[kakuehl]

I know it's been said before, but hard as it is, please try to remember that it's not you the person they are rejecting. They don't know you. It's the situation; the shame they still feel for bringing shame to the family (yes that's what many of us were told); the secret they have kept for so many years and are afraid to share.

In many ways, I was so lucky. While I felt some shame for getting pregnant. It was never a secret. My husband knew, my children knew... my in-laws knew! My friends knew. When I found him and we began our reunion, I didn't have to come "out of the closet." The decision to place D was mine; my parents would have supported anything I did. I placed because I truly believed it was best for him; I never tried to forget him and "get on with my life." On the other hand I have continued to live my life and not gotten stuck in anger or depression, or guilt (not that I haven't dealt with that).

I am so sorry for all of you who are refused contact as well as those who refuse contact; you all miss so much. You are in my thoughts!

[lauralee3]

You know, I have no idea what my birth sister is thinking (and she may even be reading this thread for all I know), but I've tried to place myself in her shoes. And I think, if it was me (who was adopted), I would *want* someone to come looking for me. And as I've stated in my letters, I'm not looking for anything from her...all I want to do is share what I know with her! If I had no idea about my origins, I'd love for someone to tell me!

And she is now the *same* age as our mother was when she died (and I wrote about that...didn't want her to think her birth mother was ignoring her). Wouldn't you think she'd want to know from what? My birth sister has two kids (from what I understand) and I'd like to think she'd at least seek out medical information for them. But I can't force her to, nor will I give up any further information about our mother without good reason.

But you know what? I've done my job. Five separate letters is enough. If she's not interested, she's not interested. I've accepted it. And now that I'm on the other side of 40 (yikes!), I don't have the time or inclination to go chasing people that aren't interested in me. It is what it is, ball's in her court, her loss, yada, yada, yada........

I feel for everyone on this board. As an earlier poster said...we're not criminals, we're birth family.

Much love and strength to all who have been touched by adoption.

[Liesl73]

In all fairness, I don't want to become a huge part of her life, I have my adoptive parents who mean the world to me. All I'm asking is an opportunity to sit down with her and ask some questions that have a very big influence on my life. I have absolutely no idea who my father is, not even sure he knows that I excist? I really do not want to upset her or her family but I strongly feel that I have a right to know certain things.
I have this emptyness inside of me, it hurts so much not knowing anything about my past!

[Liesl73]

In all fairness, I don't want to become a huge part of her life, I have my adoptive parents who mean the world to me. All I'm asking is an opportunity to sit down with her and ask some questions that have a very big influence on my life. I have absolutely no idea who my father is, not even sure he knows that I excist? I really do not want to upset her or her family but I strongly feel that I have a right to know certain things.
I have this emptyness inside of me, it hurts so much not knowing anything about my past!

[lauralee3]

but I strongly feel that I have a right to know certain things.


Yes, you do. I totally agree. I think every birthparent owes their child a sitdown (or a comprehensive letter) detailing their origins.

[kakuehl]

Somewhere there is a letter I wrote to D, giving him as much information as I could think of and letting him know I was open to contact. He never got it....

I agree, I think all of us should be able to have that information. My grandfather one started to trace his family history but reached a deadend when he found the "skeleten" - apparently someone born out of adoption who was left at an orphanage...no further info available.

[sleepdeprived]

I feel horrible for those of you adoptees that have been rejectd by your birth families. I am an adoptee who was recently found by my birth family. Several wise people on this website recomended to read "The Girls That Went Away" by Ann Fessler to help try and understand what birth mothers have gone through. The book is specific to birth mothers who surrendered children prior to Row vs Wade. Even though I was born post Row vs Wade, I know that my birth mother's parents forced her into placing me in adoption, and as such it has given me perspective on what she must have gone through. I suggest this book to everyone as I think it is very helpful in understanding the emotions that birth mothers have gone through. Unfortunately everyone responds to stress differently and where some get a great sense of peace through meeting a child placed in adoption I think other people are just not emotionally strong enough to handle the revisiting of the feeling they have been surpressing all of these years.

I hope that all of your birth families realize soon that they are missing out on a wonderful opportunity to get to know you. In the meantime, I hope this book can help you find at least a little peace in why they are not open to reunion at this time. Good luck to all of you!

[lauralee3]

I have read (most of anyway) The Girls Who Went Away and it was very emotional for me. During my mother's time here on earth, she never discussed what happened to her. I only found out about my birth sister well after she had passed away. But I do know my mother was forced to give her away (by my grandmother, who died when I was an infant), and after reading the book and the many stories of women in similar situations, it totally made sense to me. All the hurt and pain my mother carried around for all those years had an origin...being forced to give up a baby against her will (and she was a strong-willed lady). I just wish I could hug my mom and tell her that I understand so much more now. She was a great woman who got a sh*#y deal in life.

