[sleepdeprived]

I was recently found by my bmom and several bsiblings (100% bsiblings). Currently we are only in contact by email, and it has only been a month. They have been very respectful of my wish to take it slow and I have received no pressure to have contact by phone or face to face. We live fairly close to each other, so I have not yet given out my last name or address as I was hesitant about giving this information to complete strangers that are close enought to show up on my doorstep. I am wondering how long people take to ease into reunion. Should I go ahead and give out my address and phone number (I am not unlisted, so with one you might as well give the other). What about meeting face to face? It is all such a big crazy whirlwind. My brain says proceed with caution by my heart says I am being a bit too cautious.

[SuddenlySusan]

It seems like the general rule is that whoever does the finding must be the one to exert the most patience in waiting. The short answer is: wait until you are ready.

In the meanwhile, you can do a lot to prepare yourself, and some of this preparation may help you to feel more ready. My bson "R" had been looking for me on and off for quite a long time. I, on the other hand, was still stuck in 1971 and didn't even know that I *could* search. One day this past January, certain events led me to throw off the shackles and I found "R's" profile on this web site, which he posted in 2005.

One would think that he'd be ready for contact right away, since he had been looking. One would think that because I searched, that I would be ready right away. Well, wrong in both cases. Although my DD began to search for "R" around 1999, MY actual search only took 2 minutes and 2 seconds -- and I was totally taken by surprise! My DD's email to "R" took him by surprise as well.

First email (from DD) to "R" occurred on Jan 23rd, and "R" responded by email the next day. We have been emailing each other at least weekly, if not more, since then. Our first F2F is scheduled to happen next Monday, August 13th. Originally, my DD did not provide "R" with my phone number, just email address and mail address (a PO Box). When I did provide phone contact info, "R" said (in an email) that he really wasn't much of a phone person, but that he preferred email and in-person chats. I told him that worked for me because I thought I might fall out if I heard his voice. Sounds crazy, because as much as I longed to hear his voice, I just wasn't ready to handle it.

We have made all of our travel plans through email, and when I see "R" F2F, that will also be the first time I hear his voice. It is something that we are both comfortable with. When we talked about meeting (we live on opposite coasts), he expressed the need for "down time" so we could have time to process the experience, so to speak. Fortunately, "R" seems to be a very mellow and accepting guy, which is making this much easier for me.

Throughout the past six months, I have been reading a lot, and I found these books to be most enlightening: "The Girls Who Went Away", "Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" and "Primal Wound." I also spent hundreds of hours reading things on the internet, including these forums. I'm not sure about what "R" has done to prepare himself, but since he's had a good life with no regrets, he may not feel the need. I, on the other hand, had some "stuff" to work out.

Bottom line: from first contact to first F2F it will have been about 6-1/2 months for us. Most folks around here agree that slower is *usually* better. Take your time, do what you need to do to prepare yourself, and perhaps inquire from your bfamily what they are doing to prepare themselves. No matter what, though, there are no guarantees. For sure, read the "Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" and feel free to request that bfamily read the book also.

We're here for you, too...

Best wishes,
Susan

[kune]

sleepdeprived
How often are you communicating by e-mail? Are you slowly working up a mental "picture" of your birthfamily and getting a sense of the people they are? Your caution appears to be lessening if you are thinking of giving out your details and face to face meetings.

Do you want a relationship with your birthmother or is it only information and curiosity that is driving the reunion? I ask this because from past posts, you didn't have a compelling need to know your birthfamily but were excited once you had found them so wondered if the search and find was the goal rather than the relationship.

I am wondering how long people take to ease into reunion.

1 year - 5 years - a Lifetime??? Every adoption - reunion will be different but there will also be some commanalities. I believe we each tailor our involvement according to our indivudal needs, so I suggest you work out what your personal boundaries need to be and work from there.

In the first few months the head work and the emotions are all over the place. It is an insane time but also so exciting. Really enjoy your heightened senses because it does subside and everyday life takes over. You will remember this time in years to come and smile and hopefully will be sharing the memories with an extended family.

Regards
Ann

[sleepdeprived]

Thanks you for your responses. I do want a relationship with them. It is a little overwhelming to be found and I was not sure what I initially wanted. And I was hesitant, because I was worried they would want too much and I didn't want to deal with having to let someone down if my expectations were the opposite. I responded mostly because I just wanted the chance to say thank you and let them know that I had a great childhood and have a wonderful life. We have been emailing very frequently (every other day) and I am really enjoying getting to know all of them.

As I am sure you can all reale it is easy to just jump in head first without even looking. Thanks for the book recomendations. I will definately check it out.

[jrainbow]

You don't mention your age and your circumstances. I think those make a lot of difference in how slow you feel like going. I was found in May and I'm over 50 and my bmom is almost 70. There is no one in either of our lives who will be hurt by reunion or our relationship. So I felt no need to wait ... waiting at this point seems silly at best and foolish at worse. Who knows how long we might have together? I found out about her one day, proved the match to our satisfication (very closed and sealed records), and contacted her the next. We met a month later - we live across the country. It has been wonderful for us.

My bdad, on the other hand, has several people in his life that are affected by this and we have talked twice and have no plans to meet - and that is also fine.

I think the speed and what kind of contact has to be up each person and the person who wants to take it slow has precidence - whether they are the bmom or adoptee. You have to be comfortable and feel good about what is happening.

[kune]

Very good post jrainbow and the points made are very pertinent for connecting family members.

I wish you well in your reunion and hope you and your birthmother share many happy years.

Ann

[kakuehl]

D and I had our first F2F about 2 months after our first contact. For us it has worked, primarily because the timing was right for both of us. Our first contacts also were by e-mail and D and I still communicate mostly by IM. I actually communicated with D's aDad first and while I was cautious,from that communication they could have easily found out my address, etc.

Listen to yourself! Try to breathe and relax. (Not easy). Continue to enjoy getting to know about them before your meet htem.