[heartbrokeninpa]

I'm not familiar with forums or threads so I don't know if I'm putting this is the right place, but here goes
Right after turning age 16, in 1968, my baby was taken from me sight unseen. Of course I signed papers, but my father said no bastard baby was going to live in his home. And after being brow beaten by my Dr and a lawyer, I gave in and left the hospital without my child. (2 months later, my father died of a fatal heart attack) I later found out that my Dr was a relative of the adoptive parents. And the lawyer was their lawyer.
I only learned she was a girl due to a slip of the tongue. I vowed to never look for her, because although it was not my decision, I was not going to interfere in her life. I prayed everyday she was in a good home with loving parents.
In November of 2005, I received a letter from a social worker from the area I lived in when I gave up my baby. I called her right away. She told me my daughter was looking for me and she wanted to know how I felt about that. I told her it was my dream come true. She called my daughter and after having some privacy issue papers notarized, the phone calls and the emails began. We were both overjoyed. We were to be great friends. She was all ready asking my opinion on things. We clicked right away and spent hours on the phone, emailed every other day, sending pictures back and forth. It was indeed my dream come true.
Originally, the social worker said my bd wanted to verify some health issues. Later, my bd said that was just an excuse, but we did discuss the fact that we were both bipolar and my youngest son is bipolar as well.
I was so ashamed and full of guilt for giving her up, I never told my first husband or my 3 sons. My husband passed away, and after I remarried, I never told my new husband either. I had some old friends from the area that knew and siblings as well, but they remained silent all those years out of respect for my feeling of shame and grief. I never spoke of it. I thought if anyone knew, they would have hated me for doing such a horrible thing.
But when my daughter contacted me, I told everyone. I went to each one in private and told them of my shame and asked their forgiveness. I told them I intended to have a relationship with my daughter and I hoped they were going to be supportive of that. Every single one of them were in shocked to learn I had lived with this shame and guilt alone for 38 years. They verified their love for me and were anxious to be part of the relationship after she and I met and sorted through out own feelings and thoughts. By then, I was so proud, I was telling everyone.
Then the big day came. The first week in Jan 2006, she drove to my area for us to meet. She said she would feel
more comfortable in a hotel, so we arranged one close to my home. All this time, she lived only 100 miles away.
I met her at her hotel room and we hugged and hugged and told each other how much we had to catch up on and how beautiful she is. We sat in her room and discussed a lot of things. I answered as many questions as I could. We had all ready done a lot on the phone, but there will always be more. We decided to start out as friends. Her adoptive dad had passed away and her mom is elderly and she had great misgivings about telling her that she found me. She had grown up "with loving arms around her" as she said and did not want to hurt her mom. I had no problem with that and she called me by my first name. Later, my husband, she and I went to dinner and talked a lot about family, and about our illness and how even though she has the same illness, our outcomes are quite unique. We went back to our house for dessert and coffee and then I drove her back to her hotel. When we were in the car, I told her I had always loved her and how happy I was that we were to be friends. She said she felt the same. We were to go to breakfast the next day before she left.
About an hour before our meeting time, she came to the door and said she was so sorry, she couldn't stay for breakfast, but she was feeling overwhelmed and anxious and had a great need to get home. We understood of course. We all know how situations can hit home all of the sudden and this was huge. Being bipolar made it almost incredibly impossible for her to keep from becoming manic over this meeting and all this information she was given. So we gave her hugs and kisses and sent her on her way. She called me when she got there and said she was fine and comfortable at home. We laughed and talked some more. She made a comment about coming from good genes.
Then things changed. The emails came less often. The phone calls too. Her birthday was coming up and for the first time, I was able to give her a birthday gift. I sent it to her in the mail and she acknowledged getting it, but not very enthusiastically. I felt there was something wrong, so I wanted to know when we could meet again. This time, I would do the driving. She couldn't pin point a date. Then she said she felt pressured and needed space, so I didn't write or call.
Suddenly, I got this email that stated that after some discussion with her dr and therapist, she had come to the decision that this was not a good time in her healing process to have a relationship with me and that I was a beautiful person and we should just be grateful that we met.
Needless to say, I was stunned. The letter gave no other explanations, no regrets, no thoughts to any future. Nothing. I sent her an e mail and she never replied. I called her and she never called back. I let a month go by and called her only to find she changed her number and had it unlisted. I emailed her sister and she said my bd made a difficult decision, but she couldn't give me anymore information.
This occurred over a year ago. I am more than heartbroken. I actually feel like my heart is physically bleeding. The ache is so deep. I just can't seem to get past this. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, 3 loving sons, 4 beautiful grandchildren and yet I pine for my daughter that I have now lost twice. It's more than I can bare at times. I do see a phyciatrist
for bipolar and depression and I am on medications, but I can not get my heart around this.
I pray that God will help her heal and I pray for strength to hang on until she comes back to me.
Please help me. Has anyone ever had a reunion end this way? How did you handle it? Did they ever come back to you? In October, I drove to her home and placed a gift between her doors. It was a piece of stained glass that said, "Love, Hope, Faith."
I'm so desperate. I know that she had great misgivings and guilt regarding her mom, I'm even considering going to her adoptive mom's home and telling her who I am and how we met. Could I see myself approaching an 83 year old woman and introducing myself? How could I think that would actually endear myself to my daughter?
Crazy things go through my mind, like may be this is a test to see how much I really want her back. To see how hard I'll fight to keep her in my life this time. I know that sounds insane. She's a grown woman. She never married or had children. She can't know what I'm going through. I know we could help each other with our illnesses. My son and I talk about ours a lot, because unless you are bipolar, you can never understand what it feel like. I know I could help my daughter with this anxiety. I can never put myself in her shoes and pretend I know what if feels like to be adopted, but I can put some issues to rest. I know I can. We can help each other heal if she would just give us a chance.
I sound like a jilted lover. Please help me.

