[richardcp]

At almost 40 years old I felt like I had quite a few things figured out and was 'good-to-go.' I didn't need anything or anybody. I had been there and done that.

I had been adopted as an infant by a family that on the outside was your classic American family, where I endured physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child. I had played high school football; joined the military after high school and fought in a war. I had attended college and started a company with no money and barely a clue. I built it up then brought it back from it's deathbed after the technology crash in 2001. I had everything under control, or at least that's what I told myself.

I had issues, I had plenty of issues. I didn't succeed because I wanted to succeed, I succeeded because I HAD to succeed. I had anger issues, I had control issues, I had issues I didn't even know about, but they could all be summed up in one word. Demons. Demons chasing me, reaching for me, urging me, taunting me... you get the idea.

I started going to a shrink when more than one person told me they could 'feel' my anger over a conference call one day. Something my wife had told me many times before, but of course I ignored it because in my mind I was not yelling and screaming so therefore, I was not angry.

I discovered that I 'forgotten' many of the bad things that had happened to me as a child. Forgotten as in I has convinced myself they didn't happen and if I pushed them far enough down and back, they seemed to cease to exist. They were like dusty boxes in a backroom, closet, basement or attic that got put back there and forgotten about. They were covered with the kind of dust that would soil your hand by simply reaching for the box. Disturbing the box, would send dust upward to your nose, warning you to stay away. Warning you not to open it. Leave it alone... don't go there.

I went there. It seemed as bad or worse than when it all actually happened to me. I realized that my life did suck. I realized why I only felt anger despite all of my accomplishments and a beautiful family. I considered suicide, I had visions of all the horrible things that had happened to me as a child and that horrific slide show in my mind would always end with an image of me sitting with a gun to my head... more specifically, my gun that rested in the top drawer of my dresser. I called a long-time trusted friend and asked her to hold my handgun for me for a while. I eliminated all communication with my adoptive family. I didn't like them and I didn't like how I was treated. This and a lot of work on my issues made me feel somewhat better.

My shrink asked me about my adoption. I wasn't really interested in finding my birth family. I had reasoned that since I was put up for adoption, it must not have been an ideal situation and so what would make me think that it would be a good situation now? Furthermore I had just eliminated my bad adoptive family, why would I want to bring a potentially bad birth family into my life? He responded suggesting simply that "But at least you would know the truth, rather than just assuming."

I had a rule in business that I didn't pay people a lot of money for advice unless I was willing to listen and accept some of the advise. So, I decided to take the advise and begin a search for my birthmother.

A little research on the web and I found the forms I needed via the state in which my adoption took place. I filled them out and sent them in. Well, I sent them in after pondering filling them out, then carrying them around in my car for a few weeks, then finally dropping them in a mailbox.

A few weeks later my wife came into my home office and handed me a letter from the State Adoption department.

I looked at the envelope and tossed it on my desk. Thankfully, I had a busy day and didn't really have time to think about it (remember the demons I mentioned earlier?). It sat the rest of the day without so much as a consideration or thought. Then, after I had beat every demon back into it's hole for the day, I was left alone in my office and the envelope seemed to almost be illuminated because that's all i could see on my desk despite the fact it was surrounded by a pile of other mail, and paperwork.

errrrrrrr... forget it, I grabbed the envelope and sliced it open with a letter opener. Pulled the document from the envelope and unfolded it and began to read. hrrrmmm, some nice fellow at the State was congratulating me and was happy to inform me that my Birthmother was registered and had provided her contact info, which was enclosed on page two of the letter.

Obviously this guy knew or thought he knew something I didn't know. Primarily that I should be happy. Why should I be happy.

I thought about whether to call or not call. Whether to wait or not wait. Probably it was one of maybe three times in my life where I didn't know what I was going to do next.

The next day I finally picked up my cell phone and punched in the number. I had no idea what I would say. I honestly had no idea why I was calling other than it was the next obvious step. Just as I was about to hit the green button on my phone to dial the number I had entered, my phone rang. It was a business call. My demons had some to save me from making the call. A few hours later when things settled down, I again picked up my cell phone and entered the number. I paused, waiting for a second to see if fate would interrupt me again. It didn't and I hit send.

