[Pommom]

Let me start by saying I'm new to this I am an adoptee who just found my bfamily after 20 yrs of on/off searching. I hired a lady in FL and within a week and half she emailed me the name and address of my bfathers widow(Judy) and my brother. I called the widow who didn't know a thing about me she called my bmom(Lani) and verified that yes, Gene her husband was my father. Bmom (Lani)and Bfather(Gene) were seperated at time of my birth. My nonid said I had a sister(Claudean) and two brothers.(Lance and John Paul) Widow Judy didn't know anything about John Paul. She asked Lani when she called her to tell her about me finding them and Lani denied knowing anything about it. Have been in contact with Lani and brother and sister for about a month now. Lani confessed to me that yes she did have another son John Paul is 2 years older than me and she adopted him out as well. Apparentely her and Gene were seperated at the time and he is from a diffrent father and Gene made her adopt him out.
John P found Lani 8 years ago and kept in touch until about 3 yrs ago and nothing since then. Okay long and confusing story.
Here's the question. I want to contact him and I asked her and she said it wouldn't be a good idea and I said why and she told him she didn't have any other children after him? Claudean knows about him but, not Lance. I don't want to make her mad but, after all he is my halfbrother. What should I do? I know he lives in TX and his last name it would be easy to find him.
Please give any advice!!!

[BrockBaby]

Pom,
Welcome to the forums! Wow, what a story you have! Are you in contact with your bmom a lot? How is your relationship? I guess when I think about contacting siblings, I put into consideration the way that my doing so will affect others I am in relationship with. However, I feel that you are an adult, and if YOU really want to contact your half-brother, then go for it!! The relationship that you share with him, does not have to include other family members. And the fact that you were also adopted might be easier for him to have a relationship with you then the other birthfamily members. I am in a similiar situation with one of my half brothers from my bdad. G, my half-brother, is older than I am, and his mom had two children with "our bdad". The first child was also placed for adoption, and then she moved away when she got pregnant with G so her parent's wouldn't make her place him for adoption as well. LONG STORY SHORT...lol....but our shared bdad did not have ANYTHING to do with G growing up. He has since been "reunited" with our aunt and uncles, because they work at the same place!!!! He wants nothing to do with our bdad, and doesn't even reach out really to the aunt and uncles. Amazingly enough, our other half brother, V, that was raised by our bdad, works with him as well..V does not talk to G though, and will pass him without saying anything. So, when I called G, and found all this out, I figured he wouldn't really want anything to do with me as well....and wouldn't be into talking with me or anything. However, when we talk on the phone, it is amazing!!! The last time we were talking, he was tourmenting me sooo bad, and I was like...You shouldn't tease me like that! And he was like.. WELL...I have 32 years to catch up on..besides that's what big brothers do to little sisters!!!! That amazed me! I quickly told him though that I was only 30..he's the one that's 32, so he only has 30 years of catching up on!!! I can tell that he is more comfortable with me, then the others, because like him, I was on the outside of the birthfamily. I didn't grow up with them, so in a sense I did not "reject" him like the rest of the birthfamily. (remember that He was not adopted out, he lived with his mom, and our bdad's family was NOT a part of his life at all, so that is why he feels rejected by them). So perhaps your half brother would feel safe with you as well. At any rate, I think you need to follow YOUR heart on this!! Good Luck and please let us know what happens!!!

[CindyWho]

As adoptees we have spent our lives keeping other people's secrets. You need to focus on what you want, and if it's making contact with your half-brother than you absolutely should.

I found four half-brothers a few years ago (both of my birth parents had passed away)and the connection that we have, and our families now have, is central to all of us. We try to spend as much time together as possible, which involves a lot of travel as only 2 of us live in the US.

Knowing is always better than not knowing - so take a deep breath and jump in! And besides, wouldn't you want to know that you had another sibling if the roles were reversed?

Keep us posted!

[grandbabyholt]

Hi Lori, I agree, you should follow your heart. You can't really know what your brother wants until you ask him yourself. I recently found my cousin who was like a little brother to my mom before they all got adopted out. When I first spoke to his adopted family, they tried very hard to keep us apart. When I did get ahold of him personally, he was thrilled to hear from me and now he keeps constant contact with me and the rest of the birthfamily. It was really scary at first because I thought that he wouldn't want to be contacted after the way his afamily reacted. I'm glad I let my heart lead the way.

You need to prepare yourself for any outcome. Your brother may be thrilled or he may want to be left alone. I wouldn't call him until you are sure you are ready to accept either response. In any case, at least you will know and have some closure.

[ticchick]

Yeah, I would do what your heart tells you.

I just found my birth family too- my bmother married my bfather and they had 3 other children. My mom found my bmother 20 years ago and made contact and my bmother had not told her kids about us (me and my twin) so was not wanting contact at that time. My mom would never tell me her name but I have now found it and all my siblings as well.

I plan to contact my bmother first and see what she is open to and whether she has told her kids. If she doesn't want contact with me then I will let her know that I do plan to contact my siblings, but at least I have given her a chance to tell them in her own way rather than dropping a bomb on her life without warning. But I do feel that I have a right to meet them and I believe they would want to know about me as well.

[Pommom]

Hey all thank you for all the great advice. I'm even more convinced to call my half brother now. Over the last month that I've talked to my bfamily I've found out how messed they really are. Sister doesn't want anything to do w/ me she is so jealous I will have a relationship with bmom and half sister is not to happy because her mother my bfathers widow is mad about me appearing in their life. Bbrother emails me from his cell phone because his girlfriend is jealous and they áll think that I am trying to become friends w/ them to fast. Ha it's been 42 years. To top it off Bmom only calls when my bsister is not home so she doesn't get mad at her. It really sucks and I hope my half brother will accept me since he was adopted out as well. At least we have that in common. I suspect the reason he no longer has any contact w/ bmom is because she never told the rest of the family about him and he felt rejected all over again and doesn't wan to deal w/ her.
Thanks again. I just needed to vent.
Pommom