I amended our wills to specifically mention my bmom as someone who is to get $1 and not to have custody of my kids.

This sealed the deal and my mom is happy again.

I am glad my dad brought this to my attention because with the ages my kids are (oldest is 7) it is the right thing to do God forbid anything should happen to both my wife and I. When the kids are older, perhaps adults, this is not too much of an issue. I may at some point stipulate that my kids should be given information about the bfamily when they reach 18, but we'll see. For now, this is my journey, not my kids...

At this point I have contact with some bcousins, half brothers, baunts and buncles, and bmom about once every month or two...

I think those who posted that this journey takes time nailed it....

I still feel better that I did not lie to my mom and I am excited about the continued journey!

~MakDknife

[Jackiejdajda]

My dad also told me I should be careful b/c if anything happened to my wife and I that my bmom could actually have a legal standing to request custody of my kids as her biological grandchildren. I had never heard to contemplated this but with the legal system in the US I think it may be possible. So, on his advice, my wife and I amended our wills to specifically mention my bmom as someone who is to get $1 and not to have custody of my kids.

I do not think this is true.. I do not think I could gain custody of my birthgrandbabies if something happened to my bson and his wife..
When I relinquished my son.. the judge was very clear that I was signing all of my rights away.. He made sure I was aware of this.

I have read many posts on this subject over the years and I have never ever read a post or letter where this (what your adad speaks about) has occurred..

Even in an open adoption in which the birthmom wants to regain custody of her bson or daughter if she finds something wrong can not be done..
I have questioned this when I was exploring OA’s.
The very fact that she gave a child up for adoption goes against her in the eyes of the law..

I have pulled back from contact with my bson and the grandbabies.. I have a feeling his adoptive parents are not happy about our contact..
I understand and am just fine with it..
So my suggestion would be.. tell her.. Tell your birthmom that there are issues with your parents..

Jackie

[MakDknife75]

My bmom and extended bfamily know that my parents are very uncomfortable with the topic and that they will likely never meet or engage.

I haven't shared the intimate details of my parents resentment (read fear) becuase it would be unecessessary and cruel.

bottom line is no one on either side expects to share Thanksgiving!

[Mil]

I do not think this is true.. I do not think I could gain custody of my birthgrandbabies if something happened to my bson and his wife..
When I relinquished my son.. the judge was very clear that I was signing all of my rights away.. He made sure I was aware of this.

I think Jackie's right about this. I don't think taking your kids is something she could do. Legally, she has no rights to you or your children. Also, stipulating that she get $1 and no rights to your kids is kind of a slap in the face to your birthmother. (even if she would never know you did that!) Why not just specifically state who you DO want to have custody of your kids if something were to happen to you and your wife?

My family and I have shared many holidays with my birthson and his immediate family. We've never shared them with him and his adoptive parents. (he was an only child) But at this point we could very easily sit down and have a very nice Thanksgiving dinner together! My twin grandsons are 8 yrs. old and guess what? My son's adoptive mom and I are going to Grandparent's Day at their school together on Friday! We did last year too. The first few years of reunion that NEVER would have happened. But like I said, these things take time. I was lucky though, cause my son's adoptive dad was much more open and welcoming to me than his mom. He was anxious to meet me and I think he paved the way for his wife to accept our reunion too. She too is very emotional and has a lot of highs and lows. I'm not saying there's never any 'bumps in the road', but they're now few and far between.

Good luck and I think if you keep everyone's feelings in mind when dealing with your reunion, you'll do fine. Your birthmother is probably just 'in 7th heaven' since you contacted her!

[kakuehl]

As a bmom in reunion I've read this thread with interest. When I found D after years of half-hearted searching, it was on this site within about 5 minutes of registering. Because of recent changes in D's life (2 moves, marriage, etc) his info was out of date. I had his name, however, and located his aparents. They told him and then we waited for him to make the next step.

D's adad was pleased about the contact, his amom was less certain. D actually came to my home for a f2f before Thanksgiving, but he chose to wait until after Christmas to tell his parents because he knew his mom would be upset. It's taken a while for S (D's mom) to be comfortable with me being in D's life. D has been consistent in including me and my family in gatherings at his home (birthdays, etc) and made it clear that I am in his life. He doesn't keep any secrets from his parents (as far as I can tell). We did spend last Christmas together: I brought my dad who met D for the first time, and I got to meet his 2 asisters for the first time. I try to step back a bit when we're together (D's children are S's only grandchildren so I usually focus on chasing AJ, my daughter's 3 yr old.)

I guess my advice is just to be consistent in letting your amom know that you love her and she will never be replaced in your life. (BTW, the only way I would ever try to be guardian for D's children would be if D's parents couldn't... actually I believe D and his wife have named their children's Godparents as guardians in case something happens to them.)

[ukadoptee1968]

Hi, I can relate to how you felt with your birth family, Although I was nervous, I felt totally comfortable with them.
I hope it goes alright with you adoptive parents, it will be painful for them, but really, it's your right to do this, and they have to expect that this may happen one day, it can go with the territory.
Really pleased for you, it's really moving to read others' stories.

[lookin.4.Richard]

I'm looking for my brother who was given up for adoption, and honesty, I know our family is probably going to be that birthfamily that is totally welcoming and kinda overwhelming. My biggest fear is that when we find Richard he won't want anything to do with us. My siblings and I talk about him a lot, and cry everytime another of his birthdays rolls around without finding him.

I'm so glad so many of you have made room in your life for your birthfamilies.

[FallenChild]

Originally Posted by MakDknife75

Thank you each for your support and posts....

So by mom found out that I rekindled things with my birth mom and extended family. It did NOT go well! My mom is a very emotional person. She has high highs and low lows. My wife and brother told me I was an idiot (and worse) and said I should have just lied to my mom and not told her the truth...

My dad was (a little) more understanding. A few days after I spilled the beans to my mom and was reaping the whirlwind he called me and asked me why. I reassurred him. I told him I was simply curious about "those people" and wanted to get to know them. He actually asked me if I was being an opportunist b/c he and my mom thought my bfamily was/is wealthy. I couldn't believe he actually thought that and him asking hurt a little. I of course assurred him that this wasn't the case. I also told him that he was not correct (bfamily is average blue collar- struggling to make ends meet- group of people). I then reassured him some more. This conversation was actually the beginning of making things right with my mom and dad.

My dad also told me I should be careful b/c if anything happened to my wife and I that my bmom could actually have a legal standing to request custody of my kids as her biological grandchildren. I had never heard to contemplated this but with the legal system in the US I think it may be possible. So, on his advice, my wife and I amended our wills to specifically mention my bmom as someone who is to get $1 and not to have custody of my kids.

This sealed the deal and my mom is happy again.

I am glad my dad brought this to my attention because with the ages my kids are (oldest is 7) it is the right thing to do God forbid anything should happen to both my wife and I. When the kids are older, perhaps adults, this is not too much of an issue. I may at some point stipulate that my kids should be given information about the bfamily when they reach 18, but we'll see. For now, this is my journey, not my kids...

At this point I have contact with some bcousins, half brothers, baunts and buncles, and bmom about once every month or two...

I think those who posted that this journey takes time nailed it....

I still feel better that I did not lie to my mom and I am excited about the continued journey!

~MakDknife

WOW- I was truely struck by how your firm exclusion of your mom in your kid's life should you die (hopefully you will NOT for a very long time ) made evrything alright for your adoptive mom - it's really curious .... any idea way this act seemed to be the magic bullet?? Fallen Child