A voice answered, I asked if Linda was available? She responded that she was Linda. I was suddenly overcome with emotion. All I could get out was, "This is Richard."

She told me she was had been waiting on my call for a long time. We talked for about 30 or 40 minutes. She told me that she had registered her information when I was 18 and that they rejected it saying I had to be 21 and so she registered again when I was 21. I was now 39 and she had been waiting all this time. It made me feel good. It was probably the first time I could remember feeling 'good.'

Feeling good was good. It was nice. It was comfortable. It was a foreign concept for me. I didn't know how to handle it. She told me she wanted to meet me, but that the next step was up to me. Wow! She actually cared about my feelings and was willing to accept my decision. I was amazed. It was nice, very nice.

I told her I wanted to meet her also, but would need a day or so to figure out when I could travel due to my work schedule. I called her back the next day and told her I could fly up that weekend if that was worked for her.

I got on a airplane on Saturday morning and took a flight to meet my mother. Despite my efforts to not set expectations either good or bad, I couldn't help but recall images from the movie Antwone Fisher. My shrink had recommended I watch that movie when I was considering finding my mother and it was all to real for me. Way to real.

My mother met me at the airport and we went to lunch. She asked me to drive because she was too flustered and emotional to drive. When we got in the car, she gave me a blue baby blanket saying she never got to give me one. Then she handed me a picture she had taken of me in the hospital when I was one day old. She had held onto that picture all these years.

It felt good, but I didn't feel an immediate bond with this person. After all, she was a stranger, despite the fact she was my mother. I didn't worry about it and we proceeded to a restaurant for some lunch. We talked through lunch and got to know each other. I didn't notice I felt comfortable until I looked down and noticed I had ordered desert, something I rarely do, and was sitting there across from my mother eating a giant chocolate chip cookie and drinking a milk shake... hardly my type of desert, yet there I sat, contently eating.

Over the remainder of my stay (just one day) I felt a bond quickly build. As she dropped me off at the airport on Sunday and I hugged her, I didn't know what to say, so I just said what I felt... "I missed you mom" I didn't understand how I could have missed her, but I did. It was undeniable.

A few weeks later I flew up for a long weekend and took my wife and child. My brother flew his family in from the west coast to meet me and about 20 or more people from the family showed up on Saturday to meet me. It was overwhelming... overwhelmingly good. I had never experienced so much 'good.'

Returning home after this emotional and wonderful weekend, my wife looked at me over dinner and said "You have a very nice family." This comment hit me like a truck on the highway. This comment really summed it all up for me. I was no longer someone who had no family. I was no longer someone who had a bad adoptive family whom I had tried desperately to forget. I was no longer this edge, angry, demonized person who HAD to succeeed. Suddenly I was just me and for the first time in my life that was "ok."

My wife chuckled at my comments and added "Are you sure you are the Richard who lives at xxxxxx address?"

I honestly wasn't sure. Everything said I did, but I did feel like an entirely different person. Questions, I never knew I had were now answered. More importantly, I was loved. Not because of what I had done, but just because.

Thanks for reading. I know every experience is different for each person, but if you are fearful of what you will find; like I was, push through and do it. The fear is worse than what you will find.

[amyshaw]

WOW!! Awesome story!! I'm so glad you were able to find some peace, and good things in your life!!

[janiej]

Thank you SO much for sharing your story. I am so happy for you, AND your mother. And for encouraging those who might be "hesitant".

My son searched and found me at age 39. I had kept things updated at the agency....but had been told to never, ever try to find him. And of course, as most of us "back then" did, I bought into it.

Thank you for finding her....and for accepting her. She has ALWAYS loved you, and thought of you.

[char1mom]

Wow! I have crept through these forums for months without registering. Your story not only brought me to tears but nudged me to register to let you know how wonderful I think this is. You seem like an amazing person and your mom must be incredibly thankful that she is able to have a relationship with you. All the best to you and your family!

[richardcp]

Originally Posted by janiej

Thank you SO much for sharing your story. I am so happy for you, AND your mother. And for encouraging those who might be "hesitant".

My son searched and found me at age 39. I had kept things updated at the agency....but had been told to never, ever try to find him. And of course, as most of us "back then" did, I bought into it.