But even though I "get it" now, the situation remains an exercise in frustration. Here I sit, raised an only child and my parents are now dead...and I have a 100% birth sibling (yup, same dad too) somewhere out there...who seemingly, wants nothing to do with me. Perhaps she's bitter about being adopted, perhaps she's perfectly content with her parents and siblings (lucky her), perhaps it's fear of the unknown, perhaps it's something else...who knows? But a response to my letters would've been nice. I'm a sibling, not her mother. I had absolutely nothing to do with her circumstances.

I mean really, what else can I do?

[Liesl73]

Please could you tell me who the author is of The Girls that went away, would love to get the book and read it. I am willing to do anything to understand and maybe help her understand all these emotions and feelings.

As I know her address, should I just go and meet with her? Will that upset her to much, somehow I feel that I am not going to get anywhere unless I do it all from my side?

[snuffie]

Aw, it is soo hard to want something soo badly and not be able to get it no matter how hard we try. I'm in a similar situation trying to find out for sure who my bdad is and running out of time as he would be in his mid 80's.

I wish there was a way to make others think as we do and make them want to know us. Some magic potion or something. Lauralee, I wonder what your sisters reasons for not answering your letters is? Did she not know she was adopted? Is she afraid of hurting her aparents? Is she afraid to tell her children she is adopted? (Some people are afraid.) There is always hope. I worked with a woman whose mother placed a daughter for adoption. She knew where she was and watched her daughter grow up without any contact. When her daughter reached 18 she contacted her and her daughter refused to meet her nor meet her full sister. It took a long time (and the death of her amom) but she did contact her mom and sister.

Lies - I've been where you are. My bmom refused contact from me. Years later, after she passed away, I reunited with my bsiblings. And they told me about what was going on in my bmom's life when she refused contact. And even though they didn't know about me there were clues all along that she always thought about me and loved me. For one a doll that she named the same name that she gave me at birth. It stayed on her bed all of her life and when anyone would mention the name Rachel my mom would start sobbing.

I don't know that just going to meet you bmom would change things. Sometimes that only serves to make matters worse. No matter how hard we try to change someones mind it is totally up to them to change. Maybe giving her some more time would be the way to go? I guess in the end, you need to do what your "gut" is telling you.

Best wishes to both of you.

Snuffie

[sal]

The author of The Girls Who Went Away is Anne Fessler... it's a VERY insightful book... I had to have a big box of Kleenex nearby! sal

[SuddenlySusan]

First, just let me say to all of you that your posts here move me to tears. However, tears have become a familiar friend to me since I found my son's profile on this website in January of this year.

Yes, read the book "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. Even though I surrendered my son (in 1971), I did not really understand what was happening, and I was 18 years old at the time of surrender. I think perhaps the ability to reunite is affected greatly by the circumstances of surrender, how the first mother's life was affected after surrender, and how open she was (or was allowed to be) about the surrender.

Most first moms were not given any counseling whatsoever; many of those who did receive counseling heard something to the effect of "just forget it happened" and "don't ever try to make contact, you will just hurt your child" and even "you have given up every right to know anything." To understand the effects of brainwashing, manipulation and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), do a little research and reading. Sometimes, first contact is received much like the news that your husband is cheating on you. If you accept the reality, you also acknowledge the lies and pain, and for some it is just too much to bear. I'm sure we all know people who deny a certain reality because they cannot face the consequences which are associated.

I just got back last week from my first face-to-face meeting with my son "R". He is a wonderful young (36 y/o) man with his own family now. He was a great host to my husband (who is not "R's" BF) and myself, and we had a lot of fun with his wife and children. We didn't get into any heavy issues, as he wanted to keep things light. When it was time to go, I gave him my copy of Ann Fessler's book, which I had made notes in and marked relevant passages. He emailed me yesterday to say that reading the book has changed his perspective. I needed him to know the story that so many of us have shared, and that even though the circumstances may not be the same, the outcome was a common one: unspeakable grief and unconsolable loss.

When I found "R" he was so enthusiastic about the contact that he put together a photo album that covered his entire life, and had it delivered to me on his birthday (by then we had been in contact only about 5 weeks or so). However, it took me 6 months to put together about half of an album of my life, and I'm sure he wondered what was taking so long. Well, I have to say that putting that photo album together for him was incredibly painful for me. My father died 20 years ago, and was a great man. My mother died 13 years ago, and it was she who begged me not to surrender my son. I cannot tell you the grief I have known as I touched her pictures and remembered her agony over my decision. I just could not proceed any faster, because every day I worked on the album was a day of torture for me. I cried not only over the loss of my son, but relived the loss of my parents -- knowing that they were not here to experience our reunion. Every photograph brought a surge of emotions, day after day.

The thing is, we are all different, and some first moms will live out their entire lives believing that they are unworthy, or tainted. Some live in fear that if they open themselves up to contact, that they also will be rejected and will have to face the overwhelming loss all over again. Some are willing to jump into the fire, and some are too afraid. Some still believe the lies they were told and will avoid the fire at all costs. I was willing to jump in and walk through the fire of emotions, but I was also incredibly loved as a child and young woman. I was never mistreated by my family, and have been looked to in my family as the "strong" one.

