[susanyaz]

I feel really bad for him. He told me years ago to search if I wanted since he wasn't willing to( I wanted medical history for our children) yet he always was interested as I found things.
After 9 years of on and off searching with the help of a wonderful search angel I found her. He wrote her and 4 months later still no response.
I did talk to her niece and found out alot about her. She never had more children although married for many years (niece said they tried) Niece also said she had never talked about my DH with aunt and aunt doesn't even know that she has known about him for a long time. Niece said birthmother has "lived a life of many regrets" Not exactly sure what that means. DH also talked to nephew who said he wanted to talk to birthmom before he sent any pictures but was very friendly. I'm sure birthmother got letter and also has heard at least from nephew. Niece and nephew weren't contacted till approx 1 1/2 months after letter to birthmom.

Now DH is angry that she didn't even have the guts to respond.His letter to her was nice and stated he didn't want to intrude.
He really doesn't want much a few picture maybe a little history regarding his birth. He certainly doesn't want to intrude and have a relationship. He had wonderful adoptive parents who now he is even more thankful for.

According to niece who gave me the missing pieces to help me find the birth dad (he is deceased) we know the birth mother and birth father had a relationship of some sort.Also birth fathers family has confirmed that .She was 19 and he was 23 .DH is 47.

I guess what I'm wondering is it really terrible if he writes her another letter and basically isn't that nice. He knows ther is no relationship to be had there but is angry how this woman who had him the only child she ever gave birth to and she can't even write and say heres some pictures this is what happened now leave me alone. He sent pictures to her of him and our children and I think he even feels violated now that he shared that with her.

I guess I just can't understand not being adopted but only look at if from a woman who went through infertility and 6 IVF's to have my wonderful children. I don't see how a woman can give birth and then be so cold.

Wondering what others dealing with this think.
Thanks

[sal]

I'm an adoptee.. reunited with my bmom and bfamily for 6 years now...I DO know that my bmother had a rush of very intense, very deep emotions when I located her... it took her a couple of months after our first contact to be ready to meet me. You dh's bmom may just be trying to sort out the flood of emotions that she is feeling. While you're waiting...you may want to get Anne Fessler's book.. The Girls Who Went Away. It talks about the intense feelings that many bmothers felt.. which may give some insight into what she is feeling now. Waiting is VERY hard... but I think that a little more may pay off in the end... After a few more months maybe one more letter with the questions that need answering... ie.. health related ones...? Just an idea. I think I would try to cultivate a relationship with the niece...she can give you some health related questions.. or can maybe be the go between to get updated info?.. good luck, sal

[InBlindFaith]

Get the book "The Girls That Went Away". It might explain alot. The women interviewed in this book are from the same era as your DH's birthmom.

Please don't take the Birthmother not responding to heart. Your DH told her he did not want a relationship with her. That is a painful thing to read so she might be leaving it alone because it hurts too much. As a birthmother I know how much that stings. Last summer DD said she had no interest in me right now. I still feel that sting everytime I think about it and it has been a little over a year!!

Read the book, it will help you understand. I also suggest having a box of tissues within reach because some of the interviews will bring tears to your eyes.

[susanyaz]

I spoke to her once and got lucky she was very talkative and was able to get alot of imfo from her. He called and she never returned the call and the nephew while friendly was saying he would have to get birthmothers permission to send pictures.
The birth mom was not in a home she was college age and went to live with her older sister in another city.

[InBlindFaith]

Still read the book. Some of the interviews are of women who were in college and there are a couple who "hid at home". Even though I placed in 1988 my story was similar to those in the book.

That is wonderful that you were able to speak to her. Would you be willing to form some kind of relationship with her? It might help her heal enough to return your DH's calls. As another woman you might be able to help her understand she is not alone???

[susanyaz]

The niece said she is very close with the birth mom but that they had never talked about birthmom putting child up for adption. Noe niece seems to not be responding as DH left her a message 2 months ago and she never responded.

[susanyaz]

DH never told her he did not want a relationship he said something to the effect he didn't want to intrude but would be happy for anything she would share.
What I'm saying now is based on her lack of response he realizes he will never have a relationship with her but would like some acknowledgement ,pictures, history (we have found some now from niece and nephew)so he can put some closure on this. He had curiosity.
I have said to him that at least now he knows where he came from and I would think that would put some closure on it for him. He sid since I'm an adoptee I will never understand.