Thank you for finding her....and for accepting her. She has ALWAYS loved you, and thought of you.

Thanks and you are right. She has always loved me and it feels so good to know that. I never knew what that felt like. People would talk about their families, mom, etc and I would believe them, but I had no idea what they really were talking about. I would describe it as before I had my child, friends would tell me how wonderful it was to have children. I was convinced they were crazy, but I believed they believe what they were telling me. However, since I hadn't experienced it or anything close to it, I had no idea what they were talking about.

Suddenly it all makes sense and things seem to be falling in place for me.

thanks again.

[richardcp]

Originally Posted by char1mom

Wow! I have crept through these forums for months without registering. Your story not only brought me to tears but nudged me to register to let you know how wonderful I think this is. You seem like an amazing person and your mom must be incredibly thankful that she is able to have a relationship with you. All the best to you and your family!

Thank you for taking time to register and write me. I wasn't a wonderful person... but I'm starting to finally think i'm pretty good and for the first time, that's acceptable.

Not 100% sure why, I think just because i don't have to prove anything to my mother for her to love me. Unique concept I know.

Thanks again.

[richardcp]

Originally Posted by amyshaw

WOW!! Awesome story!! I'm so glad you were able to find some peace, and good things in your life!!

Amy, thanks. Ya, I'm pretty excited and happy. I saw your events/dates in your sig. Best of luck in your reunion.

[Lynard1210]

Richard, what a beautiful story. The way you wrote it made me want to keep reading and reading . . .i think you have a real talent for writing, among other things it sounds like.

I know lots of over-achieving adoptees. I've come to conclusion we constantly do, do, do to earn that unconditional love that so eludes us (not to say all adoptes don't experience it). I know what you are talking about, though, that your birth mom just loved you because of who you were, not what you accomplished. My birth mom treats me the same way. She tells people it's such a 'miracle" that I found her.

One of my best friends had an abusive adoptive family and when I've talked to her about finding her birth family she says, "I'm afraid I hurt my birth mom". She also has no contact with her adoptive family. It's sad but I hope one day she reconsiders. Her brother has had a happy, successful reunion.

Congratulations. I'm so glad you found happiness in your life.

[sal]

I wanted to offer my congratulations on your reunion.. I've been reunited with my bfamily for 6 years now and can't believe the inner peace that this has brought in my life. Best way that I can describe it is that a HUGE hole was filled but I never had realized that I actually HAD a hole! I agree that your writing is wonderful...I'm hoping that you write your WHOLE story someday.. I think it would become a best seller! Keep us posted on your reunion... there is wonderful support here as well as in the chatroom... hope to see you there sometime... sal

[SuddenlySusan]

Richard... thank you for sharing your story with us, and thanks for digging deep and expressing what you felt. I hope to read more of your writing some day... it is very inspiring. Best wishes in your reunion.

Peace,
Susan
(bmom in reunion)

[richardcp]

Lynn, Thanks for the kind comments on my writing style. Especially thanks for sharing your conclusion on the over-achiever adoptee. I learned that I had spent my entire life trying to prove my worth in hope of acceptance and unconditional love.... just as you said.

Regarding your friend... That was one of my concerns, I told my wife and my shrink that "one of my mother's first questions would be, how was your childhood." Sure enough as we sat down for lunch, that was her first question.

I told her there was something about me she should know. I told her that I will tell her the truth, so she shouldn't ask something she doesn't want to know about. She responded, that she was glad I would tell the truth and confirmed she really did want to know.

I prefaced it with an explanation that I was only telling her to be truthful and open, but that I had nor have any intentions of hurting her, nor do I blame her for what happened.

I didn't mention the sexual abuse, I felt that was just unnecessary at that time, but did discuss the physical and emotional aspect of it all. I think sharing that with her helped us begin to build an open and honest relationship from the beginning.

