[Aelexa]

I've posted many things on this forum through the years I've been involved in it. Now I'm just going to vent a little bit with people who I know will and can understand. I am so angry with my birthmother - how could she tell me NOT TO CALL HER? Ok, it was a difficult time for her when I was born - well, that's just an awful lot about what happens in general in life isn't it? Things happen to everyone.

But how could she deny me any type of relationship with her - or her father, or her other 2 children??!! And she's the only one who truly knows my father's identity. I don't have much information on him, and what I do have (mainly his first & last names & hair/eye colors), isn't getting me anywhere. My biological dad's name is Robinson...and the first name I have is Eddie. Not much information...and I don't even know where to begin looking!! I found her through the information in my adoption file obtained from the court in the state I was born. Luckily, her father (my biological grandfather) still lives at the same address she used on the papers in 1969!! So, I'm not supposed to call him...and he won't call me because she told him not to. He's 84, so really at her mercy and I understand that. I just feel so SLIGHTED that there are others I could be talking to but have no way to find them.

YIKES!!!! I feel like I'm being whiney, and maybe I am. But this just bites!

Anyone who has input - it is so very welcome!

[InBlindFaith]

(((Aelexa))) I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I would love to hear from my DD whether it's email, letters, phone, f2f or even some cryptic message stuck to my front door.

I hope she comes around!! I think you deserve to have the answers to your questions.

((((HUGS))))

[mlassi]

Hi, as an adoptee who is not "allowed" to call bmom or send snail mail (unless she okays it ahead of time) I can relate to that. I do have a good relationship with my birthfather (fortunately his name is uncommon). If you want to pm me I can give you some search ideas about how to find your bfather. I know its frustrating knowing where family is (bmom is one of seven, I know where all but one is) and not being "allowed" to contact them. In a way I regret promising her I wouldnt contact anyone, but I am keeping to my word. Since she did give me some basic information on her family (mine too darn it), I have done what I call "stealth genealogy" and have learned much about the family history that way. Good luck.
Mary

[FAYE56]

Aelexa

At least you have a name and location to start with. I'm searching without a name - Bmother won't give up his name and doesn't want contact with me........so I've been posting through Classmates.com my story to the school she went to as well as the school my bfather supposedly was affiliated with (don't know in what capacity) How close are you too her in location? You could try surrounding libraries for yearbooks. I'm hoping to take a trip to New Mexico in the fall to nose around the schools and library.

Good Luck !- remember you still have more info than a lot of the rest of us.

[Isabo]

Alexa,
I am very sorry that your first mom is not open to contact with you. It sounds like the relinquishment of you, her first child was a very traumatic event and time for her, and she does not feel able to deal with that at this time. Have your read The Girls Who Went Away, by Ann Fessler, or Wake Up Little Susie, by Ricki Sollinger? These books discuss relinquishment during the closed adoption era, now coming to be known as the Baby Snatch Era (BSE). Many Mother's didn't have any choice in relinquishment of their baby and they were treated very poorly by everyone involved, including their parents. Your first mother may not want her Dad to talk to you because he very well may have been the person who forced her to relinquish you. I have heard many stories about the grandparents saying things like "you will not bring that little ******* into my home!" What a way to treat their daughter and grandchild! but that is what happened in many cases. My parents were not quite that bad, but they did lead the charge to the adoption agency. I have a good relationship with my son and he and my parents, who he calls Grandma and Grandpa, also have a good relationship (which I encourage). I have not told any of them that it is very difficult for me to see this and encourage this, while knowing how they contributed to me losing my first and only child.

Reunion for me and so many others brings up a boatload of grief that was buried and never dealt with. Evelyn Robinson is a wonderful author who talks about disenfranchised grief, which is grief over a loss that is neither socially recognized nor supported. So many mothers from the BSE suffer from this, and reunion brings it all to the forefront. I am not saying this is a bad thing - just difficult or even overwhelming for many of us. Ultimately it is healthy. But it isn't just a ""life happens" kind of thing that can be shrugged off. I encourage you to google "Evelyn Robinson" and "disenfranchised grief" and read her speech on it. It is wonderful. I will caution you that it is a powerful read.

I am very sorry about your situation. It can change though! My reunion with my son has not been so much a rollercoaster as it has been a series of cliffs and valleys, where it took complete leaps of faith to jump off those cliffs and climb back up. Perserverance and a really thick skin (which I have developed) has helped me through into a stable relationship with my son. My son was open to me but hiding behind an army of people who thought they knew what he needed and wanted but really were applying their own agenda. I felt like David swinging at an army of Goliaths, each of which was defending my son from the "evil birth thing" HE HAD SOUGHT OUT AND FOUND who was only trying to have a loving relationship with her first and only child. He finally woke up and we smote those Goliaths together, and we now are working on a wonderful relationship. It took a whole lot of knocking on his door and dodging a whole lot of bullets to get there. I guess what I am trying to say is don't give up, just come up with a new game plan!

I am not familiar with your story, so I do not know how open your first mom would be to you giving her some books and articles to read, starting with the ones I have named here?

I wish you all good things,
Hugs, Karen in KY

[sweetred]

Hi Aelexa I'm so sorry that your B-Mom has chosen to not have contact with you. I am B-Mom and can't wait to be able to here from my kids But everyone is different and maybe she will look deep inside herself and reach out to you one day don't give up on her!!! I know its sucks right know i guess if it was me I'd write to my grandfather his not going to be here for ever but that's what I would do keep your head held high and SMILE!! hope this helps at bit /SweetRed