[thebigD]

There is no harder relationship on earth. Three years post reunion and the relationship is fading fast. Bmom has too much transference towards me. I understand her pain, but do not take it out on me in subconscious ways. We are only 14 yrs apart and I suppose we act more like peers than anything else. She makes me feel akward when I ask about my Lebanese heritage. Why do you care about that? Her two children want nothing to do with me as I have destroyed their mother's Madona complex. "My mom had sex at 14 and had a child with a man other than their father!" She doesn't aknowledge this and claims that they have their own life and this has had little impact.BS!!! My younger brother and I look like twins. I just can't imagine his ambivalence! She has told no one other than her children about me. 35 yrs later I still remain the dirty little secret. She is very successful and that bugs me at times. I want to say "Imagine where ya would be if you didn't pawn me off." We constantly try to hurt one another in trivial ways and insensitivity. I no longer take calls from her and she no longer e-mails. It has been 2 yrs since she has seen me and her 3 only grandchildren (that all look like her father's family). I look more like her than her other children ironically so. I share the same name as her father, who died a year after my relinquishment. So many things in commom. But so far apart. I hate that I hurt my mother (adoptive ofcourse) in trying to heal my bmom, so I thought. She has NEVER refered to me as son and we have never told each other "I love you." My bfather and I have done this many times. So what's up with us!!!! Just venting. Good luck bmoms anad bsons. Your in for a rough ride. D

[kakuehl]

I'm sorry your reunion has been so difficult for you! Please know that they are not that way. Perhaps the age of your bmom is part of the problem. (Just a thought - some people lash our or pick at others because they feel guilty about their own decisions... It's not rational, but happens.)

My relationship with my bson D has taken a very different path from yours. Differences: I was 21 when he was born - not 14; my husband (not the bdad) has always known of his existence, as have his siblings. D and daughter S spend a great deal of time together. Both have small children. (In my avatar right now you see I - D's daughter and AJ - S's son. They love each other dearly except when they want the same toy!)

How old are your siblings? Not only do you prove their mother is not the "Madonna" (although remember she was a girl who had a child outside of welock!) you are also proof that their mother has kept secrets from them; so, how can they trust her?

One thing that both D and I have been clear about: his amom is his mother. She has raised him from birth. I couldn't take her place if I wanted to! I love spending time with D and finding how similar we really are (It's a fascinating study of nature v. nurture.) I've appreciated the opportunity to get to know his parents and to spend time with them, since D invites all of us to family gathering.

I wish you well in your relationships with your bfamily. I firmly believe that we can enrich each others lives.

[Mil]

Good luck bmoms anad bsons. Your in for a rough ride. D

Thank goodness that statement isn't always true. My birthson found me when he was 27 yrs. old. I was 47. We have a great relationship and I've never been happier. I easily acknowledged him as my son. We tell each other 'I love you' quite often. We're very involved in each other's life despite living several hours apart. We're very much alike emotionally and understand each other easily.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time in your relationship with your birthmother. It must be extremely devastating and hurtful to want a good relationship and only have pain. Have you told her how much this relationship (or lack of it) hurts you? My heart goes out to you.