[InBlindFaith]

Your husband does deserve to know. Give it some time, the book will help you understand what she could be going through emotionally. Would yur husband be willing to write another letter, telling her he has no ill feelings towards her and maybe include a couple of pictures?

Don't give up hope. She has held a huge secret for 47 years and now she's probably scared because she probably has been told she should never think about him again. If the Niece is responding to you then keep that going. The Birthmother might be able to find some reassuarance through her.

[txrnr]

I'm an adoptee, and I'm going to say something that may be very unpopular for some... I don't think being an adoptee makes our rights or feelings any more important than anyone elses in the triad. If your DH's Bmom isn't ready to respond, or has no desire to reopen this chapter of her life, it's her choice. I don't think anyone should make her feel bad for that choice. (the writing her a not so nice letter)

Trust me... I'd like that information too, and I'm sure I'd be ticked off if I was in the same situation, but my desires aren't the only ones that matter. If the situation was reversed, and she wrote you all, and many of your family members, and your husband had not responded... how would you feel if she put more pressure on you?

It sounds like your husband wasn't too interested in the first place, and then curiosity got to him when you found things. Let him work through his anger, and let her deal with this sudden intrusion in her life. Then, if you still feel like contacting her again, be gentle. I'd leave the rest of the family out of it. If my bmom started calling my brother, cousins etc... I would not be happy.

I'm sorry if this was harsh... I certainly didn't intend that. I just hate to see you all continue to push when in reality, it's only been a few months since this bombshell was dropped on her.

[mlassi]

My bmom still hasnt sent pics. I got HS pics from the yearbooks which the library had copies of. Maybe your husband can get some that way.
Mary

[susanyaz]

glad to have that but wanted more.

[sal]

It's VERY hard to not get what one expects... It's also hard when the fantasy of what the reunion would be like, how the people would be is shattered by the truth. That takes some time to sort through...the one thing one does HAVE to do..is accept what is...then decide what to do from there. I had hoped that my bfather would finally step "up to the plate" so to speak about fathering me..he started to...but then sadly backed off because of juvenile reactions from his other children. I had to accept that he would NOT be a father figure and I would NOT have a second biological family that I connected to...wasn't always easy...but the more I know about them all...the better it really is this way. You know the old saying... "be careful what you wish for".. because you may not get exactly what you were thinking! For me, accepting what was and what was NOT going to be allowed me to move past it and look back and wonder why I had ever felt a relationship with such a spineless man was something that I wanted. Good luck...sal

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee whose bmom adamantly refused contact with me years ago. It hurt very much and at that time there weren't too many books written by and about bmoms. So I dealt with it myself with a lot of tears. I have now read "The Girls Who Went Away" and other books from the bmom perspective. I also have a friend who placed her daughter for adoption and locked herself in a closet in the unwed mother's home saying over and over again "I am not a bad person". The emotions involved are so overwhelming. That was back in the times of family secrets. But another friend who placed her baby only about 18 years ago, finds it too painful to even talk about even in these supposedly more "open" times.
I would give your husband's bmom more time. Years after my bmom refused contact with me I reunited with my bsibs and one of my sisters had said that from some of the things she did toward the end of her life, she was getting ready to contact me. (None of my sibs knew about me but some knew "something" was up.)

I didn't want to make a judgement about my bmom even though I was hurting. After finding my bsibs after her death they told me of what she was going through in her personal life around the time I contacted her. It was a hurricane of very horrible things and very easy to understand why she wouldn't/couldn't open yet another door of huge emotions.

I don't feel it is a matter of your husband's bmom being an awful person without feelings. On the contrary, she is more likely a person with a LOT of feelings.

Reunion is like a "dance" sometimes. A little bit forward, a little bit back. It takes a lot of patience and fortitude. It also takes knowing when to back off and accept no matter how difficult that what we dreamed of may never be. (I'm going through that with my possible bdad right now.) A few months is really a short time on the "calendar" of reunion. I would wait a while and then send a nonconfrontational letter to let her know that you are still thinking of her and how much your DH would like to meet her.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Snuffie

[Jannyroo]

I thought I would mention a piece from the Adoption Reunion survival guide (Julie Bailey & Lyn Giddens) that may help to explain things a bit more with regard to how a bmother can be feeling:

p138
birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.

If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell.

Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...

The book is extremely well written and I would recommend it to anyone in adoption reunion because it is gentle on all feelings. I hope it helps.