The greatest pain in my life centers around the loss of my son, and the loss of my parents who loved him as much as I; the next greatest pain in my life centers around finding my son.

The fruit of reunion is bittersweet, yet I relish in the taste...because I understand that there is no joy without pain. I did not always understand this, though. I thought that I found peace when I found "R"... I now have to question the meaning of peace, even though things are progressing well in our new relationship. It is truly bittersweet...

Peace (I think),
Susan

[TexasPuppy]

Originally Posted by lauralee3

You know, I have no idea what my birth sister is thinking (and she may even be reading this thread for all I know), but I've tried to place myself in her shoes. And I think, if it was me (who was adopted), I would *want* someone to come looking for me. And as I've stated in my letters, I'm not looking for anything from her...all I want to do is share what I know with her! If I had no idea about my origins, I'd love for someone to tell me!

I am a birthmother but I have a family friend who is in his late 40's early 50's (he won't tell his age to anyone but his wife) that is adopted and has no desire to know his birthfamily at all. He has medical problems, ulcers, some heart problems, things that would be considered hereditary but still he doesn't want anything to do with the people that gave him away.

Since my DD just found me recently I am having a hard time understanding how he can feel this way. He doesn't know the whole story so how can he feel this way? But it is how he feels and I have to accept that. I haven't told him that I have a DD out there and that I didn't give her away. Maybe if I talk to him he might change his mind, but probably not. He is set in his ways and his parents and siblings are all he wants. I feel sorry for the family he might be missing out on but again, that is his choice.

Maybe your sister is like him. He grew up knowing he was adopted but he has no desire to find anyone. If fact he was told that in the state where he was adopted, if he asked for medical information, then it would open the records for his birthfamily to look for and find him. So he chose not to ask for the information.

Give her time but don't count on it. Adoption is different for everyone. Sorry that yours is not a happy situation. I wish you luck and most of all, I wish you peace of mind.

[lauralee3]

Texas Puppy-
Thank you for sharing the story about your friend. I know everyone's journey in life is their own, especially those who are adopted. And I can't begin to speak for anyone, but in your friend's case, given the medical issues, it seems to me he should investigate, for his own sanity. Walking around in a medical time bomb could wear a person down...just from that!

I'm sure that fear of the unknown holds a lot of people back, and I really understand this! I never knew my father, but finally got up the nerve to track him down (after a lifetime without), and he wasn't at all the monster I had conjured him up to be. Quite the contrary. And I am grateful that I was able to put aside my fears and get some questions answered. I *deserved* those answers. Just like your friend does.

And my sister deserves answers too. I wasn't around when she was born, but I have some info that would probably fill in a lot of blanks for her, not to mention the benefit of knowing some family medical history. She just has to put aside her fears to get the answers too. I don't bite and would really just appreciate the courtesy of a response to my letters. I'm human and have feelings too. Walking this planet completely alone, knowing that I have a 100% blood sibling out there, is rather torturous. But I live my life just the same...one day at a time.

Again, thank you (and everyone else) for sharing your experiences.

Laura

[Gwen Berndt]

Hi Liesl,
I totally feel your pain. I'm so sorry your bmom is refusing to meet you! You did say you've had contact with her (email? letters? phone?) in the past and she's now decided that she can't do this anymore. You've got two options: you can force the matter, which may bring you very unhappy results (although there's a slight chance it might work out okay); or, you can accept the fact that you're not going to get resolution. Did you try asking her your specific questions before? Is she just refusing to meet you in person, or refusing to answer your questions?

I found my bmom in March and wrote her a letter in April (6 months ago, now) and she has never answered. Yes, it hurts! As time goes by, I'm trying to resolve myself to the fact that I may never have real contact with her. The thing that really helps is that I know more now than I did before I found her in March - I have her name & contact info, I know what she does for a living (we're both in design!), and I've seen a picture (I look just like her!!). I may write another letter in the future, but right now it doesn't feel like the right time.

Liesl, I understand that you feel rejected. It's an awful feeling, isn't it? I've never felt rejected because of the fact that I was given up for adoption. But this reunion stuff? Yes, it definitely holds the potential for some real rejection pain.

The worst bit for me is feeling like I'm an awful secret that needs to be kept. My adoptive family loves me very much, and is proud of me. My husband and friends all love me, too, and are very supportive. I would love for my bmom to feel proud of me, too, even though the circumstances of my origin might still be painful for her.

Liesl, definitely read "The Girls Who Went Away". I got my copy on Amazon. I started reading it and cried so much that I had to put it down for like a month. I just couldn't handle connecting my bmom to the pain these birthmothers were feeling. I felt, and still feel, like I could help her get through this pain...

Another book that might help is the Reunion Handbook, I can't remember the authors names right now, but it has 2 authors and can also be found on Amazon. It has been helping me deal with all of the emotions involved.