Hope that helps your friend.
~rcp

[richardcp]

Sal,
Very well said, I've used that exact phase... that I had a hole filled that I didn't even realize I had. Thanks for the feedback on my writing. Maybe I'll fill in some details of the story and post it up for you guys.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by richardcp

I had issues, I had plenty of issues. ....I had anger issues, I had control issues, I had issues I didn't even know about, but they could all be summed up in one word. Demons. Demons chasing me, reaching for me, urging me, taunting me... you get the idea. I started going to a shrink when more than one person told me they could 'feel' my anger over a conference call one day. .....I realized that my life did suck. .....I considered suicide...my adoptive family. I didn't like them

She told me that she had registered her information when I was 18 ....she had been waiting all this time. It made me feel good. It was probably the first time I could remember feeling 'good.'

She actually cared about my feelings .... I was amazed. It was nice, very nice.

It felt good, but I didn't feel an immediate bond with this person. After all, she was a stranger, despite the fact she was my mother. I didn't worry about it and we proceeded to a restaurant for some lunch. We talked through lunch and got to know each other. I didn't notice I felt comfortable....

I was no longer this edge, angry, demonized person who HAD to succeeed. Suddenly I was just me and for the first time in my life that was "ok."

I honestly wasn't sure. Everything said I did, but I did feel like an entirely different person. Questions, I never knew I had were now answered. More importantly, I was loved. Not because of what I had done, but just because.

Thanks for reading. I know every experience is different for each person, but if you are fearful of what you will find; like I was, push through and do it. The fear is worse than what you will find.

I think the reason this has made me cry is that it is so close to home with the above comments. My son searched for me (I didn't feel worthy), he needed to feel that I loved him "just because". He needed to know that it didn't matter whether he had a job or not, whether he was successful or not. He went through a lot of what is described above. We didn't feel an immediate bond with each other initially, but it grew, quickly, with the talking over the phone. I'd left a letter for him when he was 16 and waited.... went numb, told myself why would he bother with a worthless mother like me? How on earth could he want someone who'd given him to complete strangers?

I'd been sucked into the idea fed at relinquishment that he was having a great life - yeh and some, but he wasn't, it was the hole in his heart and it needed me. My hole in my heart - awful, I didn't realise it was there until he turned up into my life. He hated growing up without me, and my life was wrecked from relinquishment onwards. Thank goodness he had the guts to look for me and find out. We're healing now. I had anger issues, so did he, but they've dissolved now. We both feel good, it certainly feels good to be in each others lives. It could have been so different if he hadn't made the decision to look and find me.

The best bit for me was when I realised how much we'd connected - now 15 months on . He told me that (x) looked disdainfully at him being bowled out of cricket 1st throw, but he made a wonderful catch and he became man of the moment - that one's for you mum ..... I'm brimming with emotion, because he knows that I'd love him whatever.. status and achievement has no hold on me, and he needed to know that, and he does. It was the most moving point of our reunion, and it only happened a week ago.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It will touch hearts wherever it goes. It certainly touched mine and made me realise how much my son and I need each other. It gave me a mans perspective. We don't get too much of that on here. Thanks again.

[richardcp]

Thanks for sharing Jan. I'm glad you found my story helpful. Congrat's on your reunion. I'm happy for you.

[kakuehl]

Richard,
Like the others, I am touched by your story. I found my bson through this site almost 2 years ago. When I was telling one of my cousins about our reunion, she commented that I had found a missing piece of my heart.

Unconditional love is just that - unconditional. It can't be earned, it can only be responded to! You can accept or reject it. It's always amazing to me to recognize how many of us insist on trying to work for what we already have. I love all my children unconditionally, no matter what. That means that while it hurts incredibly to watch them make decisions that I believe are wrong for them and will lead to unhappiness, I never stop loving them. (and that includes D) I think it took D sometime to realize that I did and do love him, that he was not placed for adoption because of lack of love. (It took my mother some time to realize that for me placing D for adoption was out of love. )

As far as sharing information about your childhood: if your bmom is anything like me, she really does want to know. Even if it hurts. The son I raised recently told me that he was sexually abused by a member of our church when he was a boy. He will not give me anymore details than that. It was and is hard to live with, although it does explain some changes in him (if the "when" I suspect is true.) It's most painful however, that he didn't tell me at the time so that I could have done something about it. (Get him counseling, kill the molester, etc.) Hard as it is for me to live with, I'm glad he finally told me.

I hope your relationship with your birth family continues to deepen and grow.