[Leigh131313]

First of all - I am glad you came to the conclusion to NOT contact her mother. Just a bad idea all around. First it is not your place and second you would most definitelly drive her away even more.

There is really nothing you can do here...I know that is frustrating, but this is her choice. Just like any relationship one can't force the other...both have to be on board for it to grow.

All you can do is leave your door WIDE open. Make sure she is aware of any new adresses or phone numbers you may have....maybe start a myspace? I've heard of other birthmothers doing this in order to give a virtual window for their birthchildren to look into.

I know you will find support here, I am sure there are others in your situation....

[katlyn]

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I do not know how it feels to be bi polar, however I am sending you my thoughts and prayers. As Leigh said, you just have to leave that door wide open for her and go on from here, I know it is hard and I know it is painful, but the fact remains that your bd has made a decision and however you feel is unfortunately not what matters. I have not met my daughter but we message through a site, similar to myspace, but it is called facebook. She is 20 soon to be 21 and this is all she is ready for and I have to accept that and be happy with that for now. I am truly sorry that she has closed the door on your relationship, but a closed door does not mean that it's a locked door, she may decide to open it again one day. I hope for your sanity and to help you heal, she opens it soon! You are indeed in my prayers and I wish you peace and I hope you are able to find comfort in your family. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or just a shoulder.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninpa

The ache is so deep. I just can't seem to get past this.

Hi heart,
I'm an adoptee who began a search because my own daughter had medical issues. We were working with the doctors to dx her- it took awhile, but we learned she is bipolar.

In the mean time, I found a mother that did not want to be found. Between the stressors at home, and all the emotions of being rejected by my Mother......
I can relate to depression. There were days I had to force myself to crawl out of bed, to tend to my kids and house. There were days all I could do is cry....

I had been pretty active in internet adoption chats and online adoption forums for a long while, but, it was apples and oranges compaired to in real life support. I started attending adoption support group in person. For me, I'm certain that they were very invaluable! They are the reason I made it thru such a difficult time.

It's too easy to hide your true emotions behind a computer screen in an adoption chat online. I can't tell you how hard it was to put into words and vocalize how much I was hurting in front of a group of other moms and adoptees! But I kept going back. It was very hard. But once I was able to share my feelings - out loud - to myself, and to the *world* LOL........ I cant tell you how much emotional support and validation came from that group!!!! It really was healing!

From peeking at your profile, and seeing you are a shore bird, (jersey and OC MD) I'm guessing at the area of PA you are in. I'd be glad to give you info for PA adoption support- in a PM.

ps. 6 years after the state had found my mom, I was reunited with her. I did, in fact, learn that bipolar history is ALL over my family!

[Mandie moo]

Dear Heart
It is quite normal for things like this to happen by one or the other in reunion. I agree with the others, just leave your door open to your bdaughter, when she is ready to go back to you she will.

Many times I've read that adoptees feel so much guilt over just feeling happy to find their bmothers, which causes them to feel disloyal to the parents who raise them. Most often an adoptee doesn't even realise this is what they are feeling or why they feel angry at times. Of course this is only what I've been told by a few adopted friends of mine, others have different opinions.

You described your heartache well, I've been there too, but you can get through it. What helped me was to understand and accept " the processing of ones emotions" stepping back is the "medicine" that your bdaughter needs right now. You must give time, space and respect for her wishes. I believe that the good that was in your initial contact, will carry you both through the hard times. Her amom is elderly and your bdaughter needs to be there for her. I truly believe if you make any attempts to contact amom, this could end any future relationship for you. Don't bring anything to her address.
This is not a test to see if you will fight for her, she really means it when she steps back. Show her that you can be trusted. Trust has to be shown and earned.

Please focous on your family at home. If they see you suffer, they could find themselves resenting your bdaughter and thinking that she is causing your pain, which in many cases, does make things strained, once the relationship starts up again .

Continue getting support from the fourms, while keeping your home life flowing gently.

I wish you luck in your